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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this was no holiday for me

30 replies

yorkie84 · 20/04/2014 15:53

So I have been away on holiday with (d) h. Hopefully last holiday we have. Our toddler is hard work. Yet it was me who spent the day and evenings if I went out running round after her. A few evenings I had about an hour with older dd whilst he watched her in caravan but I did all basic childcare for her. He maybe once on twice sorted middle child who has soiling issues that was about it.
He did do some tidying but that's about it. I did most of the very basic cooking. One day I did breakfast for everyone. When I presented (d) h with his toast he replied I'm going to get marmite. No thank you. The other day at least I got a thank you but he never made breakfast for me when he did his.
One time walking to clubhouse I commented to dd that I was always running round after dd2. She replied well you're her mum. I just replied she has a dad too.
Since home he has managed to cook 1 meal (put frozen pizza in oven) but I had to take it out of oven before it burnt. After changing dd2 nappy which he smelled but didn't manage to change.
Today I went out with dd1 for 2 hours to find him playing computer games upstairs with dd2 downstairs. He did manage to dress her though.
He is upstairs again now whilst I am cooking dinner and looking after dd.
Tomorrow he will be at football most of day.
Feeling fed up aibu
I am mainly sahm with very smzll business.3 dc. Two primary aged and a toddler

OP posts:
CorusKate · 20/04/2014 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3littlefrogs · 20/04/2014 16:13

He is very selfish.

He needs at least a weekend with DC on his own.

glenthebattleostrich · 20/04/2014 16:14

YANBU at all but you seriously need to put your foot down with regards how little he does.

DH, DD and I are off to a caravan in summer and DH was quite shocked when I pointed out that as it is my holiday too I would not be cooking, we will eat our main meals out and have basic breakfast which we will both prepare.

mummymeister · 20/04/2014 16:15

the problem isn't the holiday. its that he probably doesn't do anything like his fair share of child care at home. tell him now that next Saturday or sunday you are going out for the day and he will be at home with the kids. he is only "watching football all day" because you are doing everything else. sorry but if you let him continue like this then you are colluding with his idleness in relation to the kids.

RuthlessBaggage · 20/04/2014 16:17

DH once and once only complained, when I asked him to wash up in our self-catering villa thing: "I don't come on holiday to wash up."

Angry Sad Angry Sad Angry

I growled "Neither do I" and grassed him up to his mother.

I think your DH needs a "neither do I" moment tbh. It's not fair.

arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2014 16:22

Does your dh have a tiring ooh job?

If so, I do believe they are more 'entitled' to a rest on holiday than a sahm, sorry.

Mind, I do say this as a sahm myself, who has 2 'easy'children to look after. Possibly would change my mind totally if they were hard work.

jasminemai · 20/04/2014 16:24

I wouldnt go on a holiday where me or dh had to cook or clean tbh.

Original poster
yorkie84 · 20/04/2014 16:25

Problem is his mother thinks he is a poor love doing everything and I am a waste of space. (Another thread). Because of course he thinks I sit on my arse Ll day whilst he is out at work.
Football involves travel. Hence why it's most of day. Well 6 hours.

OP posts:
SpiderNugent · 20/04/2014 16:27

you sound a bit martyrish

why did you take the pizza out, just leave it, it was his tea

your daughter sounds like the most sensible one amongst you

arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2014 16:29

Do you ever get a break?
Me and dh take it in turns, ish, for 'me' time.

80sMum · 20/04/2014 16:32

YANBU, your DH is. Book yourself into a retreat, or a spa weekend or a residential art course or anything that takes your interest. Give your DH a week's notice, then just go and have some time to yourself.
Join an interest group that takes you out of the house at least one evening a week; choir, am-dram, language course etc.
Your DH needs to understand that you are entitled to a life outside the home as much as he is - and he needs to be more aware of his role and responsibilities as a father.

