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AIBU?

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Original poster

This can't be normal??

28 replies

Callindy · 23/04/2014 14:27

Writing this as I don't know where to turn to get advice on this matter and it's just started to become something I find myself thinking about a lot. Sincere apologies too as i am not a 'mum' (so sorry for gatecrashing but you are a wise bunch)...

I'm 28 and have been with my partner for 6 years. We are due to get married next summer and I couldn't be happier with him. No doubts whatsoever, he's a great boyfriend as well as being a good mate after all these years.

We live together in London and have done happily for the past 4 years and have a very good social life with good friends, many of which are mutual and we spend a lot of time together as a result (which I am not complaining about).

Problem - and I don't know how it has happened because I am v happy in my relationship - I joined a yoga/pilates studio last year and got on almost instantly well with one of the instructors. He is 30 and gay (obviously so and quite camp). I go to a lot of his classes and he would often pay me a lot of attention and 'adjust' a lot of my poses more often than others (those who do yoga/pilates will know this isn't uncommon). I can't explain it - I've never experienced such chemistry with someone. He is so funny, charming and lovely (descriptions i would also apply to my lovely fiance, I feel so disloyal saying this) and we met for a drink after class one evening, had an absolute blast and have done it since a few times. It dawned on me that i might fancy him on Sunday night when we went out for drinks. Things became quite flirtatious and i'm as sure as i can be that the feeling is mutual. It's odd - it's not that i am about to embark on some kind of affair with him but I feel madly attracted to him at the same time. So confusing. What to do??? Feels wrong, but he is the most infectious character ever....

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/04/2014 14:28

You say he's gay, has he actually said that himself?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/04/2014 14:29

Does your Fiance know that you've been meeting him for drinks?

Youdontneedacriminallawyer · 23/04/2014 14:29

He's gay. There is no future. You'd probably feel the same if you met a new girl friend who you really clicked with. Go home and enjoy DPs company, and get on with your wedding planning.

Original poster
Callindy · 23/04/2014 14:32

Yes he is. We have discussed this. He hasn't been in a relationship with a man for 5 years but is completely gorgeous, just something about him that has left me feeling oddly unsettled as I am NOT the time to develop little crushes on people and I don't want to feel like this. He is very respectful of my relationship and takes an interest in my wedding plans etc but did say that I am the only girl he could find remotely fanciable, but disguised in a jokey way so to speak. Sounds awfully big headed but I know this isn't just me barking up the wrong tree.

OP posts:
ViviPru · 23/04/2014 14:32

Yeah, do you know for a fact he's gay?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/04/2014 14:33

Does your Fiance know you've been meeting him?

ViviPru · 23/04/2014 14:33

Oops x-post. Having a word with myself.

Original poster
Callindy · 23/04/2014 14:33

Yes my fiance does know. He joined us for a drink once before he went off to meet his own friends.

OP posts:
CrapBag · 23/04/2014 14:34

Are you sure he is gay? it doesn't sound like it if he is flirting with you. Or he may be just very friendly.

Some men are very 'camp' without being gay.

If he is then put it to one side and think of it as a silly crush that will pass and maybe not spend one on one time with him.

If he isn't and he fancies you, then you need to distance yourself for the sake of your relationship, unless you would actually leave your fiancé for him.

HazleNutt · 23/04/2014 14:35

2 of my very good friends are gay (incidentally, also fitness instructors). They are amazingly charming and every time we meet up for a drink, I have an absolute blast. They are also physically very, very attractive and flirty like hell. And they have hordes of women desperately in love with them. So it's actually not so uncommon. But they are still gay.

CrapBag · 23/04/2014 14:36

Maybe he could swing both ways but had never considered it before because he preferred men? It does sound like he may have feelings for you too. I think you should distance yourself, surely your feelings will grow and it will start to affect your relationship.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/04/2014 14:36

Your OP says 'this can't be normal', what isn't normal?.

You've developed a crush on your Yoga bloke. If he is bisexial [if] and he made a move to kiss you would you dodge it or embrace it and kiss him back?

wonderingsoul · 23/04/2014 14:36

could it be.. becasue you know he's gey hes a lot "safer" to be flirty and cheeky with? becasue you know nothing will come of it, youv let your self be compleltely normal with him.

