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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so upset with MIL...

67 replies

claphammama · 21/04/2014 22:04

I've just had an awful Easter weekend with my MIL and I'm feeling really down. We have a 5 year old boy and a 6 months old baby who hasn't slept through the night even once since he was born. The longest stint we've ever had was 3 hours and, because I breastfeed, all of it is on me, although my DP is great and tries to takes the baby from me in the morning on the weekends so I can have some more time in bed. My family is abroad so we have no help from them and his family, mainly his mum as he is an only child, is 200 miles away. I used to get on really well with her before DS2 was born. Things started going really badly since her visit when I was 8 months pregnant - she came to visit for a week and needed entertainment, looking after and all the royal treatment. Things went worse when she came to visit when DS2 was 10 days old and again stayed for a week. She wouldn't come downstairs until 9 or even 10am, accepted constant offers of coffees, teas, didn't cook us even one meal, refused to change the baby, when asked to do DS1's school run once DP was back at work (school is 7 minutes walk from the house) she said very offended "I will if you tell me too..." So we had no help from her at all, just a guest in the house... it was the same story for Christmas - another week of us cooking, looking after her, taking her out etc... She now came to stay with us for Easter and I mentally prepared myself for getting no help, thinking it was only 4 days so it would be fine, although, after 6 months of no sleep, the exhaustion is really hitting me, all my filters are gone, and I'm hitting some kind of a block... Everything was going really well until Saturday night when we were running around getting the dinner ready, doing everything, her sitting on the sofa and she said "It's so nice to be waited on. A glass of wine in my hand. So nice to be waited on..." I saw red... I didn't say anything but was in a foul mood the entire dinner. She then asked "do you think he may sleep through the night today?" and I snapped saying "he hasn't slept through for 6 months so why would he sleep through today". Yes, my tone was a bit but I didn't say anything else. Not a word. She then got very upset with me and told DP that I was very rude. He took my side on everything so no problem there. We had an awful day and a half of not talking to each other. Am I being petty? Was I that rude and was her comment and her attitude fine? DP is caught in the middle and very upset and it hurts me a lot to see him like this. He's been loyal and supportive the entire time. I just find it so infuriating, strange and upsetting that she wouldn't even help us with anything - won't cook, won't change the baby, she even refused to push the buggy last time. I'm on my own all the time, with two children, including a baby that doesn't sleep and DP who works very long hours and sometimes travels with work. I don't want to be unnecessarily mean but I feel very upset and very angry. Am I just tired and losing all perspective...? I can cope with kids and no help but not with a princess at home to look after too...

OP posts:
Serenitysutton · 21/04/2014 22:47

You poor thing- how stressful. Yanbu at all of course

zippey · 21/04/2014 22:49

Maybe if she wants to visit next time, ask her to stay in a hotel? She will probably feel offended by this, but it might end up she stays fewer days. If she asks I would be truthful - that you already have 2 children to look after, and looking after her would be more work which you'd rather not have. She might offer to help out more then?

The problem may be that you might not be open about the frustrations you are feeling, and pandering to her wont help. She does sound like hard work, and it may be that your DH needs to take the lead in trying to change MIL's attitude and behaviour.

maillotjaune · 21/04/2014 22:53

Yes don't have her stay for so long. My stress levels plummeted when DH finally told his mother that she couldn't stay overnight any more.

We had visits of up to several months at a time (not agreed in advance, sometimes due to I'll relatives that she was visiting - but still, months of a house guest who wants VIP treatment). This contributed to an almost total breakdown in relationships and although it might be painful at first, taking some action now might prevent that. You got on before, you might be able to save that.

And don't beat yourself up about being rude - you're knackered, people get snappy. You have ample reason.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/04/2014 23:02

When you go on trial for murder,you get judged by a jury of your peers.

