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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DDs not upset at leaving me!

34 replies

zeezeek · 20/04/2014 22:32

I'm working in New York until the end of May - been here since the beginning of last month. DH and the DDs have just spent a week here with me and we've had a great time, but they are all flying back tomorrow. We thought that the girls would be upset that they are returning to the UK and I'm staying here for another month - but it seems that they aren't bothered at all! They are more excited by the fact that they will be seeing their friends again and have bought presents for them all. I know that it's better this way and I wouldn't really want to deal with hysterical small children and there is no way that they can stay here as I have to work and have no childcare. Besides DD1 needs to go back to school. DH says that it is because we brought our children up to be independent and they are starting to be that way (at 6 and nearly 4) - but I guess there is a little part of me that would like them to be a bit upset and miss me just a little bit?

OP posts:

Hulababy · 20/04/2014 22:35

I think once they are home and realise you are still away for a while to go then of course they will miss you.

At the moment you are there, right with them. They are too little to really think beyond that.

Just enjoy the rest of your time together now and then start counting down the days til you are with them again.

MrsRuffdiamond · 20/04/2014 22:36

I'm sure they do miss you, but they know that you'll be back soon.

They just sound like very secure, happy children, to me. You and your dh have obviously done a great job!

WorraLiberty · 20/04/2014 22:38

I'm not sure if a 6 and 4yr old not missing their parent is a sign of independence, but if they're used to you working away then they wont really know any different, especially as they have another parent at home.

It's nice for them that they weren't upset though and I'm sure they'll be missing you soon. That's the great thing about Skype and other technology isn't it?

It must have been much more difficult before the internet/mobile phones for kids to be separated from parents for long spells of time...like during the wars for example.

Original poster

zeezeek · 20/04/2014 22:43

Thanks. Yes, they are used to us being away often, but this is the first time I've been gone for so long - but have been Skype-ing them everyday and my DH is amazing.

Think I just wanted re-assurance that I'm not a bad mother.

OP posts:

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 20/04/2014 22:51

As a mom who travelled a lot, they will miss you once they get home. Right now focus is on excitement of giving their friends their presents.
Long trips are hard!

mimishimmi · 20/04/2014 23:54

If they are used to it, and know you will be skyping every day too, I don't think it's reasonable to expect them to get upset.

Lweji · 21/04/2014 00:09

Agreeing with everyone.
They are too young to really have a grasp of the time they will spend without you and they will miss you when they are home without you.
I'm sure they will be thrilled to see you when you get back home.

Having said that, I still remember the time I returned from a one week trip and for the first thing that DS saying to be being "where is the laptop?"
He's still a mummy's boy, though, bless him. :)

Canthisonebeused · 21/04/2014 00:19

If it's any consolation this shows your children have a very healthy attachment. They will miss you when you are not there but to not be traumatised by leaving you is actually very good all round. You have obviously done a good job by them.

RhondaJean · 21/04/2014 00:21

Oh wow no you are a great mum, they know you will come back, they are not in the least worried you are gone for good!

wouldbemedic · 21/04/2014 00:27

I'm a SAHP and have a part-time mother's help. On weeks when the help has been more childcare than cleaning, I've noticed that my toddler 'adjusts'. She's no longer upset when I leave, the way she is when it's just for half an hour here and there. And she's more settled and happy when I am gone, I believe. It gives me a very sad feeling, I have to say. So I know where you're coming from. But I remind myself that I can't have it both ways. If I want my DD to care whether I'm around or not all the time, I have to put the time in. Otherwise, she'll find different ways of coping (how awful if she didn't). There's more than one kind of mother, of course.

MaRyzerection · 21/04/2014 00:32

They will miss you. But they are secure in your love, they understand why you are where you are and they know you will be coming home.

If they were less secure they would be more upset.

I was always amazed by how easily my children went on sleepovers/weekends with Granny/cubcamp etc. But I realised after a while that the children who are happy to go away are often the ones who are most secure than home is there to come back to.

SE13Mummy · 21/04/2014 00:42

It sounds as though they're not upset at the actual leaving because of the exciting distractions that they have to look forward to; a flight, giving friends the presents they've chosen, returning to school etc. They have had a fun week with you, are in safe hands with your DH and trust that you will return when you say you will. None of that makes you a bad mother. All of it points to you and your DH having done a fantastic job of bringing your girls up to feel safe and secure in your love for them.

As a child, I never missed my parents when I was away from them because I was far too busy involving myself in whatever it was that I was away from them to do whether that was tagging along behind much bigger cousins for a week aged nearly 4, or being on the other side of the world for a month aged 14. I know my parents missed me though. Equally, I know that although they would have liked to be missed by me, that came well below wanting me to be happy whilst I was away! More than once, I offered to pretend I'd missed them .

