Did I Do The Right Thing?

[UnderIce]

I've namechanged for this and not sure if AIBU is the right forum but have never really posted anywhere else on Mumsnet, please let me know if you think I should post it somewhere else.

Anyway, my DS is 12, almost 13 and is a happy, well adjusted, well liked popular boy. I have no concerns about him on a day to day basis.

He bought himself an IPad Mini with his Christmas money and has been using it a lot since then. He's a big fan of Instagram and is happy to show me his (Private) page and lets me look at what he's posted etc.

I noticed he'd been spending more time alone in his room with his IPad recently and became pretty convinced he was probably looking at porn on it. I felt it was time to discuss this with him. I ran it by DH first and he was a bit dismissive and seemed to think it was quite amusing that our son was possibly doing this. I pointed out to him that porn when we were 12 was a few jazz mags you found in a hedge/under your Dad's bed..nowadays it's a whole different thing and is available at the swipe of a tablet. I also think it's possible that looking at this type of stuff from an early age can give you skewed expectations from sex with a real person and can muck up future relationships. On this basis, DH agreed I should talk to our son.

I had a brilliant chat with my boy, he admitted that he had been looking at porn and I thanked him for being honest with me. I probed a bit further and asked if he could explain what sort of stuff he'd been looking at and he said "straight and gay stuff". I then asked him, based on his "feelings" when he looked at it, if he could tell anything about his own sexuality. He hesitated for a moment and then said "I think I might be gay, but I'm really not sure if I'm ANYTHING yet".

I suggested to him that his sexuality could still be a "work in progress" but stressed that if he WAS gay that it meant absolutely NOTHING to me in terms of how I felt about him and that I wanted him to always be true to himself in all his future relationships and NEVER hesitate to talk to me about anything at all.

I then asked him if he wanted to have this all relayed to his Dad and he agreed that Dad should know.

The outcome of that discussion is that Dad did say to DS that he loved him no matter what, not to look at porn again and always keep an open and honest dialogue with us, so far so good. DS went back to noodling around on his Instagram, laughing and chatting with pals and being his usual lovely self.

However I had to spend the whole night with my DH crying his eyes out beside me. He says he's "upset", "disappointed" and actually said "I don't want my son to be gay".

My DH is a good bloke. He's not homophobic. Loads of our very close friends are in same sex relationships. DD has several gay/bi/lesbian mates. It's not something "alien" to him, but he's not coping with the possibility that DS could be gay.

I'm wondering if we did the right thing discussing it at such an early stage, when DS himself said he's not 100% sure.

Please don't attack me, I'm feeling a bit fragile this morning, I just wonder if I should have kept my big old mouth shut?

PS Sorry for length of post...I haven't told anyone else about this and I don't intend to (yet). I thought getting out of my system on an anonymous board might clear my head a bit.

Your DH does not get to choose the sexuality of his son, so tough.

You discussing it will not influence his sexuality.

If anything, you've saved him a world of pain and misery in wondering how his parents would cope if he is.

Well AIBU probably not the best place for this one - the Teenagers topic is good for the bit about your son's feelings, although it sounds to me like you've already done the right thing there.

Your DH is upset because his world has potentially taken a massive change into uncharted territory. Yes, as adults we are used to having same sex couples around us, but I think all of us who are heterosexual vaguely assume our children will be too. It's hard coming to terms with our children maturing into sexual beings anyway.

I think talking about it was still better than not talking about it though.

Of course people feeling upset doesn't make them homophobic.

As much as I feel no differently about people based on their sexuality, many people still do. Those who are gay or bi do have to do with homophobia and of course the question if having children is more complicated.

It's ok to be upset that your child might have to deal with all of that. All you can do is equip your son emotionally to deal with any predudices he might encounter in the bast way he can and ensure he knows he can talk to you both about anything.

You both sound like lovely parents x

I think most parents wouldn't choose homosexuality for their children because off all sorts of reasons, from worrying about a possible lack of grandchildren to "what will the neighbours think" to genuine concerns about homophobia directed towards their loved ones. I also think you & he are handling this brilliantly by being so open - your son knows it doesn't matter how things turn out, you will be loving & welcoming no mater what.

Yes you did the right thing. You sound like a wonderful mum.

