: waving, not driving...

[Broodzilla]

Really, as simple as that:

We were driving (DH at the wheel, me on the passanger side) behind a digger, going veeeery slowly, couldn't see around him to see if it's safe to overtake. When the digger passed a bus stop, he pulled over to let us past.

I said aaawww, that's really nice of him, let's say "thank you" (the DC were in the back, hence the thinking aloud...) and as I lifted my hand up to wave, DH hit my arm back down.

He then put his hand out the driver's side and waved.

I was upset and offended at him hitting me, still am... I just tried talking to DH about it, said that I honestly didn't see what I'd done wrong, and certainly didn't think the "wrongdoing" warranted hitting.

I said I felt like he "put me in my place" and he pulled a face and said "how could I ever put you in your place". (Not joking, not affectionate.)
I asked him what he meant by that, where does he think my place is...

He said he doesn't see anyone else's wife gesturing and waving when the DH is the one driving.

I grew up with DA. I know I'm over sensitive. This, and especially his explanation, has me feeling really sad, which is probably out of propotion...

AIBU, or is he?

?

I think its fine for everyone or anyone in the car to thank or wave at anybody else at any time in a spirit of friendliness as long as they aren't obstructing the driver. We often travel on country roads and my experience is that both driver and passenger often signal thanks - it's like double the thankfulness. Sometimes the back seat passengers signal too.

Having said that, different strokes for different folks, but if he finds it annoying the correct think to do is discuss it in a light hearted way, not bat your hand down.

Passengers should't make aggressive signals - the vs, or the finger - but no reason why passengers shouldn't wave cheerily.

Your DH is a dick.

He sounds unpleasant.

I've often done what you made the attempt to do,when my dp would have been too busy actually driving to make the polite gesture himself.

On the other hand, I have openly told him that he has been rude for not thanking another driver when he easily and safely could have.

He's made the odd comment about me being an appalling passenger (I am a much better driver than him. It's a fact), but he's never physically touched me as a direct result.

Your DH needs to get a grip of himself and reassess his behaviour. Is he usually like this?

I honestly didn't realise waving on a driver's behalf was something people got bothered by. I wave for DH sometimes when he's driving, he sometimes waves for me when I am. It's usually when as the driver our attention might be focused elsewhere or the passenger will be more visible to the other driver. It seems like a really petty thing to get wound up about imo, and even if it is a bug bear of his there's no way it warrants hitting your arm down and making such a shitty comment. YANBU.

His behaviour is out of order but as the driver it is his job to thank other road users and bit yours so I can kinda understand his frustration.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel!

How often does he raise his voice or how often did he?

I think there might be a case for saying that he has conditioned you over the years.

YANBU at all. Given the number of drivers who sail past without so much as a nod,wave or smile of thanks I'm always delighted to get a car full of signs of appreciation. Both myself and my oh would acknowledge a kind gesture whether we were the driver or passenger. You were showing your children the type of response you would wish them to emmulate, your oh's behaviour was totally out of line.

I would be beyond angry if my oh hit me like this. Let him know just how upset you are, you don't have to justify to him why you feel like you do. If he knows about your past DA then he's a total arse, imo.

Can't thank you lot enough - I felt really wobbly when I posted.

We've talked it through again, and his reasoning remains (he feels that by me waving, I both assumed and made it clear to other drivers that he is rude and wasn't going to... I suppose he's entitled to his view, and I note some of you share it...) but he acknowledged that his reaction was out of order (FWIW: I objected to him slapping my arm, and then as an extension to him justifying doing it as I felt that the whole "other wives" part of the conversation aired views I wasn't aware he held) but it also emerged that he thinks I "take the feminism thing too seriously"... and that "this was not DA, even if I'd like to think so".

I'm not sure how much is down to him speaking before he has time to think and how much is the opposite, accidentally soeaking his mind IYSWIM.

What I do know, is you've given me lots to think about, so thank you.

It really doesn't sound as though this incident is evidence of somebody 'taking the feminism thing too seriously'.

Do you have a daughter? Sometimes "is this how you would like DD to be treated?" can give a different perspective on the seriousness of the problems women face.

Having said that, it would also be out of order for a woman to bat her husband's hand down in irritation or a woman to bat another woman's hand down in irritation. Generally feminism is about being treated with the respect that all human beings deserve - it's just that historically and currently women have a greater tendency not to get it.

Hi OP. I drive for a living, and when the passenger waves I assume I'm being thanked on behalf of the whole car.

Now, had I knocked DW's hand out of the way, her next gesture would have ended at the bridge of my nose. Your OH knows perfectly well you have issues around aggressive speech and movement, yet he chooses to continue? That's like chucking peanuts at someone with an allergy.

He is speaking his mind, and as for "taking feminism too seriously"? Fuck me rigid, I'm a hairyarsed HGV driver, and even I don't think there's enough of it about.

Merrymouse,

Yes, we do have a daughter... I did try the "swap 'other wives' for 'other passangers' if you think you have a general point to make" approach but I think I'll have to make it not about me and my issues by asking him to consider our DD at the receiving end in the future.

Disgrace (you're not! ) I like the peanuts analogy. I've tried to explain that if the DA I grew up with had messed up my knee, and DH couldn't see himself sharing his life with someone who limps, he'd have to go. Well, DA broke me on the inside, and if he can't take that on board and watch his impulses around me...

But I like the peanuts one better.

I love MN.

I could say soooo much here, but it's really sufficient to say that you're married to a dick.

Don't give him too many chances. Takes 'this feminism thing' too seriously?

Right.

Life is really very nice without these kinds of people in it, OP.

I always think it is up to the driver to do any acknowledgements to other road users, although I wouldn't bat someone's arm down if they did it my car. My 90 year old DM, who has never driven in her life, is always doing it, she actually waved her fist at someone once, I accelerated away very quickly after that.

I wouldn't swap to the DD. I would swap to his senior male manager. And then ask why he thinks you deserve less respect rather than more from him.