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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off with DP for not being 'in the mood' on ovulation day??

51 replies

lillamyy1 · 27/04/2014 10:09

We're ttc for the first time and this is the first month we've tried. Took about a year and a half for DP to agree that we're ready to have a baby.
He's been really good and we've dtd nearly every other day which is very rare for us!), except on the one day I knew I was ovulating, when he just wasn't 'in the mood' and refused.
End of my cycle now and just got a negative test result. AIBU to feel like this is his fault?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 27/04/2014 10:35

Anyone want to bet the OP won't be back?

CuntyBunty · 27/04/2014 10:35

YANBU for feeling like that.
The fact that it took a year and a half to get him to agree to TTC and that the day he knew you were ovulating he refused is telling me he doesn't want a baby.
How are you both at communicating with one another? Are you crystal clear on what you both want? What vibes are you getting from him if you don't talk properly?

ShadowFall · 27/04/2014 10:36

YABU.

Sperm live for a few days, so if you'd been having sex nearly every other day, there'd almost certainly have been some live sperm in the right place anyway. So in those circumstances, not having sex on ovulation day wouldn't really make any difference.

It's also possible that if your DH is feeling pressured to perform that it's putting him off.

WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2014 10:36

With your current attitude I doubt your relationship will survive another six months.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/04/2014 10:37

OP, it's only your first month. It could take a while so don't get worked up the first month you try. Just try and see what happens to start with.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 10:40

Ugh calm down, will ya

What form did this "persuasion to ttc" take from your end ?

Far too much pressure going on here, and it's only been one month. Did you imagine you would fall first time ?

I say back right off (and I am speaking as someone who has been on round the ttc/infertility/MC/treatments roundabout, so I know how it feels to be desperate for a baby)

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 10:41

oh, and btw, when I finally conceived, it was nowhere near "ovulation day"

mummytoedwardandflora · 27/04/2014 10:41

Harsh responses! My DS was an accident but it took us four months to conceive DD. It might not be long but honestly, i remember getting really moody once with my poor DH as he couldn't "perform" and then we had to go out to a party and I KNEW I was ovulating.

It turned out I was pregnant that month anyway :) so one of the times before ovulation must have worked!

magpiegin · 27/04/2014 10:45

I wouldn't get too hung up on ovulation dates etc for a while. Just enjoy having sex as regularly as you both want and see what happens. I got pregnant after about 3 months of not using contraception, I had no idea when my ovulation date were. Take the pressure off a bit and just enjoy being with each other.

CuntyBunty · 27/04/2014 10:48

You need to talk to one another and really listen.

SauvignonBlanche · 27/04/2014 10:50

YABU, you need to chill about this.

ikeaismylocal · 27/04/2014 10:57

Yabu. It is very unsexy to talk about ovulation day, also sex every other day is completly unnecessary, poor guy was probably worn out/bored by the time ovulation happened.

How do you even know you were ovulating? Are you doing ovulation predictor tests already on month one? I think you need to calm down a little and enjoy having sex with each other because it's fun, if 6 months down the line your still not pregnant maybe start to track ovulation or time sex.

I only seem to be able to get pregnant when we have great sex, planned ttc sex doesn't seem to work.

aermingers · 27/04/2014 11:00

YABU, it took me ten years to have a baby and it took me about 4 years and diagnosed problems to get this stressed.

It's supposed to be fun, relax and try to enjoy it.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 11:00

Yep, I am sure the ones I conceived from were sessions just for fun as opposed to mechanical, timed ones.

attheendoftheday · 27/04/2014 11:06

YABU because it's the first month!

That said, when we'd been trying for two and a half years I'd have expected dp to make an effort to get in the mood on an ovulation day, unless he was ill or similar. Lucky for me he always stepped up to the mark (and we now have 2 dds).

Is this an issue because you think he doesn't really want a baby? If so, you need to discuss it openly.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 27/04/2014 11:07

It can be easy to get caught up in ovulation timings and temping and everything else but not in the first month! If you dtd every other day every month already you'll be knackered and it'll take the fun out of it. Calm down.

If after six months you haven't conceived maybe the think about using opk's but not straight away.

I say this as someone who conceived quickly the first time, without trying, then got pregnant again using opk's as I'd had a miscarriage. It's easy to get caught up in all the testing and charting and I remember saying to DH that we'd missed our time that month. Turns out I was already pregnant.

Don't turn ttc into a chore.

BurnThisDiscoDown · 27/04/2014 11:07

We tried for 15 months before I fell pregnant with DS, and even though we were both getting upset about it by then, there was still no bigger turn off than "let's do it, I'm ovulating!". For one it's a lot of pressure, and for two it made DH feel like I only wanted him for a baby. When I got pregnant, we hadn't done the deed anywhere near ovulation anyway.

It isn't fair to think of it in terms of fault, and it's not on to coerce someone into sex, you need to calm down a bit.

Cabrinha · 27/04/2014 11:11

YABU.
Nothing like obsession from day to turn your partner off.
Be careful you don't turn him off you, as well as having sex.
Chill pill time.

Sallyingforth · 27/04/2014 11:18

With your current attitude I doubt your relationship will survive another six months.
That's a bit harsh, but I do think you should calm down and have a good long talk with him about your relationship and mutual expectations.
If this was your DP posting about you not performing on demand, he'd be hit with an outcry - and quite rightly.

Original poster

lillamyy1 · 27/04/2014 11:29

Thanks, guys! I knew I was probably being unfair - I definitely needed to be told though! I hadn't thought about how it would be if it was the other way around - SHIT! I feel like such a bitch! And I can't believe I said 'he's been very good' - that does sound really awful - I'm so embarrassed I didn't mean it to sound like that

Actually our relationship is very strong and we communicate very well, all the time. We wouldn't have lasted this long if we weren't so close, and things have been going from strength to strength and I know he's ready for a baby.

Luckily, I hadn't let him know that I was annoyed so I'll just put it behind us now.

Thanks again, ladies - I really appreciate all your advice

OP posts:

Quinteszilla · 27/04/2014 11:31

"I hadn't thought about how it would be if it was the other way around - SHIT!" I know, bit of a shocker sometimes when a problem is put on its head. Good luck!

Bunbaker · 27/04/2014 11:33

Good luck, and don't worry about it not happening straight away.

Sallyingforth · 27/04/2014 11:38

Good luck OP!

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 11:41

Good luck wit it and relaaaaax

Pipbin · 27/04/2014 11:41

YABU. One month? You won't get much sympathy from woman here. 3 years for me and not a sniff of a bfp.

If you start getting this stressed this early then you are setting yourself up for a very tricky time.

Good luck and I hope it happens soon.

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