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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said no to this request?

74 replies

Hayfreever · 01/05/2014 22:35

Dh's son (my ss) 14 doesn't live with us but has asked if he can stay half term (of course), but wants to have a small party here (15/20 kids). I have said no as that is the week before my son starts gcse's and he needs quiet to revise. I have said any time after exams is fine. Dh says I am being unreasonable. Am I?

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/05/2014 01:03

Yanbu

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/05/2014 01:06

Have you make it clear that it is the timing of the party rather than the party itself you object to?

Or is your DH thinking your son can go to his dad's whilst the party is going on. Don't know your situation so don't know if that is possible.

If he knows that isn't possible then he is being very unreasonable.

KenAdams · 02/05/2014 01:28

A birthday party? Or just a random party?

WooWooOwl · 02/05/2014 08:07

I wouldn't agree to a party like that either way, house just isn't big enough, but if you've allowed it for the children that live with you then you're being unreasonable not to allow it for your step son.

Using the fact that your ds has exams coming up is a feeble excuse, he doesn't need to be, and shouldn't be, revising every second of every single day, and one night where he does some revision during the day really isn't going to affect his exam grade at all. It's one night. If you really don't want this party to happen, then stop allowing it for your own children and come up with a better reason.

Original poster

Hayfreever · 02/05/2014 08:09

Bloodyteenagers that is exactly how the text read! He has asked for an 'evening in' but even 15 kids I call a party. I made it clear it wouldn't be a problem, just not that week! So now i am wicked stepmother. What is really upsetting me is that dh put's dss's wants in front of ds's needs which is a quiet home to revise. Why should I have to fight for that?

OP posts:

OwlCapone · 02/05/2014 08:14

I guess from your DHs point of view, you are out thing your son above his. However, hare right and GCSEs trump a party! There is no way I would host a teen party before important exams.

Sell the postponement on the back of better weather, space outside, BBQ... Surely it makes more sense.

OwlCapone · 02/05/2014 08:14

Putting. Not out thing.

I am having ipad issues.

OwlCapone · 02/05/2014 08:15

FFs. you're right. not hare.

gamerchick · 02/05/2014 08:17

His mother has said not a chance definitely.

It wouldn't be happening in my house at any time.. stick to your guns.

Scrounger · 02/05/2014 08:20

The way I read it you haven't said no, just not that week which is a different thing entirely. I would do the same, your DH is being unreasonable. Whist it is just one night and your DS cannot revise all the time it will be a distraction for longer than that. I'm assuming that it would be quite a 'long' night with loads of tidying up the next day.

Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2014 08:23

YANBU to be reluctant about a teenage party. Maybe tell him it can only go ahead if there is an adult present at all times to supervise - that might put him off

However, YABU to use tour sons GCSE's as an excuse. I really don't see how a party one night is going to affect his revision unless he sits up until midnight revising?! I thought most schools gave students 1 or 2 weeks off prior to GCSE's to allow them that study time? Apologies if I've got that wrong. If the evening time really is the only time your son can revise then fair enough, I understand your concerns, but if he has plenty of other opportunities YABU.

Original poster

Hayfreever · 02/05/2014 08:33

WooWooOwl have allowed it for the children that live here when the timing suited everyone, step children have been offered parties before but declined, so no, no double standards here. Ds may/may not wish to revise that evening but even if he doesn't, the noise would keep him up past silly o' clock and so he'd be useless the following day. I wonder if the 'step' issue were not here your reply would have been different. The answer would have been the same had he been my child but perhaps you think step children should be treated differently, being exempt from having to show others consideration.

OP posts:

slithytove · 02/05/2014 08:34

YANBU.

I have to say I can't imagine any parent saying yes, have a party the weeks before your exams. Therefore why allow one in the house at all?

Agree that allowing it on a different date is fair.

How has DSS reacted?

NearTheWindymill · 02/05/2014 08:37

It isn't the party that will disrupt the revision but the row next day when something has been broken, someone has been sick down the new stair carpet and there has been a lot of hair tearing because one or two have brought vodka with them.

Yes, of course he can stay for half term, yes of course he can have a party but the party happens when the exams have finished.

I have a dd with a birthday right in the middle of exam season - sometimes during that half term. Do you think we had a party at home when ds was doing GCSEs or A'Levels. No, we certainly didn't and they are whole siblings. Exams take precedence

WooWooOwl · 02/05/2014 08:46

No, I don't think the fact that it's a step child has any relevance at all, so my reply wouldn't have been different.

My post is in response to the excuse you are using to not have this party at all during that week. I'd be with you if the party was wanted two nights before the maths exam, but if there's no restriction on which night it has to be on over the half term, I really cant see what difference the revision makes. I have a y9 son doing exams soon and he needs time, space and quiet to revise too, and while I expect revision to happen pretty much every day between now and the exams, I don't think one night will make a difference. Your ds can revise in the day, so no revision time has to be missed. If he gets up a little later the next day starts revising a couple of hours later than he normally would, I really can't see how that's going to do any harm.

It's got to be preferable to the adults having blazing rows and there being tension around while he's trying to study. It's about compromise.

Original poster

Hayfreever · 02/05/2014 08:53

Slithytove I don't know his reaction as he did not answer my text but has no doubt complained bitterly to dh. It's not even his birthday

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 02/05/2014 08:57

What has your DS said about the party??

Maybe it's something he would like to have in order to have a night off the revision, relax and have some fun?? Or maybe it isn't an issue that the day after the party it means he can't revise as much.....I can't see how revising every waking moment is beneficial??

Isn't there some kind of research that has been done that said an individual can only retain information if their focus has been on it for only 2 hours or less - any studying after that time period (without a break in between) is pointless.

I don't see how having the morning off revision the day following the party is going to have any significant impact on what grade your son achieves in his exam. Like I said, he shouldn't be revising all day, every day anyway.

Original poster

Hayfreever · 02/05/2014 09:04

WooWooOwl there is a difference though between Year 9 exams and gcse's, for year 9/10 exams i would have just gone with it. Have offered a party as soon as exams over / break up for summer.

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 02/05/2014 09:16

I realise there's a difference in the exams, but there's not much difference in terms of how revision will be affected.

Why is it that you think this party would have such a significant negative impact on your sons revision?

mummytime · 02/05/2014 09:27

WooWooOwl - you don't have a child doing GCSEs yet, believe me there is a world of difference.
I wouldn't agree if only because of the stress levels.

OP YANBU - your Dh on the other hand...

Onesleeptillwembley · 02/05/2014 09:28

One party a week before the gcse's would not be unreasonable at all. Pretty shit excuse not to, tbh. BUT I wouldn't have his party there, not at all. The fact you don't want to us a very reasonable reason to say no. I also think he's trying it on to have it at yours because mum said no and dad's an easy touch.

DownstairsMixUp · 02/05/2014 09:37

You've offered a party for after so I don't think YABU. I won't have any parties happening in my house at all so you are more generous than me!

WooWooOwl · 02/05/2014 09:41

Ok, I accept I have no experience in terms of GCSEs, and I realise that GCSEs will undoubtably be more stressful. But I'd have thought that continuing to do normal things, including having a night away from everything revolving around revision, would be a good thing in terms of stress/pressure levels.

WaitMonkey · 02/05/2014 09:46

YANBU in the slightest. Your dh is a selfish idiot. I'm mad on your behalf.

AramintaDeWinter · 02/05/2014 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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