To think BIL should visit his ill mum in hospital?

[Rainicorn]

I know I'm not, I'm just furious he is leaving everything up to DH.

MIL is really ill in hospital, possible cancer, she is very weak and on oxygen and a drip. She isn't eating and on nutritional drinks. She has been deteriorating quite rapidly over the past two weeks.

DH is both physically and mentally drained, finishing work and going to hospital after work, sitting in hospital on his days off, waiting for doctors and surgeons to speak to as well as trying to see the DC and me.

BIL doesn't live far, he lives 45 minutes away. It would cost him £8 train fare. He doesn't have DC, and works a mon-fri 9-5 job so no real ties keeping him in his home town. It's a bank holiday weekend so he has had three days to come up. DH has just got off the phone with him after asking him to come up and see her but he has said he will just wait for the test results from biopsy.

[chocolatemademefat]

I feel sorry for your husband - and for you. Sounds like your brother in law is determined to take a back seat. I know some people don't like hospitals but so what? We'll all die and a lot of us will die in hospital - and I'd hate to think someone was too stressed to be with me.

In families there's usually someone who wimps out with various excuses but sometimes you have to propel yourself from your comfort zone and do your part. I lost my father recently and one of my brothers was very choosy about when he would spend time at the hospital. Now he's the one 'stressed out' with the whole thing.

I think you have to face it - your BIL is selfish and maybe used to your husband picking up the slack. You both sound like very caring people and knowing you have done your best will be a comfort to you later on.

Hope your mother-in-law proves the doctors wrong.

[beershuffle]

Fuck off, the milk of human kindness has fuck all to do wth op sticking her nose into relationships she isnot part of.
As for you lot projecting your judgement onto it, its none of your business either.

[Nanny0gg]

Fuck off, the milk of human kindness has fuck all to do wth op sticking her nose into relationships she isnot part of.

Of course she's part of the relationships.

What a daft thing to say.

[treaclesoda]

Well, nothing on mumsnet is my business. I still read it and post though, seeing as how people post here to ask for other people's thoughts

[beershuffle]

He doesnt need to cover his brothers share. Parents arent bloody timeshares. He should vusit to his own schedule and not be a martyr.

[SueDNim]

I am astounded by some of the posts on this thread. I know it is AIBU, but are some of you unable to post sensitively and without swearing?

As a parent, one of the considerations when deciding whether to have more than one child may be that difficult times can be shared by siblings. That when we are ill or gone, our children may be able to offer each other emotional support. Obviously it doesn't always work out like that, for many reasons, be they practical or emotional and adult children are free agents. It would be nice if children recognised this and acted accordingly at difficult times, but there isn't much the OP can do to get her BIL to help. To be fair, it is only by having my own DC that I have realised this.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Perhaps if this selfish and unfeeling brother would take alternate evenings the OP's husband might not be working himself into a bloody standstill.

I cannot conceive of why a son wouldn't want to be at his mother's beside every available minute. While there still might be time. And I can't conceive of how painful it must be for the MIL to see that he's not been there. Not once.

I'd be absolutely livid about it, and I suspect I wouldn't be in a minority. I wouldn't really care what his "reasons" were for his disgusting neglect. As has previously been mentioned, he'll likely be the one most obviously and histrionically distraught at the funeral, if and when it comes.

He's a bloody outright disgrace!

[DIYapprentice]

Bloody hello! Some of you lot are being a bit harsh here.

Op, you're right, your BIL should be there.

I LOATHE people who cry 'I dont' like hospitals/illnesses/etc' and scarper the minute thing get a bit hard.

If it was someone's husband not supporting his wife it would be worthy of a chorus of LTBs.

But apparently some precious BILs are allowed to be so bloody 'fragile' that they shouldn't have to visit parents, etc. And do fuck off with the 'DIL's have no place to interfere in a family dynamic' - The op has earned her place!!!

Unless there's a major back story to the relationship it's sheer selfishness on a monumental scale.

Op, I wouldn't do anything, but I would remember.... I would remember and that BIL would get fuck all support if he ever needed it, and I could never be close to them again.