Original poster
yorkie84 · 20/04/2014 16:34

He does 12 hours a day with commute in a desk job and does nothing every evening. Dd doesn't settle till 9 most nights and still wakes once or twice. Which of course I deal with.
In the early day I was cracking under pressure of her being up sometimes for 4 hours in the night and dealing with all the school runs and end of term stuff and he still wouldn't help.
But of course she wasn't planned so that means he can just do fun stuff as I clearly planned it as I didn't get rid of baby things quick enough. (I was saving for sil)

OP posts:
Original poster
yorkie84 · 20/04/2014 16:37

Well in the early days I got a cuddly lie in with nb on saturdays whilst he did swimming run.
The older dc no longer swim so both days he seems to get a lie in. Or at least get up in own time and have shower etc. Today I woke with dd at 6.30 and was downstairs by 7. Doing holiday washing etc. He saunters down at 8.15 and sat playing on ipad until I went out at 9.30.
So fed up and needing to rant. Know I need to say all this to him.

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 20/04/2014 16:38

12 hour days in employment is a long day, much harder than being home so can understand why he needs the downtime. Could you not make it ore equal and share the workload so he doesnt have to do 12 hour days to keep you all?

I thought you were leaving him anyway (recognise the user name) so the holiday was not going to be easy unless he has no idea of your plans.

If you didnt want to cook or clean, then surerly you book a hotel not self catering?

Original poster
yorkie84 · 20/04/2014 16:39

I do get to go out for about 2 hours once per way but invariably dd will be either awake when I come in or asleep but needing nappy change etc.

OP posts:
Joules68 · 20/04/2014 16:43

Op this is life as a sahm with young dc

If you don't like it then speak to him, tell him what's got to change. If it doesn't, then being a lone parent isn't a bad option!!

Or continue being a martyr

Original poster
yorkie84 · 20/04/2014 16:44

He still doesn't know. I am taking advice when older 2 back at school.
I appreciate he works longs hours in the week but running a 4 bedroom home, laundry for 5 and childcare for 3 is hard work too. Much longer than 60 hours per week. He doesn't even put his rubbish in the bin. When I pulled him up on it he said he didn't know which bin glass went in.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2014 16:45

I think.you should go out, say on a Saturday, for a longer amount of time, say from 4pm back at midnight so he has to do tea and bed time.

Original poster
yorkie84 · 20/04/2014 16:45

I do run my own business too which I am trying to expand. But as I have so little support it is hard.

OP posts:
clam · 20/04/2014 16:46

"12 hour days in employment is a long day, much harder than being home"

Not necessarily. Depends on the job, and depends on the set up at home, e.g, ages of dcs.

I know of several WOHM who maintain they go to work for the rest! One of those is a hospital consultant (but to be fair, she had 4 kids under 5 at the time, incl baby twins and a dh who was working away).

And also, I think that there are a fair few men who reckon being at home with kids is a doddle because when they do it, they plonk the kids in front of the TV and sit on their ipads, ignoring any household chores that need doing.

Original poster
yorkie84 · 20/04/2014 16:51

If you add up the hours in early days I had often done 4 hours before he woke. I couldn't risk waking him because he has to drive to work. Plus all the night time wakings for older two. Several nights I had to deal singlehandedly with a sick child and a baby crying for milk. Tbh I didn't want to disturb him because of the commute issue.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 20/04/2014 16:51

Could you put your youngest in childcare when the other two are at school, to give you a chance to expand your business plus get a break?

Original poster
yorkie84 · 20/04/2014 16:54

Could look into that I guess. It just all the negativity that is putting me off. I suggest something whilst on holiday and all I got from him was cons.

OP posts:
Creamycoolerwithcream · 20/04/2014 16:56

When your DH is watching football tomorrow order yourself and DC a takeaway, book yourself something nice next weekend and leave him with the DC.
I do think self catering holidays can be very hard work for the parents.

HappyMummyOfOne · 20/04/2014 16:58

Housework and laundry most adults do and your two eldest are at school most of the day.

If you leave him, presumably the house would be smaller and therefore you may not need as long on the housework. If the business is going to support you, you need to ramp it up very quickly or elsewise do it around a job as well. If he is out of the house for 12 hours a day supporting you, when do you think he can fit in finding time to support you in your business? If you need childcare to work, then book it.