To not want to hear about DM's partner at all?

[CundtBake]

My parents separated a few months ago after 25 years of marriage because my DM had an affair.

She moved out and moved straight in with her partner (who also left his wife). My DF has been left heartbroken, confused and feeling very stupid. The man my mum is seeing was a friend of hers she knew from a hobby they shared, and had been to their house numerous time when my DF was also there while their affair was going on.

I am of course devastated, and fuming that my DF has been disrespected so much. My DM and I had a very very close relationship (I'd suspected something was up for a while before it kicked off) and now, while I stay in contact with her because she's my mum I don't want to hear anything about her new partner or what they have been up to etc. I don't want to go to the house they now share together and it feels strange not being able to go to my own mums house.

They have been on various weekends away which makes me angry as my dad has been left not being able to afford treats like that, he's at home heartbroken and they're flying off for long weekends. I just don't want to hear anything about him which means my mum can't tell me much about what she's been up to. She mentioned that she hates having a kind of separate life that I know nothing about but I can't bring myself to want to hear it.

Aibu?

I'm really sorry if this is a bit jumbled, I get upset when u think about it

Where the mother is going wrong ( affair aside) is in expecting her dd to share all this and be happy for her and is forgetting that the OP is having to cope with the dad's devastation. The mum is not seeing that every day and can conveniently forget that her happiness has come at a huge cost to the OPs dad.

YADNBU to feel this way. When parents make choices about their relationships, ending them, taking new partners, as well as the benefits of those choices they also have to deal with the consequences, including understanding that their children (at any age) will have feelings about it and may find their choices difficult or distressing and may be unhappy about them. It's an inconvenient part of the fun of a new relationship but frankly, tough. Many parents (mine included) would prefer to just skim over this part and expect their children to just be happily co operative and accepting, and can try with their behaviour to get that co operation quicker without having to do the work of listening to or understanding those feelings. (DF I'm looking at you.)

It doesn't work like that. It takes time to work through feelings, this is a complicated situation, of course you're going to have split loyalties and feel more loyalty for the parent who has the worse share of this change, and it is hard for you. You may, in time when you've processed this more, feel differently and want to make different choices. You may not. It's going to depend very much on how you view the situation at the time, there isn't a 'right' or 'wrong' answer.

Honestly? YANBU to feel this way but YABU to act on it. I'm really sorry about what's happened but your parents can't stay married just because you want them to.

You're telling us that your DM stuck with your DF through bad depression - that isn't easy and I wonder if you've recognised what that must have been like for her? Right now you are putting your DF on a pedestal.

You need to deal with the situation that is, and let go of what isn't. And I wonder why you are so focused on your DF's feelings at the expense of your DM.

I will confess I don't understand why people react like this, if your DM is happy I don't get why you can't try to be happy for her.

If Mum wasn't happy she could have left and been alone - then she would have been free to start a new relationship. It isn't often the leaving which is the bitterest pill to swallow - but the betrayal and the lies.

OP - you don't have to approve of what she has done. It is not your job to make things right. I hope your Dad is ok.

I consider cheating an abuse.
My ex put me and his siblings in an awkward situation as no one (5 years since our split) wants to tell his elderly parents we aren't together any more!

Ex's siblings treat me exactly the same way as they did before in regards to making me feel I am still part of their family.

By cheating he made my life harder than if he went ahead and split with me and then started dating.

I know that my kids never wanted to meet his gf (they split, he has another one) and made their relationship harder as he decided to tell the kids why he left.

Unnecessary fast growing process for kids at the expense of him feeling he did the right thing telling them.
Lots of other selfish things as well he did.

As someone said above - cheating is sign of selfishness and learning that about your own parents is tough for the kids.

I am in a similar family situation - my H ran off with another woman six months ago, my daughter(24) wants nothing to do with him, she has no respect for him at all any more (partly because of all the deceit that went on while he was having his affair which involved lying to her as well as me) My DS (29) has minimal contact withhim but doesn;t want to cut him out of his life completely - my son was not at home while the deceit and gas lighting were going on so is less affect.

Neither of them ever want to meet the other woman who my H intends to marry and have children with, - or to have anything to do with any half brothers/sisters. That is what they say now - it may change, what they choose to do is their business, he is their father and they have a different relationship with him from a spouse.

As for the victim blaming upthread - my H and I had a good relationship in every way I thought, I can pin point the exact time he met OW - he began to behave oddly - being rude to me, spending hours on the computer (he was talking to her online) I asked him if he was unhappy - answer 'no of course not' was he depressed or unwell 'no he was fine' I asked if he wanted to see a relate counsellor together - 'no we are just going through a bad patch, we will be fine' - this was 3 weeks before he left.

When he came back he said I was the kindest nicest person he knew, I understood him better than anyone ever would, but he didn;t love me. He wanted to be with some one young (I am 54 as is he, OW is 32) he wanted someone healthy (I am five years in to cancer treatment, with long term effects on my health). Apparently I don;t need a husband I need a carer.

So I tried to communicate -and was brushed off. I can;t make myself younger or healthier which appear to be my main faults.

Decent people end one relationship before they start another. Decent people don;t lie and gaslight. Bastards try to have their cake and eat it, - they want to make sure they have something lined up before they move on.
My H takes absolutely no responsibility for the hurt and distress he has caused at all. He says 'its not about anyone else, its about me and what I want' Ultimately he is totally selfish.

OP - I feel for you, as I feel for my own children put in this horrible position.I don;t know if time will heal, in many ways Ihope it does, - I don;t want my children to lose their father just because I have lost my partner. But if it is ever going to happen I think it will take years not months. Your DM needs to face up to what she has done and wait patiently without pressuring you, so you have time to work through all your feelings about her.

OP I feel your pain. DP and I are currently going through this with FIL. He had an affair and is always asking if he and OW can come to see our DD (4.5mo) or sending texts and birthday cards "love from me and OW". He also threw his toys out the pram when we informed him OW is not welcome at our wedding. I had to explain that he had made a choice, and that choice had consequences. He needed to give everyone time to come around to OW on their own, and by ramming it down our throats and forcing the issue, it was having the opposite effect. He blustered a bit and sulked for a few weeks but now has dropped mentioning her all the time and visits on his own.