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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to hear about DM's partner at all?

33 replies

CundtBake · 26/04/2014 09:05

My parents separated a few months ago after 25 years of marriage because my DM had an affair.

She moved out and moved straight in with her partner (who also left his wife). My DF has been left heartbroken, confused and feeling very stupid. The man my mum is seeing was a friend of hers she knew from a hobby they shared, and had been to their house numerous time when my DF was also there while their affair was going on.

I am of course devastated, and fuming that my DF has been disrespected so much. My DM and I had a very very close relationship (I'd suspected something was up for a while before it kicked off) and now, while I stay in contact with her because she's my mum I don't want to hear anything about her new partner or what they have been up to etc. I don't want to go to the house they now share together and it feels strange not being able to go to my own mums house.

They have been on various weekends away which makes me angry as my dad has been left not being able to afford treats like that, he's at home heartbroken and they're flying off for long weekends. I just don't want to hear anything about him which means my mum can't tell me much about what she's been up to. She mentioned that she hates having a kind of separate life that I know nothing about but I can't bring myself to want to hear it.

Aibu?

I'm really sorry if this is a bit jumbled, I get upset when u think about it

OP posts:
rainbowfeet · 26/04/2014 09:13

Quite understandable for you to feel like this & your DM should not be expecting anymore of you just yet.

Hopefully time will heal a little bit for you & I'm sure in a few months or years when you see your dad happy once again the pain you feel will lessen.

My step Dad's ex wife cheated with a neighbour he too was left penniless while she paraded around like a teenager!! For him & their children my step siblings it was only time that healed the wounds she'd created & now they can all actually sit around together & be civil.. Took about 5 years for that to happen though.

Original poster
CundtBake · 26/04/2014 09:17

The thing is I don't even want things to be civil with this man. My DM keeps repeating 'things will be better in time' which just makes me angrier! They've acted appallingly I don't want to be ok with it.

And yes parading around like a teenager rings true for my DM at the moment too Sad

OP posts:
ithaka · 26/04/2014 09:19

It is very early days, just give yourselves time.

I experienced similar but worse, as I was a teenager still living at home when my mum moved out. The family home had to be sold and she moved into a 1 bed flat with her new man, so it was clear I was not a welcome addition to her exciting new life.

30 years later my relationship with my mum is good. Sadly, she married the new man, who is an absolute arse of the highest order and treats her like shit. So now I have to be a shoulder to cry on while she bleats about her husband.

Give yourself time, but do be aware you probably will need to get to know and learn to be civil to her new partner if you want to keep a relationship with your mum. At least you are an adult, so can back off and give yourself space and time to do that.

WooWooOwl · 26/04/2014 09:39

YANBU.

Your mum will just have to accept her share of the hurt she's caused, she sounds incredibly selfish. Tell her how you feel and avoid seeing her until you feel a bit better. That might not come until you can see that your Dad has got his life back on track though.

Deftones · 26/04/2014 09:44

YANBU

My dad did the same as your mum. We speak to him but he knows not to speak about his new wife due to her behaviour (they are BOTH to blame in this case). We keep it civil but he knows the boundaries and thus far respected them

harriet247 · 26/04/2014 09:54

Yanbu-are you me?? Im going through the exact samr thing, im still hurt from all her lying and my dad is really really hurt. Esp that she eont speak to him anymore.

Cant offer any advice but sending you a big old hug.

VulvaVoom · 26/04/2014 10:08

I can really empathise with this.

My DF had an affair in 2008 and is now married to the OW. Lots went on inc abusive calls to my DM from OW and I loathed her.

The hatred has subsided over the years (and my DM is now married again herself) but I do not have a full part in my Dad's life because of her.

Me and DBro see him without her and have never met her. I understand that DF has a part in this too and lost some respect for him.

I find it very hard to reconcile this, especially as he has a grandchild who he doesn't see much.

It's very difficult and I imagine you have hard times ahead, I would probably suggest you have some counselling to talk things through.

Sorry this has happened to you, I think people underestimate how stressful this can be, even when you're an adult yourself, it's dreadful and makes you question everything.

OMGtwins · 26/04/2014 10:17

I might get flamed for this, but for someone to have an affair something has to be missing/wrong at home first and the two people in the original relationship haven't communicated about it to either sort it out or to split before any new relationship is formed.

I guess what I'm saying (in complete ignorance of what happened with your parents) is that yanbu for not wanting to hear about your mum's new man for now.

However, both people in a relationship are responsible for it's health and survival and it's easier to blame the person who did something (ie had an affair, which for the record I do think is the wrong thing to do) rather the the person who didn't do something; but that lack of something could have been a large contributing factor to the action of the other person who did do something IYSWIM. No-one will ever really know what caused the affair to happen except those involved, but your Mum isn't entirely to blame and your Dad isn't entirely the victim in this, even though he is the one who's most obviously struggling at the moment.

Original poster
CundtBake · 26/04/2014 10:25

I didn't mention that when the affair started my DF was very very unwell with bad depression. He'd been very ill for a while and although I understand it must have been difficult to be married to him at that time, I don't think it's fair to blame him in any way.