Just thought I would point that out

Flux700 · 21/04/2014 23:12

Agree next time say you find waiting on guests far too exhausting, so would she mind staying in a B&B or only visiting for a long weekend while DH is about to help.

Musicaltheatremum · 21/04/2014 23:12

When my daughter was eight months old my MIL came to stay and I hadn't finished making her bed. She was so offended by this. She could have mucked in but she didn't. It is so hard. I do keep in contact with her as she is my children's granny but she and her other son are awful.. The sad thing is my husband died aged 50 and at 91 she is still here. It is so hard and she doesn't understand any of my problems.

mumminio · 21/04/2014 23:58

She sounds awful. Reminds me of twitter.com/Shitmydadsays except worse. Much worse. If she thinks knows she can walk all over you, then she will continue to do so. Sleep deprivation is awful, please look after yourself and your family. Stop offering her things, and is she makes you "tell" her to do the school run, then tell her to do so.

TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos · 22/04/2014 00:39

Clapham: seemed like a good idea at the time ....

We've just sat down this evening conducting a post mortem over the rather odd w/e we've just had with the PiL. No conclusions, yet, as, frankly, we're still a bit bemused, but I'll return if I have any revelations. Our house is much too small for people to stay over in ......

Littledidsheknow · 22/04/2014 01:42

Bless you, Clapham, YANBU. I will never complain about my MIL again!
Get DH to tell her that you're not able to accommodate her (or wait on her!) for the time being as you have your hands full. She is totally insensitive to your situation or the difficulties you have right now. I think I'd have been ruder in your situation!

OfficerVanHalen · 22/04/2014 01:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eightandthreequarters · 22/04/2014 02:03

YABU to have her to stay when you know she behaves like this, and you are sleep-deprived and can't wait on her. Stop doing that to yourselves. If DH wants to visit his Mum, he goes to visit her on his own for a night, or meet her for a meal halfway. You stay well clear until the LO is sleeping better (and it will happen!). When you can smile blissfully through her thoughtlessness and laziness, then have her back to stay.

tinyshinyanddon · 22/04/2014 02:11

YANBU and I would block her visiting. Some people just don't get it despite the fact they have been there themselves with small children in the distant past (although your MIL only had one, right?). The "I like to be offered" or whatever comment about the wine would give me the rage.

My parents are a little bit like this - I cope with 3 on my own day in day out with DH working long, unpredictable hours in a stressful job. They are coming to visit in a few weeks and will stay with us for a few days and then we have rented a house a couple hours out of town for a week. They assumed DH would get time off work but he won't. My mother said she was worried because it would be a lot of work for me taking the 3 kids away on my own! Clearly they are not expecting to be helping much....

Anyway, your MIL sounds crazy and extremely annoying. So glad to hear our DH is backing you up - that is critical.

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 22/04/2014 02:13

It sounds so hard, don't worry about whether you were rude, anyone would snap under those circumstances and really what you said was quite mild.

I do wonder why you feel hurt by her behaviour though? Or do you just mean angry/at the end of your tether? My PIL expect entertaining and having them to stay is exhausting but it would never occur to me to be hurt. Frustrated and exasperated, absolutely but I just accept they have totally different values and expectations and it's no reflection on me.

OfficerVanHalen · 22/04/2014 02:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 22/04/2014 08:00

^This.

When DD was born, my DM (as dreadful a parent as any whose hooves bestrode the groaning earth) politely asked if she could come and help, did all the housework and cookery, fitted into our routine and leashed her tongue.

Which was nice.

CarmineRose1978 · 22/04/2014 08:22

Ah! So she's not your first son's grandmother. That might explain (NOT in any way excuse!) her attitutude... "He's not my son's child so why should I have to get out of bed to take him to school?!"

She sounds like a right charmer. Your partner on the other hand sounds like a star. I agree with everyone who's said stick her in a B&B next time, and juist meet her for a couple of outings/meals. See how she likes that... might change her attitude a bit.

