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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dh ex wanting to bond with dd is a bit weird...?

44 replies

K8eee · 27/04/2014 11:56

I had my first baby just over 3 weeks ago. my hormones are still up and down, I'm blubbing like a baby one minute and laughing the next. dh has been really good and supportive when he can.

anyway, last weekend dh ex drove dss here for the week. things have always been up and down between dh and his ex, but since dd has been born she's been adamant that she forms a bond with her. I have a half sister myself, and I can count on two hands the amount of times I have seen or spoken to her mum. I haven't got a bond with her mum but get along with her as I have to. am I the only one who finds it odd that dh ex wants to form a relationship with dd and be treated as a step mum?

OP posts:
Hassled · 27/04/2014 11:58

Not odd that she wants a relationship with her - she's her DS's half-sister and will be a big part of her son's life. Natural that she'd want to get to know her a bit. But the being treated as a step-mum bit is pretty weird, I have to say.

Busymumto3dc · 27/04/2014 11:59

I do find this a bit odd

How long has she been separated from your oh?

I remember when I was growing up some confusion as my younger half sister got it in her head that I had two dads and so did she. She did get her head around this eventually

RevoltingPeasant · 27/04/2014 12:00

So wait, she is the mum of your husband's other son?

Then no, I don't think it is weird. It would be odd if she wanted dd alone or something, but just to get to know her, no.

Presumably she will be part of your and DH lives for some time due to DSS. And who knows, she may be a babysitter or useful contact in future when DD is older.

She is DD's brother's mum so it would be helpful if DD got on with her. Sounds like she is just trying to be positive and supportive.

QuickNM · 27/04/2014 12:00

Hmm. Tricky one.
And hard to tell considering we don't know her or how she has been in the past.

Just form what you have said, I would say it is a good thing and fairly understandable - if my son had a brother/sister I would feel sad if I didn't know them properly I think.

It sounds positive and it is better IMO than a family who do not speak to each other or do not get on

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 27/04/2014 12:04

She's trying to muscle in and keep a foothold.

At three weeks, no-she doesn't need to be there, and shouldn't unless you actively want her to. It isn't appropriate.

myroomisatip · 27/04/2014 12:07

I agree that it is totally inappropriate, your daughter is just 3 weeks old?

No way!

Maybe when she is three or older!

Your DSS is the one who will want to get to know your daughter but right now it is very early days.

MinesaMess · 27/04/2014 12:09

'it would be helpful if the dd got on with her'. Yes maybe in the future but the dd is 3 weeks old not 3 years old. Am sure OP and her DP are concentrating on bonding with their tiny baby right now. Obviously dss needs to spend time with his sibling, getting to know her but his mother not so much. I'd find it weird too OP.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 12:11

perhaps she is a bit concerned that her own son will be pushed out in the wake of new baby ?

in the absence of any other weird behaviour, I would cut her some slack on this

EverythingIsAwesome · 27/04/2014 12:13

Weird. My ex has a new son, I have never even met him, probably never will yet he is my DDs little brother. There is no need for me to have a relationship with him.

DeckSwabber · 27/04/2014 12:13

Maybe she's trying to reassure you that she's going to be supportive of her child having a new sibling. Some are not, so be grateful for that.

Maybe she's having trouble coming to terms with her ex- having a new child and is being a bit too keen because she is finding it difficult to regulate her emotions.

I'd say give it time, be gentle with her, and in the meantime establish some boundaries.

MsBumble · 27/04/2014 12:14

I don't know about 'bond', but I suppose it wouldn't be that odd to meet her at some stage...a stage far into the future not anytime soon. It's hardly necessary at 3 weeks old.

I'm all for half-siblings having close relationships, I have 4 and don't really know any of them. That is mainly down to my idiotic father, but I do feel like I've missed out and it upsets me that we are effectively strangers.

I would guess that her interest is probably fueled by nosiness rather than anything else at the moment. So not weird, but inappropriate.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/04/2014 12:14

I think that is really weird.

It's important your DSS has a relationship with his new half sister, I cannot see why his mother needs to have one.

softlysoftly · 27/04/2014 12:16

It's all about context this one. Good ne a positive thing could be odd.

When / how did they split?

How has the relationship been since?

What's the contact with dss like?

Is she generally reasonable or has there been odd behaviour?

How has she asked for this bond? Mentioned in a visit /phone call she would like a bond at some point or stormed in and demanded you hand over a 3 week old for day trips?

softlysoftly · 27/04/2014 12:18

*good ne = could be Angry

VodkaJelly · 27/04/2014 12:20

I think it is weird too. Your DSS needs the relationship not the mother.

My exh has a daughter and i think i have only seen her 3 times (she is 12). I certainly dont need a relationship with her. My DC have a very good relationship with their half sister.

wigglylines · 27/04/2014 12:23

Your baby is 3 weeks old, she should be giving you space not making demands.

I agree with the poster above though, the context is important. From whom did you hear that she wants contact and what exactly was said?

