About 12 hours rest for a grown adult and other issues?

[JustABitTired]

I don't even know where to start, I could write a whole essay on life at the moment but want to keep it readable so sorry if I have to drip feed later. Basically, I feel like I've turned into an unpaid maid for dp and ds - I don't feel they're doing it intentionally but I don't know what to do about it.

DP spends up to 12-13 hours in bed/asleep if it's not a work day, but still manages 9 hours if it is, whereas I make do with 8-9 (possibly 10 for an exceptional 'lie-in' but that's very unusual). Sounds very 'LTB' and I have to qualify that he has had depression/anxiety going back to childhood and takes high dose anti-depressants which I know make him tired. Still, he manages when he has to get up earlier and tbh I think sleeping so long so often (every weekend and holiday day unless we have something to get up for, and as we're self employed every holiday day means EVERY school holiday day, even if we're supposed to be juggling work and childcare) just makes him more tired rather than less, which we've talked about often but then he forgets about again.

I could 'make' him get up early every day but I'm already feeling like the 24/7 mother of the house and don't want one more job to do. Plus I'd feel like a shit then if he's got a headache/feels knackered (has many disturbed nights with not sleeping well)/feels ill (lurches from one bug to the next) etc and I force him to get up (even though I force myself in the same circumstances). So for starters it doesn't help being the only parent up and doing things for 4 hours of the day (ds gets up earlier than me so not even chance for a bit of quiet time).

On top, as I say, it's unwritten that I have to be the mother of the house from the time I get up to when I get to sleep - without giving tonnes of examples the basic 'rule' seems to be if I don't notice it needs doing or organise doing it, it doesn't get done or gets glossed over. Ie, dp and ds would just eat the same 2-3 random rubbish meals for lunch/dinner if I didn't organise cooking and over the Easter holidays they'd have both spent the whole fortnight being bored/knackered (respectively) and playing on their computers, which I wouldn't have been happy with.

Plus dp and I work together, more out of need/circumstance (so I can help dp work) which makes me even more tired because while it's dp's dream job I'm not doing something I enjoy and we barely make minimum wage so it doesn't even pay enough to make us more comfortable, which would at least counteract some of the shitness.

I barely get any time 'off' and feel worn out myself but keep going because things need doing and I don't want us all to descend into living in filth and all being miserable (instead of just me I suppose!)

I'm so tired and fed-up and feel like I'm losing myself in all this, just becoming the stressed shouty housekeeper - but I don't know what to do about it. I tell dp how I feel and he listens brilliantly but then just doesn't know what to do about it - it seems unless I direct the two of them precisely they can't figure out anything for themselves!

Well, maybe, Nursey but he is not powerless to do anything about it and the status quo can't be maintained indefinitely-the OP is being used up until there's nothing left.

It could be the wrong meds. Dh has been on ads for most 20 years plus, also had depression as a child. He is now on sertraline but when he was on a different AD he would sleep all weekend. I noticed he would jump in his sleep a lot, so i dont think he got any good quality sleep. Once he changed to sertraline he stopped the jumping and needs a lot less sleep.

Also hevdoesnt need to do it himself. When dh was at his worst he needed me to get him to the gp and go with him. It helped as although he has seen some lovely gps who have been wonderful, one made him feel like he was skiving for a week off work and another was a bit dismissive until i put pressure on for a referal.

Nursey: You have already said that you do all the housework etc. That you were too ill to do so for a few weeks. The OP's partner has been moping around doing fuck all to improve the situation for years.

And I bet you don't insist your DP supports you in some self-indulgent failing business as well as doing all the domestic work indefinitely.

I'm sorry you're ill. I'm not claiming that depression doesn't exist, or that people who have it need to pull themselves together. However the OP's DP has been milking his alleged depression for years and doing nothing to help himself.

Sorry SGB I do realise I put a lot of personal feeling into that post that I shouldn't have, but I just feel that sometimes people think it's very wash and dry when it really isn't. I don't have to tell you this anyway because I know from reading your posts on here you're clued up.

I agree he does need to buck up, and if this is a case of him being depressed he needs to get help. No-one can help him but himself and wallowing will make it worse for himself and the OP.