Did I Do The Right Thing?

[UnderIce]

I've namechanged for this and not sure if AIBU is the right forum but have never really posted anywhere else on Mumsnet, please let me know if you think I should post it somewhere else.

Anyway, my DS is 12, almost 13 and is a happy, well adjusted, well liked popular boy. I have no concerns about him on a day to day basis.

He bought himself an IPad Mini with his Christmas money and has been using it a lot since then. He's a big fan of Instagram and is happy to show me his (Private) page and lets me look at what he's posted etc.

I noticed he'd been spending more time alone in his room with his IPad recently and became pretty convinced he was probably looking at porn on it. I felt it was time to discuss this with him. I ran it by DH first and he was a bit dismissive and seemed to think it was quite amusing that our son was possibly doing this. I pointed out to him that porn when we were 12 was a few jazz mags you found in a hedge/under your Dad's bed..nowadays it's a whole different thing and is available at the swipe of a tablet. I also think it's possible that looking at this type of stuff from an early age can give you skewed expectations from sex with a real person and can muck up future relationships. On this basis, DH agreed I should talk to our son.

I had a brilliant chat with my boy, he admitted that he had been looking at porn and I thanked him for being honest with me. I probed a bit further and asked if he could explain what sort of stuff he'd been looking at and he said "straight and gay stuff". I then asked him, based on his "feelings" when he looked at it, if he could tell anything about his own sexuality. He hesitated for a moment and then said "I think I might be gay, but I'm really not sure if I'm ANYTHING yet".

I suggested to him that his sexuality could still be a "work in progress" but stressed that if he WAS gay that it meant absolutely NOTHING to me in terms of how I felt about him and that I wanted him to always be true to himself in all his future relationships and NEVER hesitate to talk to me about anything at all.

I then asked him if he wanted to have this all relayed to his Dad and he agreed that Dad should know.

The outcome of that discussion is that Dad did say to DS that he loved him no matter what, not to look at porn again and always keep an open and honest dialogue with us, so far so good. DS went back to noodling around on his Instagram, laughing and chatting with pals and being his usual lovely self.

However I had to spend the whole night with my DH crying his eyes out beside me. He says he's "upset", "disappointed" and actually said "I don't want my son to be gay".

My DH is a good bloke. He's not homophobic. Loads of our very close friends are in same sex relationships. DD has several gay/bi/lesbian mates. It's not something "alien" to him, but he's not coping with the possibility that DS could be gay.

I'm wondering if we did the right thing discussing it at such an early stage, when DS himself said he's not 100% sure.

Please don't attack me, I'm feeling a bit fragile this morning, I just wonder if I should have kept my big old mouth shut?

PS Sorry for length of post...I haven't told anyone else about this and I don't intend to (yet). I thought getting out of my system on an anonymous board might clear my head a bit.

Whether we like it or not it is harder to be gay than straight. It is probably hard for DH to know that his son may encounter difficulties in his life, especially as he has mates where he has seen this first hand. It's probably not so much him being "gay" that dp has trouble getting his head round, it is just he has to come to terms with a possible different future for him than anticipated. Different but not necessarily better or worse. DP will be fine soon.

I think you handled DS brilliantly as did Dp. Whatever he chooses, he knows that he has his parents backing. Well done.

Sorry but I think he is homophobic, maybe mildy.

Would you think someone wasn't racist if they were happy for white friends to marry black spouses, but cried when his white son brought home a black girlfriend?

Grennie I think you ate looking for something that isn't their. The op knows her husband you do not. As another poster has suggested he is more likely concerned for the tougher future his son is in for if he is gay. School as a teenager is hard enough, add being gay into the mix and it is a nightmare that no parent wants for their kids. Stop projecting

grennie your comparison really doesn't make sense colour and spouses versus sexuality is different the op husband is entitled to his feelings I do think he was a little bit over the top about it but this is his son who he wants to protect I can imagine being gay still isn't a walk in the park for young people

You did the right thing, DS's age is quite a usual age to be questioning sexuality.

I would not want my DS to go through the heartache my DB endured in his teenage years, that does not make me homophobic it would not alter how I loved him but it would make me concerned.

My brother is gay, he denied his feelings and didn't want to be, does that make him Homophobic Grennie? I think you and your husband handled things very well and it was a shock for DH, you've given your son the gift of peace of mind and he can revisit things when he is a bit older

Gosh, you are both brilliant parents IMO!

I think your DH's emotional reaction was just him being a bit surprised, and worrying (prematurely) about life being (potentially) harder for your DS, if it turns out that he IS gay. He might have been thinking "will DS get bullied and/or subjected to homophobic prejudice?" and getting ahead of things. (He was concerned for your DS.)

I also think it's only cos your DH loves your DS so much that he was so upset. And it's wonderful that he was able to share his (secret) fears with you, to 'air' them/let them out. (Better than bottling it all up.)

I think your DH will be absolutely fine with it in the end, if it turns out your DS IS gay. He justs needs a bit more time to adjust to the idea? (You said you had some suspicions, so I think you were better prepared than your DH re this possibility of DS being gay?)

Most of us would be clumsy and feel awkward these sort of situations. So I think you both could not have handled things any better.

Your DS is very lucky boy to have you both loving & supporting him. (You and your DH and your DS all sound lovely.)

Thanks RiceBurner. I think I do have an advantage of having had a suspicion that DS might be gay and have had a much longer time to prepare for it. As I said, it didn't come as a "shock".

