to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

[Shreddiez]

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

[HolidayCriminal]

Go for it, OP. Sounds fantastic.
chuck aside what others think (the Xenia's & Cherie Blair's of this world or your MIL/supposed "friends"). This is your life and this path is as valid as any other. If you know you'll love it, you will make it a good way forward for all.

I wouldn't chuck the nanny if the kids like her, though. That comment on its own wouldn't have offended me, anyway.

[Katy1368]

You will work it out shreddiez, when DP was in SA (admittedly only for six months) I was so worried, I do have DM who helps a lot but can't be there all the time so was worrying especially during the inevitable illness bouts. I also did all the night wakings on my own as DP was safely ensconced in his luxury paid for with maid service flat thousands of miles away - no wonder I looked permanently exhausted!

Someone will be along presently to tell you that this will result in your children becoming psychopaths though!

[BookieTubules]

Twirls

More pertinently, YANBU - if it works for your family, it's no one else's business and you don't have to justify yourself.

[Artandco]

Sounds fine.

What my suggestion would be is for a change in bedtimes and schedule especially for baby. So if you plan to be out the house say 7am-7pm. I would change bedtime to 9pm for everyone if possible, especially baby. Nanny can work naps for 1 year old so they nap say hour in am, then 2 hours in pm later, ie 2.30-4.30pm ( during school run in pram maybe). So you can see later in evening if that works. 1 year old can sleep in morning until just before school run, and be taken in pjs in pram with banana if needed, and sorted into clothes and breakfast when home if that works. Will prob be away by 8am anyway if 9pm bed and 3 ish hours nap a day.

Like others said eldest is 8 years so will gradually go to bed later anyway.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I think the thing which would make me feel uneasy about this is not so much the hours but the fact that there are going to be an awful lot of days when the children were in the UK with their nanny and both parents out of the country especially with no family network about.

Can you not just try it for say a year or so just to see though, it may work like a dream or it may be a nightmare but if you really want it you won't know unless you try.

[HavannaSlife]

Take the job!

When ds1&2 were little I worked 4 12 hour shifts a week so it was get them up, drop them off pick them up, put to bed those days.

They are 19 and 11 now and it hasnt done them any harm. You have a nanny so they will be spending more time in their own home than mine did.

[KoalaFace]

I have a lot of experience working with children with social, emotional and behavioural difficulties and children who are in counselling.

I believe completely that when children are loved and feel they are top of the parent's priorities everything else is just down to different family dynamics and choices.

Both parents can work full time, travel a lot and love their jobs but still ensure that the children know they come first. Quality family time a couple of times a week is much preferable (imo) than a bored, frustrated parent who is there full time.

And the vast majority of children I worked with had one or both parents at home with them all day. I say that as a SAHM as well.

[Chasinglemons]

Sexism pure and simple. Massive double standard. Agree that everything is a trade off.

Congratulations and I hope you enjoy this opportunity.

My husband travels ... No comments at all. I return to work and may travel 1 night every 2 weeks ... Apparently a disaster etc, combined with "how on earth will your DP cope.." Hmmm.

OTT reactions - and I'm sadly coming to realise the huge difference between pre and post baby "equality"

[MissDuke]

Lots of luck with the new job it sounds fab :-)

My only concern here is that there is no plan B with childcare. Plan B's are always essential for working parents in case of sickness etc, I definitely would not be happy with dh and I out of the country and just one nanny to rely on. How long has she been working for you? If you have a lot of trust in her then it isn't so bad!

Will either of your workplaces be flexible if you need time off for childcare issues? Or does your nanny have a nanny friend who can help out in emergencies, perhaps she has a friend that knows the children through play dates? Maybe I am a control freak, but for me knowing there was a plan B would make all the difference here :-)

Do you know that this really is the reality of how it will all work out? For example, that you will definitely get leave when you want it, without getting called back in, or that there won't end up being loads of overtime? If you are sure the reality will be what is in your op then I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!

[CommanderShepard]

If it doesn't work out, you can always leave. I say grasp the bookie tubule with both hands.

[ShouldBeDoingSomethingProducti]

Shreddiez - it sounds like a fantasic opportunity and one that you shouldn't let pass you by.

It is invaluable being in a position where you are able to support your family should anything happen to your DH or your relationship with DH and to be able to do that in a job that you love is amazing. Not to mention that your kids wont always be little and retaining your own life/identity/career is no bad thing.

That's a good bit of holiday and being able to take it in the school holidays makes it perfect.

I am sure you have already thought of this, as you and your DH seem to have come up with a plan for the holidays etc, but I would get a hold of the school calendar & speak to the office about anything not on it so that you can try to schedule things so that almost always one of you can be there. School plays, sports days, special events etc. I think that will hit the school age ones the most, if all of a sudden neither of you can attend.

As for the baby - it's ridiculous to say she wont know who her Mum is. Plenty of babies are in nursery fulltime with a lot less 'holiday time' than you will have and without another significant adult in their lives (ie a Nanny). Babies/children don't limit their love to 2 people, they are quite capable of loving lots of people and being attached to lots of people. You will always be here Mum. She might miss her nanny when you are away on holiday, but no more so than another child might miss their best friend or a grandparent.

I'm sure you and DH will both try to be there as much as you can between you and do what millions of other parents do - take an hour or so off in the evening and then do a bit when the kids have gone to bed.

