About 12 hours rest for a grown adult and other issues?

[JustABitTired]

I don't even know where to start, I could write a whole essay on life at the moment but want to keep it readable so sorry if I have to drip feed later. Basically, I feel like I've turned into an unpaid maid for dp and ds - I don't feel they're doing it intentionally but I don't know what to do about it.

DP spends up to 12-13 hours in bed/asleep if it's not a work day, but still manages 9 hours if it is, whereas I make do with 8-9 (possibly 10 for an exceptional 'lie-in' but that's very unusual). Sounds very 'LTB' and I have to qualify that he has had depression/anxiety going back to childhood and takes high dose anti-depressants which I know make him tired. Still, he manages when he has to get up earlier and tbh I think sleeping so long so often (every weekend and holiday day unless we have something to get up for, and as we're self employed every holiday day means EVERY school holiday day, even if we're supposed to be juggling work and childcare) just makes him more tired rather than less, which we've talked about often but then he forgets about again.

I could 'make' him get up early every day but I'm already feeling like the 24/7 mother of the house and don't want one more job to do. Plus I'd feel like a shit then if he's got a headache/feels knackered (has many disturbed nights with not sleeping well)/feels ill (lurches from one bug to the next) etc and I force him to get up (even though I force myself in the same circumstances). So for starters it doesn't help being the only parent up and doing things for 4 hours of the day (ds gets up earlier than me so not even chance for a bit of quiet time).

On top, as I say, it's unwritten that I have to be the mother of the house from the time I get up to when I get to sleep - without giving tonnes of examples the basic 'rule' seems to be if I don't notice it needs doing or organise doing it, it doesn't get done or gets glossed over. Ie, dp and ds would just eat the same 2-3 random rubbish meals for lunch/dinner if I didn't organise cooking and over the Easter holidays they'd have both spent the whole fortnight being bored/knackered (respectively) and playing on their computers, which I wouldn't have been happy with.

Plus dp and I work together, more out of need/circumstance (so I can help dp work) which makes me even more tired because while it's dp's dream job I'm not doing something I enjoy and we barely make minimum wage so it doesn't even pay enough to make us more comfortable, which would at least counteract some of the shitness.

I barely get any time 'off' and feel worn out myself but keep going because things need doing and I don't want us all to descend into living in filth and all being miserable (instead of just me I suppose!)

I'm so tired and fed-up and feel like I'm losing myself in all this, just becoming the stressed shouty housekeeper - but I don't know what to do about it. I tell dp how I feel and he listens brilliantly but then just doesn't know what to do about it - it seems unless I direct the two of them precisely they can't figure out anything for themselves!

Oh and ds isn't dp's biological son, he's been his step-dad for about 4 years, but still isn't getting the hang of it, he'll again only realise things need doing for ds if ds asks or I tell him to, otherwise it falls to me (like de-nitting him, noticing he needs new clothes etc etc etc!)

Bloody hell, what does this man contribute? Yeah yeah waah waah he's depressed - but he seems to think that's a free pass to do what he likes and have you martyr yourself indefinitely.

Depression - even severe, diagnosed-and-being-treated depression - is not a perfect excuse for selfish, lazy behaviour. As well as medication, he should be doing things like gentle exercise, regular bedtimes, healthy diet and not spending hours fucking about with computer games, particularly not in the evenings as this can lead to disturbed sleep and increased depression. And if this 'busines' of his that he's dragged you into is making no money, shut it down and get yourself a properly-paid job. Is it, by any chance, something wanky and self-indulgent like music or photography that only the very talented and very hard working make a proper living at?

Thank you SGB, I burst out laughing when I read your post, not in the way of laughing at you, but I think the relief of someone calling it like it is instead of me making excuses for it in my own head. You're pretty much there on all of it - he's a graphic designer and hard working for him but not for the other 'working 80 hours week' competition and no, he's not that talented but cheap instead.

And no, he barely exercises because he's too tired, doesn't eat healthily unless I'm forcing the issue, rarely plays computer games to be fair but I call it 'playing' as he's arsing about with teaching himself new things that won't be helpful for another couple of years etc rather than learning stuff he doesn't know that he needs now - like how to advertise and keep accounts etc.

