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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset not to be a bridesmaid?

35 replies

Dazedconfused · 25/04/2014 15:03

I know I am but still feeling a bit sad.

My best friend called me last week to say she was engaged and getting married in January. I am delighted for her. She mentioned quite quickly that because I would be busy with baby on the day (due in Sept) and she was going to have small wedding one of our other friends was going to be only bridesmaid. I said no problem. Then three days later she phoned to say would be no children so could I organise a babysitter (my dm has agreed) which I am fine with (will probably be first night away with no baby after the birth) but has made me slightly upset about the bridesmaid thing.

we have been friends since we were 11 and always said we would be each other's and she was mine two years ago and just feel a wee bit sad now.

please feel free to tell me am being over emotional and I'll blame the hormones

OP posts:

FantaSea · 25/04/2014 15:06

YANBU I was upset when my SIL didn't have me as a bridesmaid and had 3 other bridesmaids. It sounds pathetic to admit, but my feelings were really hurt as she had said for years that I was the sister she never had had. I think you have every right to feel hurt and the hormones probably make it worse. I am still bristling 25 years on!

RahRahRasputin · 25/04/2014 15:14

YANBU to be upset, you can't control your emotions. But unfortunately there's not much you can do. It is disappointing when you've both said it for so long and she was yours.

I think traditional bridesmaids are unmarried? Me and my cousin said we would be each other's and then I remember my gran saying something about it. I hope my cousin has forgotten as I wouldn't choose her now

You can still be there to celebrate her special day and enjoy yourself though. And you can choose your own dress instead of whatever she chooses

It's a bit odd of her to say you'd be busy with baby and then say baby can't come though, perhaps everything is still very up in the air and she will realise later, or perhaps it was an excuse

maras2 · 25/04/2014 15:18

You've every right to be upset She sounds a bit thoughtless.I'm sure that you'll be the bigger person though and celebrate her day appropriately < but dressed in your own choice of clothing > :)

Melonbreath · 25/04/2014 15:24

Yanbu. And there's no way i could have left my baby overnight at that age as she was breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle.
I don't see why you can't take the baby, I went to a no children wedding with mine as babies don't take up a seat and don't eat the food/drink.

thebodydoestricks · 25/04/2014 15:25

Totally understand. Maybe as been said she's at really early planning stage and not really thought it through.

You could be the matron of honour.

Still go, enjoy and you might be relived when you see the dresses!

Summerbreezing · 25/04/2014 15:28

The fact that she went to so much trouble to explain why she wasn't choosing you as a bridesmaid would indicate she's well aware that you were expecting to be asked. So to ring a few days later with information that made it obvious her explanation had been just an excuse seems incredibly tactless and thoughtless.

However, nothing you can do about it really. Maybe the real reason will come out later. My best friend had said I would be Godmother to her first child. Then she asked her sister. Over a few drinks at Christmas the sister revealed that she had to 'beg' to be her niece's Godmother because my friend wanted to ask me. You just don't know why people make the decisions they do.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 25/04/2014 15:35

Look on the bright side. You get to hang out with your DP for the whole day, and sit together during the meal. You get to choose an outfit of your choice. And the day is about enjoying yourself, not having to think if anybody other than your DP.

Personally, I prefer be a guest rather than a bridesmaid.

Original poster

Dazedconfused · 25/04/2014 15:37

Thanks everyone. She is quite a dizzy person and plans and ideas come and go with her quite quickly so she probably hasnt thought. She was quite pushy when I got proposed to, she kind of guessed it had happened on holiday and text saying so am I going to be a bridesmaid. we are no very traditional bunch and woof mine were married but ach I'll have a cry and some chocolate then look at pretty dresses that I might fit again.....

I am contemplating taking my mum with me or seeing if she can come with the caravan as I don't want to miss the day but am a bit worried about being away overnight

OP posts:

Kundry · 25/04/2014 15:38

It's rather sad when she went to such an effort to tell you the only reason you weren't a bridesmaid was that you'd be looking after your baby.

Depending on your friendship you might be able to joke with her than you are now free for bridesmaid duties. But if she's gone a bit bridezilla then both of you may get very emotional and regret it.

Best probably to say nothing. In years to come you may have a moment where you can tell her how much you missed being her bridesmaid.

Original poster

Dazedconfused · 25/04/2014 15:41

two of not woof.

I'll enjoy a bit of time with Dh and we have v different ideas re fashion so it could be a blessing.

I agree about the coming up with an excuse though which is the bit that hurt because I'm a very reasonable person so if she just said she wanted the other person I would have been ok (well still a little upset but I prefer honesty)

OP posts:

snickers251 · 25/04/2014 15:46

Similar thing happened to me. My bf told me the date for the wedding the day I told her I was pregnant

I was due a month before but despite being kind of glad to not have to worry about watching weight etc and could concentrate on my baby it still hurt. She did ask me to do a reading tho so am sure she was just as upset tbh I was with her while she got ready and helped her do bits behind the scenes on the day so I felt important to her (even tho it was her day lol)

Hers was a child free day too and it was a little hard leaving him but I enjoyed the day none the less.

2 years later she was my maid of honour and I wonder why I was so upset she's still one of my bf

gobbynorthernbird · 25/04/2014 15:50

Being a bridesmaid is often not just a one day job. It may well be that your friend wants more input/help in the time leading up to the wedding. If this is the case, then maybe she thinks you won't be able to organise the hen night, be available for dress fittings, etc.

