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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be slightly "On the back foot" with my new neighbour?

75 replies

MrsWinnibago · 03/05/2014 22:09

If you don't know the term...it means I'm a bit suspicious of her....we have just moved into a flat...me, DH and our DC. She lives with her baby across the corridor....she's nice and friendly but a bit "too" friendly somehow.

She could be lonely I suppose...on her own with her baby...but she quite often knocks on our door and we've only lived here for two weeks.

She knocks for a variety of reasons....to ask us if we have a hammer for eg....or , to see if DH could hang a picture for her...or to ask if we have a spare bin bag.....sometimes it's to offer things such as the use of her lawnmower as I told her in passing that we didn't have one.....she's offered her hoover twice now as well....at least twice as mine broke a few days ago. I've politely thanked her but explained that I don't need it as I'm getting a new one on Tuesday and am happy using a handbrush. (I just don't like the idea of using someone elses vacuum cleaner!)

Anyway...today she knocked out of the blue to offer her lawnmower....which she bought off the lady in the flat downstairs and which it transpires she hasn't even paid for yet....then yesterday she knocked for "two pounds", I gave it her and she gave it back later....but I am slightly taken aback by her overt comfort with asking and offering.

Is this usual? I've just moved from a particularly unfriendly neighbourhood if that helps...she asked me into her flat to see what I thought of a slight issue with her taps....I went in and she began telling me all about how the guy who came to do the plastering seemed to fancy her

I'm just not used to this level of familiarity I suppose.

OP posts:

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 23:45

Speaking of bushes... how about embracing nudism?

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 23:45

To repel the neighbour I mean...

AgentZigzag · 03/05/2014 23:47

You've definitely covered all the bases there Savoy.

It's good you're not being affected by it OP, it's something that would really play on my mind and really fuck me off, but then I don't like people visitors.

What does your DH make of her? Did he go and fix whatever it was she asked him to?

AgentZigzag · 03/05/2014 23:49

'how about embracing nudism?'

You've dealt with this situation before haven't you Fide?

You have to spill the backstory to that suggestion now, and don't pretend there isn't one

Nightowlagain · 03/05/2014 23:51

savoy

SpicyPear · 03/05/2014 23:56

Some good advice here about keeping a polite distance from the off. I made the mistake of being too friendly with a neighbour and then when he started being a bit creepy and inappropriate it was hard to extract myself. Hopefully she won't start making lots of weird see jokes, but it's good to take things slowly in case you find out you don't actually want to be friends!

SpicyPear · 03/05/2014 23:57

Sex jokes, I meant sex jokes!

Fideline987654321 · 03/05/2014 23:58

It's more that I accidentally discovered the power of nudity Agent we refer to it as the 'sheet incident'. I cannot say more .

Original poster

MrsWinnibago · 04/05/2014 00:00

Agent he did....but he made me come with him! He isn't comfortable around her either and he said quite rightly that the job was something that she could have done herself...maybe it wouldn't be perfect but it wasn't anything majorly important....you could improvise the correct tools.

OP posts:

Suzannewithaplan · 04/05/2014 00:05

Quite frankly the neighbour sounds like she's a few sandwiches short of a picnic, I think you were on a slippery slope with her right from the kick off

Suzannewithaplan · 04/05/2014 00:07

I'd even go as far as to say that you've opened a can of worms with her

AgentZigzag · 04/05/2014 00:08

'we refer to it as the 'sheet incident''

You fucking can say more, you must!

We'll just make it up else and it'd be all your fault and much worse than the actual incident knowing MN

If your DH has felt it too, she must be really giving off some needy vibes. Do you think you'll be able to dodge her without it becoming an 'incident'?

Original poster

MrsWinnibago · 04/05/2014 00:12

Agent I hope so....I'm lovely, really I am but if she pisses me off then she'll be avoiding ME and not the other way around.

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 04/05/2014 00:17

To me it sounds pretty innocent and well-meant, but I'd hate it too as I am quite private.

Tell her that unfortunately you're now working from home, so you can't always answer the door. This also gives you a get out if you blank her on occasion, as you're preoccupied and in work mode. She may be lovely, or she may be a bit intrusive/ opportunistic but there's no reason you need to find out which it is when you could just detach quietly.

Fideline987654321 · 04/05/2014 00:21

much worse than the actual incident

I doubt that.

OP, do you think PND is a possibility?

