To be so upset with MIL...

[claphammama]

I've just had an awful Easter weekend with my MIL and I'm feeling really down. We have a 5 year old boy and a 6 months old baby who hasn't slept through the night even once since he was born. The longest stint we've ever had was 3 hours and, because I breastfeed, all of it is on me, although my DP is great and tries to takes the baby from me in the morning on the weekends so I can have some more time in bed. My family is abroad so we have no help from them and his family, mainly his mum as he is an only child, is 200 miles away. I used to get on really well with her before DS2 was born. Things started going really badly since her visit when I was 8 months pregnant - she came to visit for a week and needed entertainment, looking after and all the royal treatment. Things went worse when she came to visit when DS2 was 10 days old and again stayed for a week. She wouldn't come downstairs until 9 or even 10am, accepted constant offers of coffees, teas, didn't cook us even one meal, refused to change the baby, when asked to do DS1's school run once DP was back at work (school is 7 minutes walk from the house) she said very offended "I will if you tell me too..." So we had no help from her at all, just a guest in the house... it was the same story for Christmas - another week of us cooking, looking after her, taking her out etc... She now came to stay with us for Easter and I mentally prepared myself for getting no help, thinking it was only 4 days so it would be fine, although, after 6 months of no sleep, the exhaustion is really hitting me, all my filters are gone, and I'm hitting some kind of a block... Everything was going really well until Saturday night when we were running around getting the dinner ready, doing everything, her sitting on the sofa and she said "It's so nice to be waited on. A glass of wine in my hand. So nice to be waited on..." I saw red... I didn't say anything but was in a foul mood the entire dinner. She then asked "do you think he may sleep through the night today?" and I snapped saying "he hasn't slept through for 6 months so why would he sleep through today". Yes, my tone was a bit but I didn't say anything else. Not a word. She then got very upset with me and told DP that I was very rude. He took my side on everything so no problem there. We had an awful day and a half of not talking to each other. Am I being petty? Was I that rude and was her comment and her attitude fine? DP is caught in the middle and very upset and it hurts me a lot to see him like this. He's been loyal and supportive the entire time. I just find it so infuriating, strange and upsetting that she wouldn't even help us with anything - won't cook, won't change the baby, she even refused to push the buggy last time. I'm on my own all the time, with two children, including a baby that doesn't sleep and DP who works very long hours and sometimes travels with work. I don't want to be unnecessarily mean but I feel very upset and very angry. Am I just tired and losing all perspective...? I can cope with kids and no help but not with a princess at home to look after too...

[Rainbunny]

Next time she plans to visit I think your DP should talk to her (sounds like she'll reject anything you say to her) and explain that you (meaning you and DP) can't host her visits in the foreseeable future because you have too much on your hands and any guests will have to pitch in with the cooking, helping with Dcs etc... Then he can suggest an alternative that might suit her better, like a local B&B or hotel. He doesn't have to actually say that she is lazy and unhelpful the message should be clear.

[Onlysteelheals]

Wow. You honestly have the patience of a saint. That comment about liking being waited on would have made me snap, grab a broomstick and harangue her out the house. How breathtakingly rude.

Plus that ring story is just

[littlegreengloworm]

That's good op. it will be hard to go no contact, but low contact is your est bet here. Your dh is loyal and kind and you're a great mum and you know you're not self centred and selfish like she is, so you've a lot to be thankful for :)

[claphammama]

thank you thank you thank you xx I will be strong and just remove her from our life for now. I've had a lovely day with both my boys today as DP is back at work and DS1 is not back at school until tomorrow. It's always hectic when I have both of them on my own but I love it today, appreciating how good life can be without negative nasty people around.

oldgrandmama I would love you to be my honorary MIL!

[Hissy]

Enough of this 'HOPE she doesn't come and stay again' IF she has the audacity to suggest/demand it, you will VETO it and say that you can't and won't entertain guests at the moment if they expect and demand to be waited on. It's not reasonable to expect that of you.

You may have been a tad rude, but by god, she was lucky she wasn't wearing the wine.
I agree, she's goading you on purpose.

Your DP needs to read her the riot act and TELL her that she's been out of order actually and that she won't be invited back again.

