to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

[Shreddiez]

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

[SalopianGirl]

Just wondering, how much are your nanny's hours going to change if you take this new job ? Is her role going to be completely different to the one she has now ? Is she definitely on board with the 24/7 she will be doing when you and your DH are both out of the country ? As a previous poster has said you really need a plan B, what if nanny becomes ill or there is an emergency and she has no back up. When I was a nanny I occasionally used to work 24/7 when parents went on holiday but there was always a set of grandparents nearby just in case.
Also if she is a good nanny I would not be sacking her for making those comments.But as mentioned previously I would sit her down and make sure that she was completely on board with all the changes that would come with your new position as you really need her support in all of this.

Apologies, I'm a slow typer so all of these points have probably been already made and good luck OP with whatever you do!

[OddFodd]

Congratulations shreddiez - sounds amazing :)

I would seriously consider getting another nanny though - you need someone in your home who is entirely supportive of your family set up, not one who feels sorry for your baby or is liable to make negative comments about your career.

As for both being out of the country at the same time, can you ask friends to be there in the very unlikely event there is an emergency? And if your husband is in the EU, it won't take him a huge amount of time to get home

[TheWordFactory]

No one would have said owt if you were a man OP. In fact they would be patting you on the back for a. providing for your family and b. getting ten weeks holiday to spend with your DC.

Lots of men in fact spend much less time than that with their DC - armed services, film industry, global management, hotel services, pilots and people don't accuse them of abondonning their DC.

Should you do it? Well why not try it? If it turns out a nighmare you won't have lost out, because you will at least know. If it works well, then great.

Just wondering if there's any way you and DH could ensure neitherof you travels at the same time. I knwo lots of couples who try to make it work that way - someone always in the country.

[SalopianGirl]

Ah I see I have massively crossed posts several times

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Congratulations. A terrific bookie tubule if ever there was one.

I was wondering if it's not so much the fact you are female and embarking on a new exciting and demanding job that takes you away from home, as the fact both you and DH will be away so much?

It is up to you and your DH it is no-one else's business. If you are earning enough I don't see why you can't make provision for adequate cover in case nanny falls ill or is on holiday. If there is no family member around in the event that you and DH are absent, you will have to have a fall-back plan in case of an emergency.

How long it'll work for you, who can say - but if you don't give it a go you'll always wonder.

[MigGril]

If and only if you have those 3 days totally free and those 9 weeks without interruption I'd be happy to take it why.

My dad worked a lot he worked from home it included some weekends. Yes as an adult he's my dad I love him, BUT we didn't get to spend much time together as I was growing up we don't have much of a bond. His one big regret in life he worked to much.

Work if you want to but make sure you make time for your family as well. They may still turn out well and love you like I do. But we have a low connection a low bond if you like. Make sure you make time for those important things, we'll never get that back as adults as we now live to far apart and don't get to spend much time together now. My dad always sounds so sad when he talks about it, my mum died young to do he worked and didn't spend as much time with her either.

Even though he has a good life now with a new partner he does regret spending so much out our childhood working.

[OddFodd]

Sorry - x-posted so ignore most of that :)

Could your DH not come home in the unlikely event the nanny was ill for a couple of days?

And WTF is a bookie tubule Donkeys? :o

[WilsonFrickett]

The points about nanny cover and nanny's hours changing are true, but they're things you'll negotiate and work out. They're not deal breakers, imo.

Even high-flying parents have to cancel the odd meeting and day's work because of poorly DCs - you'll work it out.

[Purplepoodle]

Anyone who works a normal working day usually only see's their kids for half hour in the morning and perhaps an hour in the evening and it's hardly quality time.

Only thing I would perhaps look at is getting the nanny some help if your going to be away. Perhaps afterschools for the older two ect.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yanbu try it for a bit and see how it goes, you might regret not doing so. Another opportunity might not come. If you find it's affecting your children you can jack it in!

[areyoutheregoditsmemargaret]

Is your nanny generally good because she's the one who's been most undermining imo.

Agree you need to sit her down and make sure she's 100 per cent on board with this. If not, sack her and replace.

Congratulations OP, sounds amazing.

