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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be unhappy at child care made for my child without my permission

28 replies

Joanne279 · 28/04/2014 14:57

I'm so cross but because this is to do with mil, I'm not sure I'm over reacting.

Mil was asked to babysit 1yesr old whilst we move house. I have now found out she has an interview the same day. Now, instead of telling me so we could over come this together, she's arranged to take my child to her interview and leave her in the car with her other son.

My problem is that I wasn't asked, or even told what would happen. She mentioned it to dh who
Wasn't happy either.

Also, her last interview that dh drove her to was 1.5 hours long! Plus 40 min each way driving. I'm not happy at my child being in a car unnecessarily for that long, especially when I wasn't even told before hand.

If I would have known about her interview I would have happily made other arrangements for my child.

Aibu to be annoyed? X

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 28/04/2014 15:00

Yanbu

Too long in a car for a baby, is the older child old enough to be a proper babysitter? 14 or so?

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 28/04/2014 15:00

Absolutely not unreasonable! I simply wouldn't let her have your child - they'll be in no worse a position hanging around with you than they would be with her.

Infinity8 · 28/04/2014 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juule · 28/04/2014 15:04

Has the interview happened yet? If not, make other arrangements for your child. Either way let her know you want informing if something like this arises again especially where your one year old would be left for a considerable time in the care of a minor (I'm assuming that her son is under 18y if she is taking him with her).

CecilyP · 28/04/2014 15:05

Of course you're not over-reacting. Any reasonable person would have told you they had the interview on that day, apologised that they couldn't help, and asked you to make some other arrangement. You do not say how old the other child is. If he is quite young himself, she is doubly unreasonable.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/04/2014 15:06

The son is over 18 but never spent a huge amount of time with my dd or any kids. In a car for that long, she'd be grouchy and I feel he'd lack knowledge and experience of how to play with her and keep her from being grumpy.

The interview (thankfully) hasn't happened and I'm now making other arrangements x

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 28/04/2014 15:34

I can understand your feelings but, equally, I can see why your MIL might have done this. Did she find out about the interview after she had agreed to babysit your DD? If so then it may be that she feels she doesn't want to let you down having already agreed to help out and probably feels that another young adult in the family would be an appropriate person to mind your DD for this time.

So - maybe not ideal but I don't think you should be so cross when she probably thinks she is doing it all for the best.

Tinpin · 28/04/2014 15:58

I think she was trying not to bother you at a busy time. Not unreasonable that she the child's grandmother should take the baby with her and the child's adult uncle look after her for an hour or so. According to your post
you don't actually know how far the interview away is at the moment anyway.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/04/2014 16:00

Yes I can see she thought she was helping, but I'm not happy at her being in the car for that long. I just would have liked to have been asked, or at least told what her plans were. I thought she could have at least mentioned it x

OP posts:
VelmaD · 28/04/2014 16:03

The sitting in the car I wouldn't be keen on, but surely an 18 year old uncle can be trusted to push a buggy or pushchair round a town centre /take them to a coffee shop style thing for an hour? How old is your DD? Your mil obviously tried to keep all her obligations going, and not to worry you.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 28/04/2014 16:18

Why does her over 18 yo son have to go and wait in the car too? Is he there solely to look after your dd or would he be going too? Would you trust him to stay at MIL's home with dd on his own?

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/04/2014 16:49

Yes I'd trust him I'm just annoyed that I wasn't asked if I minded her being in the car. Her last interview that dh took her to was a 3 hour round trip. I don't that that's fair on dd, and I'd prefer it didn't happen. To me there are other alternatives that would work better and I've liked to be involved on decisions made regarding my child x

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 28/04/2014 17:07

Presumably the over 18 year old son (the OP's DBIL?) is taking MIL to the interview the same way the OP's DH did to the last one?

I think a long drive is less than ideal for a 1 yr old, though it's not clear there will be a long drive yet is it? But a couple of hours in the company of an uncle doesn't seem bad to me even if he hasn't had much experience with babies, providing there are no concerns about his judgement, temper, etc. Looking after a 1 year old for a few hours isn't exactly hard.

Nevertheless YANBU to be unhappy about it being done without your permission. Your MIL should have explained to you when the interview came up and told you she had a plan and what it was.

ApocalypseThen · 28/04/2014 17:08

Well make the decisions then, and leave your mil out of it. You seem to have lost sight of who was doing whom a favour.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/04/2014 17:10

Even if some

OP posts:
Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/04/2014 17:11

Even if someone is doing me a favour, I would still expect common courtesy still to apply to be told of her intentions with my child. I don't think that's asking too much x

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 28/04/2014 17:13

I hope you never go on holiday abroad or travel far with your DC.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 28/04/2014 17:14

Oh the joys of sarcasm!

OP posts:
ICanSeeTheSun · 28/04/2014 17:15

If your trust MIL to look after DC then you trust her to look after the child.

What MIL does while her grandchildren are in her care it up to her.

Martorana · 28/04/2014 17:16

The last interview was a 3 hour round trip- is this one?

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/04/2014 17:17

I don't think it's a breach of courtesy OP, it's just a differeent form of courtesy. She didn't want to stress you and thought she had all the bases covered. She was trying to be thoughtful and reliable, it just doesn't match your own sense of priorities. Your priorities aren't wrong, but niether are hers. They're just different.

Ask her how long the journey's going to be and decide if you're OK with it. If not, tell her, very nicely, that you don't want her worrying about your baby when she has a long drive and an interview and make other arrangements. And next time she offers to do you such a nice favour get your DH to emphasize that you'd won't be inconvenienced if something comes up, but she should let you know.

MooncupMadness · 28/04/2014 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AWombWithoutARoof · 28/04/2014 17:22

I agree, she should have asked you if you minded her son looking after your DD, but no, I wouldn't have an issue with the length of time being in the car. I wonder though, did she feel her interview was causing a problem given she'd agreed to childmind, so she felt it was up to her to come up with a solution?

40 mins drive isn't a big deal, I don't think, and once they get there your DD can get out of her car seat and play with toys, or could he take the pram and take her for a walk?

Martorana · 28/04/2014 17:23

"I disagree. These are not MIL own children - would you expect her to make a Doctor's appointment for them, take them for a haircut, drive several hours away and stay there for the night - all without a word to the parents of the child? No of course not."

No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't expect her to get the child's ears pierced, take her on holiday to Thailand or get her confirmed without a word to the parents of the child either. In what way is that relevant to this thread.

ApocalypseThen · 28/04/2014 17:23

It's hardly the same thing. It's no treat for the mil to care for a baby on the same day as a job interview - it's extra stress for her on a day she could probably do without it. It's not like she's trying to deprive the OP of the golden, once in a lifetime chance to be the first person to be in the car for 3 hours with this baby.