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 26/04/2014 10:29

Ime single older men are often nearly trampled underfoot when they go out and start socializing so I would concentrate on encouraging DF to get a life. But be prepared for a new stepmum

By all means stay away from DM's 'fun' for the time being but if DF was happy you might not care so much about what she says about her 'new' life.

doziedoozie · 26/04/2014 10:30

sorry, meant trampled underfoot in the rush of new lady suitors

WanderingAway · 26/04/2014 10:35

OMGtwins - what a load of rubbish. You are basically saying that it is ok to have an affair and blame your partner for it.

fairylightsintheloft · 26/04/2014 10:55

My mil had an affair twenty five years ago. She and the om are still together and its only been in the last five or so years that his grown up daughters have got back into regular contact. Totally understandable that you dont want to hear all about the fun your mum is having but given time, it would be good if you could come to a civil relationship with her new partner. Decades down the line you may have to deal with him regarding your mum's health or even estate and a hostile or non contact relationship will make that v difficult. In the meantime, just try to support your dad and stay out of it as much as you can...no telling tales of what your mum is up to or venting, even if you think you are 'siding' with him, its happened and all parties need to find a way of moving forward. 25 years later we still have to deal with tense and jealous relations between mil and fil - sharing out grandhild time equally, remembering whose turn it is to come to birthdays etc. Best of luck

TheCraicDealer · 26/04/2014 11:15

When she mentions how she hates having a separate life then I'd put it on the line with her and say, "well Mum that was the choice you made when you left dad for OM, and it's going to be that way for the foreseeable future". I couldn't share air space with a man (who in my eyes) had split my family in two, not until the feelings were much less raw than they are now.

My mum had an on/off affair from I was 11 until I was nearly 19. Shortly before it ended the shit hit the fan and it looked like dad would make her leave if she didn't finally draw a line under it. I told her that in no uncertain terms that if she left us and set up with OM that she wouldn't be seeing DTwin or I for a very, very long time. I think this, coupled with the fact OM was a complete ballbag, was what finally made her end it.

Hopefully if you're honest with her it'll make her stop trying to force a relationship with him now. I feel so bad for your dad, but hopefully once he's had some time (you all need time) he'll find some happiness too.

OMGtwins · 26/04/2014 11:22

Wandering, really I'm not. I knew people would misinterpret what I've said. I stated on my post very clearly I do think having affairs is wrong.

However, hard though it is people never really know what's happening in a relationship behind closed doors.
I'll say it again, choosing to exit a relationship via an affair is really wrong, but I do believe the reasons to leave a relationship exist before an affair, whether they have been easier or not. I am categorically not saying that someone is right to have one instead of sticking around and trying to fix it or splitting up without having an affair.

OMGtwins · 26/04/2014 11:23

easier = raised

Fizzybangfanny · 26/04/2014 11:29

omg behave! People choose to have affairs when the other partner suspects nothing or the relationship is fine.

Your actually victim blaming.

The only blame that should be awarded is to the cheater. It stops there.

CoffeeTea103 · 26/04/2014 11:32

In your case op I would actually tell your dm that you don't want any part of her life with her new man. She behaved disgustingly and why should you now act like water under the bridge. You should support your df more than ever and she can go have a life with this new man.

OMGtwins · 26/04/2014 11:56

Fizzy, I'm really not victim blaming, how many times do I have to say choosing to have an affair is wrong, wrong, wrong. I've said it in every post.

OMGtwins · 26/04/2014 12:06

OP v sorry for causing any offence through poorly worded postings when ignorant of what was is really happening. This situation is rubbish for you and your DF and I hope you get through it ok. I would never blame him for your mum having an affair, it was her choice as other people have rightly pointed out, and I'm sorry if I gave that impression.

LouiseAderyn · 26/04/2014 12:33

OMG I sort of see what you are saying - that there are underlying issues within the relationship. Sometimes that's true but the person having the affair makes a conscious choice to go outside the relationship rather than either try to fix things at home or be honest and leave.

Sometimes people having affairs will openly admit they were happily married and did it anyway. Some people cheat just because they can.

Cheating is usually indicative of a selfish personality, where the cheater tells themselves they are entitled on some level to do as they please and is often accompanied by blaming their partner because no one wants to think of themselves as capable of screwing over someone who really didn't deserve it.

OP - I am really sorry this has happened to your family. I think that cheating on someone who is ill is really low and in your position I wouldn't want to hear about her new life either.

I think I would tell her that I would respect her more if she didn't leave your dad in financial trouble because of her choices and that she just has to live with you not being thrilled about her new life, which is built on your dad's unhappiness.

hackmum · 26/04/2014 12:54

YANBU, but sadly I think you will eventually come to terms with it, just because life will be so difficult otherwise.

Your post also made me think how awful it must be when this happens to children or teenagers, who not only have to put up with the new partner but are often expected to live with them. And then we wonder why they behave badly.

cingolimama · 26/04/2014 13:10

Sorry OP, I'm hugely sympathetic to this situation, but I feel YABU and I think everyone's being terribly judjemental here. What you're going through must be very painful. Your loyalty to your father, despite (or because of) his illness is laudable.

However, you are an adult. So is your mother. She was clearly unhappy in her marriage. It may have been very very painful for her to make this decision. I doubt very much that she made this decision lightly.

You are clearly hurt. You clearly love your family (even your mother). Could you try and see it from her perspective? This may be her last chance to have a fulfilling romantic relationship.

cingolimama · 26/04/2014 13:13

BTW, I agree with OMG. Sometimes of course, it's true that the one who has the affair is a narcissistic arsehole and the spouse is blameless. But a lot of the time, it's a more complex situation, with each side contributing to distance and alienation that makes affairs attractive. This isn't victim blaming.

luckiestgirlintheworld · 26/04/2014 13:25

"However, you are an adult. So is your mother. She was clearly unhappy in her marriage. It may have been very very painful for her to make this decision. I doubt very much that she made this decision lightly."

Oh I so agree with this. You have to do what's right for you in life and I can't help but sympathise with your DM who has made a bloody hard decision to make herself happy. She should be happy. She shouldn't stay in a marriage she doesn't want to be in. She should be with the man she loves. Surely?

I'm really sorry if that comes across as harsh. It would be tough to show acceptance, I just believe it's the right thing to do.