to treat baby #2 differently to pfb?

[ikeaismylocal]

I'm pregnant with dc2, me and dp are both very happy about the pregnancy.

A few issues have come up, the baby is due in October I need to do one more course before I can apply for the university course I'm aiming to start autumn 2015, I suggested that dp take paternity leave for 2 days a week so I can do this course, it would mean giving the baby either expressed breastmilk or formula. I was very precious about ds not having a bottle as I was so worried about nipple confusion, breast rejection and milk production, ds has never had a bottle and was ebf up to 6 months, at the time in my pfb haze this all seemed really important to me.

I didn't leave ds at all, not even for half an hour until he was 10 months (I didn't even want dp to take him out for a walk).

We had a 3d/4d scan with ds, we also have recordings of his heartbeat and weekly bump photos, with dc2 we have the 12 week scan photo somewhere hopefully I don't feel the need to spend money on a fancy scan and so far there have been no bump photos.

Dp says I am being unfair to the 2nd baby and we should. treat it exactly the same as ds, I just feel that all the pfb things were probably unnecessary and we don't have as much time/cash/inclination this time, of course we will love the new baby just as much as ds1 but aibu to not do a 3d scan, not obsessively ebf and leave the baby with dp a couple of times a week?

No way!! you are not at all being unreasonable you did those things as an un experienced mother, now you know better what you think is important and what isn't important based on your now experienced point of view.
In hindsight you feel you were a little precious with ds (as does many looking back) whats the point in having experience if you don't use it to make your life easier.

I may be wrong or or may have changed but I thought paternity leave had to be taken as a chunk?

In theory though YANBU. I have 3 dc and situations and circumstances change.

YANBU. Enjoy the more relaxed feeling of having your second.

I think it's pretty normal to treat number two/three/four differently and have a more relaxed attitude towards them.

I think I'm mostly worried about the things that the children will actually know about like the scan, I don't think anyone ever tells their child that they were ebf or that they weren't left until 10 months.

I wish I'd taken monthly pictures of ds on the same blanket each month to chart how much he'd grown/changed, maybe I should do that with dc2 so they have something ds1 doesn't have.

My poor brother ( dc2) doesn't know what his first words were as dm can't remember, I pointed out to dm that she should have just made something up "ball" or "car" it's not like db remembers!

You can never treat them the same. Different circumstances and different babies. I actually feel the opposite the dc2 got a better deal due to me being more experienced (I breastfed dc2 for 11 months and dc1 for 5 months) and always having another child around for interaction ect

I think your concerns are in the right area.

I was going to ask if you'd be happy to dump all the extra stuff you did for DC1 so they both have the same stuff to look at in 10 years time

After your second post, I think if you have a roughly equal quantity of things to show them, that would be fine.

They will notice a difference.

Good that you're thinking about it, some of us don't/didn't till it's too late and have awkward questions to answer.

FFS, does your partner also want you to replicate every mistake you made with your first child?
You are more experienced now, and you have a better idea of what is important, so in some ways your second is likely to be better off than your first.

You're not suggesting leaving your new baby to forage for its own food and sleep in the corner on a pile of straw or something.

YANBU BUT be prepared to fall in love with your dc2 in a way that you didn't expect! I loved my dc1 as a baby but it was a very anxious time so I never quite got that blissed out feeling. Dc2 came along, fed like a dream and smiled early and often. I had meant to leave her at 9mo but just couldn't do it (partly cost of childcare though...!)

Is he just worried about having to muck in?

I think ts perfectly normal to have differences.
And perfectly lovely that you're thinking about things to be fair.
Good luck with everything.

Thanks for the replies :)

I don't think dp is worried about helping, we don't live in the UK ( that's why the parental leave is a bit different) dp will take at least 3 months paternity leave, he took tge leave with ds between 12 and 16 months which I think was much harder than cuddling a newborn!

I think your wise katese I'll anticipate feeling differently when the baby is born.

I am exactly the same - DS1 never had a bottle, ebf, never left etc. DS2 is three weeks old and has a bottle of expressed milk every night and I'm keen to have a break earlier on than I did with my first so he will be left earlier. However, as a pp said, I'm so much less anxious and am able to enjoy him more. The love is just the same and that's what counts.

I think you can get away with doing some things differently and I totally understand why you would feel differently this time and probably not have the time/inclination to do all the things you did first time. So you are definately nbu in feeling this way.

However I would try to make the effort to do some things like the bump photos - it wouldn't take much effort and although you may not want it for yourself as much as the first time, your dc2 would love to have these photos to look back on i'm sure. If you could possibly afford the scan I think you have set the precedent there too - I totally understand why you don't feel the need second time round but I kind of see these things as being for your future dc as much as yourself and if you don't have them it may be a bit hurtful for them to feel that you weren't as excited second time round. I know this isn't the case of course but they won't understand that until they have children themselves.

As for the feeding and leaving them thing, they will never have a clue or probably ask about that and even if they did, it would be easier to tell a little white lie!

Just to say my DH is on paternity leave at the moment and it has to be taken in week chunks. It may be more a case of him using his annual leave or asking to work flexibly?

My first born had the baby book with all the milestones filled in.. kept her first shoes, dummy, blankie etc.

Second born.. half the book got filled.

Third and fourth didn't even get books !

However they are all equally loved :) Also I became a progressively less anxious.. and therefore better parent with each succesive child .. the younger ones were far easier babies and more chilled out little children as a result!

They are all young adults now and no one cares if Ic an remember their first word.. what matters is that we are there for them, rescue them when needed, cuddle them when they are home...:)

I think you sound eminently sensible - you can never replicate the same experience for each child, after all your PFB was an only child and PSB will never experience that same one-to-one intensity.
Each child comes into a 'different' family, as the number of siblings increases, family circumstances change/adapt, and you as parents gain experience.

My PSB is 12 days old, and I've already left him with my DM for 45 mins to go pick up PFB from preschool - I didn't get more than 30ft away from PFB for his first four months! I feel completely different this time around, not as animalistically not a real word possessive for one thing, and a lot more willing to let others help.

I wouldn't worry too much, it would be nice for them to have the same pictures to look at when they're older, but as for the rest of it I think that you know what's right and what's excessive not. As long as your baby is happy then it's fine.

With regards to the paternity leave, I think some employers are flexible, my DH's boss let him split the 2nd week so I had him for 1 whole week and then 2 half weeks, I actually found this a bit better as I felt eased into being on my own rather than suddenly on my own but whatever works for you.

Don't they say that with your first you sterilise everything, with your second you shove it in the dishwasher and by your third you get the dog to clean it?!

If you are exactly the same with each what will they argue about when older?

I have 3 sisters and we have a fine line in laying on the guilt for mum. "Mum why did DSIS 3 get to keep her hair lovely and long when you gave the rest of us the horrible bowl cut? Is it because she's blond and you thought she was prettier?"

"Mum why did you drive DSis 4 everywhere even to college but you bunged me on the bus from 11? Did you not love me as much as the baby?"

"Mum why does DSis 1 have 12 photos in your study but DSis 3 only have 1 little one stuck behind the coatrack?"

Hours and hours of endless fun to be had why deny your children that?

The parental attention DC2 misses out on is offset by the attention from an older sibling DC1 never had, IMO.

softly is right but so is tethers.

When my first was born there was me and her and her father.

When my third arrived there was me, his father, his 2 sisters, lots of their friends, school runs, 2 dogs, 3 cats, 17 hamsters and 6 chickens!
I had to fight for his attention.

I think who no.2 spends time with, whether you BF or not will be irrelevant .
But they will both/all notice things like photos and progress records later on.

I do hope the 2nd baby doesn't feel bad when older, I think alot of the pregnancy things, tge scan and bump shots were done for my benefit really.

I didn't even get round to filling in ds's baby book, so that's one less thing to worry about! I have written an in-depth monthly update for ds1, I intend to do the same for dc2.

Ds1 will be in nursery for 3 mornings a week so in that time I'll take dc2 to baby massage or baby singing, not thay dc2 will remember!

The paternity leave is quite different and flexible here, dp can take as much leave as he wants (480 days split between us) whenever he wants ( before the child's 7th birthday) he could take 1 day a week for 2 years if he wanted so I'm sure the leave would work out fine.

I think dp feels a little intimidated by the thought of having a newborn and ds who will not yet be 2 when the baby is born but I pointed out that I also feel slightly apprehensive but neither of us have the option of opting out of caring for both of the children.

I think that is where the idea of pfb comes from! As others have said you are just so much less anxious and experienced the second time around, they may get less attention coddling but they probably benefit from being less smothered. Dd1 was always in a sling or on the boob, i was obsessed with her sleep to the point of post natal anxiety, she ended up only sleeping on the boob or on me, which didn't help either of us. Dd2 is mix fed due to poor weight gain, has a dummy and screams to be put down when she's tired- better for all of us.

I remember thinking when pregnant that i didn't see how i could love this baby as much as dd1, but its absolutely not a problem once they arrive. And the guilt about time is more guilt about not being able to give dd1 all my attention any more- don't think i would feel like i am neglecting her if i hadn't spoiled her first!

Much much better for the baby! I was my mother's pfb and my siblings had it much easier once she had relaxed. I can't think why you would want to repeat some things like never letting your DP have time alone with the baby. Relax and enjoy!

I would try and get the 3d scan photo at least. I was exactly the same as you, with my first i took photos allt he time, with my second i just didnt have the same spare time on my hands/the novelty had worn off. My DD still harps on about the fact there are hardly any photos of her compared to the number of photos of her brother as a baby, it really bugged her