to feel upset by dp's rant even though I know he didn't mean it the way it was said

[wheresthelight]

Dp has come in from work this morning ranting about having checked his bank account last night and how shocked he was at how little money was in it (over 5k so not exactly brasic). We downsized recently and he had about 10 that didn't go into the new house but was out to one side for redecorating and furniture etc. HE has spent about 4k across solicitor fees from his divorce, car repairs, 1k on a shed, new work bench and shelving etc. But he has come home ranting that "we" need to reign it in and he is worried how we will manage. I am currently on maternity leave and my final pay is this week so I am feeling shitty enough as it is that after this month's bills I have nothing to my name bar about £100 in savings as everything I have /had has gone on the new baby. He knows I am feeling crap about my finance situation but there is nothing we can do. My job won't let me go part time in the role I was doing and the job they are offering I physically cannot do due to a work related injury that's still under investigation but basically needs an operation that the surgeon will not even consider for another 6-10 years as the risk is I would lose more movement in my arm. Even without that the drop in my wages alone wouldn't cover the childcare costs so dp would still have to top itbup and pay for my day to day expenses like car etc so we would be even worse off so he has insisted I give up work to look after dd.

I know he doesn't mean to make me feel shit and like a complete failure and is just venting, but I feel awful.

I go without everything so I don't out added strain on him, I honestly have 1 pair of jeans and 2 tops that fit me and are presentable enough to leave the house in (everything else has baby stains on it or has developed holes or is simply too small) and I feel horrid that I cannot afford to buy anything.

Our earnings mean under the new tax credits system we get zero help which makes me so cross!! At least under the old system we wouldbhave got £400 which would have paid a significant amount of the childcare bill. Despite being disabled toothed point I cannot work I am not disabled enough to get daddy according to my consultant sonic literally rely on dp for everything and I am so upset.

I suffer with depression and anxiety anyway so that is probably blowing it out of proportion but I just feel so shit!!

Dd was not planned btw I was told I couldn't have kids so no option to save iyswim and EVERYTHING she has is second hand bar the essentials. Which is another bone of contention as dsc's got new everything and my dsis is pregnant and won't stop going on about how much they are spending on new X and new y

Dla bot daddy! Sorry autocorrect and tears

I didn't want to read and run - you sound so upset.

Do you think your DP realises how you are feeling?
Can you talk to him about it?
What about CB - I know it isn't loads but do you have access to that?

Thanks mumra, yes he knows we have talked lots previously I just don't think he thinks about it when he is stressed. His exw put an awful lot of pressure on him financially and he got into debt and did some stupid stuff to blow off steam that wound up with police and SS involvement with his older kids and I know he is worried about relapses etc

I know he is just venting his frustration and worry but it makes me feel awful!!

Yeah we get cb, but 20 a week only just covers the basics of nappies and wipes and milk so doesn't do a lot to help really!

That is shitty :( I think you need ti sit down when baby is asleep and work out a budget and your weekly 'spends' etc. You shouldn't be going without, even if you just have a tenner each a wedk you can savr it for new jeans/tops/ haircut etc.
Would you get working tax credits if you did work? Is there any work you think you would be able to do?

Harriet the budget is fine! We cam more than cope onnhis wages, it's the extra money he is stressing about but he has spent it on sheds etc. When I pointed out this morning what Henham spent it on he seemed to feel better I think he had just lost track and panicked in a knee jerk reaction way. He is also owed about a grand for some work he did for a friend and 2 grand back in fees from the bank that Henham forgotten about.

Like I say he is venting butbit makes me feel shit

And no, we get nothing regardless of me working or not! The poxy tax credits rake no account of the fact his exw gets £400 a month out of him which is significantly more thannthe csa say he should pay but quite rightly he wants to make sure his kids don't go without

"I know he doesn't mean to make me feel shit and like a complete failure and is just venting, but I feel awful."

He didn't make you feel like that. Be careful to sort through what is him (saying xyz) and what is you (reactions).

I think he is trying to tell you he is concerned about money and you need to sit down and talk through things together.

HE has spent the money on stuff other than it was intended for (ie your new

Sorry posted to soon)

Your new house) so have you asked him why he is ranting at you?

Cat ti be fair it was part of the "plan" that the money would cover these things! That's why I don't understand. The shed admittedly did cost more than was budgeted for by nearly double but it was needed for the new house and at the end of the day it is his money (proceeds from house with ex and I have put nothing into new one as I am still tied to house with my ex years after we split)

He has come in after a 12 hour night shift and has had some significant stress st work last night so I know he is just venting and it's not aimed at me but doesn't help how I feel!!

