Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put out that 1.5 year old excluded from wedding when other children invited?

100 replies

MillieH30 · 02/05/2014 22:50

We've been invited to a wedding where the invitations says no children except godchildren and small babies. The couple have at least 6 godchildren of ages 2 to 8 between them and there will be approx 4 small babies there.

It seems really odd to allow some children but not others. We've never left DD overnight before so, if we go, will have to bring a relative away with us and pay for a hotel room so they can look after DD.

The groom is a good friend so we want to attend wedding but his fiance is insisting on this rule. I could understand if there was a blanket ban on children, but it seems really unfair to allow some but not others.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 02/05/2014 23:26

just send your dude if there's no other option.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/05/2014 23:28

I think dh should go alone then.

shoofly · 02/05/2014 23:29

We have noone we can leave our two ds' s with. Mil has parkinsons and I would not leave a gerbil in the care of my mother.

I feel that an invitation is that - ie an invitation rather than a command. I understand that if the groom is putting pressure on you to attend that it feels rather awkward. I think a perfectly reasonable response is. We hope that you have a wonderful day, but as we are unable to arrange childcare, we are unable to join you.

BackforGood · 02/05/2014 23:30

Agree with everyone else.
YABU.
It's not odd to invite Godchildren and babes in arms, but not invite every child of every guest - it's a very thoughtful compromise.

We've never left DD overnight before so, if we go, will have to bring a relative away with us and pay for a hotel room so they can look after DD

No you don't have to at all - you might choose to do so, but that's your decision, not the B&Gs. Like others, people's weddings were the only time we ever left out little ones overnight - it's really lovely to have a little bit of time to remember what it's like to be 'just a couple' after months of either having your dc with you, or not going out, or keeping an eye on the time because of the babysitters.

It's not "unfair" at all - a couple have been kind enough to invite you to share their special day. Choose if they are friends that you are willing to put yourself out for a little bit, or not, and accept or decline as needed. There's nothing 'unfair' about someone being kind enough to invite you to a celebration Hmm

PotPourri · 02/05/2014 23:31

Weird that the friend is putting pressure on. You've decided you can't/don't want to go under the circumstances go. Simple as

It's their wedding, thy can invite who they want. But it's your choice if you go

MyLatest · 02/05/2014 23:32

YANBU not to attend. YWBU to make a huge fuss. However, if the groom keeps putting pressure on you, politely explain what the issue is. We included children of friends who had a long distance to travel, especially where they didn't have family locally to look after their children. It is perfectly reasonable not to attend the wedding on this basis and if the groom doesn't understand this and make allowances HIBU to put you under pressure.

dietcokeandwine · 02/05/2014 23:35

YANBU to politely decline based on your later post, but a bit precious to be 'put out' about the fact your DD is not invited. It is perfectly reasonable to restrict to godchildren and tiny babies only. And the 12-18m stage is a delightful in many ways but the absolute worst to attempt a wedding attendance with - it's the age of maximum mobility/determination but minimum sense! I don't think the bride and groom are being at all unreasonable to not invite your dd but very unfair to put pressure on you to attend without her. If you impose 'child free' type rule on guests you have to respect the decisi

dietcokeandwine · 02/05/2014 23:35

Sorry decisions of those who opt not to leave their DC.

PansOnFire · 02/05/2014 23:41

I don't think YABU at all, it seems that if some children are invited then what's wrong with inviting other children? But then again I'm in the minority because I don't really 'get' child free weddings, or the disbelief that people wouldn't want to leave their children overnight.

I wouldn't be happy leaving my DS overnight with grandparents and he sees his grandma everyday, I just don't feel comfortable and 2 days would be awful. It's not a judgement on people who leave their children overnight at all, I just wouldn't enjoy myself at all and I'd be anxious. He's 1.5 too, it's a difficult, inbetweeny age that some people just don't understand (not a babe in arms but certainly not old enough to express themselves properly).

