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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell people I can't have more children?

78 replies

koalaDevon · 03/05/2014 14:32

My lovely dd was conceived through IVF and I feel so lucky to have her.

However, now that she's nearly three, I've had lots of workmates, friends etc ask 'when will you have another?' 'better not leave it too late' etc. I'm getting fed up with this, close friends and family know that dd was conceived via IVF, but not everyone else. I've had two cycles of IVF this year and both failed, which I was heartbroken about.

I've decided to put IVF on hold for another year or so at least, I asked dp if I should just respond to people's baby questions with 'actually I can't have any more' but he thinks it would be mean and embarrass them. However, I feel hurt by the regular questioning, especially at work. I've said I'm happy with one child (and I am, I may not do IVF again but haven't ruled it out completely), but then I get told 'an only child is a lonely child, you'll end up with a selfish adult'.

OP posts:

RedRoom · 03/05/2014 19:08

God, people are bloody rude and insensitive. I'd be tempted to tell them outright that I don't need to justify it.

SuperFlyHigh · 03/05/2014 19:10

Not related but I get my colleague making pointed comments (or she used to) about me not having kids at my age (42) or that I shouldn't think about it and it'd be selfish e.g. me being an older parent - she has 5 kids and had her youngest at 37 though…

I think certain people should mind their own business. I'd never dream of telling her she shouldn't have kids or anyone else for that matter!

fuzz - small talk though it can be rude especially if I know like some people they push and push on this…

My boss his mum had him at 45 (only child) - yes she had to work, yes his dad died when he was a child but his mum was around into her 70s. so what's the bother?!

RedRoom · 03/05/2014 19:15

gilliangoof: "IMO Asking someone if they are hoping to have another child is not rude. It is small talk at worst."

For many people who can't have children / have just miscarried/ aren't able to have more than one and are upset about that, it is not as innocent about chatting about the weather or the bank holiday. In fact, it's more like saying by way of casual conversation, 'So, are both of your parents still alive? Oh- didn't mean to upset you. I was only taking an interest in your family!'

Pregnancy is a sensitive topic for women who haven't got what they feel is a fully complete family. It's really not for other people to decide that those women are going to talk about children whether they like it or not. It's insensitive. Just avoid the topic with women who don't volunteer the information and spare a woman the hurt and embarrassment.

StrawberryGashes · 03/05/2014 19:19

If you feel comfortable enough with telling them then go for it, or you could reply with something along the lines of 'if only it was that easy', 'we'll just need to wait and see', and then change the subject.

I agree that some people will just be making conversation, but they shouldn't be rude about it.

Bunbaker · 03/05/2014 19:23

"For many people who can't have children / have just miscarried/ aren't able to have more than one and are upset about that,"

But the person who asked doesn't know that. They aren't telepathic. And to most people it is just conversation.

DebbieOfMaddox · 03/05/2014 19:32

"an only child is a lonely child, you'll end up with a selfish adult" is not just conversation.

And one in seven couples has trouble conceiving. Sure, you don't know whether the person you're talking to is in that 14%, but it's crass to take the chance for the sake of idle chit-chat. Talk about the weather instead (OK, you may find that their great-aunt was struck by lightning last week, but the odds in your favour are much better).

JsOtherHalf · 03/05/2014 19:33

DS was an IVF baby, and all my work colleagues and friends know. However we still got lots of random people asking about us having another baby - toddler groups, etc. i just said we would have been delighted to have had another, but that it hadn't happened for us.

Mind you, a relative by marriage suggested we didn't actually need IVF for DS, we just needed to have sex at the right time...!

JugglingFromHereToThere · 03/05/2014 19:40

I think I might try an assertive "thanks but I'm not looking for any advice on this ATM and am very happy we have dd"

What do you think? Is that assertive or too rude?
I'm not always a good judge of these things ....

But why do people think they can offer such strong, unsolicited and definitely rude personal advice and just get away with it!

Many people are just making conversation I know, and that's maybe fine if done gently - but it's those that have to take it too far that cause the upset?

nicename · 03/05/2014 19:40

An old boss of mine had no kids - she couldn't.

She said that so many people would ask if she had kids and when she said 'no - I can't have them' then tell her to get a dog instead!

Asking how mank kids someone has is fine, but grilling them on when/of they will have (any more) is nosey and insensitive. I know women who would kill to have a/nother child or who have had miscarriages so given up on having kids to their dispair. Its just too personal. Like asking how often they have sex or how they shave their pubic hair.

RedRoom · 03/05/2014 19:43

Bunbaker, exactly. They don't know what a woman's circumstances are, but given that 20-30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, it surprises me that some people don't stop and engage their brains a bit before wanting to know why someone doesn't have kids/ only has one/ is getting too old to have kids but is seemingly doing nothing about it.

If people must ask if women have kids in order to make small talk, so be it. It's when the answer is no, or just one, and they keep pressing for reasons. It's so insensitive.

Good for you if you have never had to endure the squirming embarrassment of being put on the spot by someone who cannot pick up on the fact that you are finding their questions about children uncomfortable or upsetting.

Chottie · 03/05/2014 19:43

I have huge, huge sympathies for you. I too would say that you can't have any more. It will shut them up once and for all. You just don't need anymore stress and strain.

AiryFairyHairyAndScary · 03/05/2014 21:17

Have people actually said an only child is a lonely child, you'll end up with a selfish adult to you?? . If they have I think I would tell them I'd rather have a selfish 'only child' than a horrible, insensitive twit like them.

I think I would just tell people that you don't think you are having any more kids. Don't worry about giving anymore of an explanation and don't do anything to elevate any embarrassment they may feel. It is always a stupid thing to ask someone.

