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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think BIL should visit his ill mum in hospital?

77 replies

Rainicorn · 04/05/2014 21:42

I know I'm not, I'm just furious he is leaving everything up to DH.

MIL is really ill in hospital, possible cancer, she is very weak and on oxygen and a drip. She isn't eating and on nutritional drinks. She has been deteriorating quite rapidly over the past two weeks.

DH is both physically and mentally drained, finishing work and going to hospital after work, sitting in hospital on his days off, waiting for doctors and surgeons to speak to as well as trying to see the DC and me.

BIL doesn't live far, he lives 45 minutes away. It would cost him £8 train fare. He doesn't have DC, and works a mon-fri 9-5 job so no real ties keeping him in his home town. It's a bank holiday weekend so he has had three days to come up. DH has just got off the phone with him after asking him to come up and see her but he has said he will just wait for the test results from biopsy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainicorn · 05/05/2014 10:55

Maybe burdon is the wrong word. The whole situation is stressful for him, and when someone who stressed you try to help. His brother is doing the opposite of that.

OP posts:
SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 10:56

She used the word burden herself, I just feel sorry for the MIL

The last thing she needs is her kids possibly falling out over visiting her

She is putting too much focus on BIL, if he doesn't want to visit then best leave him be

Original poster
Rainicorn · 05/05/2014 11:01

Oh do sod off.

RTFT

DH and BIL are not falling out, or fighting over this. Nothing has been said apart from DH asking last night. All DH said was "perhaps you should visit"

Nobody is pressuring anyone. And I am certainly not referring to my MIL as a burden.

OP posts:
BerniceBroadside · 05/05/2014 11:10

BIL issues aside it's worth asking if the hospital does a monthly parking pass. They're often significantly cheaper than paying daily.

medievaljacqui · 05/05/2014 11:30

Maybe if bil can't/won't/doesn't want to visit he should at least share the parking costs. That would be some help. I know what you mean by the use of 'burden' when it comes to hospital parking charges. It doesn't mean you begrudge them in any way, but they are expensive and is an unnecessary stress your dh doesnt need at this time.
As for the lack of visiting could bil send a letter via your dh so your mil knows he cares. Not the same as visiting but at least she won't feel abandoned by one of her children.

NewNameForSpring · 05/05/2014 11:45

YANBU. BIL is leaving everything to you two as he can't handle the emotions of the situation. Because of course, you and DH can Confused. Honestly he sounds a selfish idiot.

My sympathies to you and your DH in this sad and stressful situation.

treaclesoda · 05/05/2014 11:52

I'd be inclined to think that if the lady is dying, the last thing she needs is to be wondering why on earth her other son doesn't bother visiting her...

BoneyBackJefferson · 05/05/2014 12:08

My first thought with this is what is the relationship between MiL and BiL like.

Its fine saying that BiL should do x. y and z but what if he has reasons for not having contact or having very little contact?

MrsMaturin · 05/05/2014 12:13

Some people can handle death, illness and pain. Some people cannot. Those latter people will avoid seeing the dying until it is too late at which point it becomes a source of regret for them and a barrier with other family members who do not understand and have themselves gone through the wringer.

OP - your dh cannot change how his brother is responding. Urging him to come will have the opposite effect, it will make him more afraid. I think what you and dh need to reconcile yourselves to is that caring for mil is going to be down to you. Picking up the pieces of bill's regret later will also come down to you - what you do with that is of course up to you.

Aspiringhuman · 05/05/2014 12:15

He should visit, he may regret it if he doesn't.

I've seen it so many times, people not visiting sometimes they have a phobia of hospitals, sometimes they're in denial about how I'll their relative is and sometimes I actually suspect they don't care. I remember once a lady's son wouldn't visit because it was "too far to come" . She would ask for the bed to be adjusted so she could lie and watch for him coming, you could see his house from the ward window. It was heartbreaking :(.

MrsMaturin · 05/05/2014 12:18

People are often a bit crap. That's the bottom line.

thebodylovesspring · 05/05/2014 12:24

Some people can handle some things and others just can't.