Norest · 23/04/2014 14:36

Hmmm. Seems a bit odd if he is flirting like mad and saying you are the only girl he could imagine fancying. Are you sure he is not just really enjoying your attention and seeing you get all squirm-y about him?

Sounds calculated on his part tbh.

ThatBloodyWoman · 23/04/2014 14:37

Tricky.
You can't help what you feel.

But this maybe has to calm down a bit for the sake of your partner and his partner.And for your sake.

He is in a relationship and so are you.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/04/2014 14:38

He is not gay, he is at least bi-sexual. Gay men do not say 'you are the only girl I could find fanciable', they just do not.

You need to nip this in the bud now and concentrate on your relationship. Postpone the wedding if you don't feel able to make the lifelong commitment to your partner.

ViviPru · 23/04/2014 14:41

Sounds like there IS chemistry there and it's only been allowed to get this far because until now it's felt 'safe' due to his sexuality and your relationship status.

Just because he is gay, doesn't mean he would never think of you in a sexual way. The majority of my gay (not bi) friends have mentioned in one way or another that they've been seriously sexually attracted to someone of the opposite sex before.

It's not going to be as easy for you as just 'forgetting about him'. He's in your headspace now.

I think your ideal outcome would be to break this 'spell' but continue to feel like you can attend his classes and be in his company. I think the way to do this would be to bring your DP into the fantasy bubble. By this I mean maybe mention something to your DP along the lines of "such and such a friend at yoga said she thinks GayYogaTeacher fancies me haha! As if!!" and you and he will end up chit chatting about the ramifications of that and even have a laugh about it. Before you know it it will just feel as silly as it sounds.

That's what I'd do anyway.

Original poster
Callindy · 23/04/2014 15:06

Thanks so much for all the replies, all very logical, i really appreciate it. Vivipru I think you're right, there is a kind of safety net. He isn't in a relationship and has only ever dated men. Nothing has happened so far that I wouldn't want my dp to know so perhaps things will cool now i'm aware of it.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/04/2014 15:11

If he moved in to kiss you would you be happy and kiss him back or would you resist him and push him away?

Original poster
Callindy · 23/04/2014 15:16

SanDiego (I need to stay classy myself, right!). Christ I don't know...sober no, definitely not. When out and drunk (and I am having the BEST time ever) God knows. And i say this as someone who has never been remotely unfaithful. Not once. I am not a particularly flirty person either. Thing is, if i'm honest, if i could sleep with him with no repercussions I probably would (being honest and anonymous here) but I absolutely have no fantasy about being in a relationship with him. Just something about him that I can't explain. Cannot for the life of me understand how he is single.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 23/04/2014 15:22

It's tricky if you think you might not resist him if squiffy.

You could just swap classes and not see him at all, taking away the chance of a boozy snog happening.

Original poster
Callindy · 23/04/2014 16:47

I don't want to stop seeing him completely but I will endeavour to back off somewhat. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Objection · 23/04/2014 17:36

I had felt similarly towards a man I used to work with, except he wasn't gay.
I never acted upon it but thought about it often. It burned on for about 6 months and then slowly faded.
Personally, I think it is quite normal. Don't stress about it too much and don't over think it.

Electriclaundryland · 23/04/2014 18:45

I developed a mad crush before I got married. I didn't act on it. I think it was a subconscious thing panicking about impending commitment. Had been in my relationship 9 years, am still married with 2 beautiful children 8 years on.

phantomnamechanger · 23/04/2014 18:55

Ask yourself how you would feel if your fiancé was having the same sorts of feelings about someone you had considered to be no threat because she was a lesbian, so must just be a platonic friend? and what if she was saying the same sort of flirty things to DP as this instructor is saying to you?

He sounds like he is bi, maybe he has only just realised, maybe he's actually interested in both of you, who knows - but by continuing to flirt you are treading on dangerous ground and in real danger of doing something that could wreck your future with your DP.

If this man means MORE to you than your DP, then call the wedding off now, if not, then cool this friendship down, it will only lead to a big mess later on.