[CalamityKate1]

YABU in that you weren't nearly rude enough. What an old bag!

[TorchesTorches]

Yanbu! I am living with my MIL currently, due to a housing situation. I have a 2.5 year old DD and a 16 month old DS. When we first moved in 6 months ago i wad still breast feeding and he woke several times in the night. Plus my daughter stopped napping in the day, so i would have at last 1 small child from 5 am to 8pm with no break and a years worth of broken sleep. When we moved in i stupidly thought well i don't want to live with them, but at least i might get a break and some help. Not a bit of it. Not even 5 mins. I was an exhausted mess. I organised for my daughter tohave s couple of afternoons at preschool each week, and as my DS would nap, this meant i got a break for 2 hours which was bloody amazing and incidently was also the only time MIL woold offer to help, ie when i had an absent child and a sleeping child! I will never forget this lack of help. In the last month my kids have just got that bit easier, so i feel the worst is over, but i l know i can only rely on myself, which is fine by me.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" she said "It's so nice to be waited on. A glass of wine in my hand. So nice to be waited on..." "
With the extra details you've added since, OP (two partners spoiling her, the ring) I think her behaviour goes way beyond passive-aggressive and lands squarely in the 'goading' ring . She wanted to needle you.

I do wonder - does she really think her son will choose her over you and his DC?

I would never allow her to stay under my roof again. If she wanted to visit, I'd be pointing her at hotels (and no, I would not be paying anything towards her bill).

" I don't want to be unnecessarily mean but I feel very upset and very angry. Am I just tired and losing all perspective...? I can cope with kids and no help but not with a princess at home to look after too..."
You are not being mean. You have every right to feel upset and angry at this poisonous woman's behaviour. Yes you are tired, but most of the posters on this thread aren't sleep-deprived and we share your perspective on this. Rest assured - YANBU.

[Chippednailvarnish]

You need to get your DP to buy you the biggest eternity ring in the world (faux might have to do) just to wind her up...

[oldgrandmama]

Agree - the ring story. Says it all ... awful woman. I'd say have as little contact with her as possible.

OP, may I be your honorary MIL? Promise to treat you like a queen, knuckle down and cook, clean, change nappies, play with baby, while you catch up on sleep. Because that's what I've done with my own darling DIL and my own DD. It's what proper MILs do. It really upsets me that some MILs let the side down horribly and give us a bad name.

[claphammama]

bookofRuth your MIL sounds horrendous... she is clearly trying to undermine you and upset you. What an awful woman!

70isnotalimit you hit the nail on the head... DP's dad doted on her and spoilt her rotten, then, after his death, she had another partner who spolit her a lot. He died two years ago. And DP has always been a great son spoiling her. She's always been incredibly jealous of me but we've always felt just sorry for her. Her first comment on my engagement ring was "it's so much bigger than mine. Mine looks so tiny now". And then turned to DP saying " you will have to buy me a bigger one too now". Then she bought herself a big ring three weeks later. It's always been a bit sad and pathetic until now but things have changed now. It's not all about her now! I dont think she can stand it

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

You haven't had one night of unbroken sleep in six months? She's lucky you were only a bit curt with her. I'd have slapped her stupid face and sent her packing.

Two things: you truly have the self-restraint of a saint. Never have her stay with you overnight ever again.

[Topseyt]

She is treating your house like a hotel, and that is not reasonable of her. Her grandchild is just a few months old, you are sleep deprived and she should be coming to help you out, not to be waited on hand and foot.

I too think I would have snapped much sooner than you did. Yes, it might well sound rude, but it is borne of exhaustion on your part and inconsiderate twattery on hers.

Don't have her to stay again. At least, not until your children are much older and your youngest more settled. Don't go to hers either. Meet on neutral territory if you must meet, say in a pub, restaurant or hotel for a meal. Then nobody impinges on anyone else's hospitality or takes the piss like she is. That way she and your DP would see each other occasionally, and it might be a bit less fraught.

You have your DP on side, and that is a big plus. He is supporting you. I hope he is spelling things out to his mother good and proper.

