AIBU to feel angry

[Donttakeheraway]

Have name changed for this as information is identifiable.

First some background: Last year, my DS, aged 22, was killed while walking home from work when he was hit by a car. The culprit was never caught and so we continue to live with the agony of his death and the need for justice.

His girlfriend of four years, and the mother of his child was there when the accident happened. And has never forgiven herself.

DS and his GF have a child together, my DGD who's now 18months old. We have tried to keep the GF as part of our family, as we know that DS was planning to propose on their 4yr anniversary.

Now the hard bit: this morning, GF came to us (DH and I) to say that she can no longer cope living in this town where my DS was killed, knowing that the driver of the car is likely to live locally. And so she's moving. She's starting off with one of her great aunts who lives 200miles away and then finding her own place from there. Of course she's taking my DGD with her.

I'm angry, that she's taking away my only connection to my son. I want her to stay, in the hope that one day the culprit of my sons death will be caught. Her own family, friends and connections are here. She was brought up here as were my own children. I just can't understand why she's going. Apparently she's moving as soon as next month. I just feel so hurt.

AIBU trying to stop her leaving? Or at least taking my DGD with her?

lEM probably a 2/2.5h journey,

Exactly it is important you maintain a good relationship with your sons girlfriend, so that you can see your granddaughter and it is positive experience.

YANBU to feel angry, but obviously you would be very unreasonable to try and stop her from going, or to try and prevent your DGS from going.

You need to start thinking of ways to maintain contact, there's no reason why you can't be a loving and involved grandparent even from a distance.

"I'm angry, that she's taking away my only connection to my son."

But if you stay on good terms you'll see your GD.
Does she know how you feel-that must be stifling for her if so.

"Her own family, friends and connections are here. She was brought up here as were my own children. I just can't understand why she's going."-that sounds horribly small town tbh.

She wants to move, it's as simple as that.

Actually, I think yabu to feel angry.

Upset, yes, but angry?

Thanks for the replies everyone, I was angry when I wrote this but I've calmed down now.

I won't stop DS's GF from leaving, I'm just shocked because I thought she was coping ok with DSs death, but I do understand why she needs to leave, she walks passed the site of the accident most days and it's still regularly talked about in the town. DH, I and our other family include her in everything we do as a family (parties, weddings etc) so I think I'm also mourning the loss of this as well.

Fitting in visits to see her maybe hard as DH works 6 nights a week and I work 5 days but I'm sure we'll work something out. Currently I have DGD two days a week so her mum can work. I will sort out Skype though and get an address.

I do see a therapist with regards to the grief I feel for losing DS, and will be discussing this with them when I next she them.

You're right that DS would want his GF and DD to be happy.

Such good advice from the others there. She might come back in time! or she might not. Either way, you can continue to be an important part of their lives. You've put in the groundwork, building a great relationship with your granddaughter's mum... Don't threaten that now, because it's critical to you maintaining your relationship with your granddaughter.

If there were strong words this morning, put them right As soon as you can bear it. The girlfriend will understand your reaction, but I'm sure she's hoping for your support right now. As you said yourself, you're all family now... Try to imagine what you'd want to do for your son if the shoe was on the other foot.

I really am so sorry for your situation, and it must still be so raw. I'm sure you're all just doing what you can to cope with the pain.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Of course you can't stop her, and you also can't prevent her taking your gd with her.

The pain of staying where she is is too much for her to bear.

I'm thinking she's young & tbh what you have put sounds very "full on".

She might need a breather!

Could be that she feels very pressured and not able to grieve herself.

This is so sad but I have to tell you that 200 miles is not that bad. My MIL lives on the other side of the world but is a massive influence on her grandchildren...my DDs.

She Skypes every week...sends little gifts and visits once a year. You can visit once a month! That's loads! Help your son's gf....help her and encourage her and she will always be loyal to you as you are on her side.

So sorry for your loss.

No, you cannot interfere with her reasons for leaving and any attempt to do so could damage your relationship.

Who knows in the future she may return or you may move to be close to them.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is very recent so be kind to yourself.

I just wanted to sya that I lost my first husband when our DD was just a few weeks old. His mum lives nearly 200 miles away and yet she has a fantastic relationship with DD. I also have a very good relationship with her. She has never judged me on whatever decisions i've made since his death and has really made the effort to include me as part of her family. I'm remarried and have more DCs and she has a good relationship with them as well (they refer to her as 'nanny [name]'. I have a lot of love and admiration for her and I don't feel tha the long distance has been a hindarance.

I can understand why the gf feels like she needs to move away and the best thing you can do is be supportive. She may just need some time away to get her head straight but further down the line she might want to be near her support network, so just give it time.

I hope it works out for all of you.