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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not babysit in these circs

38 replies

PolkaDotsandPumpkin · 24/04/2014 13:14

My sister and her husband recently bought a house and had a baby. I love my niece and enjoy looking after her. I have no children of my own. However, I find that I am getting asked to babysit when my sister is out but her husband is home. The reason is that he is working on the house so they can renovate and sell within a (self-imposed) set timeframe in order to make some money. In order for him to be able to do this, they ask me to look after the baby. So as not to dripfeed, her husband has form for both being a bit obsessed with money AND with being a bit useless with my niece. I'll happily admit that this really gets on my nerves. I see it as being exceedingly selfish and thoughtless. My view is that they decided to have this baby together so therefore it is partly his responsibility. He tends to stand back and let my sister or our mother (if she's around, doesn't live nearby) look after the baby.
Am I being unreasonable to decline to babysit in this particular circumstance? To be clear, I would happily babysit if he was taking my sister out for a date night or if they were doing something together.

PS. First go at AIBU. Please be gentle :)

OP posts:
Callani · 24/04/2014 13:18

I understand why you find it annoying so Yanbu on that however I think I'd view the house renovating as a second job. If you babysit for them whilst he's doing DIY then you're helping your sister get something done in her spare time whilst her husband is "at work".

This wouldn't stop me raising the point with your sister though...

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2014 13:24

As a one off my sister babysits for me. She is fine with that. If it were often, or regular, I would pay her for it. It's only fair. Are you being paid for it?

Original poster
PolkaDotsandPumpkin · 24/04/2014 13:26

Well, arethere , that was one of my thoughts - maybe I should say that I will do it, but ask to be paid?

OP posts:
ILoveYouBaby · 24/04/2014 13:28

If you offered or it was a one off, then fine. If it's a regular thing they should offer to pay you.

CrapBag · 24/04/2014 13:34

I think paying a sibling is a bit shit tbh. I have babysat for family loads on the past and it never once occurred to me that I should be paid for it. My sister had my kids a while ago (her offering) and I would have been a bit Hmm if I was expected to pay and vice versa if I had my nephew and she offered to pay me I would ask her what the hell she was on about!

I can see where you are coming from in that he is taking a back step wrt looking after his own DD, it may be that he isn't used to children and doesn't really know what he is doing. I can see why you don't want to look after her if he is there. However, we are going to be moving to a do-er upper (not to sell, to live) and if someone offers to have the kids whilst we do it then I will jump at the chance. You cannot do DIY whilst looking after children, its just not practical, nothing would get done, there will be dangerous tools etc around.

Personally I think you should help as ultimately, this is for your sisters benefit too, to get the money from the house. Him being money mad has nothing to do with it, surely anyone who could make a profit from property would.

usualsuspectt · 24/04/2014 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

arethereanyleftatall · 24/04/2014 13:42

But you're in a different situation crapbag. She sits for you, and you for her. that's fine.
I would actually argue the opposite - it's shit to expect your sister to babysit frequently without offering recompense.

AlpacaLypse · 24/04/2014 13:45

If he's genuinely getting on with the renovation, then the fact he's a bit crap at hands-on baby care is irrelevant. Even SuperDad couldn't look after a baby and use power tools at the same time!

If 'renovation' on the other hand seems to involve a lot of coffee and fartfannying around on the male equivalent of MN research on the computer, then he's taking the piss.

Vintagejazz · 24/04/2014 13:46

I cannot imagine asking to be paid for minding my niece or nephews. On the other hand, yes I would be annoyed at being regularly asked to babysit when the baby's father was around. If it's just for a limited period of time though, while they get the house sorted, I would do it. Especially as you enjoy spending time with your niece.

weatherall · 24/04/2014 13:49

Separate the 2 issues.

If you like babysitting Dn, do it. Doesnt the reason really matter?

However, yes it doesnt sound like DBIL isnt much of a DF and DSIS could do with sorting this out with him before she feels like she has 2 DCs!

Talk to her about it but keep the babysitting aspect out of it.

yellowsnownoteatwillyou · 24/04/2014 13:51

Trying to do any DIY with children is a nightmare, I have asked inlaws or my mum to come and sit with the baby while I'm moving furniture and other things. And I'm still in the house.
Maybe your sister only feels comfortable leaving the baby with you or your mum, even with her husband there as he is a bit shit. But she needs to do things by herself.
The difference for me would be, if I went out, and my dh was needing to do DIY so his mum came round. He would still be in charge, his mum would just be back up when he was busy.

