to ask if you think bad behaviour at school is punishable at home?

[dollsmouse]

Dd is in year 1 and impeccably behaved at school. However, at home she has a tendency to be awkward and not listen. Her best friend who is in the same class is well behaved at home but struggles to listen and concentrate at school, which she gets in trouble for. Their teacher is much 'softer' than their reception teacher and has struggled. Each day she speaks to 6/7 parents about their child's behaviour at home time.

Dds best friends mum has began banning screen time/pudding/days out until her dds behaviour at school improves. While I think parents should support teachers, I think concentration and not listening are things the teacher needs to work out strategies for and that it makes it pretty miserable for the dd who's punished all day at school and then at home too. I wouldn't go into school expecting dds teacher to punish dd for not listening at home, so why do many people think that a 'partnership' is vital when in reality it's only one way?

Also we reward children for things done at school eg dd gets a merit for something so then she gets a small treat. Not always but sometimes. Many, many parents do the same. By your logic they are being praised twice so perhaps the parents shouldn't because the child was already rewarded at school with the merit.

Not 'shouldn't' but perhaps it would be more effective to tell the child how proud you are and express delight in the reward they received at school. That way the school reward has more perceived value and the child learns the value of intrinsic rewards which sets them up better as motivated learners.

Dd got into trouble once at school in reception. She is now in year 4. She was punished at home by not being allowed to watch tv that evening. She has never been in trouble at school again.

Isn't this just as likely to be because of how the school handled it before the intervention at home?

parents have a duty to ensure they send their children to school prepared to learn and cooperate.

They also have a duty, alongside the teachers, to ensure that their children's needs are being met appropriately in school. An inability to concentrate and listen is not likely to be purely a behaviour issue in a Y1 child. If there is a reason the child is struggling, punishment could compound the problem.

I might punish at home for actual deliberate 'bad behaviour' at school, but I don't think I would for 'struggling to listen and concentrate' - I'd be more likely to discuss with the child and the teacher just what the circumstances are that are causing the problem.

It could just be that the noisy environment of the classroom makes those things harder, even if she is trying.

At home, I might then try to 'practice' skills which would reduce the problem.

But I've never believed in 'punishments' that had no connection to the misbehaviour anyway - if 'screen time' was causing a lack of concentration, then limiting it is a sensible result. But puddings and days out are unlikely to have any connection.

Hmm. I don't know. I am quite strict and very much like to work in partnership with my DC's schooling.

But this is a year 1 child - a 5/6 year old. Unless there are significant issues at play, it's really unlikely that the child in question is behaving in a completely outrageous fashion. I'd be far more inclined to offer rewards for good behaviour (with sanctions for really overstepping the mark) rather than punishments if an 'acceptable' standard isn't met.

I also feel that at this age home should be a safe haven away from any difficulties at school.

I would want to talk much more to the child in question and much more to the teacher. I'd want specifics. What exactly is it that the child is doing and what exactly should she be doing instead? Some children need very precise instructions - a vague "Behave!" can be as useful as "get yourself to the moon."

YABU. It's your job to discipline your child. You need to instil good behaviour at school from home. If you don't reinforce what the teacher says it's just undermining them. I feel sorry for teachers if parents have this attitude.

It depends - for a very young child whose issues were about fidgeting and concentration I wouldn't - I'd work to get to the root of the problem and try to find activities we could do at home to improve things.

For an older child - again, it depends. There was one occasion when my DD1 got into trouble for something she had manifestly not done (there were witnesses) and came home very upset. I suggested she speak to the teacher in question, very politely, and if that came to nothing I would get involved. As it happened the teacher did act on my DD's coming to her, checked her facts and apologised for getting it wrong, which I think was 1) big of her and 2) very good for DD's self-confidence.

If either of my DDs did something major then yes, there would definitely be consequences at home. They're 11 and 13 and they know better.

Yabu

You back up school and show you're singing from the same hymn sheet.My kids know I'll come down on them like a ton of bricks if I ever heard of bad behaviour at school.

They're all well behaved at school however my dd once got told off for talking in assembly(she's 9,knows the rules and knows it's rude). I made her write a letter of apology and take it to the teacher involved herself.

She won't do it again in a hurry.

That said my DS once got into trouble for not joining in a dance with a visitor(he's painfully shy) and got sent to detention for it.He was mortified and deeply upset(white and shaky as he'd been shouted at) when he came home.I felt he'd had more than enough punishment and actually felt they were wrong which was a tricky one.So obviously no extra punishments in that instance.

But general obvious naughty/bad behaviour I'd always follow up at home.

If a teacher had to speak to me about their behaviour then yes definitely they would be told off by me, I'm sure their dad would have something to say to them as well.

Sometimes when Ds has misbehavior his teacher has said that it has been dealt with at school and therefore there is no need for us to do so.
Other occasions we may be asked to talk to him

Plenty of other kids at school misbehave and are punished by the teacher but do it again and again.

You know, then, that their parents are the ones who don't give additional punishments at home?

If the teacher had to talk to me about my daughters' behaviour in school, they would definitely be punished at home

Unless it's a really MASSIVE problem at school, I'm on the side of discussing the behaviour, and how it can be avoided. I'd not punish at home for it, unless it was quite serious.

I do wonder these days with all the gadgets around if our children do find it harder to concentrate for longer periods. I see it in myself actually that I am easily distracted, and find it hard to concentrate on a task for any length of time. This has started in the last couple of years when we've had smart phones and such, for me.