Bunbaker · 03/05/2014 21:44

"it surprises me that some people don't stop and engage their brains a bit before wanting to know why someone doesn't have kids/ only has one/ is getting too old to have kids but is seemingly doing nothing about it."

It does me as well, but I have never met anyone who has gone on about it. I have been pretty open about my fertility issues so people don't bother asking. It took 17 years to conceive DD so everyone was absolutely delighted for us, and no-one asked about number 2 except for new mums I met at toddler groups who didn't know my history. All I said to them was it took 17 years to get DD and I doubt that I would be lucky a second time and no more was said.

DirtyDancing · 03/05/2014 22:02

Argh I hate the whole only children are selfish thing, it's grossly unfair. My sister died when I was v v young and as a result I've virtually been brought up as an only child. I know of a couple where the wife died when her DS was 2, so he'll never have any other direct siblings. Some people can't afford more than 1 etc etc. It does not make you wired, selfish or spoilt!

It's absolutely no business of anyone how many kids a couple or individual decide to have. Three is no law to say it's got to be 2 or more. Don't feel you need to justify anything. We have an amazing DS conceived after much difficulty and I feel blessed every day. I will never explain to anyone what does or does not happen in the future I simply say 'maybe, who knows or mind your own business' depending on who/ what's been said

FryOneFatManic · 03/05/2014 23:24

Bunbaker Sat 03-May-14 19:23:24
"For many people who can't have children / have just miscarried/ aren't able to have more than one and are upset about that,"

But the person who asked doesn't know that. They aren't telepathic. And to most people it is just conversation.

You're right, the person isn't telepathic. So they should avoid asking or trying to discuss this subject unless the woman has volunteered information.

I've seen someone break down in tears over a miscarriage because of this kind of "meaningless small talk".

TheRealMaryMillington · 03/05/2014 23:30

I agree that it is usually just chitchat and no harm intended - nonetheless it can be very painful to hear

BUT I would bloody well tell them, if you are comfortable with that.

I rather tend to think that it is parenting rather than sheer number of children that determines whether they are happy, lonely, spoiled, whatever.

stiffstink · 03/05/2014 23:48

I hate chit chat about this. I have one DS, we didn't knowingly have any problems, but who knows if he was a fluke? The next one might never happen.

My friend tried for 11 years, my cousin for 6 years, my other cousin for 5. It might not happen for me agai
Why do I need to explain why I'm an oldish mother to strangers? I fid ind that there are thousands of topics of conversation without mentioning my ovaries.

I find that shock works best. If someone asks, I say that we keep accidentally using the wrong hole. They will think twice next time!

HavannaSlife · 03/05/2014 23:51

Tell thrm what you feel comfortable telling them, they are being rude asking in the first place so its their own fault if your reply embarrasses them

Littleen · 04/05/2014 00:00

Sorry to hear you've got problems conceiving, must be terribly difficult.
I've just had a baby (no problems in the actual getting pregnant part) but due to a health issue, it was a very complicated pregnancy, and it would be too much risk to have another baby - most with the same illness choose not to have kids at all. I was initially trying to say that I was happy with just 1, but the amount of "mild abuse" and nasty comments, or the irritating "oh just wait and see, you just say it now" are incredibly difficult to handle. I've now started to say that due to health risks I cannot have any more children, and people are understanding and stop pestering. It's awful what people can say when you propose the idea of having only 1 child. Obviously shouldn't be required of you to defend yourself not having more than 1 with medical/conceiving/etc issues, but unfortunately it makes life easier if you do -.-

PicardyThird · 04/05/2014 00:03

I think one innocent question 'so are you hoping for another?' if OK - although the questioner should be prepared to receive an answer which, while it may make them feel uncomfortable, speaks of a great deal more pain for the person they are asking. Any banging on (about only children, for example) or sweeping assumptions deserve whatever responses they get, frankly. I (two boys, 6 mcs, three of them consecutive) was asked recently whether I am after a girl I pulled myself together and said lightly 'oh no, I don't think I do girls' but it would have deserved a 'um, no, a living sodding baby actually'.

Purplefrogshoes · 04/05/2014 00:09

I would tell them! I had colleagues going on and on and I finally snapped and told them about my mc and the molar pregnancy I was now experiencing, I didn't do it to be mean but I had exhausted all other replies and was ill and upset, they were very nice and have said it has made them think about asking such questions

Jinsei · 04/05/2014 00:28

I think you should tell them. If they feel embarrassed, it will make them more aware next time.

kickassangel · 04/05/2014 00:40

Depends how people say it but I do anything from laughing it off to pointedly saying "how rude" and walking off.

It is none if their business

Perhaps you coul start some long detailed story about only being able to conceive after having sex 9 times in a row while swinging from a chandelier, singing rule Britannia and having photos posted live on Facebook. Then ask if they'd be the photographer.

Honestly it is such an intrusive question.

Seriously though I found people give up after a while as it becomes evident that you're unlikely to have more. Dd is 10 and no one asks me now.

Enjoy the one you've got, one can be a real blessing for many reasons.

MummyBeerest · 04/05/2014 00:50

I'd tell them. Fertility issues are more common than most people realise, and who knows, someone else there may be going through the same thing and not feel so alone.

That "only child is a lonely child who'll be a selfish adult" comment can only be followed up with, "Oh, are YOU an only child?"

P.s., I have 2 sisters. I fucking hate sharing.

Greyhound · 04/05/2014 04:31

A bitch woman told me my child would be selfish and lonely without siblings. It really upset me and is not true.

I had recurrent miscarriages and chose to stop at one child so I really understand your feelings.

Personally, I would tell people your situation. With luck, it might shut them up,

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