To ask if you think men recover from bereavement more quickly than women?

[Motherinlawsdung]

I know so many who have remarried or found new partners soon after losing their wives - within a few months. I am happy for them but I don't see this so often with women whose husbands have died. Is this the usual pattern?

There is no scientific evidence for a female or male brain, but I think there are clear differences in how women and men, in general, behave. I think it is socialised. So in the older generation, generally women in the UK were brought up to take care of their Husband. Of course there are exceptions, but it is generally true.

I think it's very much an individual thing. Every bereaved person I've known has reacted differently to their loss.

My mum was widowed at 43 and had another relationship 9 months later which I found quite hurtful. She eventually remarried 7 yrs later (not to the man she had the relationship with) and they've been together nearly 25 yrs now.

My MIL was a widow for about 17 yrs before she remarried - her new husband's first wife had only been dead 3 mths when they got together, which did cause some raised eyebrows in the village.
He's a typical man of his generation who needs 'looking after'. He seems to spend every night in his study watching football, while she sits in another room watching soaps. Not quite sure what they get from their marriage tbh.

No.

My husbands been upset tonight about his grandfather who died 25 years ago.

Men apparently remarry quickly if they have been happily married, I think its trying to recapture what they had rather than being "over it".
It's just a different way of dealing with it.

I think it is a generational thing more than gender thing, and I wonder if in years to come it will be that the numbers even out.

Of the men and women I know over 60 who have been widowed, all of the men have remarried but only one of the women did and she was basically bullied into it by a man who couldnt wipe his own arse. She passed away and her husband is now working his way through women at a rate of knots until he finds one who will marry him. Tellingly, when he hasnt got a "lady friend" on the go, he has carers. As soon as he has, he cancels them......

Well then surely bogeyface it is a gender and generational thing?

It will be interesting to see if the generation in their 40's and early 50's now have the same gender difference or not around remarrying about bereavement. It might change.

Fair point green I meant that, but didnt make it clear!

My mum died a number of years ago. My dad still gets upset very quickly if we say anything at all emotional or sad about mum. He is very capable but finds looking after himself a chore, mum did all the domestic stuff. However old fashioned and sexist it may sound I'd love him to find a new partner who'd enjoy cooking for him and be a companion for him. But despite the loneliness I'm sure he must feel at times, I think he is just too heartbroken to even contemplate letting someone new into his life and always will be.

The more I think on it, and reading what coldtea says about her dad, I wonder if men actually dont get over bereavement because they dont have the support so they just move on.

Of all the men I know, not one of them dealt with bereavement in a healthy way. My dad, his brothers and my son all dealt with the death of my grandparents by not dealing with it at all. They couldnt deal with the emotions it provoked so kept it all locked away (proved by bereavement counselling) yet my aunt sobbed, grieved, talked and didnt need counselling.

H was the same. 13 years he kept the pain of losing his father inside, it would come out sometimes but rarely and only for a moment. I insisted he got counselling after a breakdown provoked by someone slagging off their own father. He was in a very bad way for several months as he finally came to terms with his loss. He hadnt had a chance to do it at the time as he felt he was the one that his mother and sisters should lean on. And he admitted that he didnt want to face the pain, so he didnt.

Ex H was the same losing his mum.

I wonder if it is gender conditioning. "Men dont talk about these things", so men dont talk about these things. "Women expect men to be strong" so men act strong. "Women dont understand how men deal with bereavement" so for fear of getting it wrong, we dont try to help.

Who are all the widowers marrying though? Widows presumably... If we're talking about over 60s, which this thread seems to be doing, then I'd guess single women of that age are more likely to be widowed than divorced.

Not necessarily.

A young widow I know (a long time ago) married her brother in law within a couple of years. I guess they bonded over the grief.

I also knew an oldie (she's now passed) who had a boyfriend after she was widowed. She got a toyboy

My DH died of cancer last year aged 43 and although it is a recent loss I am not sure anyone actually recovers from a bereavement. Recovery implies returning to a normal state of mind, health or strength and I am not sure that actually happens.

