WRT comments about SIL 'providing for' my DC

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

SIL and her husband are very wealthy (the wealth comes from her husband, but it is obviously joint assets now they are married). My husband and I are not (I am a SAHM, DH earns a good wage, but nothing spectacular). We have two DC; SIL and her DH have none.

SIL has made a will stating that when she dies, a proportion of her assets will be divided between my DC. This is incredibly generous of her and we are very grateful. She has not told us this herself, but it has been mentioned by my PIL.

However, my FIL now keeps saying how RELIEVED we must be that our DC will be provided for in the future. What a weight off our minds! Etc.

AIBU to be bothered by this? I feel like my PIL think that DH and I cannot provide for our DC. Yes, I am a SAHM and money is tight, but there are more things to life, surely?! I will go back to work in 12-18 months so we will have more cash then anyway. The reason that I can be a SAHM is that I had a well paid job before DC and saved very carefully.

FIL is lovely, but is not the kind of man to have a conversation once. It needs to be repeated over and over and over again. They are staying with us atm, and it is starting to grate on my already.

So WIBU to ask him not to keep going on about it? I don't want to look rude or ungrateful.

By the way - SIL is still young, so all of this is a veeery long way in the future...

To be honest, I think I'd just change the subject every time he mentions it...or suddenly remember a job that needs doing.

It's generous thing for SIL to do.

Does she have her own children? The will is very likely to change if not.

I also think it is very vulgar of her to discuss her will with the ILs and it makes me wonder, as she hasn't even mentioned it to you or presumably dh, if it is even true. Maybe she is just enjoying portraying herself s Lady Bountiful?

Maybe not, of course, but you hve to see it is very odd of her not to tell you.

I'd tell FIL to stop discussing it right now, especially as you have not heard a thing about it except from them and even if it is the (very generous) case that many things are likely to change.

I would point out to him that anything could happen in the next ten years. She might divorce him and then have no reason to leave anything to your children. They might have their own DC. They might have illnesses or unemployment to face which will leave them struggling. When I think back to myself as a young person I had no idea what life would throw at me. Any plans I made in my 20s for my previous husband's nephews and nieces would be bizarre to me now.

**shit keyboard..."a" key is especially dodgy, sorry.

They wont have their own children (LT infertility issues).

SIL is 40 (but if she lives to an average age then this is still a long way off).

Even with unemployment, their wealth would be relatively unaffected.

I agree that is it incredibly generous, I just feel like our noses are being rubbed in it a bit (albeit unintentionally)

YANBU. It is incredibly crass of your FIL to keep bringing it up at all, especially in what sounds like a very insensitive manner. I would be quite blunt with him and tell him to stop.

Does your SIL know PILS have told you about her will provisions? If I was her, it would be the sort of information I would want to share myself, at an appropriate moment. If they have told you without her knowledge, I would also use this to stop the comments, as it is not their place to pass on gossip about such a sensitive issue.

Next time he makes a comment about your dcs being provided for, say something like 'yes, it's great isn't it? Let's just hope that SIL pops her clogs soon so that we don't have to worry about university fees or helping them get on the property ladder. After all, it's not going to be much use to them if she dies in old age after needing care'.

Am in a (sort of) similar situation. My DS is the only child between us 3 siblings, with no more on horizon. He will ultimately inherit everything from my DPs, (single) DBs and me. We're not wealthy but own homes etc so when it is all added up DS will be well off. We've had some long family pow wows about the best way to manage things and how to structure everything so that, if some sort of disaster strikes that wipes several out at once, that he won't receive a lot of money when too young to handle it, etc. It has just been a very practical thing to make sure he is protected. We've also discussed things like uni fees etc and that we will work together to make sure he gets a good launch as it is really a timing thing as he is our sole beneficiary. And I can sleep safe knowing that if I go under a bus then DS will be loved and cared for by my family.
So, not vulgar, not patronising, not smug, etc just a very practical family management thing to protect our most vulnerable member.

I suspect you FIL is trying to say something good has come out of his daughter having infertility issues and acknowledge she (her DH) has achieved something. you and your DH have children, she and her DH have money.

I would probably say 'I don't really like to think of SIL sying, so can we not talk about it please'. That should stop a normal person in their tracks, especially the parent of the person being discussed.

Clearly I mean DYING, not SYING.

I'd tell her to change her will.

Yes, it's a kind thing to do but do you really needed it lorded over you for years to come.

