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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

: waving, not driving...

40 replies

Broodzilla · 26/04/2014 14:27

Really, as simple as that:

We were driving (DH at the wheel, me on the passanger side) behind a digger, going veeeery slowly, couldn't see around him to see if it's safe to overtake. When the digger passed a bus stop, he pulled over to let us past.

I said aaawww, that's really nice of him, let's say "thank you" (the DC were in the back, hence the thinking aloud...) and as I lifted my hand up to wave, DH hit my arm back down.

He then put his hand out the driver's side and waved.

I was upset and offended at him hitting me, still am... I just tried talking to DH about it, said that I honestly didn't see what I'd done wrong, and certainly didn't think the "wrongdoing" warranted hitting.

I said I felt like he "put me in my place" and he pulled a face and said "how could I ever put you in your place". (Not joking, not affectionate.)
I asked him what he meant by that, where does he think my place is...

He said he doesn't see anyone else's wife gesturing and waving when the DH is the one driving.

Confused

I grew up with DA. I know I'm over sensitive. This, and especially his explanation, has me feeling really sad, which is probably out of propotion...

AIBU, or is he?

OP posts:
StarSwirl92 · 26/04/2014 14:31

Imho, he's a dick. If someone tried to put me in my place, they'd find their place on the bloody streets.

Eminybob · 26/04/2014 14:31

YANBU

He is U and an arse. Don't get his issue with you waving at all.

HolidayCriminal · 26/04/2014 14:32

Do you have lots of other issues as a couple?

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2014 14:35

I always wave "thanks" when I'm a passenger, with a family member (likewise I get involved with arsehole driving).

He's a knob and I would question his behaviour.

SunnyRandall · 26/04/2014 14:35

I always put my hand up if someone lets me out or past, whether I am the driver or the passenger.

Sounds like there is more to this though Sad

AKeyFox · 26/04/2014 15:01

YANBU

He sounds very strange.

Andrewofgg · 26/04/2014 15:05

I don't think passengers should signal to other drivers, but I would not get excited about it.

But I would get excited about him being such a total arsehole as this.

Deftones · 26/04/2014 15:06

YANBU

I assume there is more to this and other occurrences that suggest he's a bit of a jebend

CorusKate · 26/04/2014 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PacificDogwood · 26/04/2014 15:11

Hm.
I understand why you feel really uncomfortable with this and wonder whether there are other issues in your relationship?

Having said that, I hate intensely dislike it when I am driving and my passenger (usually my dad) makes 'thank you' gestures on my behalf. I alway acknowledge if another driver has let me out/let me pass or whatever and I feel it's my 'job' when I am driving.
My dad is the Worst Ever Passenger (also tells me when to change gears/brake/set the indicator - I've been driving for 25+ years without accident), so may it's just that, but I can kind of see where your DH might have been coming from.

His manner is a bit harder to explain… Sad

ChazzerChaser · 26/04/2014 15:18

He sounds like an arse. Put you in your place?! And yes other passengers do this, I have, my partner has, my mum did the other day. I've done it on buses before.

ThePriory · 26/04/2014 15:19

Really weird reaction IMO... I would be fuming ! The only thing I can suggest is, next time u have something to eat together, whack his arm down before he takes a bite! See how he likes it....

Original poster
Broodzilla · 26/04/2014 15:38

Thank you all - I feel strangely calmer, knowing that I'm at least not over reacting. Hmm

OP posts:
softlysoftly · 26/04/2014 15:47

It does irritate me when DH Thanks people if I'm driving sorry.

But then it's part of his general "watch that kerb, you should have accelerated" general crap passengerness.

Having said that I find your DHs reasoning and response a little odd.

neiljames77 · 26/04/2014 15:50

If I leave a gap to let someone in front of me, I don't give a shit if it's the driver, passenger or yapping cocker spaniel in the back that acknowledges my manners and thoughtfulness.
It's only a polite hand gesture. What's his problem?

JingletsJangletsYellowBanglets · 26/04/2014 15:57

Two separate things. Does this action irritate other drivers? Some yes, some no.

Do you respond by physically hitting/grabbing someone to prevent him/her from continuing this action? Esp if you are driving at the time?

Fuck no!

Even if it is the most irritating thing in the world, you don't reach across and whack someone's hand while you're driving.

AvoidingEasterDIY · 26/04/2014 15:59

I agree with Pacific & Softly, it does irritate me when a passenger 'thanks' another driver as it makes me feel like the passenger thinks I'm either rude and wont do it or too incompetent to drive & 'thank' someone at the same time. However, as most of my (adult) passengers aren't regular passengers I just smile and ignore. If it was my DH I would say something, but not in a horrible way as your DH did, I would just explain how it makes me feel.

FWIW - I sometimes do it as a passenger too, bit of a reflex Grin Wink

You are, however, not over reacting to the way he acted. It was horrible and unnecessary - his attitude afterwards as well. He doesn't sound very nice and it sounds as if your 'past' gets the blame for you being 'over sensitive' when in fact, he's just being an arse :(

FruVikingessOla · 26/04/2014 16:07

YANBU

If DP's driving I'll always wave a 'thank you' to another driver who lets us out if I am the more visible person to the other driver (and DP would do the same for me when I'm driving).

It's just normal driving etiquette.

Your DH is over-reacting and being an idiot.

WooWooOwl · 26/04/2014 16:17

He shouldn't have hit your hand down, but you were the one that first used the phrase 'put me in my place', so you can't go all offended when he quotes it back to you.

I'm one of those drivers that gets irritated when a passenger tries to do that thanking for me. It implies that I'm rude enough not to do it, or I'm incapable of driving and acknowledging at the same time and as I'm neither of those things, I find it rude and presumptuous.

Next time, just let your DH get on with the driving and you get on with being a passenger.

You are over reacting.

Original poster
Broodzilla · 26/04/2014 16:17

Avoiding Easter, your last comment hit a nerve...

We're like a match made somewhere other than heaven, b/c I'm clearly affected by my past, and he's forever telling me I'm getting stressed for no reason or can't let things go.

And while I know he's right, (for example, it took me nearly 10 years of living with him to stop panicking whenever he raised his voice) I also think sometimes I try so hard to NOT let my past cloud my judgement that it backfires b/c that in itself clouds my judgement about what's ok and what's not...

OP posts:
Andro · 26/04/2014 17:34

DH often thanks other drivers when he's a passenger in my car, I often do the same when he's driving - it's an ingrained reaction now. Neither of us find it irritating (slightly amusing, but not irritating), it suppose it might be different if your passenger also tries to 'manage' you driving but that isn't an issue with us.

WooWOo, you say:
He shouldn't have hit your hand down,

Then say:
You are over reacting.

Which is it? Do you think OP is justifiably upset that her husband was aggressive towards her, or is she over reacting to a defensible action on the part of her husband?

Andro · 26/04/2014 17:34

^^That should have been WooWooOwl

SpiderNugent · 26/04/2014 18:03

Definitely over reacting

chill out girl

WooWooOwl · 26/04/2014 18:07

I meant he shouldn't have hit her hand down, but she's over reacting to him saying 'how could I put you in your place' when she used the phrase first when saying how she felt.

Andro · 26/04/2014 18:11

WooWooOwl - that makes more sense, thank you for clarifying.

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