to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

[Shreddiez]

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

[Katy1368]

Yes snot you are so right my other half works in the same field, no one judges the men doing that. When DP went away to do a film in South Africa for six months when DD was 17 months and I had just returned to work full time not a comment was said to him about missing "precious" time with DD! A few eyebrows were raised about me going back though. So glad I did as it has really advanced my work position.

Also I was bought up with a mum who worked full time and TBH I always felt loved and valued, we spent a lot of time together as a family in school holidays as she was a teacher and they were brill memories, more than made up for her hard work term time.

[Nocomet]

I agree it's sexist. I'm not keen on both parents working full time with under 3's, but 4 days a week and nine weeks holiday isn't full time.

You have child care, you have a week day off to take DC3 to toddlers, baby swimming or just chill. You get to collect the DCs from school one day a week, touch base with teachers and schoolgate politics. You get most of the holidays. I'd jump at the chance. If the DCs get 1/2 a day of DH even better.

I have DFs who do 4 days, DDs teacher did and it seems to work really well. (The 'retired' teacher who did Fridays liked it to).

I also know another teacher who works full time, but leans very hard on her HT for one day a week when she can do her prep time at home and so do the school pick up.

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

Oh FFS

I was out of the house 8am-7pm when my DCs were little.
I saw them for 30 minutes in the morning and maybe 30 minutes in the evening Monday to Thursday.

I had 20 days annual leave per year.

I did that because I had a fantastic job with loads of scope for improvement and promotion and because I had bills to pay

They are fine. Trust me, they are. The oldest ones are 15 and 16. They have turned out amazing

Congratulations. It sounds like you have found a wonderful job with tons on holidays and that is a GOOD thing.

Enjoy it.

[CMOTDibbler]

Sounds like an amazing opportunity, and with that amount of leave it would be fab. Your dh could take 3 weeks of his leave separately, and maybe he could do more arranging of his hours to be around before bed.
If you have any control over travel, then you can co-ordinate to not both be away together.

FWIW, dh and I both travel. I'm the one who gets judged.

[TheScience]

The nanny will be doing, what? 48 hours a week? With the OP doing the other 120? I don't think that will make the nanny the "primary attachment figure".

[shinny]

Congratulations and take that job!! You are very lucky and ignore what people are saying to try and bring you down. I would love such an opportunity. I returned to work when my youngest was 10 weeks old and she NEVER thought the nanny was her mother. Its about ensuring the time you do have together is quality. And if you are happy and fulfilled doing a job you love, you will be a better person and mother.
Good luck to you.

[Goldmandra]

I've childminded babies 5 days a week for 12 hour days which did mean I saw them awake more than their mothers for a while. It meant that we had lovely deep attachments but I was no way more of an attachment figure to them than their mothers. No way. Not remotely. Not once. Attachment doesn't work like that.

You've thought this through and you clearly trust your nanny to care for the children really well. If there is a concern about the children being 'deserted' that should be levelled at both parents, not just you. Tell your MIL to ask her son to cut his hours if she doesn't like it.

Do it if it is right for you and your family.

You might want to recalculate the weeks your DCs will have parents on leave though. The four weeks when you're all together come out of your nine don't they?

[DIYapprentice]

Firstly, next time nanny makes a comment like that, give her a very pointed stare and say 'I don't find that the least bit funny.' in a serious voice. (Where the hell does she get off making that sort of comment?!)

As to the others, ignore them. You will have the most amazing quality time with your DC, by having longer holidays, and the Fridays with them.

If your DH is doing most Mondays, then our DC will actually only have 3 days a week with only the nanny, and you can always face time them etc. on those days.

It sounds amazing, hope it goes well!!!!

[Nocomet]

Also, unless your not getting home until after 10pm you will see the 8y in the evenings in the next year or so.

Scouts, guides and gymnastics all finished between 7.30-8.30 and quiet evenings and early bedtimes go out the window anyway.

[FourForksAche]

I'm not familiar with how nannies work, but 48 hours a week seems a very long working week.

Would it be worth looking at additional childcare so that the nanny has a more normal working week?

[RaspberryBeret34]

YANBU.

I do have misgivings, or course I do, but I have bigger misgivings about not grabbing this opportunity. Everything is a trade off when you are a working parent. Or at least everything is a trade off when you are a working mother.

I totally agree, we have to make tradeoffs but as they go, this sounds like a no brainer. I actually see my DS a similar amount of time as his Dad has him various times as well as me working 4 days a week. It is absolutely fine and we are so so close, i'd love to spend more time with him of course but I wouldn't say it has had a negative effect at all on our relationship. Massive congratulations on your amazing job offer!

[TheScience]

60 hours a week (7-7 M-F) is a normal working week for a live-in nanny, live-outs are more like 50. If the nanny is only doing 4 days she already has a reduced week.

[Shreddiez]

Katy I was also brought up by a fulltime working mother and i also felt loved and valued, maybe that is a big part of why I am shocked by peoples' reactions towards something i see as reasonably normal.

The travel is a worry, my travel will be outside of the EU and usually for 3-4 days at a time, DH is mainly travelling in the EU and for one or two nights. We will try hard to schedule our trips so one of us is always in the UK and i think that will be manageable 99% of the time. I have great anxiety about us both being out of the country together as the nanny will have no back-up as my parents are deceased and MiL is unwilling to spend time in charge of small children.

[OnlyLovers]

if this was happening to a small child I cared about very much I would feel it was my place to say something as I would be worried about the child's emotional wellbeing.

ikea, you sound like a terrible busybody. If someone said anything like that to me I would feel it was my place to ask them to remove themselves to the far side of fuck.

[TeacupDrama]

you will be working 43 weeks at 4 days =172 days

will be home 43x3 and 9x7 = 193 days

DH will be working 4.5 days 47 weeks =211.5 days
at home 2.5 x 47 and 5 x7 = 152.5

off the 193 and 152.5 days parents are at home weekends (52 x2) and 4 weeks of Dh annual leave (4x7) will overlap ie 132 days with both parents

so OP will actually spend more days at home than at work
so long as a reliable live in nanny probably until youngest is 14 due to possbility of both being away the same nights it should be OK would not be my choice but I would not critise you for making that decision if you were working days a week and some evenings withh only 4 weeks annual leave it would be tougher

[FourForksAche]

TheScience - oh, I'd assumed they'd want a 40 hour week like most other ft jobs. But as I say, no experience of nannies. 60 hour week is harsh!

[TheScience]

If a nanny only does 40 hours, how will they provide childcare for FT working parents?

[Burren]

I wouldn't think twice. Congratulations on the job.

(The only thing that gives me pause is your nanny's comment, which I wouldn't have been impressed by - does she share the all-too-common 'if men work long hours/travel for work, it's Ambition and Providing For the Family, but if women do it, it's Cold Hard Career Bitch and Child Desertion territory?')

I suggest putting a pair of rolled-up socks down your trousers and when your MIL and unhelpful double-standard friends remark on this strange bulge, say you were interested in whether they'd be equally horrified by the evidence that you have both a brain and ambition if you grew a penis.

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Pomme - erm I'm not in cloud cuckoo land thanks I was just stating that I would happily take those hours if I had older kids but for me personallyI wouldn't if I had little ones. Of course we are all different and if OP wants the job and knows it is possible then she should take it without having to justify herself.

I was not suggesting OP waits for another job opportunity to come up - read things properly before making assumptions.

[Bogeyface]

Attitudes like this really make me sick.

No one would ever say this to a man, I bet your DH has never heard anything like this. It seems that we must all sacrifice our careers on the altar of motherhood.

It wouldnt be quite so bad, but based on what you have said, you will see your children more than I did when I was FT in a fairly crappy office job! And yes to sacking the nanny, I wouldnt want anyone who may voice opinions like that in front of them looking after my kids.

[User989546711]

Christ, I've had to work those hours four days a week when DD was 1yo without the long holidays. No one said anything to me. Perhaps I was being judged all along.

The reality is most of us will have to work until 70 y/o and missing opportunities can cost dear later. Sometimes the financial reality means tough choices.

[FourForksAche]

TheScience - in my naivety, I had assumed care was split somehow as it wouldn't occur to me that a 60 hour week is fair.

Anyway, apologies for derailing & glad I'm not a nanny.

[Wantsunshine]

Sounds fabulous you should go for the job and ignore all the jealous comments. The holiday really makes it worthwhile.
If your MIL says anything just say that her son will have to be a SAHD if one parent is going to be home as you earn more. Bet she goes quiet!

Fourfork - nearly all jobs are at least 48 hours a week. Seems standard.

[Goldmandra]

Firstly, next time nanny makes a comment like that, give her a very pointed stare and say 'I don't find that the least bit funny.' in a serious voice. (Where the hell does she get off making that sort of comment?!)

Not helpful. Maybe the nanny is genuinely concerned about a change in relationship dynamics and that it could cause friction between her and the OP. Much better to sit down and talk it through in a civil manner.

[thewalrus]

Wouldn't do it personally. DH wouldn't do it either. That's our choice, and a choice I know in some ways we are fortunate to have made (I work part time from home, he works 4 long days a week with very occasional travel). But it's about what works for you and your family. And nine weeks leave sounds great!!