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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not babysit in these circs

38 replies

PolkaDotsandPumpkin · 24/04/2014 13:14

My sister and her husband recently bought a house and had a baby. I love my niece and enjoy looking after her. I have no children of my own. However, I find that I am getting asked to babysit when my sister is out but her husband is home. The reason is that he is working on the house so they can renovate and sell within a (self-imposed) set timeframe in order to make some money. In order for him to be able to do this, they ask me to look after the baby. So as not to dripfeed, her husband has form for both being a bit obsessed with money AND with being a bit useless with my niece. I'll happily admit that this really gets on my nerves. I see it as being exceedingly selfish and thoughtless. My view is that they decided to have this baby together so therefore it is partly his responsibility. He tends to stand back and let my sister or our mother (if she's around, doesn't live nearby) look after the baby.
Am I being unreasonable to decline to babysit in this particular circumstance? To be clear, I would happily babysit if he was taking my sister out for a date night or if they were doing something together.

PS. First go at AIBU. Please be gentle :)

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 25/04/2014 00:27

I'm renovating and have paid a babysitter to look after DS while I'm working on certain tasks. You simply can't do some jobs with a young child under foot for both safety and logistical reasons.

trambampoline · 25/04/2014 00:41

I don't understand your logic that you would happily baby sit if it was to go on a date, but won't if it's diy. That surely benefits your sister and niece more than going on a fate if they get to sell the house and move somewhere bigger or better.

It makes it look more like jealousy.

aermingers · 25/04/2014 00:54

Well the end result would be that your sister would not be able to go out. You would be trying to get at her husband but would end up punishing her instead.

I'm not sure why putting in hard work in order for the family to reap the rewards is such a bad thing, and I'm sure lots of families would be thrilled to have a son/brother in law who worked so hard on such projects.

If she had a shiftless spendthrift husband then she'd be in trouble.

And to be honest when family members take this sort of judgemental attitude towards partners and try to interfere it never ends well. If you're not careful you will alienate yourself from your sister.

aermingers · 25/04/2014 00:56

^^trambampoline, I thought that a possibility too.

Ludoole · 25/04/2014 02:21

I used to pick up a friends child from nursery at 12.30 as a favour (and unpaid) and have her til 4/5 o clock. I was furious when she inadvertently let slip that her fella was at home....

rookiemater · 25/04/2014 07:47

YANBU, I get where you are coming from. Babysitting for free is an act of generosity, plus you want to get to know your niece.

I'm sure you hoped that by looking after your neice they would have time to go out as a couple. Instead they are using it for their own financial gain and it also reinforces gender stereotypes about a man being unable to look after his own DC. Yes it's true he isn't gaming or wasting money, but I'd be a bit meh as well about looking after a child when their parent is in the house.

I don't think you can say anything specific to your Dsis as it will come out wrong, but I'd start saying No to some of the requests and hopefully she will figure it out. I guess it also depends how often you are being asked to do it and for how long - once every couple of months for this circumstance would be fine, but if its every couple of weeks then that seems like too much.

Canthisonebeused · 25/04/2014 08:29

Probably best you decline. I wouldn't want to leave my baby with someone who begrudge it in such a way.

shellistar · 25/04/2014 19:25

The way I see it is that your BIL can take the off few hours off while his wife goes out to socialise. If they were both going out then that's a genuine reason to babysit. I get that he has a time frame for completing the DIY but a few hours off every couple of weeks won't delay the house resale massively. It sounds a little like he's taking advantage of you because he isn't prepared to look after his child and using the DIY as an excuse

rollonthesummer · 25/04/2014 19:30

I think he's taking the piss! Is this evenings or weekends?

AnyFucker · 25/04/2014 19:34

I wouldn't babysit on a regular basis under those circumstances either (payment would not come into it)

yanbu

he is a father, he should step up

dodgykeeper · 25/04/2014 19:57

Where do you babysit her? I would offer to watch her at their home while he works. That way he can still interact with his dd between tasks and you will feel less taken advantage of as you see the work progress. I bet he will be more productive with someone watching him too!

DavenotChas · 25/04/2014 20:07

Here's an idea. Why doesn't your sister look after their baby while the husband is renovating the house or vice versa? What is this 'me time' shit all about? Surely as a couple they decided to a) have a baby and b) renovate a house?
Plenty of people have to juggle both, why are you getting involved? If they are going out as a couple and ask you to babysit, say yes or no depending if you want to/are able to. If not, childcare arrangements are down to them as a couple. Step out and let them sort it out between them.

Only1scoop · 25/04/2014 20:09

I'd only do it under those circumstances as a one off.

I think I'd feel a little taken for granted.

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