To want to carry Mum into the church?

[WelshMaenad]

My mum passed away on Friday.

Something that I really want to do is to help carry her coffin into the church for her funeral service. My DH is happy to have charge of our two smallish children and to walk with them behind the coffin. My sister is also happy for me to do it although she does not want to do it herself.

My dad however has said that he thinks it's 'inappropriate' and doesn't want me to. Not in a cross way, just stating that he wasn't happy. I think it's because I'm female, my dad isn't a raging misogynist and he's honestly lovely but he's of a generation where women didn't even attend cremation/ burials. If my DH or BIL suggested it I think he'd let them, he would view it as a mark of respect. Please don't judge him for that, it's just how he is.

I don't want to put pressure on him or upset him any way at this time but this is something I feel very strongly that I want to do and I only get one chance to do it, don't i?

Am I unreasonable in wanting to do this, would you think it odd for a daughter to assist in pallbearing at her mums funeral?

I'm thinking if asking the funeral directors if they could provide female bearers. ( they do offer this ) and maybe ask my aunt (very close to my mum) if she wanted to do it with me in the hope that it would reduce the 'weirdness factor' for dad and help him feel comfortable with the idea. Or should I just drop it and let my dad call the shots and respect his wishes?

I'd certainly talk to your aunt, I think if two of the female relatives were doing this your dad would feel a lot less weird.

Sorry to hear about your mum. If I were you, I would drop it if dad isn't happy with the idea. For our generation it seems ok but for him it won't be traditional and I imagine he will want to do what is seen as the done thing and also what your mum would have wanted. x

So sorry for your loss.

When my mum died it was very important to me to have her carried and not wheeled into church. I didn't want to do it through.

What I did want was that she came home before the funeral, not just sit on the pavement (in the hurse obviously, not just on the pavement). I mattered very much to me and I examined this to my siblings. They agreed, it wasn't an issue when they knew how much it meant to me.

At my aunt's funeral, she was wheeled into church but all her god children accompanied her, male and female. It wasn't odd at all, just very respectful.

Try explaining to your dad how much this means to you - be may come round. Please bear in mind though that carrying a coffin is very difficult.

I understand your wish to do this and I'm sure your dad will see it from your point of view. Be gentle but firm when explaining why you want to do this.

Be kind to yourself at this really hard time.

I am so not stalking you, honestly - I just saw your post and recognised the name.

I think it's a lovely idea. I know how close to your mum you were, and I think it's totally appropriate. Asking your Aunt would be a good thing too. However, if your Aunt said no, then I don't think I'd push it.

Your dad is lovely, and he must be hurting now beyond belief. I don't think he'd say no out of spite or anything, more the fact that as you say, he's of the time where women didn't even attend funerals.

I wanted to carry my mothers coffin too, but my three elder brothers vetoed it, and carried it with my nephew instead, her eldest grandson. Instead I wrote and read her eulogy. Could that be an option if carrying her coffin isn't?

Sorry to hear of you mum! Hope you're ok.

I think you should ask your dad if he would feel more comfortable with it if there were female pall bearers before just doing it. If you don't want to upset him then try to avoid making it look like you have hijacked it all by going behind his back.

I do understand why you feel you need to do it, but perhaps weigh up whether the fall out is worth it if he is adamant he doesn't want it to happen

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Is there any compromise here? Could you walk alongside the coffin, or would this be the same issue?

Can you talk about it with all of the close family? Take a wider view? It's very hard, I agree.
My mum and I caused a bit of a fuss in the small rural village my grandfather was buried in, because we took cords on the coffin when he was buried. Apparently something else which a lot of people thought wasn't the done thing. I think the most important thing is that you find something which means you (close family) are all content.
So sorry for your loss.

Hello, i am very sorry for your loss, i hope you manage to get through this very difficult time, If you really want to do this you will need to speak to the funeral director as soon as possible, as you will all need to practice together, it is much harder than you would imagine, they will need to match up the heights as you all need to be around the same height & they may or may not have the correct staff without getting somebody else involved. I hope you all get to mark your respect in the way that you wish.

It is possible. My sister did this for our grandad, but she is very tall and strong so was about the same height as the men so didn't struggle with it. It's a really difficult one though, unless your dad is happy with it, I think I would leave it.

It may be worth another discussion first though to see if you can change his mind. Sorry for your loss

Dee

Thank you all. We are a tall family , I'm nearly 6' and my aunt not much smaller. Mum lost an awful amount if weight during her short illness and by the end I was virtually lifting her in and out of bed. I think the practical 'ability' side would be ok.

We will be meeting with the funeral director together so I may just gently raise it again and ask her if it's common these days. That might help.

I don't know that I could hold it together I medicated to read something, I have to be honest. I would love to stand up and speak but I think I may have to have my eulogy read by the canon as I won't be able to. But carrying her, I know I could do that.