CrapBag · 24/04/2014 13:52

arethereany not I'm not. My sister has only just had her first baby and she has only looked after mine a handful of times. I would do it however.

The family babysitting I was referring to has been in the past. I am the oldest out of my siblings and the youngest is 15 years younger. I have babysat all of them many many times at ages when it really wasn't appropriate and it was without having 'favours' in return. It was family and I did it and was happy to help. I have looked after cousins as well and never thought about being paid. I think it is odd that people expect or are expected to pay/be paid with cash or takeaways, flowers, chocolates, whatever for family.

Ruushii · 24/04/2014 14:01

So they want you to babysit while they are doing things that aren't child friendly. What's the problem?

erin99 · 24/04/2014 14:03

Say no to (some of) the babysitting but offer to help with the DIY at the weekend? Would show your support without giving your BIL an excuse to avoid looking after his daughter. Working plus renovating is utterly exhausting, especially with a baby in the mix, but if the DIY is really an excuse you'd be facilitating him by picking up the "pink jobs" (ugh!) every time they fall to him.

Possibly unfairly, I think it depends a bit on why your sister needs to be out.

Gen35 · 24/04/2014 14:12

he has a valid reason for having help if doing DIY - if they are asking too much, you should say no. Sounds like the underlying reasons are either 1) it's too much of your time or 2) you just generally don't like helping her dh that much as he's a bit of a pants dad. In ether case, I think they're lucky to have you helping and you should cut back.

Backtobedlam · 24/04/2014 14:45

If you don't want to do it just say no. I actually don't think there's a problem with them asking you as if he's doing DIY he wouldn't get anything done with the baby on his own. I'd happily help any of my siblings with childcare/DIY/lifts etc without expecting money or something in return, but I guess it depends on your family and different family dynamics. If you don't want to then just say your busy on the days they ask.

Catsize · 24/04/2014 14:53

Sounds a bit bonkers, and I would be embarrassed to ask you in these circs.
Why not offer to do the DIY and he can spend some lovely time with his child!

Ronmione · 24/04/2014 14:56

Yanbu, my brother goes this with my mum, under the guise of DIY. Hmmm, lots of computer browsing and researching. I can guarantee you if he was paying for childcare he would stop and do the DIY in the evening or weekend.

Personally it sounds like he's making money out of your kindness.

Is he actually doing DIY or procrastinating?

WilsonFrickett · 24/04/2014 14:57

They've made a decision as a family to both have a child and renovate a house. The two things aren't mutually exclusive, but it's pretty hard to do one while looking after another. I think you are kind of being U and conflating a few issues together.

That said, you don't have to say yes to any babysitting unless you want to.

shewhowines · 24/04/2014 15:07

Is his thought process ""oh shit she's going out, I'm gonna have to do some child care. Oh wait, I can do DIY then instead of at the weekend as I originally planned"
In other words, is it convenient to him to use you , or are you genuinely needed. Ie. he would still do it at the weekend as well as when you babysit? Would he actually be doing it when you babysit, if your sister was around?

You know him. Are you an excuse to get out of looking after his child or are you really needed to help out. My willingness to help out would depend on his motives.

Original poster
PolkaDotsandPumpkin · 24/04/2014 22:36

Thanks for your replies. Sorry for delay in responding, am in a different time zone.
I agree, I think I am combining two issues. I just get pissed off when I see him handing the baby off as soon as she does something other than be sweet and happy.
I won't be asking for payment, it was just a thought.
I guess my only course of action, for the sake of my sister being able to get some time to herself is to do it.

OP posts:
Catsize · 24/04/2014 22:39

Or, as suggested, do the DIY whilst he looks after his own child.

Flux700 · 24/04/2014 22:45

just decline DIY babysitting without explanation (sorry that's too tricky but if you plan to go out together, ask me again)

Janethegirl · 24/04/2014 22:50

I've done decorating with a young child and wouldn't suggest it to my worst enemy!! Husband took ill as I opened the paint can, had child in high chair and me trying to apply paint. I did complete the room but it's not a good option from any perspective.

mimishimmi · 25/04/2014 00:25

I've been a bit of a one track record about unfair babysitting requests lately but, in this instance, I think YABABU. Doing a DIY job with a baby around really could be quite dangerous. It depends on how much they are asking but can't you just not answer the phone when they call if you don't feel like doing it? I'd do it willingly for my brother and his wife if I had the time, if not I would just tell them so.