To ask if you think men recover from bereavement more quickly than women?

[Motherinlawsdung]

I know so many who have remarried or found new partners soon after losing their wives - within a few months. I am happy for them but I don't see this so often with women whose husbands have died. Is this the usual pattern?

My mother remarried three and a half years after my father died; after she died my stepfather lived six years single until he died. You can't generalise.

My Dad died just back in February, and I'm a bloke.

I'm having a lot of problems dealing with this loss

I know a few men who have remarried very quickly after being widowed. I couldn't help feeling shocked by it. I don't know any women who have done the same (unless you count Nigella Lawson, who of course I don't know personally.)

There's a line in Persuasion that stays with me. Captain Benwick's fiancee, Fanny Harville, has died, and he is apparently overcome with grief. Not long after he is engaged to another woman, and Fanny's brother remarks, "She would not have forgotten him so soon."

Remarrying doesn't necessarily equal recovering from bereavement, I think. I am sure some people feel ready to move on with a new relationship while still grieving their lost partner.

I know two people who remarried fairly soon (less than two years) after being widowed, one female (young, in her 20s, with children, went on to have more children with second husband) - I think she just wanted to move on with life. The other was older and male, and married someone the same age, similar appearance and same name (!) as his late wife. It looked very much like a replacement as he was unused to being alone after 30+ years of marriage. Another older widow I know has thrown herself into many unsuitable new relationships, although she has not remarried (not for want of trying, I think) - again, I think she is just not used to/happy being on her own.

Everyone is different. I was widowed more than 7 years ago, and am not in a new relationship, partly because I have made bringing up the DCs my main priority, and would therefore be very cautious about bringing a new man into their lives, but also because I am a very independent-minded person and don't feel I need a man to be happy (although I was very happily married). I am now at a stage (now the children are older) where I might consider a new relationship, but I am not rushing into anything - I think I am probably fairly fussy.

I know so many who have remarried or found new partners soon after losing their wives - within a few months. I am happy for them but I don't see this so often with women whose husbands have died. Is this the usual pattern?

So, what is your fucking point? Yes, I am very sad.

Oh goodness I so agree with the poster who said the thing about men generally preferring to be married. I can think of loads of widowers among my parents friends and relations (they have a lot) who seemed to find someone very quickly whereas by and large the widows have remained single. I think it's far easier for older women to be single than for men. I think women are more confident about joining groups and making new friends and, crucially, maintaining female friendships.

I think that is true Toffe. And I also think in older people they tend to have more traditional roles where the women does the cooking and housework. After doing that for someone else for years, I suspect many are happy to escape it.

It is the women who have had Husbands who have been controlling in some way e.g. managed the finances, did no or little housework, that seem to have flourished when becoming a widow.

Partialderivative

No need for such aggression. So sorry for your loss, but I think losing a parent is very different to losing a spouse, and also the age when a spouse dies is significant.

The thread has generally discussed men and women recovering from the loss of their partner, as this could be construed, certainly in young and early middle age as somewhat unexpected, whereas the death of a parent is somewhat inevitable (although I never expected to lose one of mine so early, I was 22, mum was 45).

That's not to say that there isn't grief on the death of a parent, and it's such a short time since your dad passed away, I'm not surprised that you're hurting. And just because you are a man doesn't mean that you shouldn't grieve but instead show that horrendous stiff upper lip and get on with life - no-one's saying that.

But there are discernible patterns over the ways in which men and women grieve. Not set in stone though.

Onlyjoking - I am so sorry for your loss, how awful for you.

Thank you for all your replies - some really helpful and perceptive comments, and the various research reports are really interesting and relevant.
Partial I am sorry for your loss.
My post was about couples but I am sorry for anyone who had lost a loved one; and, as I said in the original post, happy for those who have found happiness with a new partner.

I've known two people who have married quite quickly after losing a spouse - one a man then in his 30s and the other a woman in her 40s.

As exex says upthread, remarrying doesn't necessarily equal recovering from bereavement.

fwiw in the woman's case, her teenage children were happy for her. She is young and has decades ahead of her - after nursing a very ill husband for years and years, they're pleased she is seizing the day and having fun at last.

I meant to say also that, possibly counterintuitively, my friend's children being teenagers has probably made it easier for her to move on to a new relationship than might have been the case for exex.

As a generalisation, men and women do grieve differently. If you're interested there the dual-process model of bereavement by Stroebe and Schut. Women tend to focus on the loss or grief, they are 'loss oriented', while men are 'restoration oriented'.

