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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is any of this unreasonable?! Me or him!

29 replies

mananahammock · 25/04/2014 21:38

NC for obvious reasons.

Okay, so I am a nanny. My employers are separated and therefore live in separate homes. It's quite a recent split.

The children are with Mum, so I work in Mum's home. I have never been to Dad's home. I work alongside the Dad quite often though and have a good working relationship with both parents.

Anyway, during small talk with the Dad today, he was talking about his house. I asked in passing what it's like, and he said 'you should come over and see it.' I thought he meant to tag along when the kids go over, so I said 'yeah cool!'
He then said 'yeah I'll cook us dinner one evening. We can watch a DVD maybe in front of the fire.'
At the time I didn't really take in what he said. I was just thinking of a night when I don't have to cook for once if I'm honest!!

Not long after the conversation, my friend text asking how my day was going. I dropped the meal into conversation and her response was 'that's fucking weird, you're not gonna go are you?'
So I started to question myself. I thought he might forget he'd asked or something so it didn't matter anyway. But then later in the day, the Dad said 'so, how about Tuesday night for dinner?'
I think it's gone too far now for me to change my mind!

So, do you think he is unreasonable to invite his nanny over in the evening? Or do you think it's unreasonable for me to be worrying about it?!

I know he is really lonely at the moment so I'd feel horrible not going and imagining him on his own at home. But what would the Mum say/think?!

Help!

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 25/04/2014 21:40

You say 'sorry I misunderstood, I thought you meant with the kids. It would be inappropriate to just come over on my own. Thanks anyway'.

emsyj · 25/04/2014 21:40

I would interpret his invitation to dinner as a romantic overture - he's making a pass at you. Unless you are desperately interested in him romantically and keen to get a new job, I would tell him kindly and firmly that it wouldn't be appropriate and, whilst of course (lying slightly) you know he isn't trying to make a move on you, it might appear to be so to his ex wife and you wouldn't like to create an atmosphere.

Doubtfuldaphne · 25/04/2014 21:40

It's definitely weird - and very very wrong
He's over stepping the boundaries and imagine what the mum would say when she found out
He could be doing it just to piss off his ex wife
Don't risk your job!

LEMmingaround · 25/04/2014 21:41

You absolutely must not go. 1. He wants in your knickers. 2. Can you imagine what your other employers eould say? I csn she'd sack you. Dont be so niave

susiedaisy · 25/04/2014 21:42

Don't go. You need to stay professional the children are your main priority. It will get messy IMO and you could end up loosing your job.

WooWooOwl · 25/04/2014 21:42

Awkward, but you have to maintain professionalism. Say what Ribena said, and but if you have to soften it say you'd still like the opportunity to see when you're with the children.

LettertoHermioneGranger · 25/04/2014 21:43

It hasn't gone too far to change your mind. Ribena's reply is good. It would be massively inappropriate, he is your employer and you care for his children. Best to be completely firm now, don't leave any room for him to repeatedly ask you or flirt with you. This is not a situation you want to get in. He should not have asked you in the first place.

mananahammock · 25/04/2014 21:47

Also, to add, I am leaving the job soon as the post is coming to a natural end.
I don't have long left so was hoping to just put it off until I left, and I find it really weird to think of him trying to 'get in my knickers!' .....but then that's probably because I've only ever looked at him in a professional light...

OP posts:
frogslegs35 · 25/04/2014 21:49

He wants to get it on the nanny.
He ibu and so would you be if you went to his.

Fine to accompany the children.
Not fine to go there alone.
It will be even more awkward for you if he makes a pass at you that you have to rebuff rather than now telling him you're not coming.

PrudenceH · 25/04/2014 21:50

You mention it's a recent split. Have you been employed solely by the Mum or by both Mum and Dad before the split.

If the first one then he might be trying to wind his ex wife up?

I don't understand if you have never been to his house you work alongside him? Is he coming to his ex's house to see the children whilst you are working?

Sounds like he is making a pass a you, it may be because he is lonely, or wants to piss his ex off or he just genuinely likes you.

Tread very carefully

frogslegs35 · 25/04/2014 21:51

Ha ha - that should say get it on With the nanny.

mananahammock · 25/04/2014 21:52

That's a very good point frogslegs.
Prudence - yes, he comes to ex' house to see kids. I am employed by both parents.

OP posts:
CundtBake · 25/04/2014 21:52

Maybe I'm very cynical but I suspect you knew exactly what his intentions were.

NorthLDNgal · 25/04/2014 21:54

I think if you value your job don't go. It will get messy and if you do go and nothing happens he'll think you've strung him along in his vulnerable state. Best to keep out of it and focus on your job.

mananahammock · 25/04/2014 21:59

Cundt, I can assure you I didn't. Didn't even occur to me until after friend's comment. I do have a tendency to say 'yeah that's fine!' in the moment to most things though (favours for friends, duties at work that sort of thing) and then realising later that I don't want to do it or it's not convenient or whatever.
I think 'shit why did I agree to that' FAR too often. This has maybe highlighted that I need to think before I speak in future...!

OP posts:
Notfootball · 25/04/2014 22:00

I'm surprised that he said all that and it did not click with you. It's not too "far gone" to say no, just say what Ribena said.

LettertoHermioneGranger · 25/04/2014 22:01

I want to add, since you mention you're leaving the job soon anyway - for the children's sake I would not get involved whether or not you continue to be their nanny.

breatheslowly · 25/04/2014 22:04

Ribena put it perfectly.

Even if you are leaving - don't you want it to be a pleasant end to your job? I'd be concerned about your reference (or phone reference) and also that you'd miss out on the little things, like knowing how the kids are getting on.

PrudenceH · 25/04/2014 22:04

If my boss asked me round to his and suggested cooking me a meal and watching a dvd in front of the fire, even as a naive 17 year old, I would have thought 'date'

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 25/04/2014 22:08

Sorry op. I just don't believe you thought that a normal request off an employer. To question something you thought yourself was weird? Fine. To pretend you knew nothing before a friend said yikes?! Tres tres strange...

mananahammock · 25/04/2014 22:10

Yes you're right breatheslowly.
I think as an outsider it's possibly easier to spot signs like this? I still can't imagine him doing that to his ex wife though of even thinking I might be interested in him Confused
Also, surely you guys must know what it's like when people are talking to you when you are with the kids. Constantly interrupted convo, 'what did you say?'s over the sound of train track banging together etc. not everything registers.

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 26/04/2014 08:04

Oh please you can't be that naive! Off course you know what his intentions are and you were considering it.
It's totally unprofessional of you! And the poor mum might actually think something was going on all along if she finds out. Hmm

RandomMess · 26/04/2014 08:08

Oh dear, I am genuinely that naive. I am rubbish and reading signs until it's very obvious and then have to apologise my way out of it!!!

I'm just sort of "oblivious", I really wish I wasn't!

lunar1 · 26/04/2014 08:10

I think you would struggle to get a reference from the mum if you go for a date with her ex, its so unprofessional.

fairylightsintheloft · 26/04/2014 08:17

slightly Hmm at all the people saying they don't believe the OP and she can't be THAT naive. Why not? Just cos you're not doesn't mean everyone is the same. She wouldn't have posted what she did if she was lying. She'd have posted "Employer wants to get it on, what do I do?" OP I agree this is unlikely to end well. Unless you really like this guy and want to pursue something with him, just make your excuses as Ribena suggested and ride it out til the end of the job.

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