Original poster

Dazedconfused · 25/04/2014 15:55

I know is not one day, but kind of being roped in for duties anyway going dress shopping next week and I'm organising the hen because the other person is away a lot. I am a ridiculously organised person so I hardly notice when planning things. Ach it's nice to be involved

OP posts:

babybarrister · 25/04/2014 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brummiegirl15 · 25/04/2014 16:45

I'm a bridesmaid for my sister in the summer and I have to say, I really wish I wasn't. Whilst I loved the idea of being one, the reality really ain't that great.

I despise my dress, and I mean truly despise my dress. Because I'm telling you it's all about what the bride wants. You get no say at all. Plus the other bride is a skinny bird, 9 years younger and all tanned and long legs. And I look fucking dreadful next her.

I do feel like I'm a bridesmaid because I "should" be, but I actually wished I could have gone and bought a gorgeous outfit with a fabulous hat and felt glam on my sisters big day because I'm thrilled for her that's she getting her big day.

However I was told I wasn't allowed to get pregnant before her wedding as she didn't want a bump in the pics. Fuck off was my answer

As it happens I'm not pregnant yet, but that is because it hadn't happened yet, and not because of a request.

Be careful what you wish for OP because it ain't all that.

Original poster

Dazedconfused · 25/04/2014 16:53

i have never heard of that tradition but fine flame me. course I know our friendship will be fine because no i am not 10!! just felt a bit sad, just had some chocolate and gave myself a quick word and now I feel much better

OP posts:

MiniSoksMakeHardWork · 25/04/2014 17:48

Re the reaction, maid of honour is Un-married. Matron of honour is married. I did a lot of research into that when I was main of honour/chief bridesmaid for my best friend. One of our other friends (who was married) and bf's mil to be were insistent that the married one be chief bridesmaid as it was traditional. Bf wasn't having any of it and was getting very upset at feeling cornered into something she didn't want. We poured over all the wedding traditions books and not one of them said a married woman had to be chief. The only thing they all said was maid and matron differentiated whether the chief was married or not. As it happens the mad one decided not to be bridesmaid at all and then threatened to turn up at church and ruin the day. So I and other friends were on mad woman watch to ensure the service went smoothly.

Being maid of honour was lovely, and my bf is a very laid back woman. But she was the only person I wanted to be bm for and unfortunately due to having no attendants at mine and she having to travel with a 2 week baby, she wasn't able to return the favour. However she has done that more than tenfold since and we remain very best friends.

babybarrister · 25/04/2014 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

handcream · 25/04/2014 18:54

I am going to put my tin hat on but when I said no children at our wedding I particularly meant no babies.

Over the years those are the ones that have cried, sat at the front (to see the bride etc) and generally drowned out the vows etc. If a invite specifiied no children then that includes babies doesnt it? Its not their fault. But I didnt want my wedding vows not heard.

I know all will say 'well of course I would leave if my baby started crying' really would you. The weddings I went to the Mums were staying put.....

cowsarescary · 25/04/2014 18:57

Frankly, I'd be saying 'Oh I really shouldn't be organizing the hen night / dress shopping / etc, because I'd really hate to tread on X's toes, she's your bridesmaid, and it might upset her ...'

Kundry · 25/04/2014 19:51

Not being the bridesmaid I think I could kind of suck up, but then being expected to do a load of stuff the bridesmaid is too busy for?

I think I'd start making comments along cowsarescary's lines "Don't you want X to do this with you? - I mean I'm not your bridesmaid after all and this is a bridesmaid job surely?"

NorthLDNgal · 25/04/2014 19:58

YANBU.

If it's something you had always discussed then I think it's understandable to feel upset.

My best friend from school didn't choose me but another friend because she had been a bridesmaid for her and knew that our other friend would be really upset if she wasn't chosen. When she explained I could understand it and it made sense although I was a bit disappointed. Add to that I was put on a table with people I didn't know at the back of the reception room because she didn't like my boyfriend of the time and thought he might get drunk. Even that I could understand too.

To say that she didn't choose you because she thought you'd be busy with the baby even though she's asked you to get a babysitter doesn't quite add up unless she thinks you won't be available for all the pre-wedding bridesmaid stuff.

I hope it doesn't ruin your friendship. Might be worth having a heart to heart with her though if you value the friendship.

All the best for you and your baby - that sounds way more exciting!

wheresthelight · 25/04/2014 19:58

I totally understand!! I stepped down as bridesmaid for my sister as I found out I was pregnant and dd would only have been 10-12 weeks old so still very dependent on me but it still smarted that she so readily agreed.

I have to say I was and still am more pissed off that my Dm declined my invite to one hen do for her and never told me about it til after the event and then when her best friend arranged a second one she never bothered to invite anyone but proceeded to post all over Facebook how much fun she was having at my sisters hen weekend!!

Weddings are a bloody nightmare!!

threepiecesuite · 26/04/2014 10:22

My dd was bridesmaid for my brother and sil when she was a baby. Two of SILs friends were also chosen.

About a month later, I was asked too. I knew it was an afterthought and probably the result of someone having a word. I had to accept but it felt a bit weird.

Weddings can be a nightmare.

Gennz · 26/04/2014 10:30

I didn't ask my best friend of (at the time) 22 years (since we were 5) as I really wanted to keep it low key and only had my sister. I think it hurt her feelings and I am sorry about that but I'm still glad I only had one BM.

I always think it's unreasonable when people exclude babies from weddings, especially when they are v young e.g. under 6 months and might never have been left before.

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