Ok I think you need to sit down with him again - it isn't acceptable that you have absolutely no money and he is blowing hundreds of pounds.
Can you agree how much you can both have for spending money each month? It's nice that you are sympathetic with his reasoning but his past demons are making your Loire difficult and making you miserable.
Please don't let this situation continue.

Your life, not the Loire

Sorry but when I read this I thought it was awful. You have no clothes and are trying to be extra careful and he has bought a shed and shelves? I am sure these are needed but my husband would be mortified if I felt I could not have some basic clothes!

I understand he maybe just venting. Definitely need to sit down and talk about this.

I think part of it is my pride. I have never relied on anyone and always paid my debts. My credit cards are maxed due to my idiot exh not paying bills on the house. And me having to pick up the tab when all my wages already went on my half of the mortgage etx so the shortfall went on cards which my now dp has agreed to pay once my maternity pay runs out. Feel guilt asking for more.

I know if I asked he would buy me stuff or give me his card to do it but prose won't let me.

He did say he would give me money every month so I had some to dp with what I want but that has never been discussed further after I said I didn't feel comfy doing that and would rather we transfer my bills to his account so he can see what is being spent.

Like I say the day to day living off his salary is fine he has just lost track of the extras and panicked

Have you applied for DLA .?

You need to keep applying
Make sure your GP knows how bad you are.

You are providing him with free childcare. Don't feel bloody guilty asking him for money!

And he gets an all singing all dancing she's and you can't afford clothes? He is being financially abusive, even if he doesn't intend to be, he is.

Think of it this way, if he was a SAHD, would you be treating him the way he is treating you?

Long - no as both gp and consultant have said I don't meet the criteria. They do know how bad I am but there is nothing they can do

Socks - no but then he would ask I guess. He does offer but I keep saying no its fine

I'm similar to you re pride at the beginning of this year I had 2 jobs and now I have neither. It's taken a few months of saying no to the husbands (or ours as he keeps saying) money, me saying i was fine but letting him take on bills I could no longer pay and him not pushing the issue until I came round to things in my own time.

You can't do things with no money.. have a conversation with your bloke, I'll bet you'll feel a lot better afterwards.

If you're living together and having a child together then you need to stop thinking in terms of "his" money and "your" money, you have family money. It doesn't matter where it came from. Why have "you" paid for all the stuff for the new baby? What's he talking about that "he" will have to pay "your" car costs if/when you return to work?

You need new clothes - that's an essential, and nowhere near as expensive as a shed.

Sit down together and go through the money you have and the expenses you have to cover and then agree not to spend any money on non essentials - that includes lunches at work etc, cut costs wherever you can and budget for essentials. What counts as an essential depends on your budget! Shelving, work bench, shed, not essential (probably). Car repairs, if they are things which were making the car unsafe or more expensive to run then yes, essential. New clothes are essential.

I agree with the above.

Your problem is expectation (lack of towards the father if your baby, the reason why you cannot work) and perception (what life is like for those who desperately need tax credits).

You want benefits so your DP can have over 5k in savings and so he can spend more on a shed than some do on their much needed car.

My youngest DD has just been awarded PIP (old DLA), she has £2k in back pay, this is a life line, she can buy a laptop that will allow her to not be so isolated and give her Independance.

Her friends (all turned 16) are in a similar position, they will use the money to access leisure, education etc.

I know that you are at a low point, but you want hand outs from tax payers, but not your DP, because you are "independant".

You both need to lower your expectations.

One or two people may do ok, short term who are entitled to benefits, but most don't have the lifestyle that comes close to yours, just taking into account secure decent housing.

Sarinka. - He didn't leave he was kicked out cos exw was shagging about and funnily enough he didn't say "yeah that's fine love"

I don't think it sounds like your DH is doing anything wrong. He's just concerned about money and he has as much right to rant and want emotional support from his spouse as anyone else does. It's not up to him to decide that you aren't allowed to work, but if your wages wouldn't be enough to cover the childcare then it seems a sensible decision for now. Long term, that will obviously have to change.

If he's offering you money for clothes then either take it, or don't complain about it. As the responses on this thread show, it allows people to think he is treating you badly when he's not, and that's not right.

It doesn't sound like there is no possibility of you getting a job. If you could do the job you used to do if it were part time then presumably you would be able to find something else.

"He is also owed about a grand for some work he did for a friend and 2 grand back in fees from the bank that he had forgotten about. "

Unbelievable that you are ranting about tax credits and DLA (now PIP).

"he got into debt and did some stupid stuff to blow off steam that wound up with police and SS involvement with his older kids"

Focus on what the real issues are. Has he always been an entitled selfish idiot?

So SS and the police got involved because his ex was "shagging about", stop making excuses for his behaviour.