WRT comments about SIL 'providing for' my DC

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

SIL and her husband are very wealthy (the wealth comes from her husband, but it is obviously joint assets now they are married). My husband and I are not (I am a SAHM, DH earns a good wage, but nothing spectacular). We have two DC; SIL and her DH have none.

SIL has made a will stating that when she dies, a proportion of her assets will be divided between my DC. This is incredibly generous of her and we are very grateful. She has not told us this herself, but it has been mentioned by my PIL.

However, my FIL now keeps saying how RELIEVED we must be that our DC will be provided for in the future. What a weight off our minds! Etc.

AIBU to be bothered by this? I feel like my PIL think that DH and I cannot provide for our DC. Yes, I am a SAHM and money is tight, but there are more things to life, surely?! I will go back to work in 12-18 months so we will have more cash then anyway. The reason that I can be a SAHM is that I had a well paid job before DC and saved very carefully.

FIL is lovely, but is not the kind of man to have a conversation once. It needs to be repeated over and over and over again. They are staying with us atm, and it is starting to grate on my already.

So WIBU to ask him not to keep going on about it? I don't want to look rude or ungrateful.

By the way - SIL is still young, so all of this is a veeery long way in the future...

He's happy they won't suffer an impoverished middle age/ retirement? Who wouldn't be? Better to have money than not, I don't see why that's so offensive.

If your SIL is just 40, and would love a family of her own, I wouldn't necessarily rule out it happening anyway.
There are ways and means, particularly where money is no object.
Your PIL's were very silly to discuss this with you.

Tactless man. I wonder if it is really appropriate of your SIL to have made this decision without discussing it thoroughly with you first? Naughty of her to tell FIL, really.

I wonder if it is really appropriate of your SIL to have made this decision without discussing it thoroughly with you first?

but you don't ask permission to leave something to someone - and you certainly don't ask their parents permission!

It must be very difficult for you. We have a similar situation in that my SIL is going to leave her considerable estate to her 4 nieces and nephews...2 of which are mine. This will be a lot if money in all probability. We all know about her generosity but it is never mentioned. She could always change her mind and leave it to the cats home.

I'm guessing FIL's estate is going to the local cat and dog home, (other charities are available) and he keeps banging on about SIL's money to make him feel better about himself.

but you don't ask permission to leave something to someone - and you certainly don't ask their parents permission!

I didn't mean the SIL needed permission, I just meant that it might have been reasonable to mention it.

Where there's a will, there's a war.

i think you are right to remember that this is not about sil - it sounds as if she has just chosen to do something positive.
it is your FIL being insensitive at worst, very clumsy at best.

depending upon your relationship with him I would try to be as frank as possible.
it si neither rude nor confrontational to say that you don't really want to focus on such sad prospects as the death of family members. and you could add 'and obviously we would like to think that we will be providing for our own children so labouring on what SIL is proposing isn't really something you want to do'
adding a smile and 'do you think we could just stop talking about it now. i think its been discussed enough to be honest. Its becoming quite uncomfortable for me'

My FIL can be extremely tactless, to put it politely. For example:

1. Making jokes about learning disabled people even though he knew my sister had learning disabilities (I took him up on this and was told I was being too PC

1. Asking a lady who has struggled with infertility whether seeing all the children running around (we were at a wedding) made her broody.

He would probably be the same as the OP's FIL. They should be deported together and sent into space to live on Planet Foot In Mouth.

eightyears I think that the OP's main gripe is that she has, as she admits, a slight chip on shoulder about the fact that she and her dh don't earn enough money to afford luxuries etc and that the FIL's comments somewhat rub this in.

Maybe say something like 'I hope and am sure SIL won't be dying for a very long time by which time our DC will be providing for themselves, having been provided for by me and DH in the meantime. I'm sure they will appreciate her generous gift when that time comes though. She's very kind to think of them'.

how about "I wish you wouldn't say that, it sounds like you think we wish SIL dead! It's unlikely she'll die before our children are middle aged anyway, so uni costs, wedding costs and help with first house deposits will have to come from us or them saving for themselves anyway. I'm sure it would be a help when they are older, but in the same way we aren't looking forward to getting any inheritance from you and MIL, and will be very, very sad when that happens."

I wouldn't say any of those things.

I'd say "yes its lovely" and change subject.

Just say "I hope they'll be independent with families to before she dies."

I have expressed my gratitude, of course I have. Although it does feel weird to express it to FIL rather than to SIL. I just don't want to have to keep going on and on about how grateful we are, especially as the situation might change - as other posters have rightly pointed out.

Money has been thrown at fertility issues to no avail.

My PIL don't have a lot of money so no estate from them, which couldn't matter less to us. We would rather people spent their money on a fulfilled life than squirreld it away for an inheritance.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. Will be tactful, gracious but firm the next time it is mentioned...

I would feel my hackles rise too.

It is very sad that your SIL can't have children - it must have been a big blow for her. It is kind of her to think of your children and she is obviously very fond of them.

I wonder if your FIL is equally tactless to her about her IF? Does he say things, perhaps, like "Well, at least you can leave your estate to Beans's children even though you have none of your own?". That kind of comment would definitely sting!

I'd say "yes it's very generous of SIL, hopefully she will be around for another 50 years and Im not thinkning about the DC's retirement yet".

As for expecting a gush of gratitude each time the matter is raised, there comes a point when repetition just sounds insincere. I had this with someone who married into our family (so I didn't grow up with it): she repeats things again and again, always things like stories which need a reaction, or detailed descriptions of how she prepared the meal. I found it really hard to work out how to react on the second iteration, let alone the nth! It's a real shame for her that I now tend to under-react to anything she says, as I am tensing myself in preparation for ten repetitions! She probably started doing it in the first place because of growing up with lots of brothers and sisters (so was not always heard the first time), and continued doing it due to embarrassed/bored under-reaction, but I can't think how to mention it without making it sound like I am accusing her of being boring sadly, it IS really boring, but it's still not nice to say so!.

OP it may be more about your FIL feeling like he hasn't done right by his children rather than rubbing you nose in it. If the money comes from SIL's husband presumably your PIL aren't exactly going to be setting you up when the finally leave. PIL may be thinking how great it is that some of his offspring will have some capital behind them becasue he feels he's let his children down by not being able to provide that himself.

Stressing that you don't want to dwell on your SIL's death is good, but you could also say that you don't think children who don't have an inheritance are badly done by and DH feels he's been well supported and set up in life by PIL without the promise of a huge lump sum on the horizon. (Obviously this only works if it's true and you can say it in a way that is genuine rather than sounding like you're having a dig at them).