Original poster

MrsWinnibago · 04/05/2014 00:23

Fide no....she's pretty cheerful...active in a way. She works a couple of days a week and her brother pops round to see her about once a week apparently. She always looks well presented...or is that a red herring?

OP posts:

Fideline987654321 · 04/05/2014 00:27

Well I've known people to be overly bright and chirpy before a crash but maybe she's just faking it till she makes it like many of us do with first babies? Or maybe the previous neighbours were a nightmare of some sort and she is determined to get things off to a friendly start with you?

AgentZigzag · 04/05/2014 00:46

Could it be that she's anxious about moving in somewhere new and then seeing that you're in the same boat she's latched on?

It's maybe not necessarily how she is normally or how she's going to be long term, she's just going a bit overboard in her relief that she's not on her own and has someone else to cushion it a bit?

After another couple of weeks she might take the hint and backed off, hopefully get stuck on someone else in the flats who actively seeks out 'projects' to get immersed in (and there are lots of people who get something out of meeting other peoples needs).

beaglesaresweet · 04/05/2014 01:22

I think it's obvious that she is a bit lost/lonely as she's just moved (especially if from a different area), and house moves are especially stressful on your own. She is eager to make a friend, and pleased that there is someone she likes in the new house (you) and within easy reach.

For a single woman with a baby especially, it's hard to socialise much away from home, though it's good that she works part time. The fact that you were friendly made her confident that you want the same!

I'm a bit sorry for her in case you follow some of the advice here and become brisk and short with her. I think it's best to actually say that you are often busy and that if you don't answer the door, then not to take it personally. This would let her know that she is knocking on your door too often, and hopefully you will find the right balance (if you do like her at all). But of course if you don't like her, you have no obligation, just don't chat much, look distracted every time, and she will like you less too - a win-win.

MissBetseyTrotwood · 04/05/2014 08:09

There are other neighbours in the flats, right? I'd say this requires a bit of background research. Perhaps pop round to the lawnmower seller with your number or whatever and mention you've met and questionable neighbour woman has been round a fair bit.

I am super friendly and DH often cringes at my friendliness. If you're not comfortable with that level of socialising on the doorstep of course cool it off a bit with her. I was really social with my last neighbours (we've gone detached now so we don't see them so much) but had no problem telling them 'I'd love to chat but I've got loads to do indoors - another time?' It was fine.

I'd never ask for money though.

Original poster

MrsWinnibago · 04/05/2014 09:34

MissBetsy the funny thing is that the money really didn't bother me....because I grew up on a council estate and it was and I think still is, quite a common thing in small, low income communities for people to support one another in that way.

It's a case of "None of us have got much so we share what we have" as a matter of necessity.

Though I'm not in a position to have to knock for a couple of quid ever...it doesn't mean I'm not happy to offer it to a girl on her own if you know what I mean. When I was a kid, other families often knocked for "50p for the gas meter" because my Dad was one of the very few Dads who had a job....my Mum always gave it and they always gave it back.

So it comes down to me being happy to offer practical support but I don't want to get "close" to the point of gossip etc.

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 04/05/2014 09:45

I think your doing the right thing. Being friendly and polite but not taking her up on the offer of loaned items. You can always so no if she asks to borrow things. I think it's lovely of your husband to do a favour for her. My dads like this but if the person gets a bit much then he usually puts them off to the following week saying he has too much work.

She could be incredibly lonely. It's very lonely being by yourself with a baby even if you do work.

Original poster

MrsWinnibago · 04/05/2014 09:57

I think she might be lonely too....I remember how long the days and evenings could seem when my DC were babies.....even though I knew DH was coming home, it felt lonely. She must be too.

OP posts:

Quangle · 04/05/2014 10:04

On the back foot is fine here in the context of the neighbour already being established and setting the tone for the relationship leaving OP in reactive mode from the get go - and therefore vulnerable to this relationship developing in a way she doesn't want.

And you are definitely on the back foot when a close neighbour but someone you don't know asks to borrow money. You don't have time to regain your balance by thinking of a good reason to say no so you have to say yes.

Having said that I would have lent the two pounds too. But also follow all the advice on here about closing her down. Time to get onto the front foot with her!

Original poster

MrsWinnibago · 04/05/2014 10:16

quangle yes....if she knocks again this week I won't answer I don't think. If she asks for anything again, I might just say "Oh sorry....no time..." or "Ooh sorry, not been to the bank."

One good thing is that I've never asked her IN to my flat...not once. And I don't plan to start.

OP posts:

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