Fast-forward to now and I miss my girls when I'm away or when they are. Do they miss me? Rarely. Does it mean we love each other any less? Not a bit.

sassysally · 21/04/2014 00:51

I don't think it's a sign of a secure attachment, the opposite in fact.I think they have detached emotionally to protect themselves.
Most mothers would not consider leaving their children for 3 months and I think it indicates you have avery different relationship with your DC to most of us.I am not saying this to be hurtful, you did ask.I think you really should give careful thought to whether your career is worth this.As the old adage goes, there has never been a person on their death bed who has said they wished they had spent more time at work.

Shakshuka · 21/04/2014 04:49

Oh please. That's just sexist. No one would blink twice if it were the Dad.

In fact, congrats to you op for having kids with a man who supports you and clearly meets your kids emotional needs.

Funnily enough, I also had to work in NYC for a cpuple of months before my family moved over. My kids were a bit older than yours but not much. Of course we missed each other but there were never tears or tantrums after visits. Two years later abd they're still perfectly fine.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/04/2014 06:16

Sassy, that's really not true, what you are saying about attachment.
Children with secure attachment will be secure that the parent is coming back. They will not necessarily display distress at separation especially if they are with another secure attachment figure (their father)
If they had ambivalent attachment they would be more likely to show disproportionate distress at separation. If they had avoidant attachment they wouldn't appear to care, but this would permeate through all aspects of their behaviour, not just separation. This is the least common attachment style and stems from severe neglect or abuse.

My DS spends up to a month away from me twice a year. He is always happy to go and I'm happy with that. I wouldn't want him to be distressed or missing me. He doesn't miss me because he's busy and happy with his dad, but he displays all the usual signs of being a well attached child, he likes to talk to me on the phone, tells me what he is doing, counts the days until he will see me, shows pleasure and happiness when we meet again.
I know what a poorly attached child looks like and my DS isn't one.

sassysally · 21/04/2014 09:53

There is a lot of difference

the child 'leaving' the parent (eg for a fun break with dad) and the mother being the one doing the leaving
one month and 3 months!!

I think the OPs children will be fine because they are presumably securely attached to their father.It is just their relationship with their DM will not be the same relationship that most mothers have with their DC.There are no 2 ways about that

waterlego6064 · 21/04/2014 09:59

sassy, I don't know how you can possibly make judgements about the relationship or attachment between a mother and children you've never met. Your view is very blinkered.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 21/04/2014 10:06

Sassy, that's just wrong.

Goblinchild · 21/04/2014 10:23

Your DH is right, you have two happy, secure children who know they are loved. Skyping them every day is a great idea, that way you keep up on the everyday bits. They've had an exciting time and have a lot to share with their friends.
FWIW, I worked in a school that had a lot of parents that worked abroad for periods of time, mums as well as dads. The well-organised and undramatic ones had very secure relationships with their children, and picked up easily when they got back.

Original poster

zeezeek · 21/04/2014 16:32

Well, have just got back from the Airport. When they got there DH told them that he'd arranged for them to be upgraded to First class (yes, I know!!) so when I left they were hyperexcited and feeling like Royalty (in particular their hero the Duchess of Cambridge - which might just prove that I'm not spending enough time with them in order to nip their Royalist tendencies in the bud!!!). There were a few tears, but they promised to Skype me the minute they get home and we've made lots of plans for the May half term when we're going to have lots of girl only treats. Thanks to everyone - or rather almost everyone - for your kind comments.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 21/04/2014 17:17

Sassy that is just nasty. Would you be so judgy about a man going away on business. It sound to me like the OP and her DH go to great pains to make sure the maternal bonds are still very strong. The same as I do with my DC when I have to go away. They cope. They know I always come back.

My DSs teacher was the same as you when I first went away to uni and it coincided with DS having a dip in his behaviour. I put it down to him having known his teacher from when he was a baby, we went to the same toddler groups, as she has a DS the same age. She put it down to 'Mummy going away'. I asked her if she would have made that link if it had been Daddy going away. She had the grace to blush. We co-parent, so it doesn't really matter which of us is here to care for our children, as long as they are cared for.

OP, when mine where little and happiliy skipped in to playgroup when others where clinging and crying, I used to say they should at least pretend to be upset at leaving me.

chutneypig · 21/04/2014 17:30

Another vote for happy secure children here too. I expect they're excited by the flight and all as well.

Detached emotionally, indeed. I travel a fair amount too and am very glad my children are as happy to turn to their father when unwell, upset for whatever reason etc as to me. Which sounds like the case with OP as well.

AppleAndBlackberry · 21/04/2014 17:36

They are probably also looking forward to getting home and back to familiar territory. No reason why mothers shouldn't travel with work, plenty of fathers do it and continue to have good relationships with their children.

MexicanSpringtime · 21/04/2014 17:39

Happy secure children, definitely, you should be very proud

SpiderNugent · 21/04/2014 17:41

perhaps they dont think you are mum, just some random woman who pops in now and again :)

to be fair, you cant be away for months on end and still hope to have a close bond with tiny kids

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