[aprilanne]

some people are correct no one bothers when its the father .but personally thats the issue .i mean mostly women are the primary carers .and your little one will probably cling to your nanny sad maybe but true .if being at home with your children less makes you happy then i suppose why not .just don,t expect them to be happy .my mother worked full time and i hated it sorry .if they were teenagers then maybe .but they are just babies

[cardamomginger]

Go for it.

[Artandco]

I don't know anyone who only works 40hr weeks these days. Plus a commute is standard hence most nannies work around 55/60 hr weeks. That's if parent works 50 hr weeks plus allowing 30 min commute each way

[ThisIsLID]

Shreddiez I have made that choice this year. Long hours which meant I was not back at home before the dcs were in bed.
I was still able to take them to school though.

I have gone along the same lines than you. No one would berate a man to do that, why shouldn't I do it too if it's a fantastic opportunity??
And yes my mum was a working mum too!

DH was at home to pick up the dcs at the end of the day (after school club).

My experience is that it wasn't the right for me. The days were too long and too tiring. the pressure and the stress too much (organising b'day parties for example were just a nightmare and we forgot some school outings etc...) As the dcs are bilingual, I also saw a very big dip in their second language, a sign that I hadn't being speaking with them that much in that year.

The key, imho, is to have the right organisation around you. I would really think twice about having both parents away at the same time wo family support. I personally would feel uncomfortable about that.

[ConfusedPixie]

I'd say do it too. My only reservation would be the 1st tbh purely due to their age but with the holiday good get and being home 3 days a week it's not something huge, only a niggle based on if nanny leaves at some point, but is adapt.

I'm a nanny and would probably come out with an awkward comment like that jokingly once without thinking (and cringe for the rest of my life when it was brought back up in future because the employers find my reaction amusing, we have a few of those incidents!). Luckily my employers know I'm a bit socially awkward and that I wouldn't say it again! If she's said it repeatedly it does make me think that she's worried about the situation and her work hours changing. You need to hah this out with her as she may not want the increased responsibility and work hours that this may entail s in guessing she'll need to do semi regular proxy parenting if you're both travelling? I do it once every month or two, will be doing it this weekend in fact, but I'd leave a job where it was expected more often tbh. I don't live in either though, which is a factor.

[ConfusedPixie]

1yo, not 1st.

[ConfusedPixie]

Jess, my post is a mess. You get and kids adapt.

[OnlyLovers]

april, if being at home with your children less makes you happy then i suppose why not .just don,t expect them to be happy

that's a massive guilt trip and hugely unfair. Where does the OP say that being with her children less makes her actively happy? Shame on you.

[ConfusedPixie]

And seriously, sack the nanny for an awkward joke that she may not even realise is causing offence? Glad none of you are my employers. That's not even something worth a fecking disciplinary let alone sacking. Just a few words. Talk about something that could be dragged through court.

[Dubjackeen]

bookie tubles is possibly my favourite autocorrect ever
Same here. I think I've learned a lot since joining MN but that really had me wondering
Go for if OP. I envy you, but in a nice way.

[IrrelevantSquirrel]

It sounds like you will regret missing the opportunity if you don't take the job. As long as it works for your family then everyone else should mind their own business (especially MIL!). I think the kids will benefit from the concentrated time they spend with you over weekends and holidays so don't see the problem really.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Really, sacking the nanny is a crazy idea - she has been with them as a family for four years, knows the family routine, knows their friends, etc etc - if mum and dad are both away then surely having that familiarity is a good thing rather than being stuck with a stranger.

OP sounds sensible anyway and I don't think she has any intention of sacking the nanny.

[PersonOfInterest]

Do what you want.

YABU to think other people wont have an opinion on it.

I think the opinions may be sexist but I doubt its got anything to do with jealousy! I hope you love your new job but I would hate it and it really wouldn't suit many people.

Why should your MIL help anyway? You're not judging her are you...?

[Fishstix]

I couldn't do it myself. I'd want either DH or I to be around for drop off/pick up, I had absentee parents Asa. Child and hated it. I'm lucky DH's is fully in agreement with me and we have made colossal financial sacrifices so that one or other of us is always around to be with them.
BUT and it's a big but, that's OUR choice and what works and feels right for us. In no way does that mean the rest of the world should rotate to our dictates and if this is what you want (and it sounds like it is) and it works for you and your family then go for it and love it! It's your life, feck everyone else.