I do really just want to go and get a job, I've even got a degree ffs but after 6 years out of f/t work I think I'm scared I won't get one anyway and with me not helping dp our measly wage would go down even more.

If he is taking anti-depressants and is STILL showing symptoms of depression, he needs to have a chat with his gp about adjusting the dosage.

My OH sleeps for England!

it drives me potty! He works different shifts sometimes has to be at work at 7am other times not till 3pm when he's up at 7 he doesn't go to bed to after midnight then gets up as late as possible and moans that he's tired! I hes woworking later then he doesn't get up until 10 and thats because ive had to go in and get him up like a mother getting her children up for school. If im not there he has been known to stay in his pit till 2pm!

He doesn't NEED that much sleep!! Im not bashing the occasional lie in but this is all the time and when the occasion arises that we both have the day off and id like to get out and enjoy the day its literally like trying to get a child up.

I also don't think sleeping that much can be good for you??

As you can probably tell I don't sleep much anyway and like to get up early and get on with things! especially at the moment being pregnant getting more than 5 hours is a joy but alas I have to lay there listening to him snoring the house down!

yanbu haha.

If he is sleeping that much, he is still depressed. He needs to go back to the Dr and ask for more help.

Do you like your dp JustABitTired?

He sounds bloody awful. Can you get out of the business and house and go off with your DS and live a peaceful and pleasant life?

BTW how old is DS?

I take it he goes to bed late therefore sleeps late. This would be the problem for me, if he wants 12 hours sleep then he needs to go to bed at 8 pm so he's available in the morning for his family.

Bet he won't though!

has he had tests to rule out underlying health conditions?

was he like this when you got together?

is your ds ok living like this?

Yes, he needs to go back to his GP.

That said, I love my sleep. If I could, I would happily sleep a good 10 hours a night at least and then potter for a couple of hours before getting up and about. But I don't, because I can't. I've got too much to do and it wouldn't be fair in my dh if he was picking up my slack all the time. And he wouldn't tolerate it either (as I wouldn't tolerate it from him).

Your dp sounds like he still lives the life of a single man but with home comforts. He's not really involved in family life etc. I'm sure that in many homes it is the mum who sorts out new clothes for the dc, does the nit checks etc. but then it is balanced out by the other parent noticing and taking control of other parts of family life.

The key word is balance. We all go through phases where the dp has to pick up the slack for a bit, but it is give and take. What would happen if you were ill and laid up in bed for a week? Would he step up or would stuff just be left for you to do later?

He may well be exhausted. I've got ME/cfs and there were men in my group who were struggling with work and family.

Or depression can be physically debilitating.

You can see what would be good for you but real exhaustion is awful. You just physically can't do much and it's horrid. I hate wanting to do things but not being able .

I'm under the doctors care but they can't wave a magic wand.

If he's sleeping that much then it probably is poor quality sleep because it is too much. If he got up off his arse and did more then he would sleep better because he needed it.

So 8 hours a night is fine.
He's plainly a bad candidate for self employment and would benefit from the regular lifestyle of employment and if he's making NMW then he could replace that income relatively easily.
You need to make lists and write down his responsibilities so that when he's making floating around asking you to organise him you can refer him to the manual rather than having to be his brain.

You're not married to my exH are you? He would happily go to bed about 8pm and then wouldn't wake until 11 or 12 the next day.
Drove me absolutely potty. I'd sit around waiting for him to get up so we could do something together, and by the time he got up and got ready, half the day would be gone and there wouldn't be any point going out.
Him and my dsd would both do the same and then moan that they were bored.
I gave up in the end and did things on my own. I'd tell them what times was leaving in the morning and if they weren't out of bed, they didn't come!

Why doesn't he just go to bed earlier? I need 10 hours sleep a night. I go to bed early to get it though as I have to be up at 7am during the week, it wouldn't be fair to expect DH to get up with them while I was still in bed.

Having said that, if he is so depressed that he cannot cope with getting out of bed, then he needs to get more help with this, as extra sleep will not help him.