The bride and groom have made a decision to have only certain children at their wedding and in my mind that suggests they have made the choice to have only certain guests there too. It's very unfair of them to expect you to attend without your child when there are other children there, especially when it involves travelling and nights away. I'd explain to the groom that you won't be attending and I'd definitely say why, if he still puts the pressure on then tell him he's being unfair and that they are entitled to their decision but he has to accept that this is your decision.

I'd be put out and I don't care if that makes me sound precious, I didn't leave any of my friends' children out of our wedding and it annoys me that some of those friends have. Maybe the bride and groom will feel differently when they are in his position a few years down the line. Don't feel bad about not going.

Andrewofgg · 02/05/2014 23:44

YABU and Lilaclily has it right.

Messygirl · 03/05/2014 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpeedwellBlue · 03/05/2014 00:13

I think it's absolutely valid to not want to leave an 18 month old overnight. On the other hand I suppose it's up to them which kids they want to invite. Do you know how many kids will be excluded? If lots then maybe they don't have space for them all. Tricky one as it's not like one of you can go and then the other one go another time. Any idea what you'll do?

Louise1956 · 03/05/2014 00:14

I think that it is up to the people getting married, but it does seem odd to allow babies but not older children. What if you have both? I went to a wedding reception last year which was for a work colleague of my husband's. it was an evening reception and I don't think there were any children there. My mother in law was able to have the children. but if she hadn't been able to have them, I would have stayed at home and let my husband go on his own. could your husband go without you? I don't think it is reasonable of your friend to say 'no children' which he must realise is going to make it difficult for you to attend, and then put pressure on you to go. He can't have it both ways.

YellowTulips · 03/05/2014 00:16

So don't go. Simple.

They are paying for the event so their rules.

You are going to spend time away from DD at some point. Why not now?

SpeedwellBlue · 03/05/2014 00:17

I think before people have kids they don't always realise it's not always easy to leave small kids.

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/05/2014 00:18

Yabu

Their wedding, their rules. Also inviting children who are family is probably something they can't avoid. The same cannot be said of the children of friends.

squoosh · 03/05/2014 00:24

YABU to be put out that your child isn't invited however the bride and groom are BU to put pressure on you and your husband to attend. They can't have it all their way!

turgiday · 03/05/2014 00:34

Inviting everyone's child to a wedding, can mean having 40, 60, or 60 young children there. As well as being costly, it is hard to imagine having a sit down meal that isn't totally chaotic, with a large number of children. So they are rightly limiting the amount of children at their wedding.

AiryFairyHairyAndScary · 03/05/2014 00:38

YABU to mind
YANBU not to go
The bride and groom ANBU not to invite your child
The groom is BU to put pressure on your DH

I would send my DH on his own.

meganorks · 03/05/2014 06:10

There will be some children at our wedding but I am not inviting all children because there would just be too many of them me the venue isn't big enough. To be honest I don't know why you would want to take kids to a wedding unless you really had to. It will be no fun for you or them. We went to a wedding a long way from home when dd1 c.9m abs took grandparents with us to look after. Several other parents did the same.

WaitMonkey · 03/05/2014 06:17

YABU. Though I would also decline.

meganorks · 03/05/2014 07:03

Also, have you told the groom why you can't attend? Because I would would make an exception for people travelling a long way if they had no other childcare options. Although in your circumstances my first option would probably still be to take someone with me.

MrsWombat · 03/05/2014 07:13

Just send your husband, and explain why. That's what we normally do in these circumstances.

MrsWombat · 03/05/2014 07:19

BTW, YANBU to not want to leave a 1.5 year old for two nights, and the groom is BU to put pressure on you to attend.

PrincessOfChina · 03/05/2014 07:22

We would have had 47 kids and 82 adults if we'd invited kids to ours. That's absolutely no fun for anyone at a November wedding. So we had DD, and small babies only (just two in the end).

Personally I love a child free wedding invitation and have no idea why any same person would want to take a small child (below about 8) to a wedding. No idea whatsoever.

However, I see you have no childcare available (although you do say someone could travel with you to are for your DS). In which case, I would just let DH go and have a good time with his mates. But for god's sake don't either of you go if you're going to go with bad grace and grumble.