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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call my ex's other woman a couple of certain words

32 replies

kentishgirl · 30/04/2014 17:59

namely, slag and slut.

I know slag and slut are quite political these days - slut shaming etc. I don't think a woman should be called either of these names just for having a sex life. I am a feminist. But does that mean I can't ever call a woman a name? I'd call him a bastard and that doesn't raise any eyebrows.

Is it a bit justified to use these words about a woman who knowingly becomes the other woman? And yes, it is wrong that there are no male equivalent sexual insults.

OP posts:
gordyslovesheep · 30/04/2014 18:02

why lower yourself - my ex left for his other woman - I reserved my anger for him as he was the one who betrayed me

and I hate sexually abusive insults to women

gertiegusset · 30/04/2014 18:41

Why not call him a slag and a slut then, he's the one who cheated.
Call her the bastard if she knew he was married.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2014 18:44

Why waste the mental energy on her? She didn't make promises to you, look you in the eye and lie, betray you, cheat on you. Goodness knows what he told her (after all, he has form for lying).

lilola · 30/04/2014 18:55

yabu

Original poster
kentishgirl · 30/04/2014 19:04

'Why not call him a slag and a slut then, he's the one who cheated.
Call her the bastard if she knew he was married.'

Actually that's a good idea. I'll do it that way round. Grin

It's all a long time ago - I'm not fretting over it now. Just that for various reasons I still have to deal with ex and he gets annoyed when I refer to her as 'your slag' or 'your slut'. I can't bring myself to say her actual name.

Fine, from now on it'll be 'that bastard' instead.

OP posts:
feathermucker · 30/04/2014 20:28

Why bother? It's a complete waste to even mention her! Ignore Hmm

He was the one who cheated; you're understandably hurt and let down, but you're not calling him names. It would appear he deserves a larger percentage of the blame.

Rise above it Wink

Freewheelin · 30/04/2014 20:33

"it's all a long time ago" "I'm not fretting over it now"
Well stop with calling her any abusive names then.

MammaTJ · 30/04/2014 20:33

I do not have to deal with my Ex any more now our DD is 19!!

I still call the woman he had an affair with and left me for 'The Troll'. I actually described her as looking like a troll to him when he was with me and totally denies this bit shagging her.

When I eventually found out the real reason he left me, I sent him a text saying I didn't know he was in to trolls.

I have moved on with my life so very much further than he seems to. He has the same life with her as he had with me. I am with someone very different, have had two more children and after studying an access course am now doing a nursing degree.

All things I would not have done if he hadn't left me.

Cornettoninja · 30/04/2014 20:41

I actually really enjoy swapping the genders on insults - it has more impact iyswim.

Calling a woman a prick and a man a bitch just seems to add a certain something

cardibach · 30/04/2014 20:45

I can't imagine ever referring to another woman as 'your slag' or 'your slut' - and my marriage broke up because of an affair. He married her. I don't understand your behaviour at all OP. YABVU.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 30/04/2014 20:45

It doesn't sound like you're not fretting about it.

Much. Hmm

How long were you with him?

CombineBananaFister · 30/04/2014 20:49

It's one of those horrible situations when HE is the one who cheated AND everyone is a grown-up, therefore, this language should not be used as it is immature and ridiculous.
BUT we are human and sometimes it's not about being mature ,it's about being fucked off and hurt and childish - of course YABU but so what?
I do think though you are doing yourself no help if it was a long time ago and you're still using this language, it can't be cathartic anymore. Plus, by now surely she should be called the 'eye-opener' showing you what he was capable of? Cheaters don't change Sad

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 30/04/2014 20:58

What cardibach said. It makes the caller look small and petty somehow, it just does. If you're over it then behave like you are. Presumably you still have contact with your ex because you have children together. Don't think for a minute that they don't pick up on your attitude because they will have.

CoffeeTea103 · 30/04/2014 21:06

Well if the cap fits

wheresthelight · 30/04/2014 21:12

I agree with cardibach Yabvu. You are a grown woman throwing playground insults around.

If it was years ago and you are not fretting why bother calling her names? Suggest you do some soul searching and growing up

BumPotato · 30/04/2014 21:16

cornettoninja I like to call both genders "dicks" (if they are, not randomly). You've given me the idea to channel my inner Jesse and use "bitch" on blokes.

AlfAlf · 30/04/2014 21:29

It's tempting. I know the feeling, honestly I do. But rather than let them turn me into something I'm not/wasn't, I preferred to use terms like 'despicable individual' and the like. Just as satisfying, try it.

WorraLiberty · 30/04/2014 21:37

Just call them both bastards?

Mind you, being born out of wedlock isn't exactly an insult either, is it? Grin

You're well rid by the sound of it Flowers

fedupbutfine · 30/04/2014 22:12

no, not unreasonable at all. The 'other woman' in my case is referred to by me as something far worse and I will never, ever refer to her by her name. She doesn't deserve it. And no, that has nothing at all to do with not being a grown up, or being bitter, or angry or holding onto all the upset or even not blaming my ex because he was the one who had commited to me, not her....it's about a big picture that would take hours to write about on here and for which she has personal responsibility (nothing to do with my ex) and which caused me, my family and my children (her step-children) untold, long term emotional and serious financial damage for which she was eventually prosecuted and stripped of her professional status.

I am afraid that people who assume that remaining angry at the other woman is simply about displaced anger towards the ex haven't experienced the depths some people are prepared to go to to ruin other people's lives. My ex's behaviour was disgusting (which I recognise) but she made a personal decision to behave the way she did and the affects of that are long-term. I have a right to be personally angry at her as, I suspect, do many other women who have been cheated on. Mine isn't an isolated case but I am a dog with a bone when it comes to justice - and I got it in the end. I rest far more peacefully as a result.

BillyBanter · 30/04/2014 22:16

Yes you're being unreasonable. Grow up.

WooWooOwl · 30/04/2014 22:23

You can call her what you like as far as I'm concerned, but you're directing your anger in the wrong direction.

If your H wanted to have sex with someone else and he couldn't get it if telling women that he was married, then he would have lied. He's the problem, not her.

Mrscaindingle · 30/04/2014 22:23

I think that if you want to call the OW names in private or just in your head thats one thing (and certainly in the early days most of us have done it) however I wouldn't give my ex the satisfaction of thinking that I cared about him and his new GF that much. And it does look like you are still hung up on him to be saying those things no matter how much you say otherwise.
Personally I can't bring myself to say the OW's name either but am looking forward to the day when I feel absolutely nothing towards her and STBX. In order for your own mental health you need to be able to let go of the resentment eventually and not give a damn about them.

Montegomongoose · 30/04/2014 22:51

he gets annoyed when I refer to her as 'your slag' or 'your slut'. I can't bring myself to say her actual name.

I imagine he does; it's childish and silly in the extreme.

Please say there are no DC about to witness this nonsense.

YABVU. And undignified.

VitoCorleone · 30/04/2014 23:00

Well by calling her these names to him you're pretty much showing him that it still bothers you.

Gurnie · 30/04/2014 23:12

Move on. Honestly, it's just making you look bad. I've been cheated on more than once and don't see it like that at all. That's not to say I think well of the other person but it's really the ex that should be the focus of your anger.....and then you really do need to get past it.