Now, your nanny. For this to work you need a fabulous nanny who loves your children, who is like a third parent and who genuinely likes you. Someone who wants the best for all of you and is not a clock watching pita or worse still someone who will undermine you with your children. Clearly you need to reward her for all of that, with good pay, good holiday allowance and by showing that you appreciate her. There are nannies like that out there, if yours isn't one, I'd consider looking for a new one - pronto.

So... have you accepted it yet

[Gileswithachainsaw]

:o

Loving the name change !!

Obviously both the parents being out the country is not ideal BUT presumably the nanny will he qualified in first aid probably more so than the parents and will see to any medical treatment.

Some flights from some countries can be quicker than driving from various points in the uk.

[Gileswithachainsaw]

(If the parents needed to get back)

[Goodwordguide]

Sounds great, definitely give it a go - if it's too much after a year or so, you can always rethink your options but, like you say, good jobs come along so rarely, I would not turn it down without at least trying it for six months or so.

[pointythings]

Go for it and congratulations. My DDs were in full time childcare (7 till 5) from 6 months old and they never, ever forgot I was their mum. They are absolutely fine. Yes, we did have a bit longer with them every day because we had to get up stupid early every day anyway but we had nowhere near the amount of leave you are getting and both worked a normal 5 day week. I think it will work very well for you, and your friends and family are being sexist arses.

[LittleMissDisorganized]

What a great "bookie tubule" it is and you have earned this, you really have.
When DD was little, I was a single parent, and dropped her at the childminders at 8:15, and tore back to collect her by 6. She was an early riser so we were up at 6, and then it was a 40 minute walk to the CM with which I interacted with her in the pushchair so that pushed our time to 2 hours in the morning, and an hour and a half (half walking) in the evening. It was grim, and I think I worried daily that her primary attachment had ceased to be to me. But there were ways of squeezing the extra time out - with a nanny you have even greater possibilities, like a previous poster said, make bedtime later, or let your early risers rise early so you have longer than 20 minutes.

And I'd not be happy employing someone who joked that - my CM may have judged, but she kept it to herself.

[OnlyLovers]

I say grasp the bookie tubule with both hands. A legend is born.

[Doingakatereddy]

Tell them all to fuck off, especially the nanny.

Sounds like a great opportunity, especially 4 day week and NINE, whoop whoop NINE weeks off

Good luck and I hope you love the job

[TeacupDrama]

can you afford agency nanny say if your nanny was sick when both you and DH out of the country I assume so from your thread you do need back up childcare even with a nanny you would have to give her leave if a parent died she got sick she fell and broke her wrist etc etc

[Shreddiez]

Our nanny is mainly great and the children love her. It was one barbed comment that hurt but everything else about her is good. She has been with us for four years and had two days off sick so she is very reliable and she loves the children and knows all their friends and hosts numerous playdates etc.

We do need a back-up though. We have lots of local friends who would help in an emergency but no real back-up if the nanny took ill for more than a day or two. I really am not sure what to do about that. I think i should sit down with her and talk it through.

[Johnogroats]

Take the job.

I went back to work when DS2 was 1, full time, I was going nuts at home, and DH encouraged me to do so. That job involved leaving house at 7.15, home about 6.15. DSs were in full time nursery and we had an AP. They know exactly who I am!

18 months ago I started a new job. This involves travel about once a month - sometimes 2 nights away, sometimes a week - mainly EU, but also ME and Africa. Sure I miss the boys, but I do love the job and enjoy (most of) the travel. I work from home Fridays, and can do so other days of the week. My boss is very flexible.

Moving on, DSs are now 9 and 7, and (according to school and others) absolutely lovely boys. They know exactly who we are! No one has every criticised me - good thing too as DH used to be in the Navy and spent a lot of time away. As in 9 months at a time, with very very little contact (Skype and mobiles don't work under the sea).

[Coveredinweetabix]

Is the nanny commenting as her job is about to change hugely? Have you discussed it with her? It sounds as though she is about to go from something like a 7am to 7pm job to one which could be something like 7am - 1pm on a Monday and then 7am on a Tuesday to 7pm on a Thursday without a break job. There is a big difference between being live in and having your evenings and nights off and being in sole charge for all of that time. Are you giving her a pay rise or going to pay her for babysitting on an ad hoc basis depending on how long you're away for? One of my former colleagues had two nannies for this reason. One lived in & did anything between 8pm and school drop off, the other arrived at 7am and stayed until the last of the 4DC was home from after school activities (usually around 7.30pm). Another had a live in nanny but the youngest went to the childminder during the day. Obviously this then gave them some flexibility in case of sickness or other emergencies. Yes, I realise single parents deal with this themselves but you're presumably getting a decent pay packet to go with this job so should make sure the childcare arrangements are rock solid as it is bound to be the case then a child needs A&E when you & your DH are both outside the EU.

[Johnogroats]

By the way, if DH is away at the same time as me (unlikely), we usually ask my Dad / MIL to come and stay for a couple of days. This has happened once in the past year.

[FelineLou]

I think you need to find some agency for Nannie back up. She could be ill or have a family crisis of her own.
Also there is SKYPE for family time and children are happy with people who love and care for them but know their parents are special.
Make sure Nannie can connect you.
MIl is older and not thinking straight. It's not her call.
Good Luck in your new job.