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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with DP for not being 'in the mood' on ovulation day??

51 replies

lillamyy1 · 27/04/2014 10:09

We're ttc for the first time and this is the first month we've tried. Took about a year and a half for DP to agree that we're ready to have a baby.
He's been really good and we've dtd nearly every other day which is very rare for us!), except on the one day I knew I was ovulating, when he just wasn't 'in the mood' and refused.
End of my cycle now and just got a negative test result. AIBU to feel like this is his fault?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/04/2014 10:11

Would you expect to have to have sex when you didn't feel like it?

I think YABU.

SillyTilly123 · 27/04/2014 10:12

Did you tell him it was your ovulation day? Bit of a mood killer? Don't tell him when it is. Plus sperm can live for, i think, 5 days so if it didnt happen, chances are it wouldn't have happened if you'd dtd on ovulation day.

ShatterResistant · 27/04/2014 10:12

YABU. (And you really should chill out. It could take ages to get pregnant, and you really don't want to start off at each other's throats.)

Imnotaslimjim · 27/04/2014 10:12

Its nobody's fault really, the chances of getting BFP on the first cylce are slim. I do understand your frustration though. Did you tell him you were fertile? Could that be what put him off? I wouldn't mention it in the future, my DH just saw any extra DTD as a bonus!

SillyTilly123 · 27/04/2014 10:12

^^ thats considering you'd dtd every other day.

ComposHat · 27/04/2014 10:13

Or alternatively, he is a human being with a will of his own, not a sperm producing machine. To be shitty with someone for not consenting to sex is not on.

ApocalypseThen · 27/04/2014 10:14

Are you sure he really feels ready? Also, my experience is that the exact day is no guarantee that you'll get pregnant - and not the exact day is no guarantee that you won't.

Just don't make your life or relationship revolve around ttc. I know it's hard, I'm in the same boat with a negative test again this morning, but try.

cece · 27/04/2014 10:14

If you dtd every other day then it is not important whether you did it on ovulation day. My 4 year old was conceived like that.

My advice - don't tell him when you are ovulating. Real mood killer ime.

magoria · 27/04/2014 10:16

If you are having sex every other day doesn't that mean that there were sperm already up there and heading for the egg?

Do you need to monitor so closely for medical reasons or can you just relax for a few months?

If it is the first month you are TTC with no history you seem to be going in all guns blazing and could set yourself and your DP up for a lot of stress, upset and annoyance.

Or he may not really want a DC.

ilovepowerhoop · 27/04/2014 10:16

its supposed to be fun TTC so dont start getting worked up in the first month. If you have sex in the few days before ovulation then sperm will still be hanging around (they live for up to 7 days) so there is no need to get hung up on the exact day of ovulation.

www.nhs.uk/livewell/fertility/pages/getpregnant.aspx says:

If you’re hoping to get pregnant, having sex every two or three days throughout the month will give you the best chance.

You don’t need to time sex around ovulation. Trying to do this can be stressful, and being stressed may mean you have less sex

Take the pressure off him and just enjoy trying to get pregnant.

noblegiraffe · 27/04/2014 10:17
  1. No one should be pressured to have sex if they don't want it
  1. This could be a long ride and if you are going to look for someone to blame each time you aren't pregnant it could get very bitter and unpleasant. People have sex and don't get pregnant despite ovulating all the time, if it were that easy everyone who wanted to conceive would get pregnant first time.
HoldOnHoldOnSoldier · 27/04/2014 10:19

YABU, He is a person not a sperm donar. And tbh if You have been nagging him for a year and a half to have a baby that is quite unfair on him.

Writerwannabe83 · 27/04/2014 10:19

Sex marathons aren't always necessary.

When me and DH decided to TTC we only had sex 3 times over the course of 9 days (I had absolutely no idea when I was supposed to ovulate) and we still got pregnant.

I think it's ideal to have sex leading up to ovulation anyway as opposed to the actual ovulation day being the most important? Doesn't the egg only last a few hours anyway? And I'm sure I read it can take up to 12 hours for the sperm to actually reach the Fallopian tubes so the egg mightn't even be viable when they do meet. Ideally there should be lots of spermies all ready and waiting for when the egg is released which will have come from pre-ovulation day sex Smile. You are obviously having regular sex so I doubt very much your BFN is because you didn't do it on one particular day so I'd go easy on DH, the last thing you/he needs is pressure and anger this early on.

The best of luck though and I hope you aren't waiting too long Smile

trikken · 27/04/2014 10:20

Yabu. You cant make someone want to do it. Its just one of those things.

HappyMummyOfOne · 27/04/2014 10:23

It sounds like you have no respect for your DP and see him as a sperm donor. Poor man, lets hope he cottons on to you before your plan works.

Pressuring somebody into sex is not on neither is nagging them into becoming a parent. Not fair on the child.

WitchOfEndor · 27/04/2014 10:25

He isn't being unreasonable to not have sex if he isn't in the mood. Some men actually find it a turn off to think their partners want to have sex just because they are ovulating, so if I were you I would drop all the TTC talk and do things that would get him in the mood instead. Depending on many factors you could fall pregnant straight away or try for a year plus, so try not to get too worked up. It took us 10 months!

Back2Two · 27/04/2014 10:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Creatureofthenight · 27/04/2014 10:25

YABU - how would you feel if the roles were reversed and he was pissed off at you because you didn't fancy dtd?

softlysoftly · 27/04/2014 10:26

YAB massively U.

This is the first month of trying and you are already dictating how often and when you must have sex. You are taking all the joy out of it unnecessarily. Yes those measures are sometimes eventually necessary but you are not there yet!

On the other note he can choose not to have sex whenever he likes it's awful that you are effectively emotionally blackmailing him into it.

You need to seriously stop and think before you ruin your relationship totally.

Quinteszilla · 27/04/2014 10:28

Yabu. If you think about it in terms of "fault" if you dont fall pregnant during a cycle, then maybe you should hold off with trying for a baby for a while..

UtterFool · 27/04/2014 10:30

YANBU

Us men can just turn it on and off like a tap Hmm

WooWooOwl · 27/04/2014 10:31

If it's taken you are year and a half to agree to TTC, and now he's saying he's not in the mood, are you sure he wants to conceive?

It doesn't sound like it to me. I think you need to ask him if he's really ready for this, listen carefully to what he says and then respect his choice if he admits he doesn't really want a child yet.

YABVVU to feel like it's his fault that you're not pregnant after one month of trying.

MooMaid · 27/04/2014 10:33

YABU

It's only your first month and you dtd every other day already!

Quinteszilla · 27/04/2014 10:34

You cant nag somebody into parenthood. It is not fair on him, and most certainly not fair on the child!

Mrsjayy · 27/04/2014 10:35

yabu it is not his fault you are not pregnant fgs it takes 2 and even if you did have sex then it doesn't happen just like that poor man it took him a year and a half to agree and now you are pissed off cos he didn't want to dtd you did it every other day , I think you need to think about this fault nonsense before you try again because what if you dont get pregnant for months will you think it is his fault then or your fault relax