It depends, imo.

I wouldn't give a consequence for something that had already been dealt with in school - but if I agreed with the teacher I'd make that clear, and I'd work it into the things we did at home - we made a "kind hands" display at home once with 4 yo ds, for example.

I definitely wouldn't be punishing a young child for not being able to sit still and concentrate - that's a skill to work on, not misbehaviour to be punished imo.

I don't understand why some people advocate supporting the school at all costs - I'm on my children's side at all times - if that involves teaching them something that's for their benefit as they grow up, that's fine, but if a teacher is being unreasonable or unfair, then no, I'm not going to support it - why would I? My dc are generally "good" and want to please, and I trust them - so will listen to their side of any story, and unlike some on mn I won't assume they're lying.

I suppose if there was a serious incicdent at school, like the recent post about throwing stones and breaking a window deliberately - then yes, there would be a consequence at home. And we once had an incident of deliberate pushing that could have hurt another child (but didn't), and ds stayed home from a birthday party "because he couldn't be trusted not to hurt other children" and spent the time making a card to say sorry to his friend instead. That was because it was part of a long run of out of character aggression that needed dealing with.

Goldmandra

"You know, then, that their parents are the ones who don't give additional punishments at home?"

I can quite firmly say that in IME yes this is often the case, How do I know it because I ring the parents and get told that it is the schools problem.

One thing to think about it that the teacher is only going to tell you about the serious problems, not the everyday low level stuff. If something is serious enough to bring to the attention of the parent then it needs to be talked about, if not punished.

The child does need to be talked to about their behaviour, and the parent needs to back the school up.

I don't believe in punishments, really. I think you have to look for causes of bad behaviour, figure out what's going on, and then solve the problem. In this case I might get rid of the TV and the pudding because I am an old crank who thinks that too much sugar and staring at a screen interferes with children's concentration. I might decide to have lots of days out and time at the park, and I might take more of an interest in whatever project my child had going on at school.

I think it depends on each individual set of circumstances. I wouldn't punish a child for not concentrating or listening; that will be that particular child's detriment only and in that case I would try to be positive and caring and work with the teacher to improve listening and concentrating. Moving a step further, however, if not listening and not concentrating starts to involve disruption that has an impact on the learning of other children then I would be extremely disappointed because my child would be demonstrating a lack of citizenship. That, I believe needs dealing with at the earliest stages otherwise there is classroom anarchy when the children reach secondary school and have no idea about consideration for others or boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable.

Scenarios change as children travel up the school too and sometimes it's the child's fault and sometime's the teachers. DS thrived throughout Y2 with a teacher who stretched him. In Y3 he had a teacher who had the highest and most rigid expectations around behaviour but who refused to give extension work and preferred the children to spend their time doing things like colouring in borders around their work when they were finished. DS ended up bored and in trouble for chatting. I suggested extension work and was told that wouldn't happen because he was further ahead than most children and she had focus on the ones who hadn't reach level 2 or whatever they are expected to achieve at the end of Y2. That I was not prepared to support because I think and still think the teacher was utterly wrong. In fact we moved our son from the school the following year because we disagreed so much with her ethos.

It's difficult to generalise but I do remember a lovely Y1 teacher telling me once that our DC were perfectly behaved and when I laughed and said but not at home; she just replied, "no they are loved at home and can push your buttons without concern or fear, some of the noisy ones let off steam here because they can't at home.

no they are loved at home and can push your buttons without concern or fear, some of the noisy ones let off steam here because they can't at home.

That is a great comment, I've never thought about it like that and shall steal it and use it the next time a parent says that to me.

All I know is what a Y3 boy told me.

"I get in trouble at school, miss tells my Mum. I've already had all my fun stopped at home so what does it matter how I behave. I'm always in trouble".

He was the brightest of the 'naughty boys', they looked up to him. It was a two form entry school, they split into two sets for English and away from his mates he did some work. But when his gang were with him it just wasn't cool to learn.

No amount of punishment at home or school sorts those sorts of issues out.

Near dds teacher is like that with extension work which I disagree with. Dd spends a lot of time bored and waiting around.

The teacher is talking to a third of the classes parents each day. Last year the teacher spoke to one per day at most. That says to me that this teacher either has unrealistic expectations about behaviour (expecting 5/6 yr olds to sit still and quiet for long periods of time) or that she doesn't have control of the class. She seems to be quite disorganised and often uses YouTube to entertain the kids while she catches up on planning.

dolls

It could also be that the previous teacher tolerated bad behaviour more.

I wouldn't punish a child for anything they did at school, unless it was something really horrendous, like beating up another child (and even then I would have to be satisfied that it wasn't the other child's fault). Cettainly not for not concentrating, it's up to the teachers to make them concentrate.

She seems to be quite disorganised and often uses YouTube to entertain the kids while she catches up on planning.

I'm not sure how you know this but, if it is definitely true, there isa big problem in this classroom and no amount of punishing at home is going to help these children engage.

The previous teacher was deputy head Boney and much more firm. The children were noticeably better behaved under her at assemblies and so on.

Gold Dd comes home every day listing at least 3 things they watched on YouTube. When it was parents evening week they watched a film loosely linked to theirtopic 4 times...!

Dd comes home every day listing at least 3 things they watched on YouTube are you sure that she is catching up on planning while they watch things?

I use youtube sometimes to show clips related to the topic or as an end of the day treat before hometime.