To think dh is using his ill father as an excuse to have a weekend 'off'?

[lecce]

Dh's df has been ill for a while with one or two different, unrelated conditions. The main problem has been pain endured while waiting for operations - the conditions themselves are not particularly serious. We live about a 90min drive from dfil. Dh's sister and a couple of other family members live in the same city as dfil and have been helping him out, though dsil, the closest relative, is severely disabled, so it has been difficult for her.

Dh visited a few weeks ago and again during the Easter holidays (took our dc that time). This week he told me he'd be going again this weekend as dsil was having to do it all and it was tiring her out. I said and meant, "Fine". I work f/t and have to work at weekends at home too (teacher) and dh is a sahd. He has been gone since I got home on Friday (I left work earlier than I really wanted to so he could get off) and, when I called him earlier, says he is probably going out with a friend tonight and will go straight there from his df's, meaning that the dc and I won't see him at all.

The thing that makes me think this is taking the piss is that just before he left on Fri he found out his df had finally been admitted to hospital and will have the operation he has been waiting for on Monday. Great news and begs the question why did dh need to be there every second of this weekend. I haven't stopped all weekends: party for one-child, playdate, dog-walking, stuff to sort for school project for ds2, my own planning and marking (can mostly be put off, but will make next week hard). To top it all, dh left the kitchen a shit-hole (though generally he does the majority of the home stuff, so not sure why he left his shit for me to clean up this time.)

AiBU to think he should have come back yesterday afternoon or this morning?

So are you now saying he never cleans the kitchen?
Haven't you been in the kitchen all week or do you leave it all to him to do as it is his job?

Yes it would be bad to moan about the state of the kitchen.

Cleopatra boudicca

You are looking for things to be angry about now.

Don't waste your one evening together moaning about the kitchen. Get a bottle of wine and a takeaway and give each other some emotional support - you sound like you both need it.

So are you now saying he never cleans the kitchen?
Haven't you been in the kitchen all week or do you leave it all to him to do as it is his job?
The schools have only been back a week. The OP did three big cleans of the kitchen during the holiday.
So it does sound as if it hasn't been touched and I can see why she's fed up.

Last contribution was from ds2, sorry .

Exactly, NannyOgg. He does all the day-to-day stuff, yes, but, why shouldn't he? And when would I do it? At 9pm, after working all evening while he sits and reads/watched tv? He could do more in the daytime and still have loads more free time than I do. He is pretty good, tbf, but every now and then things slip, and I get fed up. We row, then he backs down, says sorry and improves for a while, and then it starts again. This is the first year that both dc are in school and I think we are both struggling to adjust to what it is fair to expect. I had very few issues while he was at home with one or two dc as I knew he was focusing on them and he did do a great job.

He has phoned again and the night out is on, so no evening of rowing. He will be back about 11pm, and I will probably feign sleep, otherwise it will probably be quite an unpleasant end to the weekend .

Just deleted my post as I knew the responses I would get.

No one is saying you should do stuff at 9pm but equally he shouldn't do everything just because his job is to stay at home. When DH and I are both at home we just do what needs doing. We kind of have jobs in that he mows the lawn and I take the kids for shoes to the dentist but we have done the opposite in the past. Nothing is set in stone and if he comes home and the kitchen is a mess because I decided to go shopping or didn't get round to it as did something else in the house he would just do it. There wouldn't be any moaning about it.

Well, that's pretty much what we do, Itsfab, but, regardless of who works and where they work, I don't think it fair for one person to go off for the weekend leaving the other person, who had left the house at 5.30am, to wash up their breakfast and lunch plates, and a week's worth of grime and grease from the floor and cooker. Before he left on Friday, I asked, as I always do (in a pleasant conversational tone) "how was your day/what did you do?" etc, and he replied, "Fine, didn't do much, did some writing." I find it disrespectful. He wasn't stressed/rushing to go, he just left it for me to do.

I am boiling over here.

TBH I don't think this is about the weekend with your FIL, which does make you sound a bit mean and unreasonable, but about the work/childcare/housework situation overall.

I think YANBU at all to have expected him to not leave the kitchen in a state before going away, when he was doing very little all day. And I am saying this an an admittedly fairly housework-shy SAHM. I have two DC at home but still keep up a reasonable standard of cleanliness. DH does quite a lot of housework when he is around too, but basic day to day stuff like wiping the surfaces falls mainly to me, because I am here more.

Being honest, are you happy bring the only breadwinner? Is your situation mutually satisfactory? It doesn't sound fair that you're working so hard and having to take on most of the cleaning, if I've got that right?

Get a cleaner. Even an hour a week.

I think YABU to not cut him some slack when his father is ill.