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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to think maybe I could have gone to watch the football too?

66 replies

underthewestway · 27/04/2014 15:41

I am on holiday in Koh Samui with my boyfriend. We've been together a year but this is our first long holiday together. We are staying at a lovely resort on a beach and have been here 4 days. Every night, we have gone for a few drinks and I have left him out to watch sport and come back alone. That's okay: he is pretty much a sports addict.

But this morning, at breakfast, he asked me if I could 'let him off the leash' for this evening to watch the Liverpool v Chelsea game and the rugby later by himself. I was upset but said that was fine. The result of which is I am sinking mojitos by myself at the beach bar and genuinely wondering if it is unreasonable for me to be upset by this?

OP posts:

flumperoo · 27/04/2014 16:13

Thailand is a great place for meeting other holidayers. Can you go and find a lively bar to get chatting to some people? I've met some really great people whilst travelling in SE Asia, some of it on my own. Many people who are travelling are really open to just chatting to people they don't know and bringing them into their group.

Failing that, get a lovely massage and maybe a pedicure or manicure. There are a million places on Samui to get pampered for peanuts - a great way to pass the time!

flumperoo · 27/04/2014 16:16

I know you're upset that he's choosing to spend his time watching football rather than being with you, but please don't let it spoil your holiday. You're very lucky to be in such a lovely place. Don't waste it!!

Deal with his behaviour and what you want to do about it when you're back home.

AreYouFeelingLucky · 27/04/2014 16:17

I presume he's watching the Liverpool/Chelsea game? That's pretty important in the context of the season. I'd have expected DP to let me watch it, and I don't support dither of the teams involved.

He may also think that he won't be able to watch properly with you around.It's a tense game!

It does suggest, though, that he thinks that this is moving too fast and he's feeling trapped and changed. That's not good, especially so early on, and while you think that you are giving him so much freedom. You need to see if your expectations match up or if you'll always be feeling neglected and second best.

JeanSeberg · 27/04/2014 16:18

Look at it as a lucky escape and bin him. Then go and do a bit of Island hopping on your own. Another 10 nights of this? Fuck that. He'd have been better off going to magaluf if all he wants to do is drink and watch the match.

Davsmum · 27/04/2014 16:20

Surely you don't go on holiday to do what you do at home?? Your BF could make the effort to do something other than watching sports every evening! One evening would be ok to be left to watch sports but not every night!
My partner and I watched a football game one afternoon on our holiday - we both enjoyed it, but I would have been a bit pissed off if he expected to watch something every day.

You should not have said it was fine, when you clearly did not think it was - but his phrase of 'letting him off the leash' was manipulation - trying to make you feel you do something 'wrong' in order to get hos own way.

Neither of you seem to be able to be straight with each other,...That is the worrying thing!

WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2014 16:24

Do what Flumperoo suggests, go out, get chatting to people, make arrangements to meet up with them. Book some trips.

Then when your boyfriend deigns to spend some time with you, tell him you've already got plans and want to be let off the leash for good.

CrispyFern · 27/04/2014 16:25

Er, why go on holiday with someone if you just want to escape them every evening?
It sounds mad! You are left sitting alone? Sod that.

Yanbu at all. If it is such hard work being with you I think you ought to set him free from his leash permanently.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/04/2014 16:25

He doesn't sound very nice. When DH and I are on holiday he will insist on finding somewhere to watch the liverpool game (or England). I will go with him and watch. Even if it means sitting inside a sweaty Irish bar while in the middle of Sorrento on our last kid-free holiday. (Actually wasn't as bad as it sounds as the atmosphere was great fun and the pub owner was a great help finding chairs for everyone and bring plates of drinks round, plus free snacks).

BUT while he may have an interest in the outcome of another team's game ("can I just dive in here for a sec to see the score on the telly?") there is no way he would be selfish enough to insist we watch every single game of other teams.

That's not, like, really normal on a holiday, is it, unless you have no consideration for others?

