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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to tell people I can't have more children?

78 replies

koalaDevon · 03/05/2014 14:32

My lovely dd was conceived through IVF and I feel so lucky to have her.

However, now that she's nearly three, I've had lots of workmates, friends etc ask 'when will you have another?' 'better not leave it too late' etc. I'm getting fed up with this, close friends and family know that dd was conceived via IVF, but not everyone else. I've had two cycles of IVF this year and both failed, which I was heartbroken about.

I've decided to put IVF on hold for another year or so at least, I asked dp if I should just respond to people's baby questions with 'actually I can't have any more' but he thinks it would be mean and embarrass them. However, I feel hurt by the regular questioning, especially at work. I've said I'm happy with one child (and I am, I may not do IVF again but haven't ruled it out completely), but then I get told 'an only child is a lonely child, you'll end up with a selfish adult'.

OP posts:

BioSuisse · 03/05/2014 15:58

Gosh i feel the same as you. DH & I have two DCs but are not having anymore. For a variety of reasons, some medical and some personal, we are not adding to our family.

DC2 is two now and we are bombarded with people asking us about having a third. I feel if i don't give a reasonable explanation they just don't give up. If i give a half hearted explanation "we are getting a bit too old to start nappies and sleepless night again" they respond with a "nonsense, you will be fine". I really just want to shout "Fuck off, my pelvic floor can't take another big baby and i want to have my piles and veins done. Plus DH is stressed at work and can't get it up, at the moment".

People can be so fucking noisy about personal issues. Just tell them to mind their own fucking business. And in my experience it is only the ones with three or more DCs that persist with the notion that a third child is a necessity.

Rommell · 03/05/2014 15:59

If people want to make small talk, they can always talk about the weather or how shocking the bus service is or where all the lost socks go or whatever. Why do they have to choose the subject of my womb?

bakingtins · 03/05/2014 16:01

I think you are well within your rights to say something to shut them up, if they are embarrassed as a result it is their fault for asking rude and intrusive questions. I've had similar though in my case it's through miscarriages rather than fertility issues. There are so many families for whom 'another child' (or a first child) is not just a question of deciding they'd like one that it's completely inappropriate as a subject for light chit chat. If they are embarrassed then they might engage their brain before asking the next person.

Gurnie · 03/05/2014 16:02

Totally understand what you mean Rommell, someone once said to me "Is this your only Dd?" I said "Yes, she is" and the woman replied "Oh, I have 3 but then I love children?"!!

nicename · 03/05/2014 16:02

My parents had loads of kids. People felt the need to ask them/comment about that too!

Rommell · 03/05/2014 16:04

Gurnie

How wonderful it would have been to say "Well, I fucking hate them, so I'm definitely not having any bastard more".

PorkPieandPickle · 03/05/2014 16:08

on a thread On a similar subject someone once suggested responding to any questions with 'why are you so interested in my sex life?'

I have used it since, it shut them up :)

BioSuisse · 03/05/2014 16:09

Noisy noisy noisy, that is all. Plus people with more than one DC, feeling they can't cope, want you to be in the same boat as them. It assures them they have made the right decision to have two, three, four etc DCs, if you are too.

A friend of a friends's DH injured and permanently damaged his genitalia in a motorbike accident. Her DH never listed "damaged penis" when friends asked about his biking injuries. Yes the broken collar bone, broken arms, lacerations to the thighs etc were all listed but not the damaged penis. They feigned off the uncomfortable questions about "why no number two?" for years.

Andcake · 03/05/2014 16:11

I just say 'it was a hard road to get ds and I'm not sure we would be as lucky again' I would love another.
Feel a bit weird about the woman up thread who says to people they can't when it's financially related. Financial situations can change an infertility diagnosis rarely does I would struggle with no money for the chance of having another dc and through my years of struggles would have given everything I owned

Aspiringhuman · 03/05/2014 16:12

Don't worry one iota about embarrassing them. They deserve it for being so crass. Then there's always the chance given how rude they are that no matter how direct you are nothing will embarrass them.

sarinka · 03/05/2014 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

merlehaggard · 03/05/2014 16:16

I had fertility treatment (but not IVF) for my first 2 children and my 3rd was unplanned and naturally conceived. My DD1 is 19, DD2 is 11 and DS3 is 3. I therefore had years of people asking me when I would have another for quite a lot of years - whilst I was trying to conceive. I just used to be honest and say that I would love another but my first was conceived with infertility treatment and that it wasn't as easy as that. I found it wa easier than getting into conversations about only children.