I think you have to respect your father's wishes, it is him who gets to choose how the funeral should be carried out. I particularly disagree with the poster who suggested you should be 'gentle but firm', I can't imagine anything worse for a grieving person than to be subjected to pressure over their own spouse's funeral.

Btw I don't think it would be odd at all. It's going against your father's wishes that I think would be bad.

My cousin did this for her dad. She's a strong lady (emotionally) and keeps her family together.

It was lovely and no one questioned that it was right for her to do.

I can understand why you want to do this. Your dad is very traditional. Talk to him again.

Sorry for your loss

I carried my mum, dad, sister and brother into church. I also lowered them into their plots. It's a very emotional thing to do but they were my family and I felt strongly that it was the last thing I could do for them. BTW - I'm very small and frail looking but the funeral directors actually bear the brunt of the weight of the coffin so it's actually not that heavy for the relatives.

I think you should maybe try talking with your dad if you still want to do it but definitely respect his wishes. Your mum would understand.

Please just acknowledge your fathers wishes, she is your mother but they have spent their whole lives together.

I sympathise, but think it would be utterly wrong to insist, or try to be 'gentle but firm' with your Dad over this - that is an awful suggestion.

This is his spouse, his life partner. Look at your own DH and imagine his you would feel if anyone-even your own children- tried to be 'firm' with you about how his funeral should be carried out.

I would just say to your dad how much it would mean to you and if he would think about allowing it.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

I do sort of think this is your father's call, although I think he should understand how important this is to you. I think speaking to your aunt might work, and perhaps the undertakers might also be drafted in to confirm to your father that this is not unusual, these days.

That sounds like I'm suggesting you badger him about it. I'm not. I'm sure you wouldn't anyway.

I am sure your mother would be horrified if you went against your fathers wishes in his darkest hour.

Deemented however I think it's terrible that your brothers thought they had the right to 'veto' your wishes in any way! That's horrible. How nastily sexist and dismissive of them.

I work for a funeral director, I attend many, many funerals. If it's of any help, do reassure your dad that it really isn't that unusual the days, and I'm sure your fd will say the same.

Just a thought, and not in any way to undermine your dad at all, but would it be worth your ringing beforehand asking the funeral director to ask your dad if 'any family, yourself, or your daughters, would like to act as bearers?', explaining the situation to them?

Just so that there's still absolutely no pressure on your dad but so that he knows that it's a usual, and respectful, option?

Otherwise, how about something like, after your mum's coffin is in place, asking if you can step forward and place a flower or even a little note, or just placing your hand on her coffin as a symbolic act, like bearing, before the ceremony starts?

Pm me if you like.

There is a time and a place for fighting the good fight against sexism, while a man is mourning his life partner is not one of them.

You need to find a compromise that you are all happy with.
At my DM's funeral, her male relatives carried her into the church then her daughters arranged a white cloth over the coffin.
It made us feel like we were doing a final caring act for her.

Having buried my own mother I couldn't have gone against my father's wishes. Sorry. It may be your Mum but it is his wife.

Even though my Mum promised me her engagement ring I still asked my Dad if it was ok, he was the one who gave it to her 45 years before she died.

My sisters and I arranged my Mum's funeral with my Father's blessing because he was such a mess emotionally and we knew our Mum so well, we all agreed on everything.

I couldn't have gone against his wishes.

If it was your husband you were burying and you stated you didn't want someone to do something and they did it how would you feel?

On a slightly different note, don't under estimate how difficult it can be to carry a coffin. My husband carried his Nan's, his mum's and his dad's coffin into the church and , being a catholic ceremony, to the burial as well. He was with 5 other youngish men and if the conversation goes that way, him and his brother say that they were shocked by how heavy it was, how much he struggled with it etc. I have lost my mum too and remember how terrible the whole thing was. If I was you I would just concentrate on getting through the day and supporting your dad but I'm not you and carrying my mum's coffin was not even something that occurred it me as a possibility (I'm 5ft 1!). My mum always said that it's what you do in a persons lifetime that counts.

Actually, I'm pretty sure my mum would tell him to stop being so silly. She was a very strong, determined lady. Dee knew her in life and will in sure confirm that this was the case!

He has suggested that I walk behind the coffin carrying a posy of freesias - mums favourites - and place these on the coffin when it's in situ at the front of the church. I am ok to go with this if he says again that he's genuinely unhappy with me carrying her, though it will make me sad not to carry her on her final journey. I won't push him, I just wanted to know if people really thought it was a strange thing to want to do.

He has been very open in other respects to my sister and I putting our 'stamp' on her funeral, using music we and mum enjoyed, etc, so we will still be able to say a very personal goodbye.