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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh is using his ill father as an excuse to have a weekend 'off'?

35 replies

lecce · 27/04/2014 13:55

Dh's df has been ill for a while with one or two different, unrelated conditions. The main problem has been pain endured while waiting for operations - the conditions themselves are not particularly serious. We live about a 90min drive from dfil. Dh's sister and a couple of other family members live in the same city as dfil and have been helping him out, though dsil, the closest relative, is severely disabled, so it has been difficult for her.

Dh visited a few weeks ago and again during the Easter holidays (took our dc that time). This week he told me he'd be going again this weekend as dsil was having to do it all and it was tiring her out. I said and meant, "Fine". I work f/t and have to work at weekends at home too (teacher) and dh is a sahd. He has been gone since I got home on Friday (I left work earlier than I really wanted to so he could get off) and, when I called him earlier, says he is probably going out with a friend tonight and will go straight there from his df's, meaning that the dc and I won't see him at all.

The thing that makes me think this is taking the piss is that just before he left on Fri he found out his df had finally been admitted to hospital and will have the operation he has been waiting for on Monday. Great news and begs the question why did dh need to be there every second of this weekend. I haven't stopped all weekends: party for one-child, playdate, dog-walking, stuff to sort for school project for ds2, my own planning and marking (can mostly be put off, but will make next week hard). To top it all, dh left the kitchen a shit-hole (though generally he does the majority of the home stuff, so not sure why he left his shit for me to clean up this time.)

AiBU to think he should have come back yesterday afternoon or this morning?

OP posts:

parakeet · 27/04/2014 14:46

Well, people in hospital (especially elderly people, in my experience) can need a fair bit of support from relatives to make them more comfortable, such as collecting pajamas, buying them reading material, help with meals, etc. However I agree he did not need to be there the whole weekend.

In difficult circumstances, though, sometimes you have drop lesser commitments, like playdates and school projects (unless it was for an exam).

HicDraconis · 27/04/2014 15:05

Maybe he has read threads on here where sahp are advised to go away for a weekend and leave the ft wohp to do it all! Is he feeling that what he does in the week is unappreciated? He has to do all that stuff day in day out (play dates, dog walking, house stuff), and you think he should have come back early to give you a hand after having to do it for 2 days?

YANBU to think he may have taken the opportunity to spend the weekend with his df as a chance to get some time off. But he is definitely nbu to have done so.

Plus, he may have wanted to spend time with his DF prior to surgery on Monday. I'd want to if it were my dad. Not be there because I had to help, but be there because I wanted to see my father and spend time with him.

Topaz25 · 27/04/2014 15:06

You really wonder why he has to be there all weekend when his father is having an operation on Monday? Even the smallest surgeries carry an element of risk, it's understandable that he would want to spend time with his father before the operation and also make sure he is comfortable. Since you say he is normally helpful around the house maybe cut him some slack.

ilovesooty · 27/04/2014 15:09

It's hardly "having a weekend off" If he's been supporting his dad for most of it. I don't think saying he's using his dad's illness as an excuse sounds very pleasant.

If he's doing a f/t role normally as a SAHP I don't think it's unreasonable of him to have a night out with friends under the circumstances.

OwlCapone · 27/04/2014 15:12

Really? TBH, it sounds like you are stamping your feet in a not very pleasant manner.

Misfitless · 27/04/2014 15:26

I understand how you feel. I think he is having a bit of time 'off' but I don't blame him for it, I'd do the same.

It's probably important for him and his sister and Df to feel that he's doing his bit and is there to offer support them, especially to give his sister a break.

My DH is going away not next weekend, the weekend after, and is not even pretending that it's anything other than a jolly weekend of seeing old friends and dossing about worrying about no one but himself. I don't mind, I'll be getting a weekend off at some point in the next few months I'll make sure of it!

Hope the operation goes to plan and that he makes a speedy recovery.

dublindee · 27/04/2014 15:28

I have enormous respect for teachers and the amount of work they do. I understand how much ooh work your job involves and that it can be very draining and demanding.

That said, I was a SAHM for 2 years and I CONSTANTLY had stuff to do. The fairytale of coffee-mornings and toddler groups and leisurely park visits never materialised for me!!
To have a few days to meet up with friends and spend time with family away from children is rare bliss when it happens, but I HONESTLY don't think that's the case here.

Your DH is worried about his DF. The fact he is with his dad pre-op is an inconvenience and annoyance for you and I don't doubt you've not had it easy. BUT, it's INVALUABLE to both your DFIL and DH in terms of quality time spent together. You can't put a price on that - trust me. My own lovely Da will be gone 6 years in June and I miss him every day.

Please feel free to grumble on here (that's partly what MN is for after all ;) ) but equally. PLEASE don't begrudge your husband precious time with his dad. Any surgery can carry risks and I think it's lovely your DH has stayed and mad sure your DFIL wasn't stressing out mulling things over in hospital by himself. It shows he's a caring man who puts family first. A good egg if you ask me!

