to think dh ex wanting to bond with dd is a bit weird...?

[K8eee]

I had my first baby just over 3 weeks ago. my hormones are still up and down, I'm blubbing like a baby one minute and laughing the next. dh has been really good and supportive when he can.

anyway, last weekend dh ex drove dss here for the week. things have always been up and down between dh and his ex, but since dd has been born she's been adamant that she forms a bond with her. I have a half sister myself, and I can count on two hands the amount of times I have seen or spoken to her mum. I haven't got a bond with her mum but get along with her as I have to. am I the only one who finds it odd that dh ex wants to form a relationship with dd and be treated as a step mum?

Mega weird, and I wouldn't allow it. She sounds unstable and there's no legitimate reason for her to have any relationship at all with your child, when she won't/can't be pleasant or even civil to you or your DH.

I think its weird. She doesn't need to know your dd never mind form a bond. Your dss needs to form a bond but not your DH ex.

My DH ex has seen our DCs maybe half a dozen times and its only been when she was dropping DSD off or picking her up. She certainly doesn't have a relationship with them and never will.

Fwiw I've only ever seen DH ex other kids that she has with her partner once. I certainly don't have a relationship with then, nor would I expect to.

DH ex has never been in our house either and I've never been in hers (neither has DH since DSD was 2).

I know some blended families all spend time together but I'd hate that, but then DH ex caused a fair bit of trouble when DH and I got engaged and I was having our first dc which does affect my opinion of her.

Slightly odd, but most of us go into a happy trip down memory lane when we see a newborn, and she sounds like someone who is led by feelings. I've been very touched that my exh and his wife and sister have welcomed my littlest into the extended clan and awarded themselves aunty and uncle status.. even having dd to stay when my dd(24) and her fiance were due to have dd(7) to stay for a week in the holidays and due to circs were living at her dad's. Give her the benefit of the doubt, but set some boundaries if you're uncomfortable.

The texts and the claims to hate you all are very weird.

Wanting to know your child's new sibling isn't weird at all. Bonding might be taking it a bit far, but I don't think it's the fact that she wants to know the baby that's the problem here. My dc have a younger sibling who isn't mine, I know I her quiet well, have a few pictures on my phone, my family buy her presents for Christmas and birthdays. It's a nice thing, and if her mum doesn't like it, she's gracious enough to keep it to herself because she knows a friendly and kind relationship between all of us is what's best for all of our children.

Your DHs ex might be feeling upset and worried that her child will be pushed aside now there's a new baby, and it's bound to make her sad that her own child doesn't get to live with both his Mum and Dad but will have a sister who does get that privilege. I'd try and give her a bit of understanding, especially as it sounds like it was your DH that left her and she might have been very hurt by that. Even if she was drinking too much, that could be down to mental illness, so I think she does deserve some respect and understanding.

It's weird. Very important for DSS to bond with baby, absolutely no need whatsoever for ex to.

My DSS was first to meet DD outside of me and DH. His mum never met her until we happened to bump into her in the supermarket, and she hasn't seen her since.

Boundaries needed, particularly given what you've said about her nature, and DH shouldn't be letting anyone push their way in at this stage.

My EX has a daughter with his now wife, I bought a present when she was born, coo'd over her when she was in the car when he collected DS, had little chats with her if/when I saw her as she got older. She knows I'm her big brothers mom but that's about it.
I never felt the need to bond with her??????
Bit weird

So I know a group of couples that have all split up and remarried each other. Bit bizarre but they are happy. Their kids seem to be brought up pretty much with a group of parents. The kids have a few 'step-Mums' (and Dad's) that they refer to but are clear who their actual parents are. They do things like go on holiday with the other family (so a daughter would go away with Dad's ex wife and her new husband along with their children some of whom aren't their biological relations in anyway). It works for this random combination of people but it's highly unusual!

She is too attached to your DH and sounds like she isn't coping well with him having a new baby. For the sake of DsS I would say politely decline any contact and keep an eye on her!

From your recent post ya but it sounds a little odd.

On the other hand you begrudge her going out?? He's giving her £50ish a week to maintain his child FFS she owes you no explanations. That's barely enough to cover food!

Bond, she does not need to bond but for here to know your child and understand the relationship is nice.

I come from a slightly strange angle but years ago my uncle died young, he had a daughter from a previous marriage all the contact was tightly controlled by exw, who refused to allow him to take his daughter to his new home, meet his step children, then her baby brother, my uncle respected this so my Aunt never meet the exw or daughter.

My aunts exh, the children where old enough to be depend off out side my exu's house (he didn't drive) so he
Never saw my cousin.

Fast forward 2 years after my cousin birth Dad dies, my Aunt has no contact with ex, so does not know how to contact her, police where very helpful, but my cousin at 20 has never meet his sister.

My exu same time finally meets his children brother my uncle died away from home so aunt had to travel to identify his body, I was looking after cousin exh had done what he should and taken his 2, but round another aunts house, he suddenly said "I never thought of them as brothers and sisters before" whilst he watched them playing...
He has become a big part of my cousins life since, not taking him every weekend he had his 2 but when he was doing something he thought my cousin would enjoy.

Did she actually use the word bond?

yep she used the word bond and 'form a relationship'

softlysoftly no I didn't say anything about me begrudging that she goes out, she wanted petrol money from dh for the trip, I didn't realise that a 1.2 litre car took £100 to do a 480 mile round trip when I can do it in my own 1.2 litre car on £60.

If she wasn't so nasty about dh, me and dhs family oh and being nice when she wants something I wouldn't have a problem with socialising with her. at dss birthday party last year her family kicked off at dh and I all because they had been drinking. We felt so awkward and uncomfortable.

I'm glad I'm getting the reassurance that it's still early days and I should be bonding with my baby. she's my first and i'm still learning the ropes

The I would tell her to fuck off. To your baby she is nothing

There is nothing to get to know at 3 weeks old apart from to satisfy her curiosity.

Fine she can meet the kid in a casual way when dropping off her son - but relationship of more than a polite few moments, no.

I have two sons. They have a half sister on their dads side. I have formed a "bond" with her. I met her with my sons at a couple of weeks old, held her, bought her gifts, went to her christening. I have babysat her and had her here overnight. Im like an Auntie I guess. Exh and I split up five years ago, I have no feelings like that towards him. Part of it all is yes, in the beginning to ensure my sons didnt feel pushed out. Now its lovely to be a part of my childrens siblings life. I see them at drop offs anyway, we can be civil and have a cup of tea together. Granted I dont text at three am weird messages like your partners ex wife, but the being part of your daughters life doesn't have to indicate a control issue or a problem.

There is no need for her to have a bond or any kind of relationship with your child if you don't feel there's a need.

I have a friend who's in a 50/50 shared arrangement with her stepchildren and what has developed is that the ex sometimes has her children too as they are all very close. - I would say this is a very unusual case though and only works because everyone gets along and is truly happy with it that way.