He needs to go back to his GP. OP I'm currently sleeping 15 hours at a time because of my meds - I don't like it. I hate it. But otherwise I simply cannot function.

That said, because I'm out of work right now I do all the housework and cooking and cleaning because my DP works. Doesn't he do anything?

Depression is an illness like any other, so he may have no control over this.

But it doesn't mean you have to stay with him. I know it sounds harsh, but you are entitled to a happy life as well.

On a work night I get about 8 hours sleep, but one night a week I will have about 12 hours sleep and make a conscious effort to sleep as much as I need to on the weekend. I had CBT and saw a psychotherapist as part of my diagnosis for CFS about 10 years ago where I learnt that different people need different length of sleep, its not wrong to need more sleep than other people and that if you roughly balance it over a week then that's ok but if you carry on getting less sleep than you need that's when it starts affecting your health.

I think you're wrong for judging your DP for needing so much sleep but I don't think you're wrong for feeling the way you do about everything else. You need to work together to find a way to cope with his need for sleep (and his health generally as lurching from one bug to another doesn't sound like he's in great help) and your need for more support. Can you get some help like counselling or something to help you explore how you can do this? I agree it would be worth him going back to his GP with you to explain exactly how he is too to try and get some help and answers.

Was he like this when you met him? What on earth attracted you to him?

It certainly sounds like his 'business' should be the first thing to go. It's making no money and you would probably be better off as a family if he got his GP to give him a letter saying he's too ill to work (OK, current political climate might make this tricky but I think ATOS are in such disgrace now that it might not be quite so bad...)

That would free you up to get a better-paid job for yourself and get rid of the stress you have of trying to run the business with him as a dead weight (I imagine that you have to find all the clients, chase all the invoices and make all the apologies every time your DP is feeling too woofly to do any colouring in today...). If your DP is genuinely ill and actually reasonable rather than a lazy egotistical wanker, it might be worth him taking on some kind of leaflet-distribution or catalogue-delivering job. Doing those doesn't make much money, but it has the advantage of allowing flexible hours and getting the person who does the job outside so fresh air and exercise.

But it still might be best all round to end the relationship. He's obviously got good survival skills when it comes to getting women to run around after him...

Another one saying, close the wanky business and he can get a job in Maccy Ds on minimum wage, which will force him out of bed, and you can get a nicer job which will fund a cleaner.

And YY to back to the GP, that level of sleep isn't healthy. I like 10 hours but even I don't expect 13 every day. And I don't get 10 because- guess what?- I have to get up and go to work.

Hi OP, I feel (some of) your pain. My DH sleeps and sleeps too. I've just had a year of multiple night wakings for DD2 which I've done all by myself bar the few nights I nearly lost it and got him up. He doesn't sleep for 12 hours, but never gets up in the mornings, so he'll sleep about 2 hours later than me and the kids. I swore it wouldn't happen again after DD1 but it's been worse this time and the few nights I've insisted he get up he's moaned about it. I have been very angry about it for the last few months. I can't be bothered to wake him up either, it's just more hassle, but together with ongoing housework rubbish I feel like it's really damaged my view of our relationship. I've tried to say this to him, he thinks I'm just being melodramatic. Do you want to leave? A job outside could help a lot.

I do like DP but I don't like how shitty, run down and 'lost' with life I feel at the moment. I love him because he's genuinely very kind, intelligent and lovely, and would do anything I ask for me or ds, but it doesn't seem to get through to him that it would be MUCH better to do a few things he wasn't asked for instead.

He's honestly not taking the piss and enjoying having me running round, he's doing as much/working as hard as he knows how to, just isn't doing the right things to look after himself/work out what he needs to do for us & work/avoid getting so tired etc. The easiest thing I can compare it to is it's like he's on a treadmill, his depression and stress meaning he's putting effort in but not getting anywhere and putting too much effort into staying still without thinking he should do something else. If right now I listed all the housework that needs doing and told him to do it he would without a murmur, it's not that he doesn't want to do anything, but 9 times out of 10 he won't organise himself to make sure it's done himself and I don't want to be his 'boss' and housekeeper, telling him what to do when - maybe I should though?