And I appreciate your analysis of my DH's emotional reaction and that it was good he was able to tell ME how he really felt.

He seemed in better fettle this morning and before he left I gave him a big hug and told him how much I loved him. He replied that he loved us all (me, DD and DS) more than anything in the world and just wanted "the best" for us. He really is a nice man, but a little bit old fashioned when it comes to "talking things through".

I am very impressed, you sound like a great, strong family unit!
I hope to have such an open relationship with my children in the future. It's amazing that your young lad was so confident and trusting in you to be able to tell you such a personal scary thought that was going through his head, poor thing, and it's excellent for him that his Dad said such positive things to him.
It might be a phase but you have given him the biggest starting block in puberty, to know that whatever worrying and scary things he is thinking of, that it won't be an embarrassment to talk to his folks about and that you both will love him no matter what. There are so many children affected by their parents' homophobia and ignorance and can never truly be happy with themselves.
I'm so pleased for you all.

I can't articulate how much I appreciate your comments. I'm sitting here blubbing at the support. I know for a fact I'd get the same from my real life friends but that would compromise DS's privacy and I would never break his confidence, hence posting on here.

Thank you again. Sniff.

Can you try and accentuate the positives for your husband? So stress how great it is your son can talk to you, studies which show that teens who have support and acceptance at home have a much easier time in dealing with homophobia outside the home. About how much better it is to know now, rather than in 20 years after a messy divorce and living a lie?

Sounds like you are doing the right things with your son. Is it worth trying to encourage him to read some YA fiction in an attempt to figure things out, rather than porn? (Many of them still have some sex in them, but you can read them too-and IMO reading is generally a better way to find out about sex rather than watching at this age.)

www.amazon.co.uk/Jay-Bell/e/B003EN0PBO/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_3?qid=1398430881&sr=1-3 is really good and www.dreamspinnerpress.com/store/index.php?cPath=816_817 have a YA section.

Good luck to you all anyway.

Underice you sound a wonderful mum

Oh gosh you sound like a wonderful mum, OP. And you sound like you have a gorgeous and very happy boy (I've gone all teary now, damn these preg hormones!!). I wouldn't be too harsh on your dh, my instinct is that it's not really the question of sexuality that has upset him and more the fact your baby boy is old enough and grown up enough to have ideas either way. It does seem very 'adult' if it comes out of the blue, not in a bad way at all, but I think parents are not always ready for their little ones to grow up! Good luck with the next few years and supporting your lad whatever he decides x

Feel like a stuck record but THANKS again, so, so much. All of you, you're angels you really are.

All your DCs are lucky to have you lot as well!

OP - my DB is gay. When my mum finally asked him and was told that yes he is gay, she was upset. Not upset that he's gay as such, but upset that as she said "it's just such a harder life." she was worried about his career, him being discriminated against. She had to let go of the idea that he'd marry a woman and have DCs and a 'normal' family life she has assumed he'd have. (how many threads on here to you read where someone says "oh god, I've got 2DS's I'm not looking forward to having DILs like you!" just the assumption is our children will have families of their own too)

As it is, my parents like DB's DP and are happy with them, but I do think they had to grieve for the life my DB wouldn't have.

That said, my DB is pushing 40 now, if your DS is gay, he will be gay in a very different environment, by the time he's an adult, gay marriage will be a normal thing we've got used to, the generation above ours who can be very homophobic will mainly have retired and not have the same level of negative influence on careers of gay men and woman. Gay people adopting, or using surrogates to be a parent, will be another generation on and much more normalised.

Your DH isn't wrong to be upset that the future he thought of for his DS won't be the one your DS has, but he can't assume the life that many of his gay friends have now is what being gay in 2034 will be like.

And there's a good chance your DS will turn out to be straight anyway.

Thank you Mary. What you've said will help me talk to DH. I'll be quoting your post and pretending I thought of it first (the cheek of me).

I'm so glad I posted this now. I was shitting myself this morning thinking I'd been a Big Old Blabber Mouth and opened a box I could never close again, but now I can see nothing but positives.

You handled this brilliantly. So did your dh. Don't be hard with your dh he is entitled to his view and actually if your son does turn out to be gay your dh will adjust and be fine with it. My brother is gay and my dad struggled inwardly with it while being fine with it in front of my brother. In fact inwardly he us fine with it now. He worried about him being bullied, lack of grandchildren, other difficulties but now he realises these are unfounded

If he likes comic books, Green Lantern and Bunker from the Teen Titans series (both DC) are gay. I know there are gay members of the X-Men teams, and also Hulkling and Wiccan - those are from Marvel Comics which I am less familiar with!

I second the suggestion for YA books with gay characters. Will Grayson, Will Grayson by David Levithan and John Green might be worth trying.

Hi all, OP again. I said to DS last night before he went up to bed that I was drawing a line under our earlier conversations and would only talk about it again when HE saw fit to raise the subject. He said "thanks" and trotted off up to bed.

I've just rung him and he's had a great afternoon out with about 6 of his school pals and is looking forward to his tea tonight (he loves his food!).

This is music to my ears in that he's just carrying on like nothing happened. I was terrified I'd opened a can of worms that was going to eat away at him and negatively impact on our present good relationship, but if this is anything to go by, that's not the case.

Thank you MyrtleDove for the comic book ideas. Will take all these suggestions on board.