Llareggub · 27/04/2014 12:28

If my exH had a new baby I want want to meet the baby. It would be the half sibling of our sons and we all agree that it's better than everyone gets on well. If it is all amicable between you then why not? Best if it happens when you feel comfortable about it though.

GingerBlondecat · 27/04/2014 12:29

Does she still want your Husband?

What is the background Please

Original poster
K8eee · 27/04/2014 12:34

dh and her have always had a rocky relationship. The reason for the split up was because she was drinking heavily whilst they were together and dh saw a lot of his late mum in her (she died of alcohol poisoning) I've always got on with her for dss sake but really didn't feel comfortable with her in our home last weekend. For a start we had planned a family lunch which got way laid because she stayed longer than we expected. I thought it would be a quick 10 minute visit but it wasn't.

She text dh telling him she wanted to form a bond with her, it feels as though she can't let go of dh. They split up nearly 5 years ago. What also bothered me is that she has posted pictures of dd and dss on facebook. I don't really want my dd plastered on there for her friends to see when I don't know who they are. She was adamant too that she took a picture of dh with dd too which I found a but odd.

also, she lives 4 hours away so it's not as though we'll see her when we're out and about, only when we get dss which is in school holidays.

her behaviour is pretty ridiculous too. She sends dh texts at stupid o clock in the night claiming that he's ignoring him, and the messages aren't important or anything that concerns dss. just digs at him and I. she's now said that she hates me, dh and our new baby. that doesn't bother me at all, but seems pretty pathetic. dh also paid her petrol money on top of maintenance money to bring dss here, and then more to get home so all in all she had £200 maintenance for the month and an extra £100 petrol money. that really bothered me too as we then found out she spent the weekend out with friends Angry

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2014 12:39

I am a Step Mum and have children.

There is no need to meet a new half sibling, seeing pictures, hearing about them is enough. It can help the children process healthy boundaries.

When they are older, if the relationship between the ex is amicable then it would be nice if the ex could drop off the half sibling and contact is then "normal", not forced.

In the future, 16, 18, 21st Birthday parties etc, your paths will cross.

My DH's ex only ever seemed to want to get digs in and remind me that she had done Motherhood, so her very different choices to mine were right and me wanting to BF etc was weird etc.

If this is liable to happen from anyone, you keep them at arms length.

My 1st DD's early months were spoilt, for me, by us trying to be nice and play happy families.

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2014 12:41

X post.

Keep her at arms length and tell her straight when she over steps the line.

chesterberry · 27/04/2014 12:46

Are your DH and his ex fairly amicable? I don't think it is wildly unusual for her to want to get to know her DS's sister, she will be a massive part of his life and it will be positive for him to be able to talk about her with his mum when he is not there. I think it is very positive that she obviously wants to welcome your DD as part of her DS's family.

I do think it is a bit strange if she wants a step-mother relationship, but an aunty or similar relationship seems reasonable, especially if you are all on good terms. As others have said if she has a relationship with your DD then she may be a god babysitting contact or take DD along on trips with your DSS.

Two of my cousins have a younger half-brother (their DF and step-mum's DS). TAs children they lived a long distance away so only got to see each other in school holidays, their mum would invite the half-brother on holidays with them or just to their house for a week and he loved coming along and getting to see the other side to his sibling's life he otherwise would have had no part of. Their mum certainly had her own relationship with him, not as a step-mum but more like an aunt. I think that helped my cousins to have a very good relationship with their half-sibling, who they didn't live with and otherwise wouldn't have seen so often.

chesterberry · 27/04/2014 12:51

Oh, sorry. I hadn't read your more recent post. From what you have said I can see that she is perhaps not the sort of person you would trust to have your DD. Her behaviour does sound erratic and a little odd in that case and as others have said in that case I would try and keep her at arm's length.

If she is not somebody you could trust with your DD then I see no reason to enable her to build a relationship. Hopefully she was just excited at the 'novelty' of a newborn and will not show so much interest in future.

pregnantpause · 27/04/2014 12:59

My sister and brother are half siblings, though I've never thought of them as anything less than my brother and sister. I had a strong relationship with their family, i could pop in for tea if my sister and I were going swimming that evening for instance. Or even to use the toilet on the way home from school. They equally popped to ours as and when. As teens they were at ours when they wanted to be, I would be the ' friend' they took and their family holidays and vice verca. It was very healthy and a good way to grow up, despite being part of a divorced step family. I don't think that it's weird in that sense.

cBUT it doesn't sound like your dh ex wants this kind of bonding, or that she would be mature enough/ safe enough to trust in this way. Her motives don't read as an intent to integrate and support her dss relationship and structure in a step family scenario- it sounds like she's a horrible controlling weirdo. And for all the comfort in my childhood of separate families - we are still close now, I live closest to ds and DBS mum so often shop for her- I'm sure she didn't have a relationship with me as a baby! A child yes, but three weeks?! No.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 13:08

oh well, in the light of more recent post, she is being weird and you need to keep her at arms length

would it have killed you to put that rather pertinent info in your op ?