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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want a drunk stag in my home?

30 replies

Atbeckandcall · 27/04/2014 10:33

This is slightly weird and long so do forgive me and thanks in advance for reading.
My DH is best man to his best friend, let's call him Trevor. Trevor's df and my parents are having legal issues which has all become very nasty from their side. Even Trevor agrees with this btw.
So it's was Trevor's stag do yesterday and they all had a jolly time in the daytime. DH and Trev came back to our home (my dm had dd as I was going to sit round Trev's fiancées house and drink wine).
The boys went out and met up with everyone else.
Trev got really really drunk (standard) and needed to go home as he has been sick and had fallen over and cut his arm. The rest of the party we're say inside a curry house. The party included Trev's df, db and fil to be and bil to be.
The above all live in the same village, a 10 mins drive from where I live. Yet, I live a 10 minute walk from the curry house. My DH was starving and rather drunk (no being sick though) and suggested to all of the "village people" that someone takes Trev home. They all said no or ignores him. So DH walked him back to my house and rang on the way home. I was just about to get into bed myself and he asked me to get the first aid kit out as Trev had cut himself.

They walked in and DH allowed to Trev to plop himself on the sofa and lay there, I was in the kitchen at this point, routing around for plasters etc.
I told DH not to let him on the sofa as Trev was covered in blood on his arms and he had loads of make up on his face.
Anyway I suggested that DH calls Trev's dad to come and get on his way home and he just fannies about and really shouts at me and calls me names, tells me to stop interferring.

The upshot of it all is that they rang Trev's mum because would have needed to take the door off the latch and DH was really laughy jokey with her (she is vile and has been awful toward my family, my friend and her parents) DH says that he will get in the taxi with Trev and then come home again. About a £20 round trip. DH orders taxi and I suggest again in the meantime to try to get hold of his dad so he can swing buy ours and collect his ds. BTW Trev still lives at home with his parents.
Anyway DH finally managed to get hold of someone from the party and they confirmed they had all gone home now. Taxi didn't come for ages and just after it finally did arrive Trev's father rang my house and I answered. I haven't spoken to the man in 2 years and I really can't say what happened but he malice towards my family nearly caused an awful amount of harm.

If you really want to know I'll PM you if you ask but I can't say on here.
I wasn't rude to the man but I was chatty and polite either.
Anyway DH got home and did apologise for calling me names, nothing horrendous bit I certainly didn't deserve it.
He is so unpredictable when he drinks, he's either the life and soul or an argumentative arsehole.
I'm so pissed off!!!! Sorry for it being so long. Even if this isn't read it feels good to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2014 10:35

Not great but if DH is his best man I suppose its understandable and more importantly will be a one off you would hope.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2014 10:35

No excuse for DH calling you names or being horrible when drunk though. At all.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2014 10:36

The understandable bit was the groom staying with best man. Not DH's shitty behaviour.

Atbeckandcall · 27/04/2014 10:38

Thanks Fanjo, forgot add DH said IABU for not letting the stag stay over. We have only our bed and my dd's bed in the house at the moment. I definitely didn't want a drunk, covered in blood/make up and sick covered man in her room. And my sofa is absolutely out of bounds (it cost a fortune and my dm bought it for us) it's too beautiful.
I'd love to say that this is a one off but anytime DH goes out and has just 1 pint too many he is horrid Hmm

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2014 10:40

Yes that is the real issue. His terrible behaviour and lack of respect.

You werent of course being U to not want blood and sick on your furniture.

I don't think you would be U to tell him to stop drinking either if his behaviour is not acceptable after alcohol.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2014 10:41

Can he go and stay with his friend instead if he insists on drinking and you dont wish to leave him?

Have you talked about this when he is sober?

Is he respectful apart from when drinking?

Fenton · 27/04/2014 10:41

Horrible uncomfortable situation but someone had to take care of Trev, and your DH is best man.

It's over with, you've done the right thing for Trev and presumably no pukey or worse occurred in your home.

Forget about it now, don't blame you for wanting to have a rant about it though.

FengMa · 27/04/2014 10:42

Not clear why he didn't call the stag's mum from the get go and clean him up there... Drunken idiots aren't always the most sensible though I suppose.

Grovelling required today, and no hangover support deserved I say.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2014 10:43

Drinking is not acceptable if it causes him to trwat you badly.

Nor is having friends who act in a disrespectful manner to you and have families who do IMO.

I feel for you :(

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2014 10:44

I am just thinking this goes deeper than one stag night.

Fenton · 27/04/2014 10:44

Sorry, xposted quite a bit.