:(

It is a long time in the future - they could lose their money - she could die first and the husband take the money anyway. She could need massive amounts of care that eats her entire fortune...the husband might make her change the will and leave it to a charity...or his relatives even.

Also, the children won't be provided for - odds are your SIL will die in 50 years time. That is no kind of future planning - your children will be parents themselves by then.

If she was proposing to set up a trust now to provide education and university fees, then it is worth talking about - but my brother used to go on about my dad dying, and I said then - why talk about something 20 years away? And my dad is now 90 and my brother nearly retirement age so any "future planning" for an inheritance is pretty pointless.

I would also say that if your children are given a message that they just need to wait for Aunty to die to get a ton of cash, they might not bother going out and finding their own path, as they think the solution is just around the corner - my brother assumed dad would die before his children went to uni and therefore didn't bother saving for tuition fees - now he is paying fees and my dad isn't likely to die any time soon so my brother is in debt.

So really, if the subject keeps getting brought up just say "it's 50 years away" and drop it.

I would imagine the SIL finds it hard to hear about the OPs DCs. surely we all have good and bad bits of our lives?

Can you tell him that you are focusing on bringing up your children to be able to provide for themselves - as you have?

If you haven't heard it from the horse's mouth, so to speak, I'd pay no heed to it personally. Is your SIL aware that her parents have told you this (why did they, I wonder?)? You'd have to wonder why she's made no mention of it herself.
Is it possible that she mentioned some vague plans to your PIL's and they ran with the idea without her realising?

It's a very nice thing for her to do - I'm in a similar situation to your SIL and am not that nice and am planning on leaving it to the cat's home DH and I have done our wills to leave everything to each other with a small legacy for the nieces and nephews but I think we both know whichever of us survives the other intends to changes who the lot is left to as that's where we can't agree

But as you say, no-one is planning on dying just yet - the money could all have been spent on her care home, she might have fallen out with you irretrievably and changed her will etc etc. Bearing in ind SIL is 40 now, it might be 40 years or longer before your DCs see anything

• it's not exactly paying their way through university or getting them a first deposit on a house is it?

If your DH asked FIL to wind his neck in would that have any response? Otherwise it's a v nice thing to do but at the moment it's just monopoly money really - you need broken record technique of saying 'Yes it's very nice thing for her to do. But no-one's dying at the moment, let's talk about something else' and repeat over and over again.

iMaybe a "oh by the time such a thing is likely to happen, I don't doubt dc will be providing for themselves and possibly their own families" well they say 70 years. It's quite possible they will have their own kids by then

I suspect you FIL is trying to say something good has come out of his daughter having infertility issues and acknowledge she (her DH) has achieved something. you and your DH have children, she and her DH have money.

This is what I was going to write but you put it better.

I would not ask him to "stop going on about it" as that does seem abrupt (although I can understand your frustration). I would have some very good points ready to make to him (of the kind already raised on this thread) that will hopefully stop him in his tracks and also point out that since SIL has not mentioned it to you, you would think that she probably prefers this to be private.

I do not think it is crass of her to have discussed it with people who are presumably her parents. Wills should be dscussed and people's wishes after they die discussed so that those who might be involved with that (either as executors or people who might challenge the will) can have advance understanding of the wishes of the deceased.

'Well, the most likely thing is that the money will end up being used for SIL's care in old age and that our DC will frow up being provided for by us as is the case for most families. But I agree, it must be a great relief for you to see your daughter finally provided for by her husband in a way you and MIL were unable to. I hope they have a long and happy marriage and SIL's luck holds!'

if they have over £1millon at the moment its unlikely they would need that much for care. and their assets will increase substantially anyway.

wealthy means different things to different people so its difficult to quantify

Thanks for all your replies.

I think you are right - I will keep repeating how far in the future it is, and that I don't want to dwell on people we love dying.

SIL probably dodge struggle to listen to her parents rave on about our children, which makes of feel sad for her. She would have loved a family of her own. I certainly don't think there is anything untoward in her intentions, or in her discussing this with her parents.

I think I am just a bit sensitive about not having much money. Most families we know are on two incomes and I do feel like my DC are missing out on things like holidays and living is a big house etc. But I guess that is my issue and I should stop being chippy about it.

Sorry for terrible typos, am on phone!

Is FIL "taking credit", as though he has made the provision for your DC, possibly to take attention away from the fact that he has done nothing?

If so, he sounds a bit like Mrs Norris, from Mansfield Park!