IME you adapt to your new normal - you learn a new one - both in state of mind and strength. It is not the normal you had before so I can't see it as a recovery. My mind will always grieve for the loss of MrD, and I am certain I am stronger than I was before - so for me I am not recovering my normal, rather I am learning the new one which I am forced to adapt to.

I can absolutely understand the need to try and recreate the normal you've had, which often means marrying again very quickly. In some ways, it's easier to do that than it is to adapt to the completely alien, unwanted normal that is the alternative.

I was a bit judgey recently about a man I know whose wife died after several years in a nursing home with MS. He had started seeing someone else while his wife was still alive (although never told her). The new partner came to the funeral. When my friend tried to offer her condolences to the widowed man he slapped her on the back, as he opened another bottle of wine and proclaimed ' it's all good!'.

daisy I'm sorry for your loss...

I lost my dd 8 years ago. You're right, life just becomes a new normal. You never get over your loss, you adjust your life around it.

Fwiw, two of my widow friends (widow is a horrible word), met partners again. one didnt have dcs, one did. Another has not, 1 dc and her partner died 2 years ago.

I can think of 4 men who moved on v quickly, actually can only think of one widower who didn't.

It is partly I think that they are trying to recreate what they had, and possibly that the women were strong women so the men need someone else to step in as they are lost (or at least feel lost) on their own, but also that predatory women, that's a bit strong, but women were around very quickly after the bereavement.

In my MIL's case though, I don't think her new man was trying to recreate what he'd had with his first wife - she'd been very ill for most of their marriage.

Maybe he just thought 'Yippee, I'm free from my responsibilities' ??

I was in my 40s when I joined a bereavement group after losing my DH nearly 6 years ago.
I noticed that the men struggled to come to terms with their losses and sometimes a replacement is what they are looking for as they do (on the whole) struggle to cope alone.
The women (on the whole) seem to enjoy their independence, have made new friends and enjoy socialising, going out etc and not being chained to the kitchen sink.
Doesn't mean either the men or the women are over their losses.
I have a new partner now and my children have been great at accepting him - it's a new life for us but we still grieve from time to time.

my mum died last march .and to be honest the only person my father is interested in is miss vodka /beer .

she just took a heart attack no prevoius illness nothing .she was lying on seetee watching tv .and that was it over in 3 minutes .

my father phoned me this morning at 6.30 which is nothing new to tell me he misses her .i doubt he would ever have another partner .

not that i am saying it,s wrong everyone greaves diffrently

I remember reading once that as men tend to be discouraged from expressing emotion and seeking emotional support from friends then the only real emotional support they get is from their wife/partner. By contrast (and again, as a broad generalisation) women are more open to both expressing their emotions to their friends and also asking for support from them. So when a man's wife/partner dies the sole source of his emotional support has gone whereas when a woman's husband/partner dies she has more people to lean on.

I think there's a grain of truth in that and I wonder how much of an effect that has on the speed with which men move on from bereavement compared to women.

i dont think you can say that men move on quicker then woman

everyone is different

unless you have been widowed and lost the love of your life you just DONT know what/how you will cope/do and NO ONE has a right to tell you that you are doing things differently from they are, if they have never been in that position.

i have been widowed for just 3 years, middle of april - still hate that term, widows :(

i know lots of people my age, was 37 when widowed who have met a new partner

i met someone 9mths after dh died, i wasnt looking ie hadnt joined an agency etc, just was a friend of a friend and we started talking about dh/my loss and went from there

some friends find it 'hard' that i have moved on, the difference is that i am carrying on with my life, not moving on - its a HUGE DIFFERENCE

i was with my dh for 19years and loved him with a passion but sadly he isnt here anymore and you have to make a choice in your life what to do and to carry on

my life is different now as i had no choice and i had to make a new one

when your whole life has been shattered and all your dreams/hopes/plans for the future just stop, it is devastating and as i said unless you have experienced that (and i hope none of you do) then you just dont know what you will do