ICanSeeTheSun · 27/04/2014 15:29

I have been in pain all weekend, DH has done every thing in the house and with the kids.

I would hate him thinking that I was pulling a fast one.

EurotrashGirl · 27/04/2014 15:35

YABVU. Having a family member looking out for you in the hospital increases your chances of survival.

trixymalixy · 27/04/2014 15:38

Seriously, you'd begrudge him going to spend time with his DF before an operation?

constantstress · 27/04/2014 16:15

Its not a weekend 'off' and you are not a pleasant human being if you are seriously pissed off with him spending his time with his dad before and op. Awful.

popcornpaws · 27/04/2014 16:25

I can't believe what I'm reading, YABVU.
Its not all about you, although you seem to think it is, your husband is probably stressed and worried about his fathers surgery etc and I'm sure your fil is happy to have him there. You sound just plain selfish.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 27/04/2014 16:26

I think yabu and a bit mean tbh. BUT - I'd personally be pissed off at him going out with a friend tonight, rather than coming home.

PrincessBabyCat · 27/04/2014 16:28

You never know when something can take a turn for the worse. My MIL went to the hospital with a broken ankle, and they found out she had pneumonia and she died a few weeks later. Let him have his time with his father.

Original poster

lecce · 27/04/2014 16:33

Ok well I suppose I am BU, and I kind of knew it. I'm just so tired and it seems a bit much that he be gone every second of the weekend, from first thing Friday evening - last thing Sunday night.

And I know being a SAHP isn't a relaxing round of lie-ins and coffee mornings, but, tbf, both dc are now at school and there is no doubt that dh has far, far more free-time than I do. That is because of my job, not because he is lazy (he isn't), but the idea that he would need to go away to let me see what 'it's like' is laughable. I have always taken a leading role with the dc at weekends as I never wanted to feel like the 'secondary' parent. I also do a fair bit of housework and have always taken charge of school projects, shopping for dc's friends birthdays and stuff like that (controlling - my fault, not his, I know).

Dh, now that the dc are at school, does housework (varying amounts weekly, but always all laundry, cooking and washing-up), dog-walking, and is now writing a book.

Anyway, I know it's commendable that he's gone to see his df and help his dsis, I'm just a bit fed-up with the whole grind of everything.

OP posts:

shewhowines · 27/04/2014 16:33

Do you both get a chance to have an occasional weekend off? If not then discuss this. I cherish my weekends with "the girls " and can't imagine life without this "time off".
Maybe he is using it as an excuse, maybe he isn't, but I don't think he has done anything wrong. It would have been nice for him to see you tonight though. Can't he reschedule with his friend?

Original poster

lecce · 27/04/2014 16:35

friends'

OP posts:

shewhowines · 27/04/2014 16:36

Your turn soon for a weekend away then. You should both willingly let each other have some time off.

Maybe83 · 27/04/2014 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

startwig1982 · 27/04/2014 16:38

You sound a little harsh. I'm a teacher too, and I understand the workload but surely the health of his dad comes first?

Itsfab · 27/04/2014 16:50

If he was away every weekend doing whatever then yes, entitled to be annoyed but his FATHER is about to have an operation and he probably hasn't seen this friend for a while. Stop being so unreasonable and be happy your husband is having a nice evening with a friend after probably a worrying time regarding his father.

WooWooOwl · 27/04/2014 16:50

Yabu. You get to have a weekend off as well.

I totally get that he will have more free time if the dc are at school so being a SAHP is probably quite easy for him, but it's not like he can go for a night out with a friend while the kids are at school, is it?

Original poster

lecce · 27/04/2014 17:20

Seriously pissed off now. Have had to try and tackle the kitchen after trying to ignore it all weekend. The hob hasn't been wiped all week, the floor hasn't been done all week, the worktop next to the bread machine hasn't been wiped all week (spilt damp flour forming a cement-like paste)... Having tried to sort it, I find the kitchen spray empty. He does the shopping - but why think about buying that if you never use it? I gave the kitchen 3 'big cleans' while I was off for Easter. now my first weekend and I end up doing the same again.

I phoned him to see if he knew what he is doing tonight yet and he hasn't heard from his friend again so his night out may be off. He sounded pissed off (sounded happy earlier when he thought he was going out). Now, if he does spend the evening here, I feel like I will end up moaning about the state of the kitchen, and that would be bad, wouldn't it? Yet I am so fed up of doing this...

OP posts:

trixymalixy · 27/04/2014 17:25

Why are you tackling the kitchen? It sounds like you're doing it so you have something else to have a go at him about.

Wipe the work surface and leave the rest for your DH to do while the kids are at school tomorrow.

harriet247 · 27/04/2014 17:26

You both sound knackered. Do what desperately nees to be done, run the bath, have glass of wine.order chinese.

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