[TheBookofRuth]

That's so true, Chipped, I got on fine with my MIL till DD arrived, then the relationship soured. She made a point of getting me alone to tell me that she'd always assumed DH's ex GF (who he'd broken up with months before we met) would be her DIL and they'd all assumed I was "just a rebound thing"! DH and I had been together for 8 years by then and married for four, so that's a bloody long rebound! She then had the ex GF and her H and their DC to stay with them (they came over from another continent for this!) so she could "get to know" the DC, and then spent weeks telling us how much better behaved they were than DD - who was less than a year old by then and not really capable of either good or bad behaviour!

Anyway, OP, your MIL sounds like a cow, and I wouldn't have her to stay again (I've drawn a similar line in the sand with mine). But it's refreshing to read a thread where the problem actually IS the MIL and not the DH/P's response to her!

[Chippednailvarnish]

It's interesting how many troublesome Mils get worse with the birth of the first grandchild. It's like they feel threatened by the knowledge the Dil is here to stay...

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

"Do you think he may sleep through the night today"?

"Oh, dear, has the baby been keeping you awake"? (Passive Aggressive but if she says Yes, he has then she definately shouldn't stay again )

I think what would pi** me off most is the "it's so nice to be waited on, glass of wine in hand"

Is she a widow clap , was she very spoiled by her DH and possibly her son?

[FatherDickByrne]

I don't think a hotel's going to cut it with her. She needs a butler. Seriously, she sounds like Lady wotsername from Downton.

[Sunnydaysablazeinhope]

IMO you had different expectations.

She came to be a guest. A day or two holiday. In all the 'traditional' way.

You thought you would get help.

This two very upset people.

Next time, say in advance "love you to stay. I need help doing x y z please whilst you are here this few days." Or "lucky you, nothing expected this time!"

Btw I don't get her position. It's weird not to help. But I see two pov so trying to help....

[claphammama]

Thanks again everyone. Your support helps me remain sane. I mainly feel really down and upset because I can see how DP suffers and gets stressed being stuck in the middle. He commented how awful it was that the two people he loves most can't get on. He doesn't blame me at all and sees why it is happening which is the most important thing but still... shame this is the way it is. As you said, I'm hoping she is so offended that she won't come again! I'm certainly not going there in the foreseeable future

And yes, she is a very jealous and manipulative person. I used to get on with her because I let a lot of things go in the past and just ignored them. She often showed this kind of behaviour in the past but in the past we just looked after her when she came and it wasn't a problem. Now we needed her support and needed her to be a mum - and we feel she failed us.

My mum has her own quirks and can be very difficult and argumentative but when she came when DS1 was born she came to help and was great. (she has major health problems now so can't travel). My ex MIL was absolutely amazing and is still amazing now, was even helping me towards the end of this pregnancy and had DS1 a lot when DS2 was born - to give us a break. People can be so different.

[OnlyLovers]

Just adding to the chorus really, but YANBU! Your comment was a tiny bit snappy but after all of her accumulated behaviour and comments, it is as nothing.

If she visits again (that's an IF, not a when), tell her that she will need to take responsibility for entertaining herself a bit and at least pouring herself her own wine . If she wants waiting on she can stay in a hotel; you and DP are too busy with work and the children to look after her in the way she likes.

She's being a manipulative and passive aggressive nightmare.

[iamusuallybeingunreasonable]

YANBU

Hopefully she won't come to stay again she's that offended, in which case it worked a treat

[felinesad]

I really feel for you OP. Sounds like your MIL is the twin of my ex MIL.

She appeared three days after the birthday of our second son (eldest was 4). She basically took up residence on our settee and didn't move from there for two weeks. The most helpful she ever got was to say 'I'll hold the baby whilst you do some housework'

OP I think you were actually very restrained as I would have said something when she said how much she enjoyed being waited on.

Don't invite her back fro a while and when she does come make it a short visit.

[oldgrandmama]

I am absolutely SEETHING on your behalf, OP. I reckon you weren't rude enough! She sounds an absolute horror and if I were you, I'd never have her stay again, not even one bloody night. She should go into a B & B or hotel, visit during the day, then OUT. And let herself make her own coffee, tea, glass of wine, snack ... and if she mutters about 'nice to be asked', ignore it - let her go hungry/thirsty if she can't be arsed to get it herself..

So glad your DP is on side. Sleep deprivation is the pits, but it will get better.