I volunteer with bereaved couples and finding this model certainly helped me to explain the general trend in bereavement between the genders.

I could see how this applies to a person who loses a partner...

My DM said if she dies first to take her jewellery box quick as my DF will be snapped up!! He has ill health and she says she will NEVER marry again. In my experiences OP you are right. I am so sorry for everyones losses and as I have lived with a poorly Darling Father for 16 years, I can only imagine what you are all going through. x

I am friends with a man in his eighties who lost his wife about eighteen months ago.He was devastated by her death,which was very distressing (being fobbed off by doctors and misdiagnosed, and when they finally found out she had cancer it was far too late - absolutely awful for him to cope with) he can hardly talk about his late wife without welling up.

But he told me a few months ago he has been going on online dating sights, because he is so lonely, he lives alone and just wants some companionship - not so much a replacement as trying to fill the void in his life. Its very sad, and its his way of coping.

I think also women get a lot of support and empathy from friends, women tend to have the sort of friendships with other women where they can express thier feelings and not be embarrassed for crying etc. Maybe men (especially older generation men) have slightly different friendships, so turn to female friendships to get the support they need in grief.

IME men can get plenty of support from female friends, they don't have to get married. My elderly FIL has never remarried, but has quite a few female friends who support him.

Gender doesn't come into it.

MrsC - The evidence does not bear that out.

There is a lot of research to support that men are inclined to remarry/begin a new relationship quite soon after the loss of a spouse.

I don't think it's necessarily that they get over the loss more quickly, more they deal with it in different ways to women when speaking of both genders very broadly.

Obviously individuals are different.

I think there are also statistics that back up that men are more likely to die soon after the loss of a spouse, whereas women are less so.

Swings and roundabouts

My own experience is that gender makes little difference.

When my mum died my dad was 71 (she was 54, it was unexpected). He lived another 3 years without any interest in women, as far as he was concerned that part of his life died with my mum. He met her in his late 40s, had been a real womaniser up to that point, so you might expect him not to have wanted to be alone. But for him, my mum was the love of his life, and no point in replacing her.

I have several other relatives (both male and female) who have lost spouses in their 60s/70s. Of those, two have new partners, the rest are content to be on their own. One of my uncles is currently caring for my aunt who has dementia. Whilst of course she is very much alive at present, chances are she will die before him. I very much doubt he would marry again.

I suspect in some cases men (particular of older generations) simply arent used to doing things for themselves - thinking of my male relative who has remarried, he has never cooked or done housework in his life. Whereas my dad lived on his own til he met my mum, and was a trained chef, so more than capable of looking after himself

I haven't read the thread thoroughly , just wanted to say I find this a bizarre and actually offensive question / statement .
I have a number of friends (m and f) who have lost their partners . They are all coping differently and I know they would all find this topic distasteful . Why should we judge anyone and how can we ? Time taken to remarry has no relevance .
This is an unpleasant post ,its no one else's business how someone grieves .

Agree with others who say that men don't necessarily recover more quickly, they just deal with it in different ways.

Marriage suits men, who are 'looked after' more then women, who tend to do the looking after. Women are well able to be self-sufficient after the loss of their partner - the obvious exception to this being 'surrended wife' types, who have left all the decision-making to their husbands, and can't properly function in an adult world.

My Mum died 11 years ago, and luckily my Dad is a very capable man, and was able to live alone and look after himself and the house perfectly well, while working full time. Fortunately he has a big group of local friends and family for emotional support.

I do think in the immediate aftermath, widowers tend to continue to be 'taken care of' by all their women friends and family - Dad had cooked meals dropped round to him, and was continually invited out for dinner. Widows I know tend not to experience this as much, as it is assumed (usually quite rightly) that they're perfectly capable.

I think my Dad did most of his grieving in the years leading up to Mum's death. By the time it eventually came about, it was mostly a relief (and he has since completed the necessary paperwork to request that his life not be prolonged in the event of similar circumstances).

He met someone about 6 years after my Mum's death and embarked on a friendship which I suspect has become more, but they have no intention of moving in together, and he continues to look after himself domestically.

I think it WAS my business to be honest, when it was my mum.

It made me feel that the love my dad had professed to have for my mum was a lie, and that their marriage had been a sham.

No.

Men do it, women do it.

And things like this add to the 'male verses female brain' argument.