When we met I suppose he was the same really but in very different circumstances so it wasn't so apparent. He was doing his degree too, we met at uni, and so had to be up/doing certain work to get through it and was very guided/regimented by his course and the unpaid work he had to do as part of it. Also, he had no-one to look after except himself and imo a lot of time/space to do that in (I know all students have it tough but if I did it with a child and a parent who needed care then it MUST be easier just to be free and single while doing it), so he was more able to keep on top of everything.

I agree he'd probably be much better with a NMW job, the original plan was to get one part-time and do his business part-time but something happened at a previous job (not his fault) and left him with very little confidence and he doesn't seem to be able to 'buck up' and use the little confidence he has got. That goes to silly extremes, like on many days family is the only contact he gets - I do all the email contacting with clients (hardly ever needs phone contact) and he literally just does the work. If I could get him a job myself and just shove him out to it I would and it would probably help but I can't.

DS doesn't seem to notice much tbh but I think it's subtly affecting him, we don't go out as much, I'm more stressed and shouty and he's getting more addicted to computer games, probably because I'm too knackered to do much with him.

Going back to the GP would be good, I know he's on the highest dose of his anti-depressants they're allowed to give out but they could at least give us some advice. He's had tests for thyroid etc but they came back fine.

As I've been typing he's actually washed up and taken the bins out but they both really needed doing so it was bloody obvious and now he'll be knackered for an hour when I've got to sort the online shop, respond to ds' bedtime requests (and probably shout at him to stay in bed), clear the kitchen etc etc etc, that dp won't notice needs doing until I do it.

I didn't think I wanted to leave, we're supposed to be getting married August 2015 but I don't know, I just don't have it in me to keep going like this and I want to be happier. He's honestly a lovely man and I know what effect the depression has but I'm burning out.

I'm really not sure he's 'lovely', you know. He sounds like a fucking lazy parasite who's all too ready to play the 'boohoo, poor fragile menkle me' card. The fact that he's not actually physically violent and doesn't call you a cunt or anything - that isn't 'lovely', that's bottom-of-the-barrel bare-minimum you should expect in a relationship.

Was your DS' father violent, by any chance? Or did you grow up with violence or bullying in the family? That sort of thing tends to set people's bar for 'abusiveness' really high.

At the moment, this man has a really cushy life. He gets to play at being a Graphic Designer (which by the sound of it he's shit at anyway) which sounds good and probably feeds some Special Snowflake I'm an ARTISTE part of his ego. He gets to do very little housework, so it's worth the occasional bit of exertion to do a task from time to time, milk the having done it for praise and possibly blowjobs, and if he doesn't get enough praise he will just wobble his bottom lip and complain he's not appreciated.
He gets to fanny about on the computer whenever he wants. He gets to feel 'important.' And he gets lots and lots of sleep.

Sleeping a lot can be an abuse indicator. It's certainly a way some people make sure the entire household revolves around them - kids have to be kept quiet, plans rearranged or cancelled, excuses made because nothing is allowed to interrupt Daddy's SLeeping.

He may have hypersomnia-a minority of depressives sleep all the time like this.

Whatever, he's not tackling the symptoms of his illness in anything like a constructive way. And he has to. How can he ask you to support him to the extent you do but not do the basics to put himself in a position to make a proper contribution? He's got to work at it: all the basics like exercise, diet, good sleep habits, talk therapy, monitoring drug treatment with GP. And he has to do it without prompting. It's his job, not yours.

Honestly, give him a time limit (in your head, if not explicitly) to get this in place. If he doesn't, move out, decouple the finances. By all means stay in a relationship with him if you really want to, but as his girlfriend, who gets the best of him, not his mother substitute/housekeeper.

solidgold your post is EXACTLY why I was in fucking tears because for a few weeks I literally could do nothing but sleep and lie on the sofa. Because people have the same thought process as you.

He could be an abusive prick. but from what the OP is telling us he isn't, he's a man suffering from a bloody horrible debilitating condition.