Sounds like your DH is just a bit shocked. Give him time. Its really good that this has come to light so early, it should give your DH time to digest it and hopefully in the future he will have accepted it.

your son said he isnt anything yet go with that your husband is in a bit of shock I am not sure why he is so upset but it is what it is, I guess peoples default setting is straight and this is maybe what your husband is thinking maybe he thinks his boy will be in for a hrd time if he is gay or something, It sounds like you have a great relationship with your boy I would keep his ipad in clear view from now on, MY friends son promised time and time again that he was silly looking at porn and wouldn't again you are right it isn't just some mayfair he is looking at my friends son was looking at some pretty violent vile images ,

Sounds like you handled it well.

DH may be 'mourning' the loss of some things that are not really to do with your son's sexuality; talking about girls with him; Church wedding; easy segue into grandchildren; your son having an easy time at school/college/work. Doesn't make his reaction wrong but emotions aren't really wrong, just depends on how you behave. As long as he understands that he needs to support your son 100% with his life generally and his relationships specifically, I think it's good he was open as well.

FWIW it is easier to be straight. Less shit, less prejudice, no need to 'come out', no justifying. That's not DH's fault or yours, just society is crap sometimes.

oh yes you did the right thing

You can only discuss with your DH why he feels like this and help him get over it, by being in a counselling role.

Unless you want your adult child to go with you on stag nights to lap dancing/titty bars, or around a red light districts, hire the odd prostitute on a trip etc, I don't understand why their sexuality matters.

You have done a brilliant thing - your DS is very lucky to have a mum who is so open and approachable. Although things are improving, there is still some stigma within society about being gay and it sounds like you DH needs a chat to talk about why he feels like he does.
Please don't doubt what you have done.

Thank you everyone. I can hand on heart say it really matters not a jot to me if DS is straight/gay/bi or completely asexual. I love him regardless and always will.

If I'm honest I've always had a slight inkling that he might be gay. He's not camp but he's never been a particularly masculine. It didn't "shock" me if you see what I mean.

Thanks again, I appreciate the positive comments.

I think you both sound like wonderful parents and I find your DH's feelings very natural and it's good he confided in you.

We can't always plan when these conversations are going to happen and how they're going to pan out. Chances are the whole issue will be 'put to rest' for months if not years now but at least your son knows he can count on his parents love and support no matter what.

When my brother came out as gay my parents where very supportive but for my mum she actually found the difficult part was that she had dreamed his future, wife, children etc. my dad struggled with how was he going to cope was he strong enough to cope with prejudice it took them some time to come to terms with it.

I agree with other posters that as long as your DH doesn't change how he feels about his son and how he treats him, and as long as he keeps reinforcing the message to your DS that it's absolutely ok to be gay, you have to allow your DH to express his grief.

While sobbing his heart out all night seems way OTT to me, as a mother who couldn't give a damn about my DC's sexuality in terms of what it says about them I would have a lot of anxiety about what sort of prejudice they would have to deal with from others. I'm sure it's just that if he hasn't displayed any homophobic tendencies in the past.

As an aside though, I'd really explore further with your DS the fact that exposure to porn before he's even developed sexual feelings – "I'm really not sure I'm ANYTHING yet" – could really confuse his developing sexuality. It's really important to continue this dialogue rather than agreeing that he stops watching porn and that's an end to the matter.

Good luck with it all.

I think you have demonstrated fantastic parenting skills - what a lucky boy - no wonder he is so well rounded.

As for hubby, I can honestly say that I believe his reaction was normal - he doesn't get to choose his son's sexuality - no one can predict their children's sexuality. However, and feel free to comment if you think my comment is off the wall - we, as parents, are programmed, to have ambitions and aspirations for our children, we believe in masculinity and feminity we even (sometimes) think that we are going to have grandchildren (i know gay people can addopt - bare with me!) one day, we are programmed (rightly or wrongly) into believing that boys should play with masculine toys and girls feminine toys. The ancient belief among us is our children will be straight and if and when we find out our children are gay - maybe some folk go through a mourning phase as to what we though was going to be is now not. Maybe your hubby is concerned for his son (lets not try and pretend that stereotypical BS does not exist in this country and also discrimination against gay people).

Tough one, think hubby and son will be fine - you sound as if you have this all under control.