[WelshMaenad]

I too struggle to sympathise with those of a 'can't handle it' bent.

My mum and dad both ended up in hospital at the sane time - different hospitals, on opposite sides of the city. I live 45 minutes away from either. I have 2dc. I was still there nearly every day with one or other or both, or springing my dad for a few hours so I could take him to see mum.

It transpired that my mum had terminal cancer and she died 2 weeks after being discharged. I nursed her through her last days. At no point did I find one bit of this fun or enjoyable or bearable, and it was very draining balancing the needs if my mum with those of my young DC but my dad and younger sister needed me to shoulder my share. You show up for family, even when it's not all shits and giggles. I'd have been properly ashamed of myself if my mum had died and I hadn't been there every minute that I could be, doing everything I could to support her. She would have been ashamed of me, it's not how I was raised.

Your BIL is being selfish. Have a word.

[Rainicorn]

Just got back from the hospital. MIL does have bowel cancer. They are having a meeting tomorrow to see if they can operate but it is not looking good.

Thank you all for your insight into this. Have tried reading, but my head is a little fuzzy.

DH has told BIL that there will be a meeting with him and doctors for final diagnosis and treatment on Thursday. BIL has told DH he won't be coming up as nothing he can do.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

Are we to assume that "nothing he can do" equates to can't be arsed?

There is something he can do and that's provide some companionship and a tiny little bit of comfort to his sick mother. What an absolute prick, he is!


I remember when my mother was terminally ill and wild horse wouldn't have kept me from her bedside.

[Nanny0gg]

So sorry to hear of the diagnosis.

Your BiL is an arse.

[PrincessBabyCat]

I'm sorry.

Is your husband her medical spokesperson (I forget the name, makes decisions if she can't)?

If you haven't thought about it, you might want to talk to MIL about her wishes as far as living wills go, so if it ever gets to a point where she can't speak for herself, you know you're making the best decision for her based on what she wants.

Best of luck for Thursday.

[NearTheWindymill]

Sorry to hear that news OP. Hope you and your DH are OK. With love.

[DIYapprentice]

So sorry OP, Your BIL is selfish git, and I hope it bits him in the arse.

Your DH, and you, sound like wonderful people that I would be proud to call friends

[Rainicorn]

Thanks everyone.

There is nothing formal in place but as we do pretty much everything for MIL I doubt BIL will want to step in anyway. Just need to wait for Thursday so we can have an action plan ready. Doctors had already told her she has cancer this morning, but when we got there she said she didn't have it but something else, so I think she is slightly confused. Didn't tell her anything about the meeting today as we will wait until Thursday.

BIL only visited DFIL twice before he died, wasn't really expecting much from him. But when you've got a poorly frail lady in bed asking if anyone has been asking about her, there are only so many little white lies I can tell "yes, BIL calls and sends his love".

[2rebecca]

Your husband should maybe clarify to his brother that yes there is something he can do, he can visit his mother to show her he cares and is thinking of her and chat to her as the days in hospital can be long and lonely.
Stress that he isn't expected to cure her or make her better, just offer her love and support.
If it's splelt out to him he may understand a bit more or think about it a bit more.
Your brother should adopt a supportive encouraging tone when telling him this not an angry pull your finger out tone. Make him feel welcome and useful not bullied.

[2rebecca]

Your husband not brother in last paragraph.

[Mermaid29]

I think you are putting too much focus on BIL. He showed last time he doesn't get involved much and he is being the same this time.

There may be issues going on in BILs life that you do not understand. Your DH is being a good son so credit to him.

No point keeping going on about what BIL should do, best leave him be and you and DH get on with what are you doing for MIL

[Thumbwitch]

Your BIL sounds like a peach, I do feel so sorry for your MIL.

Get your DH to tell him that he needs to come and see her before it is too late, that she's been asking for him. He'd have to have a heart of stone, as well as being too selfish for words, to refuse to see her. :(

[Thumbwitch]

Your BIL sounds like a peach, I do feel so sorry for your MIL.

Get your DH to tell him that he needs to come and see her before it is too late, that she's been asking for him. He'd have to have a heart of stone, as well as being too selfish for words, to refuse to see her. :(