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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said no to this request?

74 replies

Hayfreever · 01/05/2014 22:35

Dh's son (my ss) 14 doesn't live with us but has asked if he can stay half term (of course), but wants to have a small party here (15/20 kids). I have said no as that is the week before my son starts gcse's and he needs quiet to revise. I have said any time after exams is fine. Dh says I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:

LineRunner · 02/05/2014 09:53

My teenage DD had just 12 friends for a birthday party. One of the boys did actual structural damage, which took days to repair, by being a twat.

Two of the girls were vile and threw drinks and cigarettes ends around the garden.

Everyone ended up upset.

We took two days getting everything ready, and days clearing up and fixing things.

Just say No.

Dubjackeen · 02/05/2014 09:54

Having the party at a later stage is very reasonable IMO.
I'd leave the organising of the clean up then to DH and the party goers.

MaryWestmacott · 02/05/2014 09:57

Wait, is this party for his birthday or is it just he wants to get together with his friends? If it's the latter, then offer to drive him to/from the party/sleep over if one of the other friends - who doesn't have a sibling doing exams - is happy to host, you can even offer some snacks to take with him. Point out to your DH that is none of the other parents are prepared to host, given they don't have other DCs doing exams as an excuse, that should probably tell him something about how distruptive this would be.

If it's for his birthday, then arrange something out, and a promise of a party in the summer.

MaryWestmacott · 02/05/2014 09:58

oh and in the summer, once hte weekend of it is set up, can you arrange for a friend to invite you to stay? Leave the set up and clean up to your DH.... Because you know, it'll be no big deal...

Martorana · 02/05/2014 10:03

I think it's fine to say no to a party if you want to, but to say no because of disturbing revision is a bit......excuse the term...precious. Surely he's not going to be revising all day every day? He can revise on the day of the party, presumably be at th party, have a day- or at least a morning- off the next day, then business as usual.

mummytime · 02/05/2014 10:06

Martorana - have you read the other posts, {points to LineRunner's}.

And if you think revision is no such biggy can you have my DD, maybe for the next 4 years - we are all suffering.

Martorana · 02/05/2014 10:11

I do think revision is very important indeed. But I don't think that the world stops for it

And sometimes parties go wrong. But usually they don't. The OP has had parties before which presumably haven't.

OwlCapone · 02/05/2014 10:17

Which is more important. Revision for GCSEs or a party for no reason whatsoever which could just as easily be held after exams?

Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2014 10:18

I don't see how they can go wrong if they are being supervised?

OwlCapone · 02/05/2014 10:19

Do you have teenagers, Writerwannabe83?

Martorana · 02/05/2014 10:31

"Which is more important. Revision for GCSEs or a party for no reason whatsoever which could just as easily be held after exams?"

Revision is, as I said, very important. But the world and other people's lives don't stop for it.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2014 10:31

owl No, I don't have teenagers, all I'm basing my opinion on is when I used to be a teenager and my own experiences from when I acted wrongly. Most people who respond to this thread will base their response on their own experiences, be it when they were teenagers themselves or their experiences with their own children.

I personally think my punishment completely fit my crime and other posters who were bought up by strict parents would probably agree. Other posters will think it was harsh and will think there are far better ways of dealing with bad behaviour. Neither opinion is wrong.

All I know was that if I'd had done what the OP's son had done I dread to think what my parents would have done - far, far more than just cancel a meal out. They would have been furious and responded in such a way to make me realise that what I'd done was beyond belief and completely not acceptable.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2014 10:32

Sorry - I responded to the wrong thread

YouTheCat · 02/05/2014 10:35

Now I'm confused.

OP, I think you are completely in the right. Yes, life doesn't stop for exams but a party can bloody well wait until it is convenient for everyone.

Original poster

Hayfreever · 02/05/2014 10:36

Dh has accepted it's not going to happen and we have both offered dss a proper (ie bigger) party over the summer. To be honest gcse time is stressful enough without having to police 15 kids hell bent on getting their hands on alcohol. Thanks for all replies- how did we manage before MN?

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 02/05/2014 10:37

I have teens (and having them and having been one are two very different things).

We have had much smaller, supervised parties that still required clearing up and were reasonably disruptive.

Dd has had unsupervised parties where she has been responsible for the aftermath. But I'm talking about 5/6 good friends who she trusts, not 15/20.

Sally40000 · 02/05/2014 10:40

OP you are clearly not unreasonable, GCSE's must come first. I have two children studying here - and two grandchildren by older daughter. The babies are not allowed to come in AT ALL during exam times/ study times.

Martorana · 02/05/2014 10:46

Fine to say you don't want the party because you don't want the additional stress etc. Not fine to say you don't want it because of the impact on revision.

Original poster

Hayfreever · 02/05/2014 10:50

Thank you YouTheCat and Sally. I find it much easier to say no to my own children than I do to my step children. If it was my dd who had asked for a party that week I would have simply laughed. But situations that occur daily in a 'together' family can so easily cause resentment in a step family, even when all treated equally. Thanks all again.

OP posts:

slithytove · 02/05/2014 16:32

It is absolutely fine to say you don't want to host a party because it's GCSE time.

It's fine to say you don't want to for any reason.

It is your house, your time setting up and tidying up after, and your money paying for it.

I assume DSS didn't offer any of the above?

Original poster

Hayfreever · 02/05/2014 18:21

No he didn't slithytove; bad as I feel for saying this they have been incredibly spoilt by dh- before I met them he warned me that they don't like being told off, and I have never seen them get a consequence for any misbehaviour however bad. He also will do anything he can to avoid saying 'no'. In all honesty this has caused endless problems in our relationship.

I feel happier after reading all responses that I'm being fair in saying no because its Gcse time, but as my children have had parties I couldn't and wouldn't say no for any other reason. Thanks again.

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 02/05/2014 19:12

Op, if it's not a birthday party, there's really no reason one of the other party goers can't host is there? Suggest that to dss, if all the other parents (who don't have dcs study for exams) say no, then perhaps your dss might realise that by saying yes the rest of the time you are being more than reasonable!!

Original poster

Hayfreever · 02/05/2014 19:17

Of course someone else could host but that won't keep him happy. I think deep down he knows I am being reasonable, I suspect he resents the fact I have any input into his life. Ce la vie!

OP posts:

slithytove · 02/05/2014 23:41

His mum has said no presumably for a good reason, and the two of you can't both be wrong!

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