You can call it selfish, self centered, rude, uncaring etc and yes it can be all of those things or other fears but in the end it's up up each adult to act in the way they feel comfortable with, that they feel is right for them and their conscience.

Unfortunately you can't make people care/support/be brave as it's not in everyone.

All you can do us make sure you step up to the plate and if others don't/won't that's their conscience to assuage.

In my experience though this fear and upset never extends to refusing goodies from the dead persons will of course. Or from crying the loudest at the funeral. Strange that!!!

mimishimmi · 05/05/2014 12:26

What was his relationship like with his mother when she was not unwell OP?

LIZS · 05/05/2014 12:30

Of course he should but neither you nor dh can make him . It isn't up to your dh to compensate either , especially to the point of exhaustion. Maybe he could take a step back rather than feel he has to go at every opportunity and make bil feel as if he is needed.

UncleT · 05/05/2014 12:50

As he probably has a conscience, I highly doubt that DH is content to 'take a step back' from his very possibly dying mum, no matter how sensible that might sound. And good for her that he doesn't, if the other son can't be arsed - how terrifying for her.

SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 13:08

Oh do sod off

DH and BIL are not falling out, or fighting over this

Oh do sod off yourself, I never said they were falling out or fighting

Just leave BIL alone. It is not going to kill DH doing extra visits. I have been through this myself

Original poster
Rainicorn · 05/05/2014 14:38

You said "The last thing she needs is her kids possibly falling out over visiting her"

So I was simply telling you they were not.

And as for telling me to leave BIL alone, I am, I have not said anything to him. IF YOUD READ THE THREAD YOUD KNOW THAT. Stop picking holes that aren't there.

DH is the only one visiting her, apart from myself. He isn't doing extra visits, he is doing all the visits.

BIL has a normal mother/son relationship for those who have asked. Nothing underlying stopping him from visiting.

OP posts:
PrincessBabyCat · 05/05/2014 14:47

Just ignore Sweet, she's deliberately antagonistic on other threads by harping on unimportant details and refusing to see the bigger picture. Let her piss in the wind, she can't argue by herself. Wink

The best you can really do is just encourage BIL to visit and hope for the best. It would be nice for her, yes. In the end, you want to look back at your last moments with MIL and know that you said your good byes, told her you love her, and don't have any loose knots so to speak. Your DH is doing a good thing for himself by doing this because he will have better closure when she does die and will have an easier time moving on.

SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 15:03

I said possibly Raini

IF YOUD READ THE THREAD YOUD KNOW THAT. Stop picking holes that aren't there.

SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 15:04

Just ignore PrincessBabyCat she's deliberately antagonistic on other threads by harping on unimportant details and refusing to see the bigger picture. Let her piss on herself

Grin
Original poster
Rainicorn · 05/05/2014 15:13

There seems to be an echo in here.

OP posts:
SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 15:18

Aye aye that's true Smile

NearTheWindymill · 05/05/2014 15:32

YANBU OP. BIL's a grown man and need to face up to grown man responsibilities. If his mother wants to see him he needs to get off his backside and visit her whether he's emotionally struggling or not. He also needs to think about the impact on his brother and his brother's family and behave fairly and decently and give them a bit of a break.

Stripyhoglets · 05/05/2014 15:37

YANBU. Bil should be visiting his ill and probably scared mum in hospital and YANBU to be annoyed that he is not putting his own feelings aside and going. Your dh is NBU to suggest he goes. However you can't force him and it's easy to find reasons not to do things. I would struggle to not be upset in these circumstances if my siblings were being crap. and there's nothing wrong with finding the situation hard and wishing it was different.

beershuffle · 05/05/2014 15:43

Its none of your business if he chooses to or not. Your dh is responsible for himself and his own vusits to his mother. If he is choosing to take on extra visits that he thinks his brother should be making, that is his decision, and not his brothers.

If there is a problem or reason, its not your to involve yourself in. Same if there isnt.