My DF (who is frankly not "darling" at all) stayed with us this Easter. I'm in my first trimester with my first baby, chucking up and exhausted all the time, and he expected to be waited on hand and foot too.

CarmineRose1978 · 22/04/2014 08:22

YANBU, by the way. In case I didn't make that clear enough in my previous post!

oldgrandmama · 22/04/2014 09:13

I am absolutely SEETHING on your behalf, OP. I reckon you weren't rude enough! She sounds an absolute horror and if I were you, I'd never have her stay again, not even one bloody night. She should go into a B & B or hotel, visit during the day, then OUT. And let herself make her own coffee, tea, glass of wine, snack ... and if she mutters about 'nice to be asked', ignore it - let her go hungry/thirsty if she can't be arsed to get it herself..

So glad your DP is on side. Sleep deprivation is the pits, but it will get better.

felinesad · 22/04/2014 09:34

I really feel for you OP. Sounds like your MIL is the twin of my ex MIL.

She appeared three days after the birthday of our second son (eldest was 4). She basically took up residence on our settee and didn't move from there for two weeks. The most helpful she ever got was to say 'I'll hold the baby whilst you do some housework' Shock

OP I think you were actually very restrained as I would have said something when she said how much she enjoyed being waited on.

Don't invite her back fro a while and when she does come make it a short visit.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 22/04/2014 09:37

YANBU

Hopefully she won't come to stay again she's that offended, in which case it worked a treat Smile

OnlyLovers · 22/04/2014 09:47

Just adding to the chorus really, but YANBU! Your comment was a tiny bit snappy but after all of her accumulated behaviour and comments, it is as nothing.

If she visits again (that's an IF, not a when), tell her that she will need to take responsibility for entertaining herself a bit and at least pouring herself her own wine Hmm. If she wants waiting on she can stay in a hotel; you and DP are too busy with work and the children to look after her in the way she likes.

She's being a manipulative and passive aggressive nightmare.

Original poster
claphammama · 22/04/2014 10:00

Thanks again everyone. Your support helps me remain sane. I mainly feel really down and upset because I can see how DP suffers and gets stressed being stuck in the middle. He commented how awful it was that the two people he loves most can't get on. He doesn't blame me at all and sees why it is happening which is the most important thing but still... shame this is the way it is. As you said, I'm hoping she is so offended that she won't come again! I'm certainly not going there in the foreseeable future

And yes, she is a very jealous and manipulative person. I used to get on with her because I let a lot of things go in the past and just ignored them. She often showed this kind of behaviour in the past but in the past we just looked after her when she came and it wasn't a problem. Now we needed her support and needed her to be a mum - and we feel she failed us.

My mum has her own quirks and can be very difficult and argumentative but when she came when DS1 was born she came to help and was great. (she has major health problems now so can't travel). My ex MIL was absolutely amazing and is still amazing now, was even helping me towards the end of this pregnancy and had DS1 a lot when DS2 was born - to give us a break. People can be so different.

OP posts:
Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 22/04/2014 10:07

IMO you had different expectations.

She came to be a guest. A day or two holiday. In all the 'traditional' way.

You thought you would get help.

This two very upset people.

Next time, say in advance "love you to stay. I need help doing x y z please whilst you are here this few days." Or "lucky you, nothing expected this time!"

Btw I don't get her position. It's weird not to help. But I see two pov so trying to help....

FatherDickByrne · 22/04/2014 10:09

I don't think a hotel's going to cut it with her. She needs a butler. Seriously, she sounds like Lady wotsername from Downton.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 22/04/2014 10:29

"Do you think he may sleep through the night today"?

"Oh, dear, has the baby been keeping you awake"? (Passive Aggressive but if she says Yes, he has then she definately shouldn't stay again )

I think what would pi** me off most is the "it's so nice to be waited on, glass of wine in hand"

Is she a widow clap , was she very spoiled by her DH and possibly her son?

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