Wishing you a happy weekend x

I don't think he's too young at all for talking about his preferences and feelings. Year 8 is plenty old enough to be getting the first flush of crushes and boy/girlfriends, and he'll already know full well himself if he's leaning towards boys in his tastes himself.

You did absolutely the right thing.

I think you did the right thing in talking to your ds and your reactions were spot on.

Your DH being upset doesn't make him homophobic or a bad person/parent. As pp have said his whole world has potentially changed. We all have an idea or dream of what out DCs will be like as they grow up and its hard when something comes along and completely changes it.

He's probably also worried that if your ds is gay then, even though its wrong, he will have a tough time ahead.

My best friend is gay and she had a tough time with bullies and idiots who think its wrong to be gay. I would hate the thought of one of my DCs going through what my friend did, this could be what made your DH upset.

I think you have handled it perfectly fine. It's really important that DS doesn't see his dad being upset about the possibility of him being gay, though.

It could be anything - it could be that he's worried for DS in terms of discrimination or bullying he might face and he's afraid of that. It could be that he'd imagined DS growing up, meeting a girl, getting married, having children, and his image has been shattered a bit, especially if he's your only son. It might be that he feels he might be a bit out of his depth in terms of coaching him through life/relationships because it's now out of his direct experience. It might be that although he outwardly and logically accepts the idea of gay relationships he has a sort of internal prejudice/fear which he hasn't totally dropped because it's never been this close before, so he's never had to really face it or look at it.

I think you just have to make him promise not to breathe a word of his "disappointment" to DS and hope that he comes round when he gets over the shock. And remind him that firstly it might not even happen and secondly if it does, things are much better for gay people now than they have been in previous generations, even if he's straight he might not get married or have children (and he may well do both of those things with a man) and that he hasn't changed in any way, he's still DS and maybe it's best to just take things as they come and see how it goes.

Normal son, normal DH, normal mum.

There's an awful lot out there nowadays and a lot less inhibition about talking about your feelings. Totally usual for teenagers to be more aware, more questioning and more unsure than we ever were or admitted to being. We simply didn't know so didn't question.

I think your DH might be over-reacting a teeny bit.

I think you both handled it brilliantly, the fact that your DH is upset is ok he's allowed to be. The important thing is the way he behaved to your DS, he kept his own upset and anxiety private so as not to upset your DS. Give him some time to get used to the idea, he no doubt wants what's best for DS and that includes a life without judgement and prejudice which sadly the gay community still do not always get.
Seems like you're both loving supportive parents and your DS trusts you with his feelings that's the most important thing

Agree aibu prob not the best forum! But you definitely did the right thing!!! And tbh your dd's reaction strikes me as perfectly natural also!! What ever our personal feelings towards our adult gay friends no one goes into parenthood expecting a child to be gay (although most admit to suspecting afterwards as you have) so being upset and shocked is perfectly natural and he has done the right thing in displaying this privately to you and openly supporting your ds.

I would keep the dialogue open for him and your ds and I am sure once the initial shock factor wares off he will realise that he has been a bit silly.

I know several friends who kept their sexuality a massive secret from everyone for fear of reprisals and rejection from parents and wished beyond anything that they could have had these sorts of discussions at an early age so pat yourself on the back for being awesome as you have probably saved your ds from years of turmoil!

I think you handled it well.

I think your DH is homophobic. It is easy to be accepting of others when it is not our children. He might find this organisation can provide useful support.
www.fflag.org.uk/

Neatthewindymilly - Lesbian and gay teenagers have always questioned their sexuality as young teens. They just rarely told anyone at this age in the past.

Thanks again everyone. Feeling much better now, I was really worried that I had overstepped the mark but the positive comments have made me more comfortable with having had the discussion.

DH was very clear that he would never let DS "know" that he'd had feelings of disppointment.

Think many of you are spot on that he is "mourning" the loss of future grandchildren/weddings and such, even though he's realistically aware that gay people are perfectly capable of marriage and families these days!

I appreciate your input.

Grennie, thank you for the link. I'll take a good look at that when I have some more time.

I get what you mean but DH really isn't homophobic. He's been a witness at 3 civil partnerships now. However, I do understand there's a difference when it's your own son, not just mates. Not having a go or anything and thanks for your input.