I would have to see that the horrible drunk behaviour gets dealt with.

maddy68 · 27/04/2014 10:47

They were all pissed. No one was wrong, (except your dh for shouting)
I would have out a sheet on the sofa and let him stay.

AgentProvocateur · 27/04/2014 10:58

You talk about "my sofa" and "my house". If they are yours and your DH lives elsewhere, YANBU.

However, if you live together, it's not unreasonable for your DH to want his best mate to stay over. He could have slept on the floor if you're precious about your sofa.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2014 10:58

That isnt the main issue here though

Atbeckandcall · 27/04/2014 11:03

When sober my DH is wonderful, no question. But when he's had a drink he is a PITA. And last night I ended up looking after Trevor. Fishing his glasses out of the toilet, cleaning up his arm, making sure he didn't forget his phone, making him a coffee etc.

And dd was due home early this morning as dm was being her here. I didn't want her to see/smell drunks in the house and dm would have been pretty pissed off if OUR new sofa had make up/blood/sick etc all over it. And I wouldn't have blamed her either.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 27/04/2014 11:04

This is maybe the last straw for you with the drinking then.

I would have a very big chat with him about his drinking and behaviour when drunk, when he is sober and wonderful.

Dont make it just about stag night but general chat needs to be had IMO.

Atbeckandcall · 27/04/2014 11:11

Thanks Fanjo, I will.

Separate issue but sort of related and it gets me thinking.
I really struggle with the drink until you can't stand mentality among some people. I think a lot of it is goading when around others as well. What also horrifies me is people buying dirty pints. I find it all so weird.

OP posts:
Atbeckandcall · 27/04/2014 11:15

I think I'm also so cross because he got into a state that meant I had to communicate the Trev's family. And as DH was the stag and should have been taking care of things, he shouldn't have let it get to that. His major fault sober is that he finds conflict difficult and never want to upset anyone ever. But somehow manages to piss me right off in the process. I know it's difficult but your loved ones have been really wronged you seriously can't think it's ok to be jovial with them?!
I know IABU, just can't help it today.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2014 11:26

"and dm would have been pretty pissed off if OUR new sofa had make up/blood/sick etc all over it"

Did DM pay for it and set conditions on you getting it?

It sounds as though you all need to start treating each other with respect and appropriate adult boundaries.

A piss up for your best mates stag, that you are BM for, is reasonable, so is the BM looking after the Groom.

Stuff like this happens, if it is only once in a while then you shouldn't be carrying this on.

Your DD seeing someone drunk after a special occassion won't do her any harm.

You should of kept out of it, it depends on how abusive the name calling was.

Perhaps it's the unreasonable level of control that you are expecting to have over your DH that causes you "to be pissed off".

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2014 11:29

If you hadn't of got involved then you wouldn't of had to speak to the other family.

Just provide the first aid kit and leave them to it, next time.

You do need to realise that it is both your home and occasionally these things happen, if you like a drink (I am female but am the one with these situations), my former DH didn't.

Atbeckandcall · 27/04/2014 11:32

No she didn't set conditions upon the purchase of sofa but I would seem it disrespectful that an item that had been bought as gift that my dm had worked hard and saved hard for was treated carelessly.

I do have respect for DH. A great deal of it. But I also have respect for our home. And I remember seeing my dad paralytic a couple of times when I was little and I didn't like it. Likewise with DH's mother as she was an alcoholic.

OP posts:
maddy68 · 27/04/2014 11:46

Flip it round. If it was your best friend that was drunk you wouldn't expect your dh to send her on her way, you would expect her to be a&e to stay in your house!

I personally think you have over reacted

NurseyWursey · 27/04/2014 13:01

I don't see any issue with what he did except calling you names, that's completely and utterly wrong.

Things like this happen, it's your DH's home too. I'm sure you'd do the same for your friend.

LayMeDown · 27/04/2014 13:03

Well what is your issue? Your OP title suggests it is the pissed up stag but it seems from the OP that your real problem is that your H is a dick when he is drunk.
TBH my DH bringing home a drunk mate to sleep on the couch wouldn't bother me. Of course I would expect him to make sure that the couch didn't get covered in blood and puke. I certainly would not get up to get out first aid kits, fish glasses out of toilets or make coffee. And I would be pissed off if they woke me up. But it's not a big deal to put up a drunk mate even one whose family doesn't get on with your family. I think you were a bit mean to insist he go home.
However it does seem your issue is less this soecific one and more the general issues surronding your husbands relatinship with alchol. The recurrent problems with your H's drinking seems to suggest he has a drink problem. This is what you should be looking at IMO.

drudgewithagrudge · 27/04/2014 13:07

Why did your DH agree to be Trevor's Best Man when there is such ill feeling between his family and yours?

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