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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think maybe I could have gone to watch the football too?

66 replies

underthewestway · 27/04/2014 15:41

I am on holiday in Koh Samui with my boyfriend. We've been together a year but this is our first long holiday together. We are staying at a lovely resort on a beach and have been here 4 days. Every night, we have gone for a few drinks and I have left him out to watch sport and come back alone. That's okay: he is pretty much a sports addict.

But this morning, at breakfast, he asked me if I could 'let him off the leash' for this evening to watch the Liverpool v Chelsea game and the rugby later by himself. I was upset but said that was fine. The result of which is I am sinking mojitos by myself at the beach bar and genuinely wondering if it is unreasonable for me to be upset by this?

OP posts:

Original poster

underthewestway · 27/04/2014 19:28

Yep, he does drink a lot but never seems drunk. He's back now and has asked if I'm going to be annoyed in the morning and if he's 'allowed' to have a cuddle. I feel horrible.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 27/04/2014 20:04

YANBU - and that's from someone who enjoys watching football and understands the importance on not missing a "big" sporting occasion.
However when you are on holiday, as a couple, then the 'norm' would be for you to spend that time together. If you were away for a fortnight and there was a particular match that were important to him, then fair enough to go and watch that one match, but to go off to watch TV every night, leaving you alone would not be acceptable to anyone, I don't think.
I'd try and discuss it while you are there and he has a chance to redeem himself, but if he can't see that's unacceptable, then you need to wonder if he is actually a 'keeper' IMVHO.

pluCaChange · 27/04/2014 20:19

He sounds boring and self-centred, and now he wants to know if he's going to get a shag tomorrow morning, having done nothing to get you in the mood, and, in fact, loads of things for himself which left you out. And also trying to use guilt to stop you from even trying to redress the balance!

Dump him.

StandsOnGoldenSands · 27/04/2014 20:21

What does he do for you on this holiday, OP? What compromises does he make? Because you are compromising left, right and centre, and it doesn't sound as though he even recognises that.

harriet247 · 27/04/2014 20:29

Not to be rude at all op but I wonder if he is making the most of the squillions of lap dancing bars etc in koh samui?

Kundry · 27/04/2014 20:31

This is not how I would be picturing my first proper holiday with a new partner, especially somewhere as lovely sounding as Koh Samui.

'Off the leash' 'allowed a cuddle' - these are pretty depressing phrases for what he sees as your mutual roles in the relationship. He doesn't want to spend time with you unless it there's sexual contact.

Why shouldn't you be annoyed in the morning? You've gone all the way to Thailand in order for him to do things he could have done at home with a Sky sports subscription.

Does he have other redeeming features? Do you think he's amenable to change? Otherwise it would seem you would have better holidays single.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/04/2014 22:37

Allowed a cuddle? Are you his mother? That implication and its juxtaposition with the implications of 'cuddle' in a grown up relationship would repel me I'm afraid.

He wants you to be the mother / authority figure he can rely upon (take for granted) but rebel against and resent. Unlike a family member, you are under no obligation to stick around if you're not having fun.

The question is, how is he going to make you feel like you want a cuddle? Wooing is called for!

I wonder if, if you came up with your own rather good plan for a day and evening out, so he'd be free to do his thing without feeling he's imposing of course, it might suddenly dawn on him that you have interests too and freedom to act independently of him - in fact you may even quite enjoy yourself, with other people.

I doubt he really considers you a complete and independent person who is interested in and interesting to other people. He's just created some 'her indoors / she who must be obeyed' stereotype from days of yore and a mixed up idea of male / female relations.

OnlyLovers · 28/04/2014 11:00

lottie, that whole post is bang on the money. Bravo.

stopfuckingspraying · 28/04/2014 13:37

I've been dating my gf for a year. Regardless of how into sport I was, there is no way in hells kitchen I would leave her alone to go and watch a match. I would ignore the sports all together.

He shouldn't see himself as being on the leash

stopfuckingspraying · 28/04/2014 13:39

who paid for the holiday?

Zucker · 28/04/2014 13:46

First holiday away together and he's off every night watching the sport! He's got you in a role of the ball and chain, some women might find that wonderful that he sees you as a her indoors figure.

Get rid now if this is not how you see your future. Her indoors who has to allow or disallow his mad bloke sporty nights out with the lads.

WhateverLover · 28/04/2014 13:51

This sounds exactly like what my DP did apart from the fact that we're not on holiday...

He asked me during the week if he could have the Sunday off to watch the Liverpool v Chelsea game. I said "off from what" and he said from "boyfriend duties". As it turned out I went with him but got bored halfway through so went home and watching Britains got Talent which suited me fine.

I would definitely be upset if this had taken place after spending a lot of money to go on a lovely holiday. YANBU

JonesRipley · 28/04/2014 18:11

Someone who drinks a lot but does not seem drunk has a tolerance to alcohol which suggests he might have a drink problem

JonesRipley · 28/04/2014 18:12

And UGH

Someone who doesn't take responsibilities for his own decision but relies on you to police him, so he can then rebel against that -- is immature

DoJo · 28/04/2014 20:31

So he got his own way, you spent a night alone and now he's trying to make you feel as though you have done something wrong by being a bit miffed that he doesn't want to spend time with you.

It sounds to me like you would be better off organising your own holiday and not factoring him in. He seems to expect you to disappear when it suits him and then reappear with cuddles when he's had enough of being 'off the leash'. Is that what you want out of a relationship? Because I am sure you could be with someone who made you feel valued and wanted to spend time with you if you weren't wasting your time with this asshat!

Muffliato · 28/04/2014 20:57

Yanbu. I second the suggestions of going out.
What's the point of spending loads of money going to what sounds like a lovely location and buggering off to watch sports on your own. He might as well have stayed home.

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