Itscurtainsforyou · 03/05/2014 16:19

I usually respond with "I'd LIKE to have more, but who knows what the future holds?" That usually gets the message across without seeming rude (although there are plenty of people who I'd like to be rude to...)

MumOfTheMoos · 03/05/2014 16:33

I usually tell people that DS was an IVF baby and at my age I'm extremely unlikely to be able to have another child. As it is he is a gift and we'd are very lucky to have him.

Bunbaker · 03/05/2014 16:46

"It might just be chitchat to them but imo people should be a bit more sensitive about what they chat about"

People don't have crystal balls, so they aren't going to know until they ask. I always assume it is just small talk and never got offended when I was asked. I didn't manage to conceive until I was 41 so I told people that it wouldn't happen and I was too old. I wasn't embarrassed and neither was anyone who asked. I think some people read too much into simple questions.

Aspiringhuman · 03/05/2014 17:02

I think asking if you are planning to have more could just be making conversation but the lonely, selfish comments are just nasty.

sadiekillmouski · 03/05/2014 18:25

A simple "Why do you ask?" tends to be quite effective...

RachelWatts · 03/05/2014 18:32

I was asked why I only had one child while I was miscarrying my third pregnancy. She kept on about it, not picking up on my evasive answers, until she asked "Doesn't your husband want another child?"

orangeone · 03/05/2014 18:51

DD1 was IVF after multiplie MC. Following her, I had further MC whilst listening to people ask me whether I was going to have anymore / why was I waiting / I would regret a large age gap etc. So I started telling people the truth. Some people shut up / others were sympathic / some make further inane comments.
Then I had DD2 (not IVF but assisted) when DD1 was 3. Now I get "are you having a third / doesn't your DH want a boy?". So I tell people the truth again and some shut up / some sympathic / some make further inane comments.
My friend has 2 children, a boy and a girl. The perfect set up? No people still made comments about her wanting a third child....
Conclusion? - People say rubbish / noisy things / small talk whatever your situation. I decided a long time ago to tell the truth. If others can't cope with my answers, they might not ask the questions in the future. Of course, how polite my responses were about the truth, did depend on my mood that day!....

Edendance · 03/05/2014 18:54

I think if people feel embarrassed it'll only be because they've asked about something too personal for their relationship with you. Their problem, not yours.

I would definitly say to people that's the reason tbh. I don't think there's anything wrong with just being straight forward about it but I understand that you might feel uncomfortable with saying it youself.

gilliangoof · 03/05/2014 18:55

IMO Asking someone if they are hoping to have another child is not rude. It is small talk at worst. At best it is a genuine attempt at showing an interest in someone's life. Saying things like 'why are you so interested in my sex life?' to them would make them think the speaker a bit of a rude dick. It would certainly make me not bother chatting to them again and not because I was embarrassed. People always ask 'is that you finished having children then?' whether you have 1, 2, 3 or 6 children. It's like 'are they sleeping well for you?' or other standard questions. The answers are not something people are personally interested in. They just think the person with the baby is interested in them and are generally just trying to be nice. There is no need to try to humiliate them. If they start down the 'an only child is a ...' and come up with some rude judgement then that is totally different, rude and also ridiculous. This rudeness should be pointed out.

CMOTDibbler · 03/05/2014 19:03

Fortunatly, now ds is 7, people rarely ask anymore. I used to go for 'its not always as easy as just wanting one', and then if people were really rude and persist, I told them about the multiple miscarriages etc.

And asking about peoples reproductive plans is always rude as far as I am concerned. Its not small talk when it can cause so much hurt

Minshu · 03/05/2014 19:04

I've had lots of the friendly yet intrusive questions and some of the rude comments mentioned in this thread, but the worst was a father of three (3rd unwanted and nearly not had, as he glibly told everyone who would listen) telling me I didn't really have any idea of what it was like to be a mother as I only have 1

Bunbaker · 03/05/2014 19:05

I totally agree gilliangoof. Some replies are so defensive that they come across as rude. I think "why do you ask" could be taken as a defensive answer.

Bunbaker · 03/05/2014 19:06

Also, I'm staggered at how many rude people some mumsnetters have met. I have never had anyone ask me rude and intrusive questions as to why DD is an only child.

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