AIBU to not want to leave him for a weekend yet

[SigningGirl]

Hi,

PFB DS is 15 months - shortly before he was born DH and I were given a city break gift by his parents with free weekend of babysitting. I found that quite odd at the time; I hadn't even given birth to him yet and they wanted me to leave him to go on a jolly.

Nevertheless, I smiled politely and said thank you. Fast forward 15 months, I'm still BF (although less and less) and we still haven't taken the break. Mainly because I am the one that organises these things and I don't want to go away without DS.

My reasons are:

I'm still BF (he won't take a bottle or drink milk from a cup. We've tried many many times)
Family time is precious - we don't get enough time as a three anyway
I wouldn't want to be so far away in case anything happened
My inlaws are lovely, but their place is totally not child friendly - DS has to be watched 100% of the time there, so they would have to stay at ours and I don't tend to leave people in our house for a weekend without us...
Their first aid skills leave quite a bit to be desired (which I think is important).

and the last one... which is a gut thing. I just don't want to...

DH is being understanding and supportive, but would go away and leave him. AIBU?

Is there a deadline to use the trip by?

What's the point of going if you aren't going to enjoy it?

YANBU to wait until you feel ready.

Look, if you don't want to, you don't want to - no need to justify it.

When DS was almost 3 DH and I went away with my work colleagues for 2 nights to Geneva to celebrate my company's 10th anniversary. I hated leaving him, worried about it for ages and couldn't wait to get back to him. saying that I did have a good time but it was hard.....and he was twice your little one's age.

Do what your gut tells you, maybe see if you can postphone till he is a bit older.

Yes, YABU (ish).

As you are BF "less and less" then he must be getting other food/drink somehow, but if it's being a kerfuffle at the moment than now is not quite the right time.

But he will get the hang of it pretty soon, and then he can be left. Your ILs will be able to keep him safe. And although time as a three might be rare, I bet time as a two is even rarer. And also important.

How long until the offer expires? (Or are ILs simply offering to pay, and you can book any time?)

Mines just over 2 and I've never left him yet, not even for one night.
I agree - family time is so precious, we'd both miss him way too much to go away without him!
Any chance you can take him with you?

If you don't want to then don't do it.

But...it was a gift given with good intentions, presumably they were thinking that it's nice to have a break to look forward to when you've got a baby. So the nice thing to do would be to accept the gift with grace.

Also...the first aid thing. Are you only going to leave your baby with people who you consider proficient first aiders? I think that's probably going a bit far, for me.

I would not have wanted to leave my DC for more than one night at that age so if the break is 2 or 3 nights and some distance away I can understand your anxiety. Is the gift a voucher that must be used or the ILs will waste their money? If so, could you not take your DS with you?

Yanbu. There's no point going if you're not going to be enjoying yourself. There is no set time to be ready to leave your dc.

We left dd with mil when she was 14 months and I hated it, I was still bfing and my breasts got really engorged. We came back early.
Ds is nearly 1 and not had a night away from me.

Are you sure you don't want to go, or are all the things you listed making you so anxious that you decided it'd be easier for you to stay?

I've never had any second thoughts about living my children with my parent or inlays.
Well, actually, I did have second thoughts, and did engage in dramatic scenarios. But then I tried to stay rational, and the will of spending a few hours amongst adults and doing different things was greater than my apprehension, iyswim.

Only you can decide what's best for you, of course.

leaving and inlays of course

oh I hate autocorrect, in laws!

You don't need a reason to not want to leave him with someone else overnight. You appear to have a number of them, so don't do it.

There's no official time-scale for doing such things and your instincts are probably working just fine. My sister and brother-in-law didn't go out socially for about four years once they started their family. I thought it was odd but they didn't appear to want to. Which is fine.

Yanbu. I still haven't left my DCs. The eldest is nearly 3.
Can you gratefully accept/book the city break but take DS with you?
We love city breaks with the kids.

YANBU...mostly. I'll leave the "but" to the end.

I didn't leave my PFB until 18mo and had stopped bfing a few months earlier, but still sobbed as I left, and during our trip away as well. I didn't feel easier about leaving her until she could clearly articulate her wants and needs through speech to her grandparents - and I knew they understood.

I left DC2 at about 9mo whilst still bfing and it was easier having done it with DC1, although the bfing did mean I spent a fair amount of time pumping-and-dumping and yearning for my baby in a physical way just so I could relieve the pressure!

(Here comes the) But...all the times I have been away from the DCs with DH (that makes it sound like lots, it's maybe 4 or 5 times tops in 6 years) we have had a good time and, crucially, reconnected as a couple (and yes, DTD). And the DCs have spent valuable time with their grandparents. And all of that is also important.

I will say this very gently, but perhaps you should book it for when your DS is 18mo or 2yo, in other words force your future self's hand a little, and also give your DH something to look forward to as well.

YANBU. My DD is only 10 months, but otherwise very similar (bf, bottle/cup refuser). I can't imagine leaving her for a whole weekend in 5 months' time. There are years ahead for me and DH to go on weekend breaks together, and we've been away plenty of times before now. DD is only little once, so all that can wait until she doesn't need me as much.

If you don't want to go, don't go. And definitely don't feel guilty about it.