Original poster

underthewestway · 27/04/2014 16:33

He said to me himself, yesterday, when we were talking about going on a trip, 'I'm really selfish, aren't I?' when I said we would be back in time for the sport.

I suppose I have been loath to break things off with someone who does seem to care for me, but maybe I need to face to reality.

OP posts:

Itsfab · 27/04/2014 16:39

Why would the death of his mother make him act like an arse?

WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2014 16:42

When someone tells you what they're like, listen to them.

So he knows he's really selfish. He acknowledges it. But he isn't going to change it. That's what he's telling you.

JockTamsonsBairns · 27/04/2014 16:42

When DH and I go on holiday, we generally do our own thing during the day - purely because we like different things. I like sauntering up cobbled streets, having a nosey around markets, sitting in pavement cafes watching the world go by. He wouldn't get any enjoyment from that sort of thing, preferring to get right off the beaten track exploring mines, castles, ruins etc. We're both totally happy with that arrangement, it suits us both. We meet up late afternoon-ish back at the accommodation, to change and for drinks then eat together in the evening and chat about our day.

In your situation, I'm not sure I'd be terribly keen on spending the evenings myself while DH stayed out later watching sport though. It seems different in the evening, although I'm not sure why. I guess I'd be fine if it was an important, one off match - say the Champions League Final or something, but not just general stuff.

DH and I are both massive football fans, so both get the excitement and desire to watch important matches. Mind you, we're Man Utd and Glasgow Rangers fans respectively - so not much doing for either of us in the way of important matches at the moment!

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/04/2014 16:55

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to spend time with the person you're on holiday with.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/04/2014 17:01

OP, take this holiday as a heads-up. Your boyfriend is inflexible and unlikely to change.

"I suppose I have been loath to break things off with someone who does seem to care for me, but maybe I need to face to reality."
Does this mean that you have been considering breaking things off? Do these considerations predate the holiday?

Original poster

underthewestway · 27/04/2014 17:11

Yes, I have. We're both 36 and I would like to settle down. Both BF and I come from what you might called troubled backgrounds, so in some ways I maybe empathise with him to an extent which makes it hard for me to see the wood from the trees, if that makes sense?

So when he says he needs time on his own I'm sympathetic to it, because I often feel like that myself, but not to the extent of spending a holiday in my own.

OP posts:

underthewestway · 27/04/2014 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Davsmum · 27/04/2014 17:22

Errrmm,... I think I would run away now... Two people with a troubled background sounds like a recipe for disaster....

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/04/2014 18:37

He tells you he is selfish and he sounds like a misogynist. RUN.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 27/04/2014 18:38

I wouldn't be upset if my partner fancied doing something by himself - even on holiday - but I'd be very upset to find that he thought time spent with me was "being on the leash", that's awful

subtleplansarehereagain · 27/04/2014 18:46

"Off the leash" is horrid.

lottiegarbanzo · 27/04/2014 18:54

I'm sorry it sounds like a pretty shit holiday. Evenings on holiday with your BF, especially your newish, still excited and besotted BF, are about having fun and getting cozy together.

Sounds like he'd have been happier on a lads' holiday and regards being with you as dull and a duty. He's not even bothered about sex with you (or maybe that's in the morning?) which is pretty damning at this stage in the relationship.

So yes, get out, have fun and maybe you'll meet someone better, who values and likes you!

lottiegarbanzo · 27/04/2014 18:56

And you don't owe him care and support because of his background, you're not his therapist. You owe yourself a bit of thinking about what he offers you that's so great. What do you look forward to about being with him in future? What would you miss?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 27/04/2014 18:57

He's a sports addict. This is what it really means. I was married to one, it's a nightmare unless you are a sports addict too.

JonesRipley · 27/04/2014 19:13

Men who say "let you/her off the leash" are a teeny bit misogynistic IMO

i can't believe he is 36.

Lilaclily · 27/04/2014 19:17

Does he excessively drink every night whilst watching the sport op?

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