Who is wrong in this (very mundane) scenario? Me or DP?

[EyelinerQueen]

I am no Monica Geller but I do like to keep the house relatively clean and tidy. DP is great but a bit of a slattern. The issue of the dishes is becoming a real bugbear of mine. He thinks I'm being OTT.

I put it to you MN jury.

When I do the dishes:

I use a fresh sponge each time.
I clean everything in fresh soapy water then rinse thoroughly in cold clean water then put on rack.
If there are dirty pots I leave them till last and sometimes even fill the sink a second time rather than wash anything in dirty water.
When finished I pull the plug out and give the sink a wipe around.
I also wipe down the worktops and taps and the bit behind the taps.

When DP does the dishes:

He uses a manky sponge.
He will wash a dirty frying pan BEFORE using said manky sponge to wash my nice cups.
He doesn't rinse anything so things go on the rack with dirty suds and bits of food debris on them.
He doesn't think to use a metal scourer to clean stubborn things (like scrambled egg on a bowl) so half the dishes are still dirty when he's finished.
He leaves dirty water all over the sides of the sink and even all over the floor (How is that even possible?!)
He leaves the disgusting water in the sink with the plug in and walk away.

It is driving me INSANE. I feel like I have to clean up after his cleaning up and I'd rather he didn't do the dishes at all than do it like this.

Who is BU??

He is being unreasonable. He should not use a manky sponge or wash dishes in the wrong order.
I'm waiting for a dishwasher as I hate the way my Dh does them too.

Yes. Get a dishwasher. Washing up is a machines job! Life's too short to wash dishes.

I want to shove his head into dirty dishwater after reading your description of his 'washing' of the pots.

He may as well lick them clean, tbh.

You are far more reasonable than he is, although I agree that a new sponge every time is OTT - just how dirty ARE your dishes?

Get a dishwasher if you can, that's my advice. My husband would divorce me and marry ours if he could. It's only a little one - slimline - but it is big enough. It goes on every night. Job done.

What are you doing to the sponges?! I buy the cheap ones and they still last a month or more! Your method seems best overall but the new sponge every time is rather wasteful. If he doesn't do the other tasks, he must know that you will have to do them, seems a bit inconsiderate.

I am a bit suspicious of otherwise intelligent, physically able people who constantly make a hash of simple but unpleasant jobs. I suspect he is waiting for you to give up on nagging him and just take over the job permanently.

Oh and yes to dishwasher. That is my main ambition in life, to have a dishwasher I hate washing up.

Where does he find a manky sponge? Does he hunt one down somewhere else? You don't give a sponge time to get manky! This made me laugh really hard.

Other than the sponge, though, I do pretty much the same as you, though I rinse in hot.

I tend towards your approach, but as already said, the new sponge thing is OTT.

I had the same issues with my (now) DH. It was never raised as an isue, but when we put the new kitchen in our then house, I had to decide between extra cupboard space and a draining board, or a dishwasher and extra work space (very small kitchen). I went for the dishwasher as I could see myself getting really frustrated with his lack of washing up skills!

I only told him this was why we got a dishwasher about a year ago (married, different house and 2 kids later). He actually got a bit upset and we went through a phase of me being presented with his washing up to check (in a lighthearted way)

I think he is over it now, but it does get brought up now and again.

My other one was the toothpaste tube. We had a bathroom cabinet and a 'tube' was obviously too difficult to replace inside it, so I forked out for the expensive upright kind, easier than stressing about a tube of toothpaste lying around and no arguments. (I don't think I've told him about that one yet!)

Ok, you might be a bit obsessive with the new sponge every time, but if his way is the alternative then I'll take yours!

However, this will not end well if he hasn't managed to grasp it by now, so if you quite like washing up and don't like the way he does it, could you trade off for something else? So you always wash up, but he has to do all the laundry (and please don't tell me he does that wrong too!) or he is responsible for some other household chore entirely? It has to be equivalent, something that needs doing either daily, or at least requires the same time commitment as washing up, otherwise it's not fair, but could that work?

you do the dishes how i was taught by my mum, but not how i do them.
So you are 100% correct but over the top for every day.
but things have to be washed in this order

1. rinsed
2. wash glasses
3. cutlery
4. plates
5. saucepans
6. frying pans

He is a mucky bugger but you are a bit controlling. All the things already mentioned - excessive use of sponges (whatever do you do to them to ruin them in one washing session?), but also you describe the cups as "my nice cups" - surely they're his as well? To wash as he sees fit? You take pleasure in the dishwashing, he sees it as a chore, but he does do it.

Just get a dishwasher, save the arguments and bad feelings.

Your method is correct EyelinerQueen

You should appreciate that he shares the task OP. As others have said, a new sponge every time is VU and, frankly, a waste of money. IMO I would echo what others have said: get a dishwasher. Far more hygienic as it washes at a much higher temperature than you will be doing by hand and - and this for me is a big plus - it is essentially a cupboard to put the dirty stuff in, thereby keeping surfaces clear.

It sounds like he's deliberately doing it badly so that you do it instead.

Lazy **wit.

Keatsie I do leave used sponges on the side for jobs like cleaning and bleaching under the drainer and if a sponge is not noticeably minging then I will reuse it....sometimes!

The dishwasher is sounding more and more appealing especially with DC2 on the way in July.

I have considered the sabotage theory but dismissed it quickly. DP is a wonderful man and more than pulls his weight (feeds and walks the dog, does bedtime with DD, makes me cups of tea and snacks at my whim and all alongside a demanding and high responsibility job).

It's just this one chore that drives me potty.

I am going to make a resolution to stop being a sponge wastrel .

wowfudge why should she appreciate that he shares the task when he doesn't bloody do it properly? And it's his washing up as well so of course he should be doing it. Fgs why are people supposed to be so pathetically grateful if their partner 'helps' with household chores?! It's not 'helping' it's being a ducking grown up and doing what needs doing!

The only bit I disagree with op is the New sponge each time, that seems excessive. My children can wash up better than your husband.

I agree with you 5madthings. It's as if I should be grateful that he does chores in his own home because its really my job??

I sure as shit don't feel grateful when I'm cleaning up his mess!

Dishwashers do a very good job -sparkling glasses etc - you'll like the results. You'll probably find you still wash pots by hand though - so still some satisfaction for you at doing a job well.

Why do you rinse with cold water? Doesn't it take the dishes longer to dry?

My DH is the same as yours - I've explained that the dishwasher can't cope with scrambled egg pots and clumps of food on the wooden spoon or bowls with dried-on breakfast cereal etc. Not only that but the dishwasher distributes the dried on starch round all the mugs and glasses. Therefore putting the scrambled-egg pot etc in the dishwasher is worse than just leaving them lying around. After years of me explaining this to him he is finally beginning to see the light.....

Another tip - use the fairy platinum tablets - nothing else is as effective. (I don't work for fairy, honestly)

Well do you ever leave the resulting mess for him to clean up? Let plates with bits stuck on be put away so he gets to eat off them next time? Let the kitchen stay messy?

He needs to see the consequences of his approach - though he may not care!

I used to have this when I first moved in with DH.

I solved it by not cooking for him the following day. I told him if he expected me to cook then I expected him to do the washing up properly.

I get a sad sense of satisfaction out of doing it 'my way'.

I think there is a clue here ^^

The way DH does dishes drives me mad. We got a dishwasher.

Now the way he loads the dishwasher drives me mad instead

YABU for the clean sponge every time, you can reuse them He's just disgusting.

My Mum washed up like him too, when DP and I visit we have to rewash plates and cups and everything before we use it. My parents also stack things in the sink as you would in a cupboard (plates on top of each other, cups stacked, etc) but they don't wipe the bottom of plates/cups/etc, so when it gets into the cupboard, whatever was on the bottom of the plate from the top of the plate it was stacked on in the sink then gets all over the plate underneath it in the cupboard

Well, how manky is this sponge? Twice used? It's probably not as terrible as you're saying it is.

Is there a different chore he could do instead? Me and my husband don't take turns on the same chore. He has dishes, I have laundry. But sometimes if we're feeling nice we'll pick up each other's slack.