Why don't you just take him with you and go and enjoy yourself. My DD's are 8 & 12 and I still haven't left them for longer than 1 night yet (I realise I probably am being a little unreasonable with that, but I just don't want to!)

As others say, don't go if you know you won't be comfortable going.

But also as others say, it is nice to spend some quality time together as a couple. To start to get a bit of a break - though this is a learning curve, when it involves spending time away from your DC and trusting that someone else is OK to look after them.

There's no right or wrong, and if you and your DH are happy with this set up than that's great. It sounds like your DH wants to go. Do you know why? Does he want to spend some time alone with his wife? I know what's what mine says when we have been able to get away. I love my DC and couldn't be happier than I am a mum, but every now and again I also want to reconnect with the person I was for over thirty years before having her, and to spend some quality time alone with my DP - and equally to know that my DC is learning to feel happy and comfortable with other members of your family.

There is no point in doing anything that will make you unhappy. But just looking at the points you've mentioned above, I don't want to is obviously the overriding and most important one. But some of the other points read a little as excuses to me (in the nicest possible way, I'm also guilty of making excuses like those too!) Like your in-laws house not being child-friendly - neither is our ILs house, but when DC is with them they don't actually leave her alone, as for them it is a novelty spending time with the GC. And the first aid skills - there will probably come a point where someone with less skills than you will look after your DC.

I left my pfb for the first time by choice overnight when we moved house (moving day) - he was just under 18 months. I left him with my mum and dad and brother, all of whom he adores and I know my mum has a huge amount of experience having worked with kids for 30 years... But I still cried for a good thirty minutes in the car driving down the road!
Before that, I had to be apart from him for 4 days and nights when I was hospitalised when he was 15 months - I cried when I was admitted, but after that I was just too poorly and just had to get a grip and try to get better ASAP!
I think YANBU to want to wait a bit. I don't think I would want to leave DS even now for more than one night (he's nearly 2 now) and anyway - having had another baby last week, I won't be going anywhere for a while!!
Maybe book it for a few months time? Or why not book two single nights in a hotel not far away so that you get a night away, meal out etc without the worry? Could you split the babysitting deal or do your Inlaws live a long way away?

call the city break people and ask how much to include baby in the booking. it wont cost much more. go with baby. he wont take an airline seat as under two and just needs cot in a room.

then gradually start building up time leaving baby with ILs or other babysitters.

you need to because :
i1. t is good for you and h to go out alone

1. because something may/will at some point happen to you or dh eg illness accident and you will HAVE to leave ds...whether its for two hours or two days....so best to have him used to being with others and you used to it too.

Take him with you!

Everyone thinks differently about this issue. And every point of view is fine. It's just completely up to you.

The whole point of a gift is to bring some joy to the other person. Not provide them with an ordeal. So it's not possible for you to be 'unreasonable' by not going, the gift is for your benefit not theirs!

Having said that, it is possibly a bit keen - the 'present' to the parents which actually translates as 'we get the baby all to ourselves for the weekend'. Are they a bit too super keen? And you're not comfy with that yet? If you feel a bit railroaded - definitely just take him.

cestlavielife makes a good point - sometimes thing do happen and your DS might need to stay with someone else for a while. It's probably helpful to gradually introduce that into his life, in a way that makes you feel comfortable.

In no way have I started overnights with my parents at a young age so they'll feel normal by the time she starts school and we'll be screwed for childcare, oh no...

yes, go and take DS with you!

YANBU to not want to go. There's no point going if you're going to miserable being separated from him.

However YABU though to say 'DH and I were given a city break gift by his parents with free weekend of babysitting. I found that quite odd at the time; I hadn't even given birth to him yet and they wanted me to leave him to go on a jolly.'

They gave you a present, a very nice present at that, which they no doubt that was thoughtful and would be well received. No one is forcing you to go on a 'jolly'.

'Nevertheless, I smiled politely and said thank you.'

Good grief!

squoosh, it was a lovely gift, please don't get me wrong, but I was heavily pregnant with my first child, in pain, and hormonal; I couldn't see past the next few weeks, is all I meant!! it was a nice thing for them to do!!

the gift doesn't expire, but they do mention it when we see them...

I have left ds with them for hours (though not completely overnight, they put him to bed etc) so I do trust them to look after him, they are good with him!

re: the first aid thing. at an age where everything goes in his mouth, he is prone to choking, if someone doesn't know how to deal with that, then that isn't safe... they don't have to be qualified to the hilt, but basic knowledge is important!

thanks for the views!

I'm another whose first thought was take him with you?

It's up to you when you feel comfortable with this, although I admit I find it a bit strange when parents can't bear to leave toddlers/older children. I used to love my little bit of child-free time, but I understand we are all different in how we feel about this.

It is hard the first time. I left my son at 11 months overnight with my parents who were fab parents, great grandparents, and I trusted totally but I still left them with four sheets of carefully written instructions on how to look after him. Bless them they just smiled and took the list, but I cringe now thinking back. Talk about pfb situation.

Don't be too precious about PILS having him to stay. They managed to raise their own kids ok so unless you have serious concerns, which you don't as you leave him with him for a few hours, then really you are just looking for excuses with the first aid stuff blah blah. And